Chapter Text
There was once something sweeter than silence.
The thought of destroying herself was a teeth-rotting candy sort of sweet.
Going through with the idea wasn’t easy, however.
There was nothing that could bring her quick, sweet relief. Bombs were her first choice—a fascination she always had with them, wanting to be incorporated in her finale—but it wasn’t like they were the most accessible thing in the world. She could make her own but there’s always a potential to hurt others—yet, she’s always been good at that, wasn’t she?
But her goal wasn’t to hurt others—not again, this wasn’t about them. If she were to embrace ruin, she would have to be the only one facing it.
When it came to her death, her imagination would run wild.
Even if dangerous, she can’t help but fantasize about it. She imagined how it would be to curl her finger around the metal ring that would detonate the bomb. The chemicals within the bomb would respond to one another to blossom a flower of destruction the minute she pulled that ring. She’d imagine how the flames would explode to envelop every inch of her, searing her skin right to the bone. The force of the explosion would thrust her body backward, every bone in her body cracking to create small puzzle pieces of what she used to be. Destruction, she thought, would be beautiful.
What would standing on the ledge of the highest building feel like?
She imagined herself jumping, feeling the wind resisting her as gravity pulled her down. The view from halfway down would be beautiful. Gravity was always a cruel force, her body exploding from the impact as her organs would turn to chunks, and what she used to be splattered on the concrete.
What would it be like to slit the innermost part of her wrist, dig into the skin and flesh to find her veins? What would it be like to pull them out, place them between her teeth and take a knife to her veins, fiddle with them like strings to a violin till they snapped? What beautiful symphony could she make?
When she ruins herself, she wants everybody around her to know it. When she ruins herself, she wants everything from her past to go down with her.
It's a selfish thought. Wanting everybody to know and feel what she felt through how she expressed herself in her last moments. Her death, however, would be freeing no matter what she chose, and recognizing that allowed her the liberty to choose something quiet. Something that was accessible to her. Something subtle in comparison to her usually loud, almost (or legitimately) explosive alternatives.
She reflects on why she chooses the loud over the quiet when all she ever lives with is the loud. The loudness around her always drowned her own voice out. Never once was she listened to when everything around her was louder. Yet, this one final act would be the loudest she could be. She could be the one to drown out others this time. It didn’t matter what she did because her death would always be the loudest among the sounds. And she itched to be the loudest.
So something like this was the most suitable of all the options, even if she preferred the alternatives, but keeping others safe was a priority. She opted for something that could still preserve her body, and be suitable for a funeral. She opted for something that wasn’t messy, not wanting her brains to adorn her walls. She opted for something that would be easy for Ekko to walk in on. Him being something she considered for a long time. Too long.
This cocktail of different pills inside her cupped hand was all from their bathroom cabinet. Milligram upon milligram piled on top of each other as each tube-shaped and circular item threatened to spill out of her grip.
Here Jinx was, headphones drowning out the silence of the night. Needing something other than her thoughts at this moment. She didn’t need hesitation. She had already downed half of the mix and here was the rest in her palm, there was no point in going back.
The finalizing dose that would deliver what she needed was here, in her palm. Finally, she’d achieve that long sleep she’d wanted for weeks.
No longer will she hurt the people around her. No longer will she jinx the people around her. No longer will she have to face the devastating reality of being herself.
So why must she hesitate?
Why must the images of the people she’d heard before flash in her mind? Vander and Silco. The outliers in the millions of people she came across and had jinxed herself out of a connection with.
She wished she could ask for forgiveness from those who were no longer here. She wishes she could apologize to Vander for being the way she was. She’d beg for forgiveness, tell him she’d always listen to him from now on. She shouldn’t have launched that firework. She shouldn’t have waited all of those minutes—full of panic—and instead should have alerted him right away. But she waited like a coward. If only she had said something sooner, maybe then, he’d still be alive. Vi wouldn’t have hated her for all those years due to that fire. Vi wouldn’t have needed saving, and Vander wouldn’t have rushed into that building if only Jinx had alerted him sooner.
He was suggesting adoption, and she jinxed it. Like she always does.
Then there was Silco, who came right after Vander, the person who looked after her even after she turned 18. Not the greatest dad in the world, but he understood her like no other. Cared for her like no other. But her job was to ruin the good.
