Archive of Our Own

Dear Alex Claremont-Diaz,

This is an automated message from the Human Resources Division of The Ridge Journal, New York's leading newspaper. Please note that your email titled "My Tardiness and Unprofessional Behaviour" has been flagged and included in your portfolio for the monthly employee review. Your Outlook email account should be used for exclusively work communication. We ask that you refrain from writing inappropriate emails in the future, as such behaviour is not in line with company policy.

We would like to take this opportunity to remind you that routine tardiness and unprofessional conduct towards your
colleagues can be symptoms of serious issues, such as

• Alcoholism
• Drug addiction
• Gambling addiction
• Sleep disorders
• Clinical depression
• Mental fatigue

and any number of other conditions. If you are suffering from any of the above or unlisted conditions, please do not hesitate to contact your Human Resources Representative, Miguel Ramos. Your HR representative will be able to kindly direct you to The Ridge Journal's Staff Assistance Programme, where you will be able to find professional support in order to reach your full potential.

Alex Claremont-Diaz, we here at The Ridge Journal are a team. We always win as a team, and we always lose as one. Alex Claremont-Diaz, don't you want to be part of the winning team? So please ensure you arrive on time and respect your colleagues at all times!

Please note that further misuse of your Outlook email account in the future will result in further actions being taken.

Do not reply to this email as it will not be checked. If you need assistance then please send a separate email to [email protected] and we will get back to you as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Human Resources Division
The Ridge Journal

Dear HR,

Duly note. Can't wait for the monthly review!

Thanks.

Regards,

Alex Claremont-Diaz
Senior Political Correspondent
The Ridge Journal

P.S. - Out of curiosity, am I really the only employee who misuses their work email?

Alex,

You need to stop emailing HR. They think you need to be enrolled in the S.A.P. or face some other consequences.

Please can you stop fighting with Hunter and get to work on time?

Also, we need to talk. So, stop avoiding me.

Yours,

Miguel

Maybe you should enrol yourself and your buddies at HR in the Staff Assistance Programme. No one in this company abuses their work email account as much as HR does. I'm sure you'll all have a blast!

And there is nothing left to talk about.

Thanks.

Regards,

Alex Claremont-Diaz
Senior Political Correspondent
The Ridge Journal

We're going out for lunch as soon as this meeting ends. Then we're gonna grab proper coffee from a proper coffee shop (not the lame coffee from the food hall). Maybe I shouldn't have sent Richards that passive aggressive email, because now he's totally being petty with me.

Also, I haven't been sleeping well since Mrs. M had her accident. Her dog doesn't stop barking!

Alex

I'm down for it! I was only able to grab a pain au chocolat this morning so need some urgent fueling.

Her family still haven't gotten back to you??? How is she btw?

Nora :)

P.S. - Richards is always petty with you, Alex.

No and the hospital aren't having any luck either. Left her grandson another voicemail this morning. I'm starting to suspect they hate her...and if they did then I wouldn't be surprised with her attitude. Like every time I stop by to check on her, she stares at me like I'm something sour she found at the bottom of her shoe.

She's doing okay if you ignore the broken hip and the nasty head bump. She just needs to bang her physio sessions and I guess she will be discharged...?

Yeah but since that email he's being actively petty instead of being sneaky petty.

Alex

Hello Team,

Your work emails are meant to be used for work purposely only. Also, a reminder to everyone that this meeting is still ongoing, so I expect everyone to be paying attention.

Many Regards,

Jeffery Richards
Managing Editor
The Ridge Journal

Like I don't see him scrolling on Amazon dot com!!!

Also, did you guys hear anything about Hunter getting dumped? Amy from the Food Review dept said she was checking this new Italian place for her next article & saw the whole thing. Apparently his girlfriend (well now ex girlfriend) caught him trying to ask their waitress out when she came back from the bathroom! God men are so annoying.

Nora :)

Geez is that why he was hitting on Zahra earlier? Heard him say she looked stunning and she told him to walk away otherwise she would zip tie his balls together until they fall off on their own. She's so cool. But so scary.

S

Stay away from Zahra. I mean it.

Uh what the hell dude?

Hello Team,

Please see me after this meeting is over. I am extremely disappointed in your lack of professionalism, as it reflects poorly on me as your immediate superior. Once again, remember that your work emails are to be used for work purposes only .

Many Regards,

Jeffery Richards
Managing Editor
The Ridge Journal

Dear Mr. Claremont-Diaz,

I hope you are well.

Please accept my sincerest apologies for not getting back to your sooner. I am currently away on a conference outside the city until the end of this week, and the signal here has been terribly poor, which is why you haven't been able to reach me.

First of all, thank you so much for being there for my grandmother throughout this unfortunate situation. It means a lot to me and my family to know that she hasn't been alone during all of this. We are also very grateful to you for kindly agreeing to look after her dog, his name is Brutus.

I have been in touch with the medical team at the hospital, and they have updated me on her condition and progress, which I am relieved to hear is improving. They also informed me that you and the team there have also been trying to contact my family in London. I will contact them myself and inform them, so please don't worry about that.

