Chapter Text
When the White Collar team reached Smallville, they dropped off their bags at a local bed and breakfast where Bruce had booked their rooms, then went to the diner where Bruce had asked them to meet.
Peter, Elizabeth, Diana, Jones, and baby Theo all came along. When they entered the diner, Bruce was waiting at a table in his sheriff’s uniform. Bruce smiled as they walked over, nerves hidden away, “hey, I'm glad y’all could make it.”
Bruce had wanted to ditch the southern accent, but the kids wouldn’t let him completely. The most they allowed was for him to tone it down a notch so that it wasn’t so blatantly ridiculous. Kansas was in the Midwest, not the South, so it didn’t even make sense, not that his kids seemed to care.
“Well, we wanted some answers after the way you left.” Peter frowned before easing up slightly and reluctantly admitting, “plus, you’re our friend, even if we don’t know your real name or apparently a lot of who you really are.”
“We’ve missed you in New York,” El added, without the grumpy undertone of her husband’s own words. “And speaking of your name, what should we call you now?”
“You can call me B.” Bruce liked that his alias allowed him to share his actual nickname for friends and family. Even if he didn’t like the full name that the kids had given him.
“B? We don’t even get a name, just a letter?”
Bruce wrinkled his nose and sighed, “it’s short for Honeybee. Unusual names are a tradition in our family, but my friends and family call me B.”
“Honeybee?” Diana snorted, “I can see why you chose Neal.”
“Afternoon, folks,” the waitress greeted, walking over. “I’ll let you have a few more minutes with the menu, but can I grab any drinks for the table?”
They ordered water for everyone, and the waitress left with a smile.
“Thanks for meeting me here. I would’ve had you come straight to the house, but the kids can be... a lot. I wanted to ease you into things a bit.”
“Yeah,” Jones snorted. “I got that within the first minute of meeting them. I still can’t believe you have six kids.” He shook his head in amazement.
Bruce winced, “Fourteen, actually. They didn’t all come to New York.”
“Damn. I have a hard enough time just with Theo,” Diana nodded towards her son.
Bruce smiled, “sometimes I curse myself for ever deciding to have kids, but I love being a father more than I care to admit, even if my children are complete menaces.”
“I, for one, can’t wait to meet them,” El smiled at him. “Fourteen kids, and one has a wife. Peter said they mentioned their mother, too. Is there anyone else in your family we’re meeting?”
“Unfortunately,” Bruce sighed. “there’s my father, and he’s wonderful, but the rest can be a nightmare. The whole family wanted to meet you, so we also have my six sisters, my brother, my oldest sister’s wife and their six kids, another sister also has two kids, then one of my other sisters has a husband and kid, plus my second cousin, three daughters-in-law, two sons-in-law, and eight grandkids. Oh, and our next-door neighbors insisted on coming to dinner. Their youngest is marrying into the family soon.”
The others at the table had been staring at him with increasingly widened eyes as he talked about more and more family members.
“Did you say eight grandchildren?” Peter balked, “We figured we might not know your actual age, but we couldn’t have been more than a few years off, so you’d still have to be in your mid-to-late thirties. How can you be a grandfather?”
“I’m forty. Which, yes, I know is very young to be a grandfather. My youngest child is actually younger than most of my grandchildren.” Bruce sighed, “But my two eldest sons and I happened to become fathers young. There’s only fifteen years between me and my eldest, and he became a father when he was twenty. My second son got married when he was nineteen to a man a few years older than him with a daughter from a previous relationship, and they adopted a few kids.”
“Damn, Caff-” Jones cut himself off and corrected, “B. I can’t believe you’ve been hiding such a massive family from us all this time.”
“These children and grandchildren,” El spoke up, looking Bruce in the eye. “Do we get to know anything more about them before we meet them? Ages? More girls or more boys? Any that aren’t girls or boys? I don’t want to use the wrong pronouns for anyone.” Diana nodded in agreement.
