Chapter Text
Annoyance had been needling at Kaji all day. It wasn't directed at anyone really, except perhaps himself. But unfortunately he was never good at keeping his emotions from affecting how he acted and he was mildly aware he was being an extra jerk to everyone around him. Sparring had been an easy out, but when he'd started to get a little too intense, Hiragi had brought an end to the bout and sent him to cool down.
Sakura's vice captain, the honey blonde boy, seemed to enter his bubble almost immediately, not quite opening any form of communication with him, but hovering. His presence alone pissed Kaji off and he didn't understand why. He knew better than to make it the other boy's problem, so it was best he leave the situation. He made to leave the gym, but Nirei darted in front of him, trying to pull him into some incessant small talk that Kaji could not care less about.
"Nirei," he bit out warningly, voice probably loud over the sound of his music.
The other flinched, Kaji wasn't sure if it was from his tone or noise level, but he didn't much care at the moment. He wanted out. He wanted to hit something or someone and he'd rather it be someone that deserved it.
"Sorry, Kaji-san…I can't let you leave the gym!" the boy said firmly.
Kaji's eyes narrowed. "What do you —"
"Kaji!"
Sakura's voice rang across the gym, loud enough that it cut through his music and had him looking past Nirei's shoulder at the monochrome haired boy. Nirei also turned, looking confused but relieved.
"Sakura-san, you're back….oh! Kusumi-san, you too?"
Kaji blinked, looking beyond Sakura at the form hesitating a few steps behind him. Kusumi was wearing one of his familiar sweaters, longer sleeves that went a little past his wrist. Kusumi liked to use them to cover his mouth when he laughed, liked to let Kaji hold the soft edges when he needed to calm himself down. He swallowed. Kusumi had his arms wrapped tight around himself, looking around at his fellow classmates nervously like they were going to snap at him at any second.
A few had heard Sakura's yell and lifted their heads to see what was going on, regarding Kusumi with some mild interest before being pulled back to whatever training they were doing. No one else seemed to keep their interest on the boys at the edge of the gym — except perhaps Hiragi but Kaji noticed he was pretending to look away at least.
Kaji met Sakura halfway, trying to summon up a glare. What kind of meddling had the first year done this time?
"Sakura…" he growled.
Sakura seemed completely unfazed, pointing over his shoulder with his thumb. "Go talk to him."
It wasn't a request.
Kaji opened his mouth to snap and growl something about how Sakura needed to mind his own business but Kusumi's body turned towards him, his gaze obviously catching Kaji's behind his bangs. The blonde swallowed. No use snapping at Sakura who was only trying to help, he would've wanted to do the same, wouldn't he? He sighed, vehemently rubbing the back of his hair.
"Ugh…damnit…" He pressed passed Sakura, pulling his headphones down to his collar. "Thanks…" he muttered as he passed, moving towards Kusumi.
Kusumi seemed to shrink back uncharacteristically when he approached, Kaji noticing how the other boy's fingers clutched tighter to his arms. His head dropped, the boy looking at the floor and not Kaji.
"Can we go outside?" Kaji asked, "It's too loud in here."
Really he was more worried that there were way too many eyes and ears. He didn't need everyone in his business and he assumed Kusumi was the same. Kusumi nodded, turning and leading Kaji towards the door. The blonde took the chance to turn his music off and find a lollipop to shove in his mouth. He wasn't too worried about saying something stupid to Kusumi, but he could never be too careful.
Outside, Kusumi led them to the right, following the wall to where it turned into a corner and sitting down. Kaji hesitated before sitting down to Kusumi's left. He tried to keep a fair amount of space between them so it didn't feel like he was crowding the other, but he knew it was easier to be close so Kusumi could show him his messages.
The boy immediately went back to holding himself, shaking almost imperceptibly. Kaji wasn't sure how to begin the conversation and he doubted Kusumi was going to start it himself. They sat in complete silence for several moments, only interrupted by the birds in the trees nearby. Finally, Kaji felt the tension inside him about to snap and he had no choice. Even if it was just words cascading incoherently out of his mouth, he couldn't stay silent.
