Chapter Text
“So, is your family going to come visit you here?” Jocelyn asked, trying to make small talk, later that evening. They had met up earlier than previously planned. Maggie had invited her over to her place, deciding to cook them a small thank you dinner before going to the fair – she didn’t want to wait until Christmas. Although invited wasn’t the right word. She had lured Knight to her house under false pretence, Jocelyn would argue. Maggie had called her and said she needed help urgently and to please not ask any questions and just hurry. That the help needed was to try her lasagna, was not something Jocelyn saw as an emergency. When she had said so to Maggie, she had just shrugged and told her to sit down. The moment the barrister had seen the journalist’s impish grin, she couldn’t be mad about it. And who could say no to food?
“My sister and her kids might come over the summer, but nothing is set in stone yet. My brother will spend New Years Eve here.” She replied, getting them some ice-cream for dessert. Yes, they’d probably eat something else at the fair, but they were sitting together so comfortably, why not have some dessert? Meanwhile Jocelyn took a look around Maggie’s home, not hiding her curiosity. That was the penance she had to pay for forcing her to come over like that.
“That’s nice. My mum and I found the rhythm that I visit her twice and she visits me twice a year, it’s working quite well.” Knight answered, looking at the photos and books placed on the bookshelf in the living room. Somehow, feeling a little proud, when she saw that their libraries had a lot in common. The difference was their choice in plants and the Maggie kept more sentimental items and photos on display.
“My father is too sick to travel. Arthritis. We don’t have rhythm, but I’ll try to visit from time to time.” Maggie replied absentmindedly, not minding talking about it, but also not wanting to dampen the mood. She liked how familiar it all felt already, Jocelyn in the other room, her in the kitchen getting them dessert. All that was missing was their history and eating it curled up on the couch. But that was really far fetched, the journalist reminded herself. One step at a time.
“I’m sorry to hear that, but how nice that you’ve got such a great family bond from the looks of it.” Jocelyn answered, nodding her head towards the family photos. It wasn’t something she was too familiar with. She had regular contact with her mum and they got along well, but they had always been a small family. Nothing like the pictures in Radcliffe’s home.
“Yeah, it wasn’t always like this, but dad’s illness actually helped us talk and mend the bridges.” Maggie mumbled a bit distracted, when the ice-cream refused to get back into the freezer, only afterwards realising what she had said.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories.” Jocelyn answered, biting the inside of her cheek. Not sure what do or say now. So she stood between kitchen and living room awkwardly, not daring to move. This was so typically her, not able to read the mood in a social gathering.
“Being gay isn’t a bad memory.” Radcliffe breathed harshly, closing the freezer with a little too much force, before getting the smile back on her lips. Even if she hadn’t meant to broach the subject tonight, this might be good for them. Find out where they both stood. “I just wish they had been more accepting. But it’s water under the bridge, now. They’ve apologised and we moved on. It’s fine. Dad’s even got a small rainbow patch on his shelf. Although I'm pretty sure he'd faint if he ever went to a pride.” Maggie replied, walking over with the bowls, trying to play it cool, while she was truly curious about Jocelyn’s stance. Hoping to gauge some kind of reaction out of her, to figure what her own next step should be. If she should even think about this going further or cut her losses now. Also she was out and proud, she’d never hide it. But it didn’t surprise her that the QC didn’t share this attitude, after all she was living as a silk in London, being gay was still taboo in these circles. Maggie wasn’t up to start a discussion about that though.
“I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry if I offended you. I just meant, it’s probably not easy to think about. I remember how disappointed my parents were, when I didn’t follow their footsteps in academia. Not that this is comparable.” Jocelyn fell over her own words. This was so unlike herself, but she didn’t want to think Maggie ill of her. “All I meant to say was, not getting along with your parents, no matter for how long, is never a great experience.” She mumbled, taking the bowl and not looking up, feeling almost embarrassed.
“I get what you’re saying, don’t worry. It’s just a point of pride for me to not be embarrassed my sexuality or hide it. But you’re right, if you’ve never had to come out over and over again to people, I’m pretty sure our experiences aren’t comparable.” Maggie answered, swallowing down her disappointment. She had truly hoped, Jocelyn could share. Or at least would have given her any indication where she stood on this.
“You should be proud. It takes a lot of courage. I’ve seen more than one promising career ruined, because they came out and weren’t accepted. Standing up for love, that’s probably the bravest thing you can do. I’ve had to prosecute more hate crimes than I’d like. It’s truly awful how unaccepting society still is.” Jocelyn answered honestly. Never having to think about coming out herself, since this had never been a question she had asked herself, she knew it wasn’t her place to have an opinion. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t sympathise with others.
