Chapter Text
“I need a shower,” Buck muttered as he walked back to the truck, slamming the door shut behind him, harder than he meant to.
The ride back was quiet. The hum of the engine filled the space that words couldn’t. Buck stared out the window, jaw clenched, trying not to flinch every time the truck hit a bump. He kept his arms tight to his sides, careful not to let his knee touch Eddie’s.
Physical touch was the last thing he could handle right now, especially from Eddie. Not because of Eddie, but because touch made him feel like he’d splinter apart.
He noticed the looks his teammates exchanged in the rearview mirror, but he just didn’t have it in him to care.
He couldn’t even remember how he ended up in the shower. One moment he was sitting in the back of the fire truck, and the next, hot water was cascading over his skin. It was like he’d been in a trance and only snapped out of it when the heat hit him.
But even the scalding water couldn’t burn away the feeling of dirt and filth clinging to him. No matter how long he scrubbed, he still felt dirty, tainted, somehow.
He scrubbed harder, clawing at his own skin until it turned various shades of pink and red from the heat and friction.
Harder, and harder still, until his skin burned. It wasn’t just grime, it was something deeper, something he couldn’t name. The water stung, but he didn’t stop. Not until Eddie’s knocking through the wall grew louder.
“Buck,” Eddie called, half joking, half worried. “You planning to come out sometime this year?”
Buck froze. Eddie’s voice grounded him, just a little.
No response.
Eddie hesitated, then continued, softer this time. “Look, I know calls like that, when kids are involved, they’re always hard.” He paused, choosing his words carefully. “But that one was different. You were different. So I just… you did everything you could out there.”
The words barely registered. The water roared too loud in his ears. After a moment, Eddie added quietly, “You don’t have to do this alone, man. You know that, right?”
For a long moment, the only sound between them was the steady rush of water from the still-running shower.
Finally, Buck forced out a reply, his voice rough and unconvincing.
“I’m fine.”
Eddie didn’t believe him, not for a second, but he also knew pushing wouldn’t help. So he stayed quiet, leaning against the wall outside the bathroom, hoping Buck would come to him when he was ready. But they both knew Buck all too well, and they both knew he wouldn’t.
A few days later, Eddie’s house was alive with sound, buzzing with excitement for their movie night. Noise Buck needed right now, noise he needed as a distraction.
Christopher’s laughter echoed down the hall as he used multiple random household items to build a fort.
Buck sat on the couch, pretending to read, pretending he was still the same old Buck searching for fun facts to tell Chris, though his eyes hadn’t moved past the same sentence in ten minutes.
“Hey, Buck!” Chris called. “You should come inside my new hideout!”
Buck glanced over and saw that Chris had finished building by draping a garden tarp over his ‘hideout’ to serve as the roof.
Buck smiled faintly and stood, making his way over.
“This is awesome, buddy,” he said, sitting down next to Chris inside the fort, his head brushing against the ‘roof.’
Chris grinned proudly, then added, “Yeah! And look, you can even open up the roof!” He reached for a random cord holding everything together.
“Chris, wait—” Buck began just as the fort collapsed down over them.
The smell of the tarp hit him like a physical blow. Buck’s chest tightened. His vision blurred, and suddenly the bright, cozy living room dissolved.
He was back there, trapped under a tarp, forced to sleep with the woven plastic wrapped over his body, pressing him into the ground.
Hands shaking.
The weight of the staff members sleeping on top of the tarp pinning him down. Their voices echoing through the trees.
The rules.
The punishment for trying to run away.
The smell of cheap plastic and dirt burned in his nostrils.
The isolation.
The small spaces.
Everything came flooding back.
“Buck?” Chris’s voice broke through faintly, scared now.
Buck blinked, jerking back to the present. His heart was racing, his hands trembling so badly he almost knocked over what was left of the fort.
“I…” He hesitated. “I’m fine, buddy,” he stammered, forcing a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Just… just tired, that’s all.”
Eddie walked in from the kitchen, drying his hands. One look at Buck and he frowned. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Buck said quickly. Too quickly. “I just… gotta get some air.”
He was out the door before Eddie could say anything else.
He sat on the porch for a total of three minutes, just staring up at the sky, maybe searching for something, before he was pulled out of his thoughts.
“Talk to me, Buck. Please.”
“I… I just feel wrong. Like I’ve been living with this all my life. I don’t understand why I can’t just let things go and move on.”
Buck finally dared to look at Eddie’s face. He heard the scuffle beside him as Eddie sat down next to him, gently squeezing his knee, just to say I’m here.
And just like that, the dam broke.
“I don’t understand how I still let this experience... these people, have so much power over me.”
The stars above blurred as tears filled his eyes, not falling. Not yet.
“Whatever they did to you, Buck, it doesn’t get to define you now.”
Buck turned his head toward the blurry, beautiful version of Eddie beside him.
“I know that, I do… but it’s like my body and mind believe different things.”
“Buck, it takes time to heal. And that’s okay. Whatever happened to you might take years, even decades, to leave you at peace. What’s important is that you know you’re not doing it alone. You have so many people who love you, Bobby, Maddie, Chim, Hen, Athena, Chris, and… and me.”
Eddie looked at him gently. “Just… please remember that.”
They sat in silence for a while after that, just being in each other’s company.
Eventually, Buck dared to break the tension.
“Do you… do you remember that kid from the park?”
Buck asked, his voice small. The silence between them had settled into something gentle.
Eddie nodded.
“I was him,” Buck whispered.
Eddie blinked. “What do you mean?”
Before Buck could explain, he was interrupted by multiple buzzes from his phone.
“Sorry,” he murmured, fishing it out of his pocket.
Eddie watched as the tears in Buck’s eyes finally fell. Buck’s face twisted into a scared, horrified expression.
“Buck?” Eddie whispered, reaching out to touch Buck’s shoulder lightly. “Buck… what’s wrong?”
“They’re here,” Buck whispered, as if trying to convince himself it wasn’t true. “They came early.”
Eddie’s confusion deepened at Buck’s earlier statements, but before he could ask, Buck finally forced out the words, one last explanation before he broke.
“My parents came early.”