Chapter Text
Dear Jay,
I have as of late come to wonder why?
Why was it fated that we meet, all those years ago?
Why did you become my closest confidante, my closest friend?
Why did you die so young?
Why did you die before we ever gained the courage to verbalise the truth?
The truth in which we danced around, its presence always there, but never breaking through.
That I loved you, and that you loved me.
Why is it that no matter how much time has passed, your affect on my life never seems to fade?
In the smallest of moments to the largest of choices, my life is shaped by the ghost of you.
Why do I never seem to let you go?
Perhaps, I am selfish.
Most people tell me to move on…
And I understand that my life could be easier, simpler, more content if I just let the memory of you go.
But it’s embedded within me.
To the point where it is so tightly intertwined around my heart that if I were to remove the memories of you, I would be removing the best parts of me.
Because,
The real reason.
The reason why I can never let you go.
Is because I could never bear the thought of losing you again.
Because,
Whatever our souls are made of Jason, yours and mine are the same.
Keeping you with me in my heart,
Always,
Y/N
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Now within your new apartment.
Your new shared apartment.
For you, Jason and Ruby.
A little worn with paint chips and creaky floors.
But with just a little care and attention, it held so much potential.
A large space, with access to the rooftop terrace, where you and Jason could sit and stare at the stars above. Just as you used to when you were teens.
It was part of the reason you both picked this place.
Moving in together took a little time.
You had both wanted to savour the slowness of dating.
Of getting to know each other again and falling deeper in love with each other.
Perhaps it was also partly to Jason’s hesitance to let you in.
And perhaps it was your worry that Jason wouldn’t love who you had become.
Some days of your relationship were easier than others.
While some days, some days it just took a little extra time.
Just a little patience, in times when either you or Jason felt a little out of depth.
You both anchored each other. Never pushing the other beyond your limit.
Giving space, but always within orbit of the other.
Ensuring that neither of you felt alone.
But now you have decided to move in together, feeling ready to make this next step, to make a place to call ‘our home’.
As you and Jason began to unpack your boxes, you soon melded your lives together.
Parting ways with items that were no longer needed.
Making room for your growing life together.
Pictures that used to bring you sadness which were once concealed in boxes.
Now sit in picture frames upon your walls, bringing you joy, the smiling faces of your younger selves within each frame making you both feel as though you were making them proud.
Empty bookshelves that Jason spent the afternoon building now lined the walls, waiting to be filled with the works of Emily Brontë, Jane Austen, George Orwell, and many more.
While you were busy making you both a coffee, in need of a pick me up.
Jason had discovered a pile of letters tucked away in a box, tied with a little twine, a little faded as though they had been handled repeatedly over time.
Upon each envelope was his name, written with delicate care.
Jason Todd
He looked upon them with such confusion, he was sure he’d never seen these before, and yet here they were addressed to him.
So maybe they were his, and he just didn’t remember?
And so, with the utmost care, he carefully peeled open one of the letters.
Soon one letter became two, which turned into three, until he was pouring over every single word that graced the page.
Biting his lip, the words upon each page makes his heart twist uncomfortably in his chest.
Eyes glossing over as he reads over your thoughts and feelings from the years.
Words of longing, of hatred, of not moving on, of being haunted by the ghost of him.
All phrased in a way that never once made him feel you ever regretted loving him.
It all just simply made him so incredibly sorry for all he’d put you through.
It was something he had said often ever since he came back into your life.
It was also something you had continuously told him off about.
Reassuring him with a steadfastness that it was not his fault, that he needn’t apologise.
But your words upon each page, made these feelings of sadness resurface.
“What do you think about ordering pizza for dinner…Jay?” you pause with a mug of coffee in each hand, looking at Jason with worry, he had gone strangely quiet, “are you okay?”
Gently placing the mugs down you scooch down to reach for him, you notice the papers strewn around him.
…the letters.
Your hands curl around his arms, the softness of your touch pulling his attention to you.
“I’m so sorry,” he choked out in a small whisper.
You shake your head, “you don’t need to be sorry, you’re here now and that’s all that matters to me.”
Your arms snake up to cup his cheeks, rubbing small circles in reassurance. “I wrote those letters to help me. I needed a way to let out all those thoughts and feelings, and the best way was to talk to you, to write to you.”
You watch his eyes flutter close, leaning into the palms of your hands.
The warmth of your hold, comforting him, grounding him.
“Besides, not all of them were that angsty. Sometimes I would write about a new song I found, or just complaining about a professor I had or a new book I thought you might enjoy, so in a way it felt like I still had you with me. As if you were simply living elsewhere and that the return letter got lost in the mail,”
“You’re always so kind to me, even when I don–”
“Don’t finish that. You’ll always be deserving of my love…so long as you don’t do anything insanely stupid”
“Like dying?” he jokes dryly
“See Jason, now that is something that could get you sleeping on the couch” you say with a teasing glint in your eyes.
