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Bruce was familiar with the dark. It had been with him for most of his life. Clinging onto him with a comfortable weight that he found difficult to leave behind. For while it may drag him down, pull him into an empty embrace and leave him void of everything. That numbness was what kept him going. What made seeing the discarded bodies of children, of innocent men and women just a little bit easier. If didn’t allow himself the energy to feel then Batman could be better. He could stop it from happening again. No matter what happened to him. Batman was a symbol. He was perfect. Which meant Bruce had to be perfect as well. He couldn’t afford to rest, or even to be tired. He had to keep pushing keep giving everything that he had and even more than that. It had gotten more manageable over time. With the Robins and other allies that found him. But he needed to keep himself sharp. It was easy to lose everything. One day they could decide to move on to a better life, leave him behind. They deserved to rid themselves of this life of secrecy and pain. But Batman would stay. No matter what. He was born in this city and one day it would consume him. The only traces of him, a scattered legacy. A playboy billionaire and a mysterious vigilante. Nobody would know it was him. One of the others would take up his mantle. Become Batman. He grieved for whoever would be given this burden.
A knock on his door shook him out of his thoughts. The door opened with a small creak and Alfred poked his head round the back of the door. A small frown on his face.
“Is everything alright Alfred?” He asked curtly. A polite mask of indifference as he pointedly ignored the way Alfred gave him a glance over. Checking for any reason he had been in his study all day.
“The Bat symbol has been lit sir. Looks like Batman will be needed at the GCPD tonight”
Glancing down at his watch he found himself shocked to see that it was almost time for him to start patrols. Just how long had been staring into nothing.
“Thank you, Alfred. I’ll be downstairs in just a moment”
Waiting until the door shut fully, he slammed his head down onto the desk with little flourish. What little energy he had instantly leaving his body. The hollow feeling that he had been trying so desperately to ignore began to wrap around him. Filling him with an exhaustion he was far too familiar with. It was going to be a long night.
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Something was wrong. Gordon had been in this line of work long enough to small changes in the people around them. He knew the warning signs to look out for, knew when to intervene, But when you had as little to work as you did when it comes to Batman. It became difficult to pick out the exact cause. Was that tight frown because he had just looked at a particularly gruesome murder scene or because he was trying to figure out who killed the victim? Was the rasp in voice because he was ill or because someone had managed to hit him with some sort of gas? The vigilante was a puzzle that Gordon was missing too many pieces to solve. An unknown identity and a very unsocial personality. With each conversation leaving Gordon more confused than the last.. Sometimes he felt like it would be easier to get answers out of the joker than it would be to get them from the bat. So that’s why he was stuck here having the world’s most awkward conversation as he tried as subtly as possible to figure out just what was wrong with him. His shoulders were more slumped than usual. His answers seemed vague, almost distant. Like he wasn’t fully in the conversation. Fear toxin maybe? But Scarecrow was still in Arkham. He had been put there only three days ago. Gordon was certain of it. He wished that Batman still wore that old mask, so he could look at his eyes. In the older days of their partnership, he found that even if his mouth gave away nothing. Those baby blue eyes would shine with a passion he had never known possible. He had watched as that passion dulled over the years until eventually it was tucked away behind blinding white eye pieces. Hiding away even more of the man behind the bat.
“Something on your mind commissioner?” The dark rumbling voice broke him out of his thoughts, and he could do little more than hum in reply. “You were staring”
“Sorry, must have got lost in thought,” He said with a small smile, actually looking at the vigilante now instead of staring in his general direction.
“Looks like we’re both struggling to focus tonight”
“Something bothering you too?” He said quickly. Grabbing at the opportunity to find out what was wrong.
Batman hesitated, looking away from Gordon and moving back up onto the roof ledge. Part of Gordon worried that the vigilante was just going to leave without answering him but soon enough the other man spoke up.
“Have you ever felt like what we do is pointless? Like it’s all for nothing?”
Gordon hadn’t been expecting that. He knew Batman could be a bit of a pessimist but for him to make such a bold statement like that only made Gordon’s concern triple in size. Alarm bells rang in his mind and he was almost tempted to reach out and pull the vigilante away from the roof ledge he was kneeling on. Almost. While Batman seemed to trust him, that would definitely be crossing a boundary in their strange somewhat teacher and student relationship between the two of them. The bat came to him for advice, guidance. And maybe even this was a silent request for help. But Gordon didn’t know how to help. Because he did feel those things. Every time Joker escaped he found himself wondering just why he still worked at the GCPD. Every time Scarecrow gassed the city or Penguin started up another gun trade he found himself desperate to turn in his badge and just go home to his family. But those feelings always passed. When he saw the smile on a child’s face when they were reunited with their parents. To see the way the citizens stood up for their city. It would always bring him hope for the future.
“Sometimes. But i-“
Obviously, he had spent too long pondering the question as he looked up to answer the vigilante he found the rooftop to be empty. No sign of the bat to be found. Fuck. It had barely been 30 seconds and he’d already vanished. Disappearing into nothing. He hated it when he did that. The question lingered in his mind for the rest of his night. Gordon pondering how to bring it up the next time the bat came to him. But the next time he lit the signal. It wasn’t batman that appeared but robin and red hood.
Gordon really hoped the lingering feeling of dread that held onto him that night didn’t hold any actual meaning.