Chapter Text
She sat there, alone in the darkness, arms wrapped tightly around her legs and uncontrollable tears blurring her vision in the already blindingly dim lighting. Her mind, like a storm, ruthlessly pummeled her with thoughts, some scared, some angry, some depressed, but almost all of them aimed at blaming the same target for her situation: herself.
It was the result of her hope coming crumbling down like the final brick wall of a building undergoing demolition being hit with the wrecking ball, and the bricks tumbling down in every direction until the wall was completely gone, turned into a useless pile of debris.
Escape wasn’t an option.
How could she even be so stupid to think it was? Nothing about this place made any sense anyways; of course there wasn’t an escape. She wanted to wallow in her despair, to just let herself cry and allow the thoughts to take complete control. She wanted to react the way any normal person would in this abnormal situation. Something wasn’t right. She felt depressed, hopeless, terrified, but something in her mind prevented her from giving in to the thoughts entirely. A voice inside her she couldn’t ignore, attempting to muffle every other thought in her mind. And it did, to an extent. Despite how overwhelming the other emotions she felt were, an even louder, more potent one emerged from this thought that she couldn’t identify. It didn’t make her feel good at all, but it didn’t feel like her other emotions, either. It felt peaceful, but not in a positive way. Peace? How could she even entertain the idea of feeling at peace right now, was she sick in the head? What kind of psychopathic, sadistic human being could possibly feel at peace in this situation? What was wrong with her? But, in reality, was it really the end of the world if she was a psychopath? The voice offered that horrible thought, as if trying to comfort her in a twisted sort of way. Peace was the wrong word for it. Caine said that he couldn’t mess with the humans’ minds, but maybe that was a lie, and he has messed with hers when she entered the circus? The feeling continued to wrestle back and forth with the flood of despair in her head, like the flood was trying so hard to drown it yet it continued to stay afloat. Why was she feeling this way? She shouldn’t be. She deserved to drown in guilt for feeling this way. She deserved the pain. But was it even that painful to begin with? Was this all just her being melodramatic? No, of course she wasn’t, she was literally being held hostage in a mysterious digital world with no means of escape. Was that even that horrible? Definitely, she was sick for even thinking that maybe it wasn’t. She had people back in the real world that had to have been worried sick, probably putting their entire lives on hold to search for her. Her mother must have been so stressed. Right? Maybe she didn’t really care, just like Ragatha didn’t. No, Ragatha did care, she loved her mother no matter how much she ever hurt her. Right? Did she love anyone? Did she really care? About anything?
“Ragatha?” She heard the purple-robed chesspiece’s distinct voice, strange yet also somewhat soothing in a way, from around the corner, quickly turning her head in fear before recognizing the voice’s owner. She quickly dried her own tears and perked up her head as a figure that resembled Kinger
came into view from behind the large block she was leaning on.
How had she not heard him approaching earlier? The circus was undoubtedly quiet enough to hear a tiny pin drop, so she definitely would’ve heard his footsteps. Or, chess-steps, or whatever it’d be called in his case.
“What are you doing out here?” Kinger gently asked her, now standing over her from the side he had approached her. Despite how hard it was to see, she was able to make out some of his features, with his bulging spherical eyes being the most obvious of them even in the darkness.
Ragatha didn’t know what to say. She really didn’t know the answer to his question, either.
So she just smiled and stayed silent for a moment, tears beginning to well up in her eyes once again.
“I don’t really know,” She spoke up after a few long seconds of silence, her voice choked up from crying.
More silence.
“Being here long enough makes you realize something. It’s okay not to know everything about yourself, and a lot of us really don’t know ourselves as well as you’d think. Just as long as you know yourself enough to be able to enjoy, well, being you.“ He sat down on the floor next to Ragatha.
It’s as if Kinger had read her mind.
The silence returned for a few moments, before Ragatha found the words to speak up again.
“Thanks, Kinger. You’re right,” She started, finally gaining control over her tears. “I really don’t know myself as well as I thought I did. I guess that’s what’s funny about this place, huh?” A weak laugh escaped her lips alongside her words. “Sorry, I really don’t know what I was trying to say. Just wanted to lighten the mood a little, I guess.” She smiled wistfully, shifting her gaze back out towards the dark, empty circus.
“It’s okay to feel this way right now. No need to feel like you have to lighten the mood.” Ragatha felt a hand on her shoulder, and she looked over to find what looked like a concerned yet gentle expression on Kinger’s face from what she was able to see of it. “I know you’re confused and hurt right now, Ragatha. But I just wanted to tell you how much your spirit today had an impact on me. The way you refused to give in to the negatives no matter what came your way, even in such a strange, overwhelming situation—I’ve never seen anyone with a stronger spirit than what I saw in you today. Your positivity, drive, and care for others are truly admirable, and I hope that’s something you do know about yourself, Ragatha,”
The urge to start crying again prickles the back of her throat sharply, with tears threatening to build up in her eyes once more.
“But is that really who I am? There’s no escape to this place; now I know that. I was just trying to run away from the truth that whole time. I was being stupid to try to convince myself of a lie, I—“ She was interrupted by Kinger before she could continue.
“Don’t discredit yourself. Especially in a place like this, optimism is important. You weren’t being stupid, you were just trying to make the best of the situation you were put into, which is sometimes the best thing you can really do. I can sense you have a strong heart and caring soul, Ragatha, I truly do mean that.”