I realise I am asking more from you when you have already done so much, but given that her condition is stable and the medical team are happy with your presence, could you please look after Brutus and keep my grandmother company just until I get back from my conference? But please don't feel pressured to agree as I do not wish to impose on you further.

Please feel free to contact me at +1 646-XXX-XXXX at anytime and I will do my best to respond despite the limited signal.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank You.

Kind Regards,

Henry F. Mountchristen-Windsor
Professor of English Literature
Department of English
New York University
244 Greene Street, Room 811
New York, NY 10003

Office Hours: Monday–Friday, 10:00 AM–4:00 PM, and by appointment.

Hello all,

I hope you're all well.

I'm emailing you all at once because I'm in an area with atrocious signal, so a phone call probable won't be possible. Before anyone panics (Pip, I am specifically talking about you), Gran is okay.
Her neighbour and the hospital have been trying to reach us over the last few days. It seems Gran fell and broke her hip, and he took her to the hospital. She's had an operation and is now stable. She also lightly banged her head but the doctor was confident she suffered no head trauma. They're keeping an eye on her.

He's also currently looking after Brutus and popping over to her place to make sure her plants are watered since none of us are around. Given her stable condition, I've asked him to keep an eye on her until I get back to New York on Sunday and to let me know if anything happens.

Once again, Gran is safe and recovering well. I'll call her everyday with the hotel phone. I need to go now, my conference starts in 15 minutes. See you all soon.


Love,

Henry

Henry, why the bloody hell are you still prancing around wherever you are instead to heading back to New York immediately?

And who exactly is this neighbour fellow? Are we really trusting a stranger to keep Gran company, look after Brutus and allow him full access to her apartment? I don't like this at all. How do we know that he won't try to claim Brutus as his own or rob Gran at the first opportunity?

You need to get back to New York right away. Call us as soon as you can. I mean it, Henry.

Yours,

Philip

If you're so worried that her neighbour might steal Brutus and Gran's darling collection of porcelain ashtrays then may I suggest you fly back to New York right away.

As I mentioned in my previous email, she is perfectly fine — just unable to walk properly for now, but that will improve with her PT/OT sessions according to her medical team.

So I don't see why I need to cut short an important conference when I'll be returning soon anyway. Considering the fact that her neighbour found her, accompanied her to the hospital, stayed with her, visits her daily, looks after Brutus, and is keeping an eye on her apartment, I'd say we can trust him.

Also, I spoke to her briefly before my conference, and she gave me yet another lecture on how I'm wasting my life by choosing English Literature instead of Law, so I can confirm she's fine.

Love,

Henry

When we get back to New York, come see me so I can strangle you. In fact, I'll come to you instead.

Yours,

Philip

Calm down Pip. I'm sure Hen would return back to New York if things were bad.

Let's all be glad that Gran is safe and isn't in any immediate danger. Hen's going to be home in the next few days and we'll also be back soon. Thank god for her amazing neighbour!

Enjoy your trip Hen and Aunt Eloise sends her love. See you soon!

Love,

Bea

Hello Love,

Hope you are doing good and how's our conference going? We miss you terribly and wish you were here.

We've been in Scotland all week, so unfortunately no one's been around to receive calls back in London. I'm so relieved to hear that mum's safe and doing well. Bless her kind neighbour for everything he's done! What hospital is she currently in? I want to speak to her.

I've bought your favourite Earl Grey. I can't wait for our afternoon tea!!

Won't be long till we see each other again, darling.

Love,

Mum

Hi Henry,

So glad to hear from you, and even more relieved that Mary is doing well! It's wonderful that her kind neighbour was present at just the right time.

Do forgive Pip and his silly emails. He means well and sends his love (even though he has a hard time saying it out loud).

Love,

Martha <3

Hi Henry,

Please call me Alex! I'm so glad to hear from you and I'm glad I was able to be there for your grandmother. I actually just got back from visiting her — she's doing fine — and I'm about to water her plant. Then take Brutus and I will heading to the park for his daily walk.

Of course, I am very happy to look after him and keeping Mrs. M company till you get back. When you get back just drop me a text and we can arrange a time.

Take care!

Regards,

Alex Claremont-Diaz
Senior Political Correspondent
The Ridge Journal

Dear Alex,

I hope you are well.

Once again, I cannot tell you how much my family and I appreciate everything you are doing for us, and we apologise again for imposing on your kindness. I have spoken to my family, and they will be in touch with the hospital and with my grandmother.

I hope Brutus has not been causing too trouble for you. It is well known in our family that old Brutus has a remarkable pair of lungs and is not afraid to showcase their full capabilities.

As soon as I am back to New York, I will get in touch with you to arrange a suitable time.


Thank You.

Kind Regards,

Henry F. Mountchristen-Windsor
Professor of English Literature
Department of English
New York University
244 Greene Street, Room 811
New York, NY 10003

Office Hours: Monday–Friday, 10:00 AM–4:00 PM, and by appointment.