Chapter Text
It had been a week. Or at least, he assumed it had been a week. Jonathan hadn’t returned to talk to him about his plan. And Edward hadn’t gone looking for him. He hadn’t had the energy. He’d given up on the riddles and the planning. Nothing seemed worth it; the energy and effort made nausea rise up in his throat. Edward had been doing the bare minimum to keep himself alive. Eat, drink, sleep. He could feel himself wasting away day by day, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to care. What was the point? Why should he bother trying to defeat Batman when he had tasted the bitter sting of defeat so many times before? It was a question he’d been mulling over in his mind with each hour that slipped by, and for once, he couldn’t find an answer to it. There was no justification for trying to push past this.
So he lay there, hollow and cold. Waiting for his body to rot away so that finally his mind could come to a halt. There wasn’t much else he could do, or much that he wanted to do if he was to be truthful with himself. He had lost everything he had. Sent away Jonathan without a second thought. Had he spiralled back then? He couldn’t remember; everything had happened so fast. One moment, Jonathan was there, and the next he wasn’t. And still his mind marched forward. Remembering, holding on. Never giving him a chance to get anything in order. He had so much information he could recall, yet none of it mattered when everything he cared about vanished in the end. It was just there, slowly adding onto the pile in his mind that was beginning to crush him the longer it went on. He couldn’t handle it anymore. He didn’t want to, he didn’t want to suffer. It was so tiring. And yet no matter how much he slept, the exhaustion did not slip free from his bones. So he lies there, with his memories and his pain. Waiting for the day he faded away.
The quiet is suddenly broken by a distant knocking. Edward doesn’t move, and he doesn’t call out. He had no visitors planned, and he wasn’t in the mood for unwelcome company. But it’s clear whoever’s on the other side of the door doesn’t care as they open it anyway. It should have scared him; he’d locked it after all, but Edward doesn’t have the energy to care.
“Edward?”
It’s as if someone had dumped a bucket of ice atop him when that familiar voice drifted up the stairs. And Edward wasn’t entirely sure he wasn’t hallucinating. Because there was no way Jonathan had come back to him, it just didn’t seem possible. He doesn’t realise he’s moving until he feels the blanket slip off of his body. The cold air brushing against his skin. And he listens, waiting for any sign that he hadn’t fallen further into his head. That this wasn’t all in his imagination.
“Edward? You there?”
There it was again. His body stands without him telling it to, his legs shaky from disuse. There are footsteps coming up the stairs. The sharp clink of the metal ticking out the small amount of time he had left before Jonathan found him. Why had he come back? He had had no problem leaving him before. Why the fuck was he back? He wipes a hand across his face, trying to hide any traces of tears or sleep. He doesn’t have time to do much else before Jonathan rounds up the corner, finding where Edward had been rotting for the past week. He freezes on the spot when he notices him, frowning.
“Christ Edward, you look like shit. What happened?”
Jonathan isn’t in his costume, and calm blue eyes stare into him with concern. It leaves him feeling heavy. As if, for the first time in so long, he was aware of his body again. And he hated it. He hated it so much. The scratch of his clothes, the layers of grime and sweat. The hunger and exhaustion. It makes him sick to his stomach. He wanted to go back, to the nothing, the cold. Because nothing at all was better than feeling the heavy weight of guilt on his chest as he tried to hold himself together. He clenches his fists at his side, his eyes burning with tears.
“Something's wrong with me. My brain won’t stop. I can’t, Jonathan- I can’t-“ He keeps gasping, cutting himself off before he can finish what he means to say.
He falls to his knees, his head in his hands as he struggles to breathe. Without the weight of depression on his chest, he’s suddenly free to feel just how weak his body had grown. The way his mind can keep a hold of a thought for more than a few seconds. He is drowning; he was always drowning. But he no longer had the energy to pull himself up to the surface. That’s what this had all been about, hadn’t it? The failures, the loss. Piling up until he couldn’t move under the pressure of it all. Edward strived to be perfect, but he never was. He never could be, no matter how hard he tried to. And day by day, that had been chipping away at him until he was reduced to this. A pathetic mess, begging for a second chance from someone who had already abandoned him. He should have made Jonathan leave again, like he had last time. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t handle being alone again.
He nearly flinches when he feels thin arms wrap around his waist, drawing him forward. They wrap around him, tugging him into a hug.
“It’s alright, I’m here now.”
He lets out a shaky gasp, burying his face into the sharp angles of Jonathan’s chest. He can feel ribs digging into his cheeks, but he doesn’t care. Because Jonathan is here, and he is so warm. And Edward is freezing. He clings to his partner with such desperation that it must have hurt. But Jonathan doesn’t push him away; he just holds him close. A hand comes up to brush through his hair, bringing his face even closer to the warm skin below. It’s a comfort that’s familiar to him. A position he’d been in so many times before. Yet never imagined he’d have again. He feels frantic, but it’s not as overwhelming before.
“I’m sorry, Edward. I shouldn’t have left you.”
His breathing turns from shallow gasps to something more controlled. He’s still not thinking clearly, not truly. But it’s better. There’s a quiet that Jonatha brings with him. That makes it easier to think. This closeness was one he had rarely allowed to others in the past, and it had been so long since he had time with his partner that he didn’t realise just how desperately he needed it. The lull, the peace. It allows him to reflect on when they had spoken last. When he had kicked Jonathan to the curb without second thought, it wasn’t even the first time he had done something like that, yet a part of him still felt guilty. He always felt guilty. And with the guilt came the bitter, vile in the back of his throat. And the emotions he had forced their way back down.
Because how could he take this? Him, this broken, rotten thing, clinging onto anyone who shows him the slightest hint of comfort. How… How? He truly didn’t know, and it terrified him. Maybe he knew in the past. He had so much confidence back then. But now he had nothing. He knows nothing. He doesn’t let go, but he doesn’t want Jonathan to focus on him right now. Didn’t want to acknowledge everything in his head. So he lets his mind roam free, just for a second. And he spits out the first thing that comes to mind.
“You said you had a plan.” He says hesitantly. “Last time we spoke.”
“Yes.”
“Will it work?”
Jonathan pulls back, observing him for a second. He’s still not used to the scared features of Jonathan’s face, but they are slowly growing more familiar to him. And it’s easier for him to pick out emotions. And right now, all Edward can find is a sickening and manic glee. One that he had never seen Jonathan express before. It sends a shiver down his spine when his partner smiles at him and says.
“Yes.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Trust me, Edward, this has been something I’ve been working on for a very long time. We won’t fail this time, it’s foolproof. We are going to watch that vermin break, we are going to make him pay for everything he did to us.”
He pauses, hesitating in his answer. Could he really trust himself right now? Did he have the room to lose himself in another project? Could he pull himself back from the depths this time? Maybe he didn’t care at all, or maybe he was just too numb with depression to care in the moment. But he finds himself pulling back from Jonathan to say.
“I want in.”