His words seemed to have a healing effect on her, and for the first time since she had arrived at the circus, a genuine smile appeared on her face. Maybe he had only said that to make her feel better, or maybe he truly did mean it, but either way, Ragatha took what he said to heart. It was like a puzzle piece that had been missing in her mind finally being put in its place to complete her psychic puzzle. What Kinger told her was exactly what she needed to hear in that moment, even if she didn’t understand why, and even if she didn’t fully believe it was true.
Choking on her own teary sobs, the ragdoll wrapped her arms tightly around the chesspiece, a plethora of emotions continuing to run through her mind except the despair and strange unsteadiness she had felt earlier had both temporarily weakened into what felt like practically nothing in the moment.
“Thank you, Kinger.”
Ragatha lie sprawled out in her bed staring blankly at the ceiling as she reminisces. There’s a dull, throbbing ache in her head, and her entire body feels as though it’s sinking into her bed the way one would sink into quicksand, but she knows it must be about time for her to finally get up for the day. She sits herself up, causing her vision to turn into a blurry cascade of color and static as her head feels light and dizzy, almost as if it had not yet processed that it had left her pillow. The sensation startles her, almost causing her to fall back again. She sits there until it passes, and then forces herself up onto her feet, the heaviness still hanging over her body. Still not entirely alert, she clumsily bumps her hip on the side of her bed frame while stumbling over to the oversized mirror on her wall, annoyingly placed in a corner where she had to first walk around her bed and closet (if you could call it that; there was nothing actually inside) to access it.
Her reflection.
Even if she doesn’t particularly like what her avatar represents about herself, she does enjoy its design. She appreciates the indigo bow in her hair, finding it cute, and the plump red locs of hair she’s been given. Her button eye, though sometimes a nuisance, is unique and stylish, she thinks. She even likes the way her cutesy dress fits her ragdoll character, and how it raises when she spins, almost like that of a princess. She smiles at herself in the mirror, taking a moment to appreciate her avatar while trying to ignore how fatigued her body feels. After all, the best thing she can do is think positively, rather than allowing all the negativity brought about by this place to consume her. She knows what happens to people who let that happen. Even if she’s just telling herself lies to aid her spirit, it’s all she can do here to protect herself—and the others—from the horrors of reality in their situation.
Why bother? She knows these horrors as well as any of the circus members, so why even care about being positive anymore? Why even try?
That strange voice of emotion, the one she’s been battling ever since she arrived here, whispers aggressively into her mind once again.
Stop it, why would she even think that? What a horrible thing to think! Of course she needs to stay positive—it’s the only thing she can really do to help, and she wants to be the one to take on that burden. She wants to help, she wants to help not just herself but everyone.
Someone gently knocks on her door, causing her heart (if she has one; it feels like she does) to skip a beat.
“Ragatha? Is everything okay?” she hears the small jester’s voice from outside her door, her voice clearly nervous and slightly higher than usual.
Ragatha quickly adjusts her bow in the mirror and leaps over to the door, hoping Pomni wouldn’t be able to tell she had just gotten up.
She swings it open to reveal exactly who she had expected, with a slightly relieved smile now on her face.
“Pomni! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you worry! I just slept in a little today by accident, that’s all!” Ragatha laughs nervously. “Did I miss anything this morning?”
“Not really, everyone’s just hanging around out there right now. I just wanted to make sure you were okay, since, you know, you weren’t out there yet and all.” Pomni’s eyes glance away from Ragatha a few times as she speaks, a behavior typical of the jester when she had first entered the circus but much less usual now that she had mostly adjusted.
“Oh, well…thank you, Pomni! That’s really sweet of you! I really appreciate you checking in on me, you totally didn’t have to do that!” Ragatha smiles even larger, before a particularly painful throb in her head reminds her why it took her body so long to get out of bed in the first place. She winces slightly, though she doesn’t think Pomni notices.
“Yeah, it’s nothing, really,” the jester looks as though she might say something else for a moment, starting to reopen her mouth, but quickly bows her head slightly to let Ragatha know she’s done speaking. Ragatha secretly hopes she’ll end the conversation so she has an excuse to take a few more minutes to recollect herself in her room before coming out, but Pomni continues to stand there, looking up at the ragdoll as if eagerly awaiting her answer.
After a few very long moments of silence caught between the awkward smiles of both characters, Ragatha decides to give up.
“Well, let’s get back to the group, then! I wonder what kind of adventure Caine has in store for us today…” with a jolly stride, she steps away from the door frame and pushes it shut, landing behind Pomni in the hallway. She notices Pomni’s failure to move, causing Ragatha to look back at her. “You ready, Pomni?” she asks gently, wanting to be sure
she gives Pomni the chance to speak if she has anything else she still wants to say.
“Oh, yeah,” the jester turns towards the main area of the circus and begins walking towards it, with Ragatha quickly following suit.
It makes Ragatha extremely glad to see Pomni caring about her, going out of her way to actually check up on her. Even if genuine care isn’t the only reason for Pomni’s concern, it’s still comforting to the ragdoll, knowing that the jester hasn’t given up on her yet.
A light, grainy static noise fills Ragatha’s head as she walks towards the circus lobby, rendering it difficult for her to formulate any coherent thoughts, but she finds a strange sort of peace in this, as if the noise were the sound of her negative thoughts drowning somewhere distant in the endless digital sea of her mind.