Chapter Text
Tommy finds that time passes regardless of his feelings about it. He starts to build back up. The grief starts to mould into a pressure under his rib cage. Not as suffocating as it used to be, but still there, throbbing in time with his heartbeat.
The months pass, he watches Ava grow. She starts to pull herself up on his old coffee table, wobble her way around it with a little crease of concentration in her brow. She starts to eat solid food. Watches as she goes from banging blocks together to building careful towers.
He takes up Howie's offers of walks, explores the city with fresh eyes, finds out where all the good play areas are. Jee sits with Ava in the sand, carefully explaining how to make mud cakes. Ava watches, clumsily scoops sand in the general direction of the bucket Jee is holding out to her, they laugh together.
The grief throbs.
On the walk home Jee tells him about how Uncle Buck taught her to make cookies. Tommy feels a pang in his chest. Evan had been more than understanding about not meeting Ava yet. Always offering assurances that it was a big step, that he wanted Tommy to feel comfortable making it.
Howie waves goodbye over the top of their car, Tommy straps Ava into her seat and thinks maybe it's time to take it.
He's staring at his phone again, Ava is playing on the floor, babbling to herself as she pulls the chains on the exploration board Tommy had built her. Her next bottle is cooling on the side table. He types out the message, 'I think I'm ready for the next step'. He deletes it. 'I want you to meet her' and deletes it again. He sighs, scrubbing at his cheek. The last few months had been filled with consciously trying to communicate better, to believe that the people around him wanted to listen. Wanted to stay. He glances up at Ava, she has moved on to opening a latch on a small wooden door. Sometimes wanting to stay isn't enough, he thinks. Or maybe the very fact that any day it could be gone is reason enough to try now. He types out the message again, presses send. He knows Evan had a shift today, they have a dinner scheduled for that evening after Ava has gone to bed. He pulls out his phone again to suggest that Evan could come once he wakes up from his post shift nap. Maybe they could have dinner all together tonight. The corner of his lips tug up at the thought. Ava has been enjoying making him say 'cheers' with her at every opportunity lately, and with anything she happened to be holding. The thought of them doing it together makes warmth bloom in his chest.
He's so busy imagining it, Evan's bright smile and Ava's wild laugh that the knock on the door makes him jump. Ava's eyes flick up, wide and worried. He pushes himself up off the couch, bends down and gently squeezes her little hand.
"It's okay bubba, just the door." She blinks at him and then points at the doorway.
"Ah!"
Tommy chuckles.
"Ah indeed, I'll be right back okay?" He drops a kiss to the top of her head, going out to the hallway, glancing over his shoulder to check that Ava had gone back to playing. She had, and doesn't look up again as Tommy flips the latch and pulls the door open.
The sight before him makes his heart flip in his chest.
It's Evan, eyes red rimmed and lip trembling. He looks up at Tommy through wet lashes. He looks lost.
Tommy reaches out and guides him into the hallway, shuts the door behind them and pulls him into his arms.
"I-I'm sorry for j-just sh-showing up." Buck sniffles against his throat. His voice is raw, Tommy can feel the tears soaking into the collar of his shirt.
"It's okay." He murmurs, bringing his hand up to rub soothing circles into Buck's back. He lets the moment stretch, waiting for Buck's breathing to settle down.
"We had a call." The words seem like too much, hiccupy sobs are pressed into Tommy's chest.
"W-was a family. A fire, we-we couldn't," Tommy tightens his hold, trying to press some comfort into Buck. "Coul-ln't get them out." Buck whimpers. "There was a baby."
Oh.
Tommy flinches.
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to just show up but I just-" Buck untucking himself from Tommy's throat. "I just needed to see you."
Tommy shifts, cupping Buck's face in his hands, swiping away the tears with his thumbs.
"It's okay, I get it." He kisses Buck softly. "I'm glad you came."
A small squeak from the living room pulls them out of their bubble. Buck starts, glancing into the room and then back at Tommy. His eyes are wide, worried.
"Sorry, you probably need to-" he swallows thickly. "I- I can come back later."
Tommy frowns.
"I don’t want you to come back later."
Something pained flits across Buck's face. Tommy silently chastises himself.
"No, no -" he reaches out to take Buck's hand where he’s already pulling away.
"I mean," he lets out a breath. "I don’t want you to come back later because I don’t want you to leave now."
Buck frowns, his eyes flitting between the doorway and Tommy.
"But she’s -" he gestures past him towards the gentle babbling coming from the next room.
"I know, I’ve been thinking about it anyway."