She saw the signs of his addiction. A new drug—shimmer, is what they were calling it. But she did nothing to stop it, too afraid to lose him if she were to call someone. What if CPS came and took her away? She couldn’t have that. She needed this family. So, the decision she made? Let the addiction pull him down under its currents. She just wasn’t expecting the day he could no longer reach the surface.
His funeral was a month ago and she was the only one that mourned him like he deserved. Reminded her of what she was exactly: a stain, a burden, tainting everything she touched.
All she was. Jinx—name suits her well, no?
Vander, Silco.
Vander and Silco knew it all along.
That’s why they’re dead.
Everybody knew.
Everybody knows.
Vi and Ekko know it.
That’s what they’ll always see.
A jinx.
A big fucking stupid jinx.
They’ll be dead if she doesn’t do this.
She’ll be what ruins everything for them.
She’ll jinx them, she’ll jinx everybody, she’ll jinx everything like the jinx she was—
The cocktail of medicine filled her mouth with a bitter taste as she took some water and began chugging to get it all down. Gagging, she struggled to fully ingest it before it made its way down her throat. Her stomach felt so full already, full of nothing but water and those little pills. It left her queasy.
But everything was happening way too fast.
When did Ekko get into her room? She didn’t realize he was here, staring at her in such an appalled manner, jaw slack and eyes wide with clear distress when he started making his way over to her.
Out of the whole commotion, the only thing she remembers are his 5 words: “Jinx, what did you do?”
Ekko wasn’t stupid, he’d connect two and two when he saw the empty medicine bottles that encircled her alongside the water bottle in her hand.
Nor did he give her time to react once they made their way to the bathroom, headphones barely hanging onto her head as two long fingers found their way into her mouth to hit that small punching bag at the end of her throat, throwing up what she had just swallowed down. Everything was so fresh that some of the capsules were still whole.
She didn’t know when, but at one point, it started feeling like she wasn’t even here.
An out-of-body experience almost, where everything was so out of her control. She didn’t feel like she had a say in anything that was happening, even if she was an adult. She didn’t know how she got from place to place, as if teleportation were possible.
Nothing was hers.
Not the ride to the hospital.
Not her stay, where they plugged her into many painful machines.
Not the ride to the mental hospital.
Not the stay.
Nothing.
But she obliged with every decision because what else could she do? But it didn’t matter.
Nothing mattered.
So, the best she could do was go along. And from what she’s seeing, she’s not gonna enjoy this stay for one bit.
── . 𒅌 . ──
It was 8 in the morning, and there was that click again.
Throughout the night, Ekko would pass by her room and open her door like he didn’t need an invitation. Jinx has never heard something as annoying as that stupid click of her door opening and shutting every half an hour or so. Just like how the nurses would check up on them, shining a stupid red light in their faces. At least Ekko wasn’t doing that.
Ekko was always the type to worry. To go to extremes just to keep others safe. She knew that was his character, and that’s why she regrets choosing the option that was so easy to catch her in.
She didn’t understand why he’d go through these lengths for her. What good did she ever bring to him? No matter how long she would rack her brain, the Boy Saviour was both the most readable and unreadable person on the planet.
She wanted to understand him because it’s not possible for a person to be just that good at heart. There’s always a catch. There has to be. Even after years of being roommates, she still couldn’t believe it.
That final check-in was her last straw, now pulling herself out of bed with much struggle and charging out of her room with a slight drowsy hobble.
“Ekko, I don’t need you to coddle me—” her confrontational words quickly slipped away once she spotted the pink-haired figure in the living room, casually sitting on the couch.
Vi.
It had been two months since they’d seen each other. It wasn’t intentional; far from an effort to avoid seeing each other. No, it was purely based on the fact that they had busy lives. Their schedules and their careers led to preoccupied lives that prevented them from meeting each other often.
Not a thing about either of them had changed appearance-wise, but now, there’s a distinct feeling to her. That look she was giving her was different from what it had always been every time they saw each other. Pity. Jinx could see it in that stupid look that Vi was now giving her.
Vi didn’t hesitate for a minute to make her way over to Jinx. She expected nothing less from her sister as Vi pulled her into a tight hug. Jinx stood awkwardly, tensing as Vi squeezed her so tightly Jinx could feel her own bones prodding at herself.
“Pow Pow, I—I should have come over sooner but I’ve been so busy,” Vi would stammer out, Jinx’s hair grasped in Vi’s palm. “I’ll swear to you I’ll come visit more. I should have realized something was wrong sooner. I’m so sorry—”
“You know I don’t like that name,” Jinx would interrupt Vi’s onslaught of apologies, being the first to pull away from the one-sided hug. “Besides, what’s all the fuss? I’m fine.”
