Chapter Text
Hershey – Summer 2003
It was a miserable summer in the Buckley household. Well, any time of year is miserable in the Buckley household, but summer 2003 might yet take the prize, if anyone were to ask Evan.
A broken wrist at the beginning of summer holidays meant he could not play sports; not that he loved them all that much, but it gave him friends to spend time with and a reason to be out of the house for hours at a time. At the same time, dad was out of town for weeks on some work trip. That was a first: on one side, less parental control, but Evan started to realize it wasn’t as good a thing as all his classmates thought. With dad gone, gone was the only adult who was willing to at least pretend to care about him. God knows his mom stopped bothering these days.
There was, of course, his sister Maddie. The only person who truly loved and cared about Evan, and the boy knew it. But even Maddie had grown-up already: she had her college friends, her summer job and her boyfriend (ew, Evan really didn’t like the guy). His sister couldn’t be spending all her time with her reckless twelve year old brother, even if she did promise to take him to Hershey Park for all the rides as soon as his cast was off.
That was yet to happen, which left Evan alone on his birthday morning, killing time at a park and waiting while Maddie finished her morning shift before taking him out to celebrate. He was excited to spend the afternoon with his sister and see what she had planned for them, but these several hours in the morning seemed to drag on. His mom said nothing during breakfast, as expected, a box of his favorite muffins left by Maddie instead of a cake being the only indication it wasn’t a random Friday.
“Those are my favorite! It’s so cool you got a whole pack!” a girl’s voice distracted Evan from staring at the muffins, trying to decide if it was worth it waiting for his sister to open the box. In front of a picnic table that Evan hogged to himself to brood and contemplate his muffins stood a girl his age, her copper-red hair in a loose braid and a big smile on her face. She was pointing at his muffins, and it took the blonde boy a moment to realize she really was talking to him.
“Um, thanks. My sister got them for my birthday – they’re my favorites too,” he answered, looking around, trying to see if Maddie was there yet. Even if he knew it was still too early for her to be done with work.
At the mention of his birthday, the girl squealed and clapped her hands, rambling congratulations before plopping on a bench opposite of Evan, and extending her arm to him.
“Oh my god, happy birthday! It’s so cool! I hope you get all the presents you want and that all your wishes come true – just make sure not to tell anyone of them! How old are you now? I’m eleven myself. Oh, and my name is Emily, but everyone calls me Em. What’s your name?”
Considering he was yet to see Maddie that morning, this fiery girl that came out of nowhere was the first person to wish him Happy Birthday. Evan wasn’t sure what to do with that: he truly didn’t think he’d hear these words from anyone else today. But the girl’s, Emily’s, good mood seemed to be infectious: without even meaning to, Evan realized he was shaking her hand and introducing himself in turn, a beaming smile on his face.
Before long, he was offering to share few muffins between them and asking about her favorite dinosaurs (her t-shirt with a Tyrannosaurus Rex made him think she liked them too, to which she gasped and asked him if he really didn’t know it was the Rex from the ‘Toy Story’. At his embarrassed and confused mumble that he never saw it, she just promised to show it to him sometime, both parts). Em told him that she just moved to Hershey with her mom, and while living in the land of chocolate sounded fun, she missed having friends, especially right before starting middle school. Evan happily returned that he was to start middle school in September as well, and wouldn’t it be great if they were in the same class. He also offered to show her all the best rides in the Hershey park as soon as his cast was off, and redhead’s reaction to finally noticing the cast on his left hand made Evan laugh so hard he almost choked on the muffin. The brave (stupid) story of how he got it became the next topic of conversation.
Evan wasn’t sure how long they were chatting, but the next thing he knew Maddie’s voice was calling him from the other side of the park, a birthday balloon and a gift box in her hands. At the sight of his sister he grabbed his things, making sure to take the last two muffins for them to share, and leapt from the table.
“I need to go, it’s my sister Maddie, we’re going to celebrate! But I’ll see you here next week and show you all the skate tricks, it’s super fun!”
Emily nodded excitedly to it all, and before Evan could even react, jumped up as well and hugged him.
“Thank you for becoming my friend, Evan,” she whispered into the hug, and not knowing how to act in such cases, Evan just hugged her back with his free hand.