"You don’t have to say that j-just because of this." he waves his hand vaguely around his face.
"I’m not - you haven't looked at your phone since you left work?" Tommy takes a step forward, pulls Buck towards the doorway.
Buck shakes his head.
"No, I- I just wanted to get here." He starts pulling it out of his pocket, slides his thumb over the lock. Fresh tears fall as he reads the messages waiting for him. He swallows, looks up at Tommy again, the vulnerability clear in his eyes.
"Are you sure?"
Tommy smiles.
“I'm sure. I want you to be a part of my life, and she is so much of that. I don’t want to you to be separate anymore."
Tommy brings him into the room. Ava has shuffled closer to the door, her noises becoming more insistant, reaching her arms up to Tommy. He picks her up and holds her close, angling her towards Buck.
"Ava, this is Evan."
Buck smiles, it's still watery, but he reaches out and strokes her arm gently.
"Hey Ava."
She looks up at him with the same stormy blue eyes, familiar Cupid’s bow lips open as she watches him. Then she reaches over and takes his finger, wiggling it up and down and giggling. Tommy feels like his heart is going to burst. He lets out a breath, of course she would love him. What's not to love.
Buck laughs too, turning into a squawk as she pulls his hand forward and puts it in her mouth.
"Oh yeah, she does do that." Tommy laughs. He gently extricates Buck's finger and gives Ava a teether instead.
Tommy guides Buck down onto the couch, one handedly pulls the blanket off the back and haphazardly drapes it over him. He carefully reaches over and picks the bottle up off the table before slotting in beside Buck. He arranges Ava in the crook of his arm and gives her the bottle. She takes it easily, Buck shuffles closer, curls into Tommy's side and watches rapturously as Tommy feeds her, gently pats her wind up and then tucks her into his shoulder. She is asleep within minutes.
"Looks cosy." Buck jokes, he doesn't feel as raw anymore, the comfort he's always found in Tommy balming over the pain.
"You can have a go too, I have two sides." Tommy looks at him, eyes full of quiet understanding. Buck nods gently, the exhaustion of the day hitting in full force as he gets comfortable, lets his eyes slip closed. Falling asleep to the soft patterns Tommy is tracing along his spine.
The first dinner they have as a three is a success. Ava chews thoughtfully on the yogurt bread pizzas Buck makes and only throws half of it on the floor. Tommy assures him that this is a resounding success. Buck cleans the kitchen while Tommy takes Ava up for her bath. By the time he ventures upstairs, still a little anxious about intruding on their time together, Tommy is the one who looks like he's been in the bath.
He holds Ava out to Buck.
"Do you mind? I could use a dry shirt." He laughs. Buck takes her easily, tries not to show how it makes his chest swell. He takes her into her room as Tommy disappears into his. They choose a book from the shelf and start to read, so engaged that he doesn't notice when Tommy comes back into the room, watching them together.
"You're good at that." He says as he takes Ava back, gives her a kiss and says goodnight.
"Yeah," Buck leans into the crib, strokes Ava's face gently. "Got plenty of practise."
Buck stays over that night.
When he blinks awake, the darkness of the room tells him it’s still the middle of the night. He rolls over and stretches out his arms only finds an empty bed. The monitor on Tommy’s bedside tables plays the gentle sounds of him soothing Ava back to sleep. Oh, of course. He smiles to himself, it had been such a bad day that had ended perfectly. Buck slips out of bed and quietly pads down the hall, slipping around the half open door. Tommy is in the middle of her room, holding Ava against his chest, rocking her gently. Her head is tucked into his neck, hand curled around his ear. Buck tip toes further in and wraps his arms around them both, sways in time with Tommy’s rocking. He feels Tommy relax against him, feels that he's exactly where he needs to be.
She's growing, they're growing and before Tommy knows it she is one. He stands next to Buck and grins the whole day as she is surrounded by everyone they love. A bright banner hangs above the French doors. Their friends pick at the food Buck stayed up late into the night perfecting. Jee is sitting on the floor, delighting in Ava, eagerly watching as she pulls at the sparkly tape on her present. Tommy doesn't miss the slight pout as Ava mostly ignores the kitchen set Jee had chosen for her in favour of the crinkly wrapping paper. Doesn't miss Howie appearing behind her, gently reassuring her of her choice. He's good at it, it suits him, Tommy thinks. He glances over at Buck, who pulls Tommy over to the pile of discarded wrapping paper and starts scrunching it back to Ava, who claps in delight.
Maybe it suits us too.
