Chapter Text
As expected, that position did hurt when you woke the next morning. Kaz nowhere to be found. He never stayed long, if he stayed at all. It made you wonder if he even stayed the night, like you silently asked.
That was one thing you were both bad at – asking the other for things. He was bad at asking anybody for anything other than when it came to a mission, but you were bad at asking him for attention. You knew it would take years for him to even be open to the idea of touching you, let alone anything intimate. You didn't want sexual intimacy, though. Intimacy in itself was a beautiful thing that everyone should get a taste of at some point in their life – the comfort of being close to the person you love, the knowing idea that even though they know the worst, most horrid things about you, they still stayed.
All you thinking got you carried away and you hadn't realized the time. Usually, Kaz did debriefings at 10am, everyday after a mission. It 9:40. Quickly throwing your comforter off your body, you scramble over to your desk. You pause. A note from Kaz. It read,
Hi dove,
Don't worry about the debrief in the morning, I'm canceling. We'll have it tomorrow. Going out on the town today. I'll be back before dusk – Don't have too much fun without me. Be safe. I need my investments alive.
- Kaz
Probably the nicest thing he's ever written. And now that you didn't have to worry about the debrief, you sighed and settled back into bed, pulling the blankets over your shoulder. Letting sleep consume you before your thoughts did, you snuggled into the blankets. They smelt vaugly like Kaz – leather, cologne, and money. That was his scent, you had learnt.
A loud bang woke you a few hours later. Checking your watch tiredly, you saw it was noon. You sighed and rubbed your eyes. Time to wake up, apparently. You cursed the soul that woke you, for you had never had such peaceful sleep.
Pulling yourself from your bed once again, you made your way to your wardrobe. Stripping slowly from your nightclothes, your fingers brushed the scars lacing your body. Some on purpose, some from heists. You grabbed a pair of dark brown pants with a stolen black chain belt. Putting those on, you lazily grabbed a random shirt. It was black. Apparently today had a theme. You pulled it over your head and continued on with your morning routine. Washroom things, weapons cleaning, then shoes.
Begrudgingly, you took the first steps out of your room, into the musky air of the club. It wasn't musky from the smell of sex or even cause Kaz wasn't clean. The exact opposite, actually. He hated skin exchange, and was the most clean thief in all of Ketterdam. It was musty with tension and smoke. You knew something must have happened.
Sighing, you hold the railing as you make your way downstairs, the pain in your back almost unbearable as you take your final step down to the main floor. Inej and Nina were whispering not so quietly about some explosion that happened earlier. Quickly, you clocked Wyaln as the culprit. He wad standing awkwardly in the corner as Jesper paced a few feet infront of the boy. Making your way to Nina and Inej, you ask, "what the hell could've happened to gave Jesper pacing like that?" and are met with worried stares. "what?" you ask after a few minutes of silence. Inej sighs and pulls you away from Nina, "Wylan and Jesper were caught doing some... things down in Wyans explosives room," she pauses and scans the room, "Kaz caught them." she finished. You have to resist a laugh. Kaz Brekker caught his sharpshooter and explosives expert in the act. That was comical. "What'd he do about it?" you ask. Inej shrugs, "ive never seen him walk faster" she laughs a little as she spoke. "Is he here?" you ask, hands going to your back pockets as you spoke. She shrugs.
You sigh and thank her, turning back to the bar. Sighing you walk over to get a drink. You knew it was a bad idea – alcohol always made you think too hard and cry. Well, the first drink or two didn't, if it wasn't dark liquor, but this time, you went with dark liquor. Whiskey, specifically. Kaz had put you on it when you first got to the Crow Club years ago. It was a core memory of him.
˚ ✦ . . ˚ .
"Kaz what're you on about!?" you laugh, turning to face him fully, "dark liquor sucks, nobody likes it" you say. Jesper had sparked the argument of, 'which was better, dark or light drinks', and of course you had a say, already being 3 drinks deep. Usually you had a 3 drink rule, but it was after your first mission, so it didn't matter much. Kaz shrugs slight, shifting his cane between his legs, "darks better than light." he says. "Why?" you ask, leaning your elbow on the bar, forcing him to look at you. "Stronger taste." Kaz says, turning to face you as well. "Only cause of the congeners!" you whine. He shrugs, "still right." he says. You groan, "buuuuuut they give a worse hangovers" you slur, smiling a little. Kaz's eyes scan your face. Of course they gave worse hangovers, he wasn't stupid, but he wouldn't mention it.
His eyes scanned your face for a moment, suddenly feeling a slight boost in courage. He picks a hand up and signals to the bartender. Almost instantly, there were two glasses of whiskey infront of you both. "Try some" he says, nudging the glass closer with his wrist. You stare at his icy eyes for a moment, "ill try dark if you try light." you smile. He shrugs and nods. You turn to the bartender like a giddy child and order a shot of strate vodka. Kaz makes a slight face at the choice, but he complies. Taking the shot glass, he waits for you to grab the whiskey. Giggling, you lift the glass to your mouth, both of you taking a drink at the same time. Kaz's face scrunches up and he instantly chases the shot with a drink of whiskey. You smile, letting the taste of whiskey coat your tongue. "Not horrible, Brekker" you slur. He shakes his head, "would say likewise, but that was horrid" he murmurs. You laugh a little and nudge his forearm, "can't be that bad" you shrug. He pulls his arm away and turns back to the bar, staying quiet. You turn back as well, giggling and smiling to yourself. ✦ . . ˚ .