“I have nine sons, four daughters, and a child who is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. My eldest is 27 and my youngest is 2. I have six granddaughters and two grandsons, ranging from two to nine years old.”
“Here’s your waters,” the waitress returned. “Sorry it took so long, but it looked like you were talking about something important, and I didn’t want to interrupt.”
“That’s fine, Sherry,” Bruce assured, “I appreciate it. These are a few of my old friends who are visiting, and there’s just a lot of family gossip they had to get caught up on!”
Sherry smiled, “oh, with your family, I don’t doubt it! Those kids of yours are just the sweetest though. You did real good by them, Sheriff.”
“Oh, why, thank you, Sherry. You don’t see what little monsters they can be at home, but I do try my best.”
“All kids can be that way,” Sherry laughed, “why don’t I take your orders and let you get back to catching up?”
They all placed their orders and Sherry grinned, “coming right up! Oh, but before I forget, here’s that apple pie recipe you asked for, Sheriff.”
“Thanks, Sherry,” Bruce smiled, taking the slip of paper that she handed him, “much appreciated.”
After she walked away again, Peter leaned forward. “How did a sheriff from a small town in Kansas end up undercover in the FBI in New York?”
“You’d be surprised by the kind of crime that comes through our little town,” Bruce shrugged. “I was involved in the investigation here, and a small-town sheriff hardly anyone knows makes a good choice for undercover work. I'm sorry I can’t tell you more.” That last part, at least, was entirely true.
Once the food came, they diverted the conversation to the things Bruce had missed in New York. After they ate, Bruce led them all outside to the pickup truck he now owned. Diana and Theo joined him in the cab, but the others were forced to sit in the truck bed.
Time to meet his chaos gremlins.
When they pulled into the driveway of the Hickory homestead, practically everyone was scattered across the yard, doing one thing or another.
“Here we go,” Bruce sighed. “I apologize for everyone in advance.”
As they exited the car, Dick was the first one to bound over to the group. “Howdy, folks! We’re so glad y’all came! I’m Lizard, if you remember me from the Big Apple.”
“Yes, we do,” Peter glanced for a moment at Dick’s outfit. Like in New York, he wore another bright flannel, but this time his hat and boots were highlighter yellow, and he wore bubblegum pink leggings instead of jeans.
“Then, I'm sure you remember Basin, Lassie, Jeff, Hay Bale, Fluke, and Mamie too.”
“Hi, again!” Steph bounced over. The other kids followed her, and she held Bruce’s youngest in her arms. “These are our siblings you didn’t meet: Cellist, Sullen, Scary, Jell-O, Smiley, Porch, and Rug.” Steph pointed at everyone else as she named them, jostling Matt a bit at the end. Harper, Cullen, Carrie, Jarro, Helena, and Terry all waved as she pointed at them.
Everyone's gazes focused on Jarro, “that’s a starfish.”
“I am an alien species resembling the creatures you know as starfish,” Jarro corrected, speaking to everyone telepathically, causing the New Yorkers to flinch in surprise. “The Hickorys were kind enough to take me in when I ended up here and claim me as part of their family.”
Bruce hummed, “I suppose I should have warned you about Jell-O, but he’s a good kid.”
“Let me introduce you to the rest of my little family,” Dick cut back in, “You already met my wife, Jabs. These are my other wives, Cilantro and Windy, and my husband, East.” He gestured to Barbara, then Kori, Linda, and Wally. Kori and Linda weren’t truly involved with the other three in that way, but since they shared kids with Dick and Wally, they decided to be married as the Hickorys.
“These are our daughters, Parsley and Sunshine,” Dick ruffled Mari and Irey’s hair before smiling at his son, “and our son, Moonlight.
“The other grandkids are mine,” Jason cut in. “The girls are Pie, Nail, Disk, and Bread. This is our son, Mud. My husband, Boy, is over there. Come here, Boy!” The last part was called out as if Jason were calling for a dog to come over. Roy glared but came over anyway.