The grief hits him as he's pulling Ava's curtains closed that evening. The guests have left, the kitchen cleaned down. Each new toy put carefully in its place. He picks up the framed picture from Ava's bedside table. Looks at his sisters smiling face, at her husband looking down at the tiny bundle in her arms. The picture radiates joy as the pain blooms in his chest. He traces his thumb over the glass, thinks about the day. It shouldn't have happened here, he should be in a stuffy guest room a hundred miles away. He should be downstairs making polite small talk with relatives he had hoped never to see again. Not getting out her pajamas, listening to Evan singing a silly tooth brushing song.
A tear falls onto the glass, he wipes it away with the cuff of his shirt. His sadness smeared across their smiling faces.
"Sorry we took so long-" Evan's voice floats down the hallway, "Miss Ava had to brush all of the bath animals teeth before she would let me brush hers." He hears them come into the room, Ava is bundled up in Evan's arms, wrapped a new towel, the hood adorned with flapping rabbit ears. A gift from her Grampa Bobby and Grama Athena. He clutches the photo a little tighter.
The grief throbs.
It must show on his face because in no time there's a solid arm looped around his waist and tiny hands patting at his chest. He turns then, the first movement he's made since they came in. Ava is babbling as she wriggles into his arms, he'll never get tired of it, the sweet sound of her working out life. Evan presses a soft kiss to his cheek, helps to balance Ava on Tommy's chest. Catches sight of the frame in his hand.
"You okay?" He asks, quiet and gentle. Tommy nods, as Ava leans forward and taps at the picture.
"Mumma!" She looks up at Tommy, searching for confirmation. He smiles at her.
"Yeah, that's your Mumma." His voice is thick, he knows Evan can hear it, even as Ava continues undeterred. She taps at the glass again.
"Dadda!"
"Yeah, there he is." It's Evan this time, he points at the little bundle. "And that's little Ava."
Later, after stories have been read and goodnight kisses have been given, Tommy finds himself curled up against Buck's side in bed. The monitor beside them delivering the soft sounds of Ava's sleep heavy breathing.
"It shouldn't be like this." He says into the darkness, it feels like a confession.
"I should have been there for her today."
Buck runs his thumb along Tommy cheek, catches the stray tear there.
"You were." Buck sits up more, looks him in the eye. Even in the darkness Tommy can feel the sincerity radiating off of him. "You've been there for her every day since Ava came here."
The grief throbs and grows, climbs up the trellise of his ribcage, tightens in his throat. Tears spill out between them, soaking into Buck's sleep shirt.
"I wish she was here." The words are thick, his voice shaking. Buck holds him closer, presses a kiss to the top of his head.
"I know love, just like I know she would be so proud of you."
He lets out a shuddering breath.
"You think so?"
"I know so, you've given her everything she needs. That's why she chose you, she knew you would come through, because that's what you do."
Tommy lets the words wash over him, thinks about the first time he met Ava. His sister's exhausted smile.
"I just want her to be happy." She'd said. He hopes that Evan is right, that he can make his sister proud.
The grief pulls away, settles back down to its usual place as sleep pulls him under.
"Tommy! Come here, quick!"
All number of things run through Tommy's head as he drops the laundry basket and all but runs back to the living room. He can feel his heart pounding, he hadn't heard anything. No tell tale thump of an over balanced fall, no piercing cry. He appears in the door way and all of his momentum dies on the spot.
Ava is stood up by the French doors, her arms outstretched to where Buck is crouched a few feet away from her. She is opening and closing her little hands, her left leg shuffling as she tries to get it off the ground. Buck glances back to him.
"She was so close! She nearly got her foot up, I didn't want you to miss it." Tommy slips down onto the floor behind Buck, reaches out to her too. Buck turns back to Ava.
"Come on little one, we've got you."
She looks between them and lifts her foot, swaying forward and planting it in front of her, quickly followed by the other. Tommy sucks in a breath, joy bursting out of him as she lists forwards, momentum carrying her wobbly legs and flapping hands right into their arms. The force of her sends them all crashing backwards, landing in a heap on the floor. Buck is holding Ava up, praising her for those first precious steps. Tommy pushes himself up, wraps his arms around them both, the guilt feels sharp for a moment, but he pushes it away. There's a reason she chose you, a voice in his mind supplies. It sounds a lot like Evan, she knew that you would be able to do this, to love her, to give her what she needs. He takes a deep breath and basks in the moment. Their moment of pure joy, of progress. He looks up at the bookcase, where a picture of him and his sister attending her graduation sits. He feels her watching over him and for the first time since Ava came through his door, knows that they will be okay.