It was now 2pm and you had finished two glasses of whiskey when Jesper came up beside you. He put a hand on your back as he sat next to you, "shots? I'll pay" he smiles. Of course he asked you to do shots, you were the only crow actively drinking. You knew it was a bad idea, already being two drinks deep. Shrugging, you nod. "You choose" you smile a bit. He nods and orders, giving the barkeep some Kruge. Jesper smiles at you, "so, what's going on between you and Kaz?" He asks, giving you a sly look. Laughing, you shake your head, "nothing, Jes, it's nothing at all" you reply. "We'll see about that" he says, mainly to himself. The barkeep sets the shots down and walks away. You look over to Jesper, each taking your respectful glass. "Cheers" he smiled as you down your shots.
You don't know how much time had passed or how many drinks you had, but you ended up in a booth, head on Jespers lap while Nina and Matthias sat opposite of you. "What is it with your and boss?" Jesper asks for the 3 time this hour. You sigh and throw your hands up, "idontknowjesyoutellme" you slur. He looks down at you, eyebrows raised, "what?" he laughs. "I don't know" you exclaim in defeat. Jesper pats your shoulder. "Well, do you like him?" Nina asks from across the table. You half shrug but get flustered and sink yourself lower, out of view from the heartrender. "I think that's a yes" he laughs. You groan and he laces a hand through your hair. "I do like him, but he definitely doesn't like me back!" you whine, "who couldn't like him, actually. he's nice, and rather charming for being a man of crime, and he's a really good looking guy!" you groan and roll back onto jespers lap, head on his thighs again. "She has a point, Jes" Nina agrees. Jesper throws his hands up, "I never said she didn't, i agree fully." he smiles. Nina gives him a look, but he just smiles. "He's just so nice to me and he does everything to protect us" you chime in. Jespers hand finds your hair again in a silent agreement. "And I'd be lying if i said that wasn't hot, the way he cares, i mean. He would do anything for us," Jesper snorts out a laugh, "He'd do anything for you, darling."
"Actually, he got me out of Hellgate, so he may do anything for all of us" Matthias chimes in. Nina hits his arm, "this isn't about you" she warns. He makes a face and goes back to his drink. "But he's just an amazing guy and i think he'd be so gentle if he'd just let himself love" you complain, tears brimming your eyes. Jesper sighs and brings your head up to his shoulder, "that's no fault of yours" he says, one hand combing through your hair, "that's just the way he is" he adds. You sniffle and go to say something but Jesper cuts you off, "drink?" he asks, pushing the glass to your lips. Nina must have given him a look. You take a drink and scan the crowd. You move off Jesper and sit facing Matthias. Just then a familiar voice rings through you ears, "my office." he says, cane hitting the floor next to you. You look up, eyes meeting Kaz's as you nod. He caught of glimpse of your appearance and his hard gaze faltered for a moment before he fixed it. "Don't be long" he adds as he walks away. You sigh, "do you think he heard?" you ask the table. Jesper shrugs. Nina shakes her head, "I doubt it, darling, but go. Don't keep him waiting in case he did hear" she says, but there was a mutual look shared amongst the table. He definitely heard. You sigh and say your goodbyes, swaying slightly as you make your way to the stairwell.
The stairs feel like they take ages to treck. You back was screaming in pain and you were trembling from all the alcohol in your system. You knew Kaz heard. Of course he did. And if he didn't, somebody must have. He had ears around the whole club.
When you made it to Kaz's door, you knocked once. He opened before you could knock again. Letting out a short, sharp breath he open the door for you to come in. You drag your feet as you step inside his room. Of course you wanted to see Kaz, but the thought of him having overheard your conversation from earlier scarred you. What if he was kicking you from the crows and you couldn't stay at the Slat anymore? Or what if he was going to kill you where you stood? No, no, him kicking you out was much worse. You could go back to the menagerie or get caught by Pekka and his men. What if both? Pekka could enslave you and make you work against Kaz. Anything was better than the Menageria. You had felt your breathing quicken slightly as a sharp slap hit you across the face.
Kaz just slapped you. Shaking your head, you blink the tears away to be met with a slightly concerned looking Kaz standing infront of you. Your hand grabbed your cheek in pain. "Apologies, but you weren't answering." he sighs. You wipe your nose with the back of your hand, "sorry" you murmur. You half wondered what he was asking you. Kaz looks over your figure like he was studying you, studying the way you carried yourself. He catches himself before he can look for too long. "Sit" he gestures to the airchair next to his desk, near his bed. You nod a little and shuffle to sit in the chair. You curled into yourself, arms folding in your lap to pick at your nails. He sits at his desk and starts doing...paperwork? Did he really call you in here to do paperwork? Maybe it was papers releasing you back to the menagerie. You had go ask. "I..Kaz?" you say. He hums. "Did you ask me here so you could do paperwork?" you ask. He nods. You shrug.