Something clutched the birthday boy’s heart, and he whispered back “No, thank you” before shaking it off and running off with the cocky grin instead of a goodbye.
Maybe, just maybe, summer 2003 wasn’t the worst in the Buckley household, Evan thought that night. After all, he now had Emily to make it all better.
“Buck! Buck, can you hear me?! What happened, are you hurt?! Buck! Buck… EVAN!” frantic calls filter in through overwhelming rushing of blood in Buck’s ears, his given name snapping him out and making him focus on person speaking. It’s Eddie. Disheveled, panicked, sweat-soaked and breathless Eddie, crouching in front of an open driver’s door and trying to get to him.
Buck takes stock of his surroundings: he is still hunched over in the car, and the car is still in the spot it was in when he stopped after finishing the call. He feels his pulse calm down, his breathing even out and his mind start working again. The obvious questions start popping up in his head: how is Eddie here? Has there been an accident? Has Buck been in a car crash?
No. It wasn’t him. The memory of the phone call rushes in. There was a car crash, but not here. In Oregon. Emily and James… Oh no.
“Oh no, Buck, not again!” Eddie literally shakes him by his shoulders just as Buck can feel his mind start unraveling again. “Look at me, breathe with me. You’re okay, you’re here with me. Breathe.”
Buck has to focus all his attention on just following Eddie’s instructions. It’s hard, but even in his disoriented state he can see that his friend is on the verge of his own panic attack with all of this, and the last thing anyone needs is both of them incapacitated in the middle of the road. He needs to get to Salem, after all.
“Salem? Massachusetts? Why would you need to get there? What the hell is going on?!” Oh, he must have said that last thought out loud. Buck wills his body to calm down – he needs to move.
“Salem, Oregon. I-I, I need to get there, right now. They need me. Oh God, do they need me right now…”
“Who needs you, Buck? What is in Salem? You’re not making any sense. Can you tell me what’s going on?” Buck can hear desperation and panic in Eddie’s voice, and he’d love to explain it all to him. However, if he has to say it out loud, to make it real and tangible and sound, he is sure to break down beyond anyone’s control. And he doesn’t have time for it. He needs to go.
Buck straightens and shakes Eddie’s hands off. He then turns in his seat to face the wheel, starting up the engine he doesn’t remember turning off. He can feel Eddie’s confused gaze, but he cannot concentrate on it now.
“I need to go. Now. Either get in, or back off,” Buck tries to reach over and grab the car door, but Eddie is still standing in his way, confused and now visibly hurt. Something twitches in Buck’s heart (whatever is left of it, anyway), but he doesn’t. have. time. “Eddie! I’m serious. Move!”
He isn’t sure what his friend hears in his voice, but it must be dire enough to make him move. Eddie stumbles a step back, and then moves around the Jeep. In time it takes Buck to close his car door and fasten his seatbelt, Eddie is already in the passenger seat, buckled in and watching him as if he is a ticking bomb. Yeah, he feels like one too.
Without another word, the Jeep starts moving again. Buck considers the destination for a moment: he needs to get at least some clothes to travel, but he also needs to figure the logistics of it. He needs tickets, and he needs someone to help him organize everything in the shortest amount of time. He needs Maddie.
Without much warning to Eddie, or even proper use of signal lights for that matter (sorry,Athena), Buck makes a sharp turn right on an intersection, rerouting to the Buckley-Han residence.
"You kept repeating Maddie's name… Is this why we're going to her place now?" Eddie asks cautiously, for once looking highly uncomfortable riding with his partner. He is gripping the handle above the seat and watching the road as if expecting Buck to drive into upcoming traffic.
Buck doesn't remember saying Maddie's name at all, but if he thinks about it, he isn't sure how Eddie even got to him in the first place. He probably should care more about this little fact. He doesn't.
"Maddie can get me plane tickets and I have a bag of clothes at her place. And Chim can help me figure out stuff with the brass in the meantime. I, I'll be gone awhile." Buck takes great care not to take his eyes off the road: he has already lost time to whatever panic attack he experienced, he doesn't have luxury of loosing more. Also, reciting things as a mere to-do list actually helps not to spiral, so maybe talking his steps out loud isn't the worst idea.