"I'm not going to tell anyone if you don't want me to. I can pretend I don't know and you can tell me again yourself when you feel like it. It's not a—"
Kaji startled as Kusumi's phone pressed against his shoulder. He hadn't realized he'd shut his eyes and blocked out the boy's typing. He looked at the message Kusumi had typed up.
"It's okay. I do want you to know. I was just scared that you wouldn't accept me."
Kaji blinked. Scared? For a moment he couldn't wrap his mind around how he could ever make Kusumi worry that he wouldn't accept him, that he would ever question anything about Kusumi. But then he realized how foolish it was to protest, after all hadn't he at one point refused to give Kusumi the benefit of the doubt? He sighed, idly playing with the dirt on the sidewalk.
"I don't know you as anyone but yourself, Kusumi. If being 'you' means you happen to have different parts starting out, I don't see how it makes any difference. You are who you are and…"
He trailed off. He didn't say 'I love you'. He wanted to.
Beside him, he felt more than heard Kusumi breathe a sigh of relief. Kaji looked up at the sky, mostly clear except a few wisps of clouds here and there. It was really peaceful today actually, and maybe it gave him a little bit of hope that this all would be okay in the end. He felt the other boy touch his arm again, the phone in his vision.
"I'm sorry I kissed you."
Kaji felt the ground spin under him, teeth tightening around his lollipop. Of course he'd be sorry, of course he'd regret it when he could remember, of course…Kaji swallowed, trying to blink to calm his mind and pretending there wasn't moisture welling up in his eyes.
"It's okay. I wanted you to."
Wait…Kaji felt the spinning world come to a sudden, violent stop, feeling as if he had crashed straight into a brick wall without thinking. Emphasis on the "without thinking". He hadn't meant to say that, not out loud. His fingers toyed with the lollipop stick. Fat lot of good it had done to keep his mouth busy. Damnit…
Kusumi had come to a standstill beside him as well, practically hesitating to breathe. Oh he hated himself right now…Kaji dug his teeth into his tongue. He wanted to be sucked into a hole, right now, before he made things even worse.
Finally the accusing phone pressed into his hand.
Why did you push me away then??? (・・;)ゞ
Kaji nudged the phone back before running a hand through his hair again, mussing it roughly. He hated this mess, he felt like he needed to spontaneously combust and the blush on his cheeks was so warm it felt like he was combusting already. He wasn't sure if he could really explain himself and worse he wasn't sure the explanation would make Kusumi feel any better. He sighed.
"It felt…wrong. You weren't in your right mind. It felt a little like I'd be taking advantage of you if I let it happen."
He tried to shrug, make it seem like it hadn't bothered him. That it was simple. That fighting the demon of his own desires in that moment hadn't made him question his own sanity and morality. If he hadn't wanted that attention from Kusumi, then maybe it wouldn't have been so hard, maybe it wouldn't have felt so wrong.
Kusumi's hand wrapped gently around his forearm. Kaji wasn't wearing his hoodie or his school jacket, having taken both off to spar, so the boy's fingers were cool against his warmer skin. He blinked at the other boy with curiosity at the gesture. Kusumi's bangs had parted and he could see him staring at him with a turmoil of emotions — realization, shock and…
Kaji dropped his gaze to his lap, feeling his stomach twisting uncomfortable. He wondered if this was what Hiragi dealt with all of the time.
"Please, don't cry again," he whispered, "I don't want to make you cry anymore."
Kusumi's grip tightened, and Kaji noticed that the boy was shaking. He rolled his lollipop across his tongue, looking up hesitantly at Kusumi again. The boy wasn't looking at him, eyes fixed ahead, watching something with eyes that seemed so distant, as if he wasn't truly looking at anything.
"Kusumi…" he nudged gently.