After accepting your fate, you stare off into space, eyes glued to the floor infront of his bed. You started thinking about your time at the menagerie. All the things that happened. The countless times you stitched yourself or other girls up. The skin trades between you and the guards for toiletries. The countless please from other girls to be let free. Out of those three, the skin trades irked you the most. Sometimes, the guards were nice, gentle, even, just wanting some connection. Others - more often than not - they were rough and ruthless, just wanting their own release and pleasure. Other girls had it worse, though. Some guards would sneak into their rooms non consensually every night. That only happened to you twice. One night, you had found a girl lying in her bed, motionless after this had happened to her. You went to grab her face and it wad cold. She was cold. Ever since you had been running away from that feeling, touching everyone possible for any sense of warmth.
Unlike Kaz, you craved that sort of affection. Physical touch was one of your love languages. He wanted it to, but he didn't trust himself. Kaz thought he was the plauged one. He would never risk touching anybody cause of that thought. If touch passed his train of thought, he would feel sick. He was forever caught on the feeling of his brothers cold skin. Of the rotting flesh from the other men on the raft.
Snapping you from your thoughts, Kaz moved to sit next to you on the small chair, sitting on the arm. "You keep not answering" he says, his voice weirdly soft for him. It was nice. You snap your head towards him, "Jesus, Kaz, don't scare me" you sigh. He looks down at you and sighs, "somethings troubling you." he states. You shake your head, peeling your eyes from the floor over to him. He stares at you. You knew that meant more, but it just looked like a blank stare. He was calculating and analyzing, like he usually did. "Nothings troubling me" you say, attempting to snap him from his analysis. His eyes found yours and he looked almost offended. "Nothing at all?" he asked, almost rhetorically. You sign. Opening up was a sign of weakness, but keeping it in may kill you. You weighted your options. Death was better than the menagerie.
After a few moments of silence, something overcame you. Maybe it was the liquor, or maybe it was just time he knew. "I like you" you blurt out, "a lot. a lot more than i should" your voice goes shaky, "and i know im not supposed to cause of liability and whatnot, but i really like you, Kaz." you finish. He opened his mouth to say something, but you abruptly stand up. "I know how you feel about feelings, and i know you're not the best and handling your own emotions, so i don't expect an answer," you pace in front of him, "but please. please for my own sake, just..." you trail off. what did you want? you wanted a lot of things. "just don't send me back" your voice got soft and you turned so your back was facing him. Kaz stood up and grabbed you wrist, his other hand holding his cane, "look at me" he says, dropping your wrist. You duck your head down, staring at your shoes. Kaz sighs and walks around so he's in front of you. He presses his cane under your chin making you look at him.
He paused. You both did. For a moment, everything was just frozen. Kaz thought about how you felt for just a moment. He knew there was nothing he could do to help. He was too scared. He wanted nothing more than to grab your face and tell you everything would be okay, tell you how he felt as well, but he couldn't. He couldn't tell you he liked you, he couldn't tell you he sat up at night thinking about you, that he had multiple letters drafted explaining his feelings, or that late at night when everyone was supposed to be asleep, he would sit at his desk with tears in his eyes and shaky hands and want nothing more than to hold you. He could never bring himself to say any of those things, though. He got sick at the thought of holding you. Sick from guilt. Sick from hatred for himself and everything that had happened to him. Sick that he couldn't give you the one thing you so desperately wanted.
You stood there, watching his expression change and falter into something you'd never seen before. He looked hurt. Sure, you'd seen him physically hurt before, multiple times, but you'd never seen this look in his eyes.
He was the first to break the silence. "You can't." he said. He avoided your gaze as if meeting it would bring back all the stares from his past. The people who looked at him weirdly when he crossed the street. The people that would glare every time he stepped into a bar. The people who'd stop and stare when they saw his gloves.
"And why not?" you ask. He sighs, "you just can't." he repeats and takes a step towards his desk. You grab his arm. "Why not? What's so wrong with love, Kaz?" you ask, your eyes a silent plea for something he couldn't place. "There's nothing wrong with love," he started, "you just can't love me." he pulled his arm away.You stood there baffled. He moved and sat at his desk. "But i can." you say, "you're capable of being loved, Kaz Brekker." you whisper. "And even if Brekker doesn't want to face that, you shouldn't deny that little Rietveld boy the chance to feel something." You sigh and turn to leave, making it a step away from the door before Kaz speaks up.
"I want to love you" he says, "i want to love you, i just don't know how" his voice went soft. You turn around to face him, walking back over to his desk. "I don't think I'll ever know how" he adds. You sigh and put a hand on the side of his face, "that's not just something you know how to do," you start, ignoring the slight fear in his eyes, "you have to learn how." you finish. You let your thumb rub over his cheek bone as you watched his expression falter. He closed his eyes and let himself feel how you touched his face. How warm you were. How there was no cold, rotting flesh. No sickness. Just you and your normal, alive, body heat.