Apparently, his partner doesn't agree. Eddie seems to explode at the the detachment in Buck's voice, drowning the space between them in frantic questions.
"Gone?! Buck, what the hell is going on? I get a call from you forty minutes ago, and instead of a breakfast suggestions it's a first row to a panic attack and manic calls for Maddie. I thought something bad happened! I thought you were hurt! I fucking run there after I pulled your location from my phone. And now you're acting like a man on a mission trying to get to Oregon of all places. I cannot help if you don't tell me what's up, so –"
"I called you? I was trying to get Maddie," Buck interrupts his friend, choosing to ignore all the questions and emotions for the time being, instead focusing on the logistical details and time. Forty minutes, Eddie said. Means he didn't loose too much time. Means he can still get to them.
"Yeah, I got that! Though you sure didn't seem aware of who you're talking to. Considering the state I found you in, I don't know how you managed to even dial the phone at all." At that, Eddie seems to slump in his seat, as if the mere memory of the phone call has sucked energy out of him. Buck feels the same twitch in the far corner of his shattered heart – even now, he can't stand hurting his best friend.
"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't want to scare you, hell, I wasn't even trying to call you!" Buck is pretty sure his voice sounds hysterical not only to his ears right now, all resolve at compartmentalization gone with the wind. "Some – something happened, and I need to get to Salem by the end of the day. I just need Maddie to help me with tickets while I figure out stuff with Bobby and the firehouse."
Has he said that already? He might have, Buck isn't sure. He doesn't have the best track of his words right now, only barely focused on his actions to get to his destination. No more meltdowns, no more distractions.
Buck realizes a few minutes later that Eddie has never reacted to the last thing he said. Braving a fleeting glance to his right, Buck sees his best friend furiously typing on his phone, his face a stony frowning mask that he can't read. Which is weird, usually Buck can read any Eddie expression… No. No distractions.
"Who are you texting? Because if you're trying to get someone to talk me out of going…" Buck thinks immediately of Bobby or Hen. Either of them would be sensible enough to try and stop Buck; and he isn't sure he has the energy to resist them without falling apart. Or more importantly, time.
"I'm texting Maddie," Eddie bits out, his expression souring even more. "Seeing as she's apparently the only one you're set on talking to, I think she deserves a heads up."
Oh, that's a good idea. Wasn't it what he has been trying to do since the moment he got the call? And yet, Buck cannot shake the feeling that Eddie is being anything but helpful. Every word from his partner lands like a sucker punch, and Buck hasn't been on receiving end of such blows in years. If Buck still had it in him to feel emotions other than all-consuming grief he is valiantly ignoring, he'd double down from pain. Now, however, he has other priorities.
Silence settles in the car as Eddie seems to brood in the passenger seat. Buck, for his part, is determined to cross the leftover blocks in the record time. The clock on his phone shines bright and bold with '09:15 am' on the lock screen. Approximately 12 hours left, he can do it, his kiddos need him…
And isn't that a heart-wrenching thought. Buck has been calling those kids 'his kiddos' since the day Andrew was born. He was there when Andrew and Valeria were born, was first to hold them after their parents. He saw all of them grow up: learning to walk and talk, figuring out what they like and not, discovering hobbies they enjoyed. He knows their favorites colors and snacks, what school subjects they hate, and what is their current obsession (Andrew spends every weekend playing DnD with his friends, Valeria has picked up watercolors, and Eva has been obsessed with red pandas for months now). Buck makes sure to talk to them at least every few weeks, but still – it's all over the phone. He hasn't seen them in person in years, and it is easy being the best uncle over FaceTime and texts.
But now it's his kids. He is no longer a godfather, or their parents' friend, or a funny guy sending them gifts for birthdays and holidays. He is their guardian now, which means… Oh God, it means so much that Buck's brain floods with every minute detail instantly: he knows what it truly means to raise a kid alone, he's had a first row seat to Eddie doing it for years – and he now has three! The implications of this are staggering, and Buck inhales sharply, willing his mind to shut up and his nervous system do not go into overdrive, again. He will have time for this later – what are the chances he'll even be granted custody of them over both sets of grandparents or their actual aunt? He just needs to help them get though the worst moments of their young lives first. He can do that – it's the least he can do after Emily and James did the same for him.