"I…"
Kaji startled at the syllables, the sound of Kusumi's unused voice breaking the quiet air. If he hadn't been looking at the other's lips to see them move, he would've thought someone had walked up on them. Kusumi swallowed, lips trembling and his grip grew ever tighter.
"…like you…" Kusumi's voice was halting and soft, barely above a whisper. "A lot."
Hearing the other boy's voice for the first time was so shocking on its own that it took several moments for Kaji to catch up to what had been said. I like you. A lot.
The world went back to spinning wildly, Kaji's voice catching in his throat, heart beat threatening to deafen him.
"You…like me?" Kaji felt stupid repeating what Kusumi had already said, like an echo chamber. But the idea was almost too impossible for him to rationalize. It couldn't be real or true; it was everything he ever wanted — he wasn't allowed that luxury.
Kusumi looked at him, trying to press his trembling lips firmly together as he nodded. Kaji stared back. Why was Kusumi looking at him like that? Like he…Oh…he really meant it. Kaji felt the burn of his blush flaring like a roaring ember and he looked away, clearing his throat.
He used his free hand to pull the lollipop from between his lips. "I like you too, Kusumi."
He twirled the lollipop idly, staring at it. "…I love you actually. I'm not going to pretend that it's not that intense for me. It's just that…with Kuroda and honestly just everything, I couldn't…" Kaji sighed, leaning his head back against the brick wall. "I couldn't believe for a second you could love me back."
Kusumi's grip had softened, his thumb making reassuring movements back and forth against his skin. Kaji couldn't help but remember how he'd done the exact same thing previously. It really was grounding, holding him in the present, tying him to the moment at hand, calming him and all of his fears.
The phone was presented once more and Kaji noted that Kusumi still didn't feel like talking in long sentences, but decided now wasn't the time to broach that point. Maybe another day he'd understand it better, but perhaps it still meant something to have Kusumi fight through his anxiety to tell him out loud how much he cared.
"I can and I do! (✿◠‿◠) I've liked you for a long time. I was just afraid you would never share my feelings either.
Kaji chuckled warmly, the boy placing the lollipop back into his mouth. All this time…What a mess…
"What a mess we are," he snorted, saying exactly what he was thinking, "And a first year had to help us fix our nonsense too."
Kusumi laughed softly beside him, covering his mouth with his free hand. He typed a quick message and showed it.
"We'll never live it down."
A full, genuine smile stretched on Kaji's lips and he pressed a little closer to Kusumi. The boy beside him leaned over, laying his head against Kaji's shoulder. It wasn't really a gesture that was uncharacteristic between them, but it felt different now. Kaji felt a soft warmth blooming in his chest. The honest perception of being known, of being loved.
Kaji didn't know why he asked what he did next, didn't know what made him so brave. But he couldn't stop himself at this point.
"Kusumi, do you want to be my boyfriend?"
He felt Kusumi's lips move against his shoulder and he couldn't imagine anything but a smile on his face. "Yes…I do."
Kaji nodded, gently turning his wrist in Kusumi's grip so that his palm was upturned and he was lacing their fingers together instead. With his other hand he touched Kusumi's chin, lifting the boy up to face him. He moved his hand away but Kusumi remained in place, watching him curiously. Kaji removed his lollipop and leaned forward, pressing his lips to Kusumi's. The kiss was short and sweet, Kaji pulling away nervously almost as soon as their lips met.
He shoved the lollipop back between his teeth as his blush threatened to burn him alive, wanting to look away as much as he wanted to see Kusumi's reaction. The other boy laughed sweetly in a way Kaji had never heard before, then leaned up to press an equally soft kiss to Kaji's warming cheek.
"Love you, Ren," the boy whispered against his ear, like it was a secret for just the two of them.
Kaji squeezed the other boy's hand as Kusumi settled back against his shoulder. The birds had gone back to their chirping and the clouds trailed in the sky. The breeze mussed their hair, Kusumi's tickling Kaji's jaw. Kaji idly hoped this peace would last, if only for a few more moments.
How could he ever believe he deserved to be alone?
Love felt so warm.