“I will never understand how someone’s career can suffer, just because they show who they love. It’s not like it has an influence on our work ethic or anything like that. We’ve still got a long way to go.” Maggie said after swallowing, realising that Jocelyn was nothing more than an ally at best. And the things she thought she had seen earlier today had been in her head. Not that this meant she liked the woman any less, it just, she had thought they had clicked on a different level. That had never happened to her like that. It would have been nice to have pursued this feeling.
“I barely got heard as a woman, there were times I wished I just didn’t have to reveal my gender. I can’t count the letters I signed with J. Knight. I think I get it, in the society we live in. It is scary. It takes a lot to always stand up and not take the easier way out.” Jocelyn replied in a quiet voice, not wanting to take away from Maggie’s experience, but she could understand to some extent. The thought alone, made her feel anxious. She knew if she was in that position, she’d lose her reputation in her chamber, no matter her reputation or records.
“I understand it to a certain extent. But when you meet someone, you truly care about, how can you hide yourself? How can you not stand up for yourself? I get that it takes time, and society makes it ridiculously hard for us. But at the end of the day, you have to decide what matters more. Because otherwise it’s just as difficult. For the others never really know you. That is, if you’re in a safe space to out yourself of course.” Maggie replied frustratedly, knowing they had a long way to go and it made her sad to be remined of it again. Especially on a day like today.
“I’m really sorry I dampened the mood. You’ve put so much effort into dinner and here I go and ruin it.” Jocelyn replied, picking up on the change of tone and demeanour.
“No, you didn’t ruin anything. This just gets to me. But let’s talk about something happier. What’s the first thing you’ll do, once you’re back to London?” Maggie decided to move on, there was no point lingering on this.
“There are a few minor cases waiting for me. And I’ve got some law changes to catch up on. Nothing that compares with local news.” Jocelyn winked at her, getting the mood change, being all too happy about it.
“You should have thought about that before becoming one of the best silks we’ve got.” Maggie grinned at her, finally able to enjoy her ice-cream again, she liked their banter. It came naturally.
“One dance. And then I’ll let you go home.” Maggie bargained. They had had a great night. Jocelyn had been so much fun to talk to and even up for a silly game or two, after Maggie begged her. The journalist had found out (by accident of course) that staring at the QC with big eyes, grinning and stroking her arm, usually did the trick.
But now it was barely elven o’clock and Jocelyn thought it was time to go. Radcliffe did not agree. Especially knowing she wouldn’t see the other woman again in a while.
“A dance? I don’t dance.” Jocelyn snorted putting out her cigarette while staring Maggie down. What a ridiculous suggestion.
“Well, you should. Look at your legs, it’s a waste you don’t use them properly.” She grinned at her, maybe a bit more daring because of the wine, maybe it was the whole mood. There was no denying they had been flirting. Well, it hadn’t been really obvious, but those small, fleeting looks and touches, they couldn’t be interpreted any other way.
Jocelyn wet her lips, she didn’t dance. Never. Way too many ways to embarrass herself. But the way Maggie looked at her, she just couldn’t say no. This had never happened to her before. This feeling of being happy because someone else was happy. It was very new, but also very exciting.
“Fine. One dance. And you tell me what to do.” Jocelyn conceded, not able to deny Radcliffe anything.
Maggie squealed just a little bit, taking Jocelyn’s hand, she dragged her towards the corner of the dance floor, making sure to not draw any attention on them. Aware that the moment Jocelyn felt watched, she’d stop this. “Okay, I guess you put your arms around my shoulders since your taller than me.” She instructed, still giddy about the fact that Jocelyn allowed her to do this.
“You guess?” Jocelyn asked, staring her straight in her eyes and suddenly Maggie felt like she knew how the witnesses felt on the stand when Knight took the apart.
“I haven’t danced like this in ages. But it doesn’t matter. This isn’t about etiquette, this is about fun.” Maggie grinned at her, the happiness of this moment not leaving her body. To her utmost joy, Jocelyn just laughed and followed her lead.
But then their eyes met and suddenly it was there. This moment everyone always talks about. The moment the music only becomes a background noise, everyone and everything else fades away and there is just the two of you. This instant connection in which you see your whole future. The moment you just know.
Jocelyn had no idea whether they were actually moving or just standing there and for the first time in her life, she didn’t care. She didn’t have to be in charge of the room nor the situation. There was nothing that could make her look away. Although she was inclined to close her eyes and lean in. She wanted to be as close to Maggie as possible. To simply feel, do what her heart and soul were longing for, ever since this morning. How could it have been just this morning? She felt like she had known Maggie for forever. She had never met anyone else who made her feel like the younger woman did.
But then just like this, their moment was broken. A little boy ran into them and in shock started crying. Maggie was the first one to act, taking her hands away from Jocelyn’s waist and knelt down, to make sure the child was alright. One more thing she was better at than her, Knight noted. She instantly knew what to do, how to talk to the youngster and make him feel safe, just how Maggie had made her feel safe a moment ago. While the QC didn’t realise it in that moment, later - too late - she would understand, what she had felt was love. She had fallen in love and was one of the few people in the world who could pinpoint the second it had happened.