The Buckley-Han residence appears just down the street, and Buck lets out a breath he hasn't noticed he was holding. Maddie's car is in the driveway and Buck feels like some of the weight of the last hour eases from his shoulders: his big sister is just there, she knows him, she will help him. To get tickets, to hastily glue his heart together before a flight, to raise three kids , all of it – she is Maddie, she can do it all, and that is exactly what Buck needs right now.
Just as Buck visibly relaxes at their arrival, Eddie on the passenger seat tenses even more, as if rearing for an actual fight. If Buck had enough awareness of his surroundings rather than the laser focus on getting to his sister, he'd notice his partner's demeanor. As it stands, the Jeep screeches to a halt next to the driveway, just barely imitating any form of parking, and Buck is out of the seat as soon as the engine is powered down. He jogs around the car just in time to see his sister open the door and step out, worry on her face. Buck gets the worry, he can recognize his behavior is unhinged at best, most likely horrifyingly worrying. It doesn't matter though, for Buck knows as soon as his says those words – the words that tilted his world off axis over an hour ago, the words that have been playing in the back of his head since that dammed call – Maddie will understand. Maddie knows – knew – Emily and James, witnessed the impact they made on her brother's life. She will understand and she will help and she will take care of him.
Before Buck can take more than few steps towards his sister, a hand grabs his and yanks him back. It's Eddie, who is out of the car as well and doesn't seem to grasp the urgency of the situation. Buck tugs, trying to wrench himself free, or at least drag them both towards Maddie, whatever is quicker. Eddie refuses to budge and jerks him back, forcing Buck to turn and face him. Buck is suddenly struck with just how angry his friend truly is.
"Buck! Stop it, it's not funny! You're acting manic and unreasonable, and I can see you're hurting. I'm trying to help, but unless you tell me what's going on, I cannot do anything! I know for a fact that Maddie is just as clueless. There should be nothing connecting you to Oregon anymore. I need you to stop for a moment and explain what's going on, for God's sake! I'm this close to calling Athena to stop you and make you answer one fucking question. What. Is. Happening?!"
Words feel like a slap, a hit that never came all those years ago. Eddie's anger reverberates in the air between them, and if Buck was in his right mind – not so unreasonable – he'd recognize deep worry and fear in Eddie's voice. But all Buck hears is "stop", "calling Athena" and "nothing connecting you to Oregon anymore", and feels violently ill. He doesn't have time for this, he cannot stop right now, and why would Eddie be so cruel to hit him where it hurts the most?
'Nothing connecting you to Oregon anymore' sounds like a heartbreaking truth (Emily and James are dead) and a horrible lie (Andrew, Valeria and Eva are there) at the same time and it takes everything in Buck not to go down to his knees right there under the weight of it.
Instead, Buck physically recoils from Eddie and his wrong-wrong words, tries to get as far as possible from them. He wrenches his arm back with staggering force, making Eddie let go and sending him stumbling backwards. Eddie catches himself and looks up at his friend with damn near horror in his eyes, unused to seeing Buck as forceful in any way.
Buck lets momentum to carry him a few steps backwards, in the direction of the porch where Maddie still waits. Eddie's horrified look cuts the last string of composure – Buck blows up.
"You want to know what's going on, Eddie?" Buck hurls back at his friend, spreading his arms in the air. He is louder that he probably should be in the middle of the street, but he doesn't care. Cat is out of the bag, and Eddie can go fuck off. "My best friends are dead, and they left ME to take care of their three kids! Doesn't that sound familiar?!"
And before Eddie has time to reply, to even properly register what's been said, let alone the implications of the words, Buck is turning away. He closes the distance to the porch in seconds and collapses in Maddie's arms, allowing himself to fall apart. Tears soak Maddie's shoulder in seconds and he barely hears Maddie's concerned questions through the noise of his own sobs. Buck manages to find energy in himself to stop crying for a moment to answer her, to finally voice the new horrible heartbreaking reality of his life:
"Em and Jamie are dead."
He feels more than hears Maddie suck in a breath, processing the news. Then she crushes him in her hug, as if to protect him from the world beyond her porch they are still standing on.