"Nice to meet y'all."
“And I’m B’s wife, Cat,” Selina approached along with Alfred beside her.
“I am B’s father, Fred.” Alfred informed them. Unlike the rest, Alfred retained his British accent rather than adopting a southern one.
“Fred?” Jones blinked.
Alfred frowned, “is that a problem?”
“No, no... it’s just, so normal compared to most of your family.”
Alfred tilted his chin up imperiously, “it is short for Winifred, a most distinguished name.”
“Well, it’s so nice to meet you all.” El smiled, deciding just to roll with it. “We're excited to get to know B’s family better.”
“We’re excited to meet you too,” Duke told them. “Would you all like a tour?”
Their guests agreed, so Bruce found himself following them on a tour of the farm. Duke, Dick, Jason, Damian, and Steph were leading the tour. Fortunately, the others had all decided to hang back or go inside, so it wasn’t all of them coming along.
Damian introduced them to each of his animals by name, and Steph pointed out her favorite boards in the walls of the barn. Why she had favorite boards, she didn’t explain.
“What does this do?” Diana asked Jason, pointing at a piece of farming equipment.
Jason shrugged, “fuck if I know.”
“Didn’t you grow up here?” Jones quirked an eyebrow.
“Doesn’t mean I know how to do farming and shit,” Jason turned his nose up, much like Alfred had earlier, “I’m an intellectual. One day, the world will know Basin Hickory as the greatest writer who ever wrote.”
“More like the greatest moron to ever exist,” Damian sniffed.
Jason shot Damian an affronted look and Dick cut in with a grin, “focus on the positives, Basin! He called you the greatest!”
The New Yorkers were clearly having a hard time absorbing everything, especially Peter, who stared at everything as if he couldn’t quite believe it was real.
At the end of their tour, the kids led them over to a bunch of picnic blankets spread out near a few picnic tables in the side yard, allowing everyone to sit down on the blankets or benches.
Alfred, Lois Lane, and Harley Quinn were working on the BBQ meats, and Jason quickly went to join them. Martha Kent and a few of the kids came out of the house carrying lemonade, side dishes, and a cooler full of beer.
The New Yorkers all sat down at the tables, soon joined by the rest of the adults as the kids and grandkids sprawled on the blankets.
El sat across from Pamela Isley and gave her a friendly smile. “Hi, I don’t think we’ve been introduced yet. Are you one of B’s sisters?”
“Sister-in-law,” Pam corrected. “My name is Camilla. My wife, Pretzel, is B’s oldest sister.” She pointed over at the grill, where Harley was checking on a rack of ribs, then gestured towards where the Vasquez kids were sitting. “Those are our daughters, Gary and Darning. Plus, our sons, Tornado, Gilly, Ready, and Genius.”
“And we’re B’s other sisters,” Kate announced as she sat down. “I’m Late, and this is Banana, Pupil, Ze, and Gamble.” She nodded towards Diana Prince, then Iris West-Allen, Zatanna, and Bette Kane.
“I’m Pal,” Hal Jordan added, sitting down with Barry Allen. “B’s brother. This is Pupil’s husband, Parry.”
“Our son, Poptart, is over there,” Barry pointed to Bart.
“And I think the only ones you haven’t been introduced to yet are my daughters,” Banana-Diana continued, pointing out Donna and Cassie. “Sauna and Sandcastle.”
“They haven’t been introduced to me or the Kents yet, either.” Luke corrected, cutting in. “I’m Juke Box. My dad, Luscious, is B’s cousin.”
“You sure do have a big family,” Jones shook his head, mystified.
Bruce sighed, “Don’t worry if you can’t remember them all. I know it’s a lot.”
“I’m sorry if this comes off as insensitive, but a lot of your kids look nothing alike.” Peter pointed out. El elbowed him in the side.
Bruce shrugged, “Cat and I have an open marriage. They might not all be biologically mine, but they’re all mine, you know?”
El smiled, “that’s sweet.”