By the time they had found the father of the little boy and made sure everything was okay, their moment was broken. Maggie wanted to scream at the universe. It had taken her a blick on an eye, but she had been able to read it all in Jocelyn’s eyes. She hadn’t outed herself yet, because she hadn’t known. She had only understood herself in that moment, what those feelings were. And Maggie had so desperately wanted to be there for that realisation, to be there for her when a whole new world started to open up to Jocelyn. Telling her it was okay to feel it all, the joy, the angst, the confusion, the uncertainty, and giddiness and everything in between. But it wasn’t meant to happen. Once they were alone again, she could see the confusion preoccupying Jocelyn’s thoughts. She knew for the moment there was nothing she could do. Knight needed to come to terms with it on her own now, before they could figure it out together. They had time. Maybe that was the advantage of being older. They could talk about it, take it step by step, didn’t need to sneak around their parents or school mates and there was no pressure to have it all figured out at once.
“It’s getting late. I should really go.” Jocelyn stated, once they were in a quieter corner, having found their almost empty glasses.
“Yeah, we don’t want you to miss your train.” Maggie agreed, knowing now was probably the best moment to part, so Jocelyn could process what had just happened.
“Would you mind keeping me up to date with what’s happening in town?” Jocelyn asked, almost shy, as they grabbed their jackets and made their way out of the fair, into the quiet part of the town, before they would inevitably have to part their ways.
“I’d like that. It's my job now." She joked, "You can tell me all about London. Remind me of what I’m missing out on.” Maggie smiled at her, finally finding her in to not lose their connection. Words were her strong suit. She could make Jocelyn feel what she was feeling even over this distance. That meant not all hope was lost. No, this was good. This was less pressure for the other woman, it would give her time and space. Radcliffe tried to stay positive.
“That sounds like a deal.” Knight returned her smile. Coming to stand still, just looking at Maggie taking her in, knowing she wouldn’t get so see her again in a long time, in the middle of the empty road. She had no idea what to do next. “And thanks for the dance. I haven’t done that before, but it was fun.” She tried to acknowledge something at least, not able to understand what had happened, what she was feeling. But it felt important to be acknowledged.
“If you ever want to dance, just let me know. There are enough places in London. I’d happy to dance with you again.” Maggie grinned at her, her heart fluttering at the thought.
“Me too.” Jocelyn whispered, before noticing how she was grinning. For goodness’ sake, she was a grown, accomplished woman, what was going on here?
“I’ll let you go now. Ring me up, to let me know you arrived safely in London?” Radcliffe suggested, knowing she needed to go sooner than later, before she did something stupid like lean in and get the kiss she couldn’t stop thinking about. Instead, she looked for one of her cards, so Jocelyn would have her information. Just to make absolutely sure she had everything she needed to write, or even better phone, her.
“I will. Thanks for tonight. You were right, it was fun.” Knight answered, taking the card, storing it in her purse, before doing something she rarely did. She hugged Maggie goodbye. Allowing herself to enjoy the warmth of the other woman in her arms for a moment longer than it was appropriate. Maybe even breathing in her scent, but she wasn’t sure whether her body had done that on purpose or if it has been a side benefit.
“Maggie.” Jocelyn grinned involuntarily when she spotted the Radcliffe in front of the train station.
“I figured you might want something to read.” The journalist grinned, handing Jocelyn the first copy of the Echo that had been published under her command. She hadn’t found a better excuse. There was also no need to tell her, she’d been here since the first train departed, because she didn’t know when Jocelyn would leave exactly.
“That’s very considerate of you.” Knight smiled, taking the issue while giving her an awkward half hug. She wasn’t too sure how to behave, but wanted to show her gratitude.
“It’s nothing.” Maggie shrugged, tightening the hug for a moment before letting her go, trying to make it very obvious what her intentions were.
“I, er, I” Jocelyn knew she needed so say something, but couldn’t find the words. “I wanted to thank you for dinner and the lovely evening yesterday. It was right what I needed before getting back into work.” She hadn’t been prepared to see Maggie, hadn’t been able to lay out the words. So what she said fell flat.
“Oh, of course. I had fun too.” Radcliffe answered a little too polite. She was used to being turned down, that wasn’t the problem. She hated that Jocelyn hid it so well behind a wall as if nothing had happened yesterday. “As I said, I’m always happy to dance with you.” Even if the QC could let it go so easily, she couldn’t .
“Who knows, maybe at the next fair.” The older woman said, before she had even the chance of thinking. But she didn’t care. Not in that moment, not when she wanted to say so much more, but just didn’t find it in herself what if was she wanted to say. Instead she gave Maggie one of her rare smiles. They rushed their goodbyes, when the train was announced and Maggie didn’t follow to see her off. But she waved and held out hope that the letters would change things.