Vi’s brows would knit together, “Fine? How could you be fine—I mean, you tried to kill yourself!”
“Thanks to the Boy Saviour over there,” Jinx’s chin jerked to where Ekko stood, silently leaning against the back of their couch, “I spent some time away at this magical place that fixed me right up.”
Ekko shifted uncomfortably, alternating his weight on either foot, both hands buried deep into the pockets of his jeans, “Jinx, we’re not here to argue.”
“What is this anyway?” Jinx would speak sharply, refusing to allow the others to talk. “You guys tryna come together to fix me somehow?”
A humorless laugh fled Jinx as her eyes softened to give her a childish look, her lips curling out to create a small pout, “Poor little Pow Pow, didn’t want to live anymore. Fell down the well on purpose. Oh, but two people come to rescue her, and she’s saved! She’s all better now, thanks to you two.”
“Jinx, this isn’t some type of joke. You’re my sister, and I almost lost you. We both almost lost you,” a hand motioning between herself and Ekko. “We don’t want anything bad happening to you because we love you.”
“Well, I’m still here, aren’t I? You don’t have to worry about me or what I do.” What used to be a childish look now is just a cold glare. “Loving me doesn’t end well. It never does. They end up dead no matter what I do.”
Vi swallowed, still giving her that stupid pitying look, “That isn’t true.”
“I’m going on a walk,” Jinx’s words prompted her to pass Vi, heading towards the front door to their tiny apartment.
“You’re just gonna leave?”
“One thing they taught me in that shithole was to remove myself from the situation—which in this case is a conversation I don’t want to listen to anymore.”
And with a turn of a handle, Jinx was gone.
── . 𒅌 . ──
The summer sun was practically burning her skin off.
She knew she wasn’t going to enjoy her little outing the minute she walked outside and felt like the scorching sun was suffocating her, each breath she took bringing warmth into her lungs.
Nothing about being outside felt fresh.
Sweat made her clothes cling to her body, each movement especially agonizing when the heat made every bone in her body heavy.
She was certain she would get sunburnt, her particularly sensitive, pale skin an easy target against the sun's relentlessness. She fanned herself, hoping for a simple gust of wind, but it never came.
She wanted to go back inside, but her pettiness prevented her from doing so. Everybody just needed to leave her alone for a while but everybody refused. So how was she spending her only time alone? Outside, in the scorching sun, seated on the bus bench—located at the corner of their street—and simply watched.
It’s so still outside. Not even the slightest breeze, sound, or activity outside beside a young girl frolicking about in the empty parking lot of the gas station across the street.
She’d seen that girl before.
Again, they hadn’t exactly lived in the epitome of high class, just down the road a community center for the homeless—but that’s how she recognizes this little girl, oftentimes seeing the girl leave that small center.
Jinx hadn’t had any close encounters with the girl, but she’d seen her enough times to be able to identify her. And, no matter how many times she’d see the girl, she was always alone.
Jinx is considering something that she can’t believe she is considering. She doesn’t even know how to interact with children. But it’s not like this was out of pity; she wouldn’t want to be like Vi and Ekko—no, she was doing this for companionship. It wasn’t like the child reminded her of Powder—no, far from it. No child should be alone all the time, right? Where were her parents anyway?
Her body was moving on its own, making her way across the street, not bothering to look both ways as she approached the girl. This was stupid. This had to be stupid.
“Hey, kid.”
It seemed like Jinx’s voice had startled the girl, making her blunder into an upright position after being crouched over a patch of dandelions, a handful of the patch of weed in the girl's hand.
“Y’know if this gas station sells good ice cream?”
The girl was stiff; that much was obvious when her small hands would clutch onto the dandelions in hand, silent as ever. She gave Jinx a good once-over before shrugging her shoulders and giving her a hesitant nod.
Jinx just had to choose the shy one.
Jinx began scouring through her pajama pockets, finding a wrinkled ten-dollar bill that she had stolen from a nurse. “Wanna join me? We got a fortune that we can split in half,” she lifted the bill with a friendly grin, an effort not to scare the kid away.
The kid's eyes lit up, thinking it over for a split second before accepting with a bobbling head.
“You don’t talk much, do you, kid?” Jinx mumbled under her breath, taking the lead as she opened up the gas station doors.
“That’s alright. I can talk enough for the both of us.”