“Ooh,” Jason voice called out from the blanket beside their table, staring over at another blanket, where Jon Kent had just pecked Damian on the lips. “Mamie and Jon, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”
“That’s it,” Damian growled, pulling a pitchfork seemingly from thin air and chasing Jason towards the barn.
Diana frowned, “shouldn’t you stop that?”
“No point,” Bruce sighed. “I gave up trying to stop Mamie from running with pointy objects years ago.”
El’s eyes widened as the Kents sat down at the table, “Aren’t you Lois Lane, the famous journalist?”
“Yep,” Lois smiled. “This is my husband, Clark, and Clark’s parents, Jonathan and Martha. The two boys over there are our sons, Conner and Jon.”
“You’re friends of the family?” Jones asked.
Martha smiled, “Our family owns the farm one lot to the east. We’re gonna merge the farms with each other when Jon and Mamie get hitched in a few years. They’re the ones who’ve decided to continue running the family farms one day.”
Clearly having heard their conversation, the murmuring between Alfred and Jonathan at the end of the table grew louder and more agitated.
“I’m not giving you my damn chickens!” Jonathan exclaimed.
Alfred placed a hand on his chest, “It’s not for me, it’s for the boys! What are you going to do with them?”
“Well, I damn well don’t know, but I already conceded on the cows! They’re not taking my damn chickens too!”
Clark’s face turned red at his father’s yelling, and he hid behind his hands. Bruce had to suppress a laugh.
“Don’t mind those old geesers, now.” Martha tisked. “They’ve been arguin' over the boys’ dowry since the engagement was announced.”
“Dowry?” Diana raised an eyebrow, “I didn’t think those were a thing anymore.”
Clark groaned, “they’re not. It’s ridiculous.”
Bruce noticed Lois stomp on her husband’s foot under the table as she smiled at the others, “Winifred and Jonathan insisted on it. They're old-fashioned. But now, all they do is fight over it and then challenge each other to a game of horseshoes.”
“You want a piece of me, you old goat?” Alfred stood, right on cue. “I challenge you to a tournament of horseshoes! Winner gets the chickens!”
“You’re on!” Jonathan stood too, both of them walking over to where two pegs were set up with horseshoes around them.
Lois waved a hand towards them, as if to say see?
“Oh, I just can’t wait for my little grandbaby to become a Hickory!” Martha clasped her hands over her chest, leaning forward and dropping her voice into a conspiratory whisper, “If they have a girl, they’re gonna name her after me, ya know. B’s ma’s name was Martha too. The baby’s gonna be Marshmallow Martha Hickory-Kent!”
This part, at least, was partially true. Because the boys both had a grandmother named Martha, they wanted to have a daughter named Martha.
“How’d you know about that, Grandma?” Jon spoke up. “It was supposed to be a surprise!”
Conner snorted, “You should know better than to try to keep secrets around here.”
“No secrets here,” Dick nodded sagely, “The potatoes have eyes, and the corn has ears.”
Lois snorted and Clark groaned again.
Damian, done chasing his brother, returned to Jon’s side. Jason followed him back but was bumped into by some of the other kids, playing tag. “Hey, watch where you’re running!”
Without missing a beat, Tim looked up. “What are you yelling at me for? I’m literally sitting down!”
Jason rolled his eyes, “For the last time, Hay Bale, I meant ‘hey’ with an e, not ‘Hay’ with an a. I wasn’t talking to you!”
From there, the night trailed on with stories and laughter, the White Collar crew growing more accustomed to this version of their friend, though it was still odd to see.
As the New Yorkers got ready to return to their B&B, Peter asked one more question. “Another thing I don’t get. How did a small-town sheriff become such an expert art thief?”
“Oh,” Bruce smirked. “I learned everything from my wife.”
“Your wife?” They looked over at where Selina was chatting with Lois.
“My wife,” Bruce confirmed with a nod, “You know, Catwoman?”
“WHAT?!?!”