He simply kisses your cheeks with his hands starting to tickle your sides until you begin laughing, before sliding to hug you “you wouldn’t dare, you’d miss my cuddles too much.”
Perfectly content in his hold you sigh with a calmness washing over you.
“Where did you get the idea of writing letters from?” he asked, lazy fingers tracing aimless patterns along your back.
“Alfred had the idea actually, I wasn’t really talking much with anyone but he could tell I had a lot going on in my head, so he said to write it out, in whatever way helped. He also suggested burning them as a release…but I couldn’t quite bring myself to do that.”
“Alfred told me the same thing when I first moved into the manor. A way to express my thoughts about my new ‘normal’.”
“Are you telling me that there's a pile of letters by a young Jason somewhere in the manor?” you smile in amusement, “I have to see these!”
“No, those ones I did burn. Sorry to disappoint…but,” he pauses with a heavy breath.
“but when I came back, I started writing letters to…to you. Which are probably in one of these boxes.”
“I don’t have to read them if you don’t want me to,” you say, your voice laced with an understanding that Jason has come to learn had no limits when it came to him.
“I’d like you to read them. I think - I think it’s important that you read them” he gives you a little squeeze in assurance.
Before slowly slipping out of your hold.
You watch him.
Simply in admiration of how far Jason had come since you had first reunited, now no longer shying away from the past.
Instead sharing the heavy weight of his world with you.
He checks a few boxes before finding a little pile of letters that were slipped between book covers.
You took them with the same tenderness that captured his heart.
Your name printed upon each one.
It felt as though he was revealing to you his deepest truths.
He nestles in behind you, as you curled within his lap, the weight of his head rested upon your shoulder, tilted slightly inwards as he inhaled your scent.
Melting into your embrace.
His mind drifts to thoughts about the effect you had on him.
That when with you it would feel as though the anger that resided in him since emerging from the pitt would dissipate.
For just a moment he is replaced by that little boy who was once full of hope despite the cruelty of the world.
The young teenager who was hopeful that you loved him.
Who had hoped to have the courage to tell you that he loved you.
With just a glance from you, he comes back to life.
Awarded a piece of normality. Of peace.
He is so grateful for you.
You begin reading his letters, the words of pain, confusion and yearning laid bare before you in their most rawest form.
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Dear Y/N
I am plagued by thoughts of what I should do with this second chance life has given me,
I think about how you might not approve with what I have done so far,
How you might look at me with contempt for the actions I have committed,
My soul has been tainted by the crimes I have committed, however well intentioned I may have been, you may never look at me the same.
How those beautiful eyes of yours, that haunt in my sleepless dreams, may morph into an empty gaze, unfeeling and uncaring towards me.
But then,
I remember you to be beautiful,
But not in the way that society construes beauty or places those on pedestals for superficial ideas that change over time.
You are beautiful in the way that you think,
For the way your eyes sparkled when you used to talk about the things you loved,
For the way you made me and others smile even if you were sad,
I had loved you so dearly, not for something so temporary and fleeting as your looks, but for the beauty of your soul.
I did not love you with my heart or with my mind,
For I loved you with my soul entirely,
In case my mind forgot, or if my heart stops,
That is most likely why I never once forgot my love for you, as it was so ingrained within me.
That despite the racing thoughts that ravaged my mind as I crawled out of the pit.
The memory of you never once left me,
Perhaps,
If I ever get the chance.
If I ever muster the courage,
I might get to tell you, just how much you mean to me,
How I would wish to never let you go.
How I’d long to tell you I love you,
How you have my heart, body and soul,
Loving you until the end of time,
Jay
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But the few things that never seemed to stray, was his attention to you.
His longing for you was ever present in each letter.
The torment of his struggles after being reborn, brought tears to your eyes.
Once you had read enough, you gently placed the letters aside.
Before leaning back into his embrace, loving the feeling of being consumed by his presence.
You didn’t need to read anymore.
As whatever else lined their pages wouldn’t reveal anything else you didn’t know.
All boiled down to the simple fact that,
You were his, and he was yours.
“I agree” he mumbled with a gentle kiss to your shoulder,
“Hm?”
“Our souls…whatever they’re made of, yours and mine are one in the same,” he quotes your words before kissing you deeply, making up for lost time.
Lined within the pages of both of your letters,
One thing could be known to be true,
Your lives would forever be entangled with the other,
Not even death could keep you two apart, as your souls never failed to find each other.
Now in your bubble of solace.
You never once reached for pen and paper to express your innermost thoughts, and Jason never once hid the deepest parts of him.
As you revealed them all to the one person you had wanted most in your darkest moments.
With an open ear and an open heart.
You became each other’s safe place. In good times and bad.
Ready for whatever life had planned for you both.
Besides, how could it be any harder than being separated by death?
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Dear Alfred,
We’ll keep this short and sweet, as we know you don’t particularly revel in these words of praise. (even if you deserve every single word and so much more)
Thank you for all your kindness and unending support.
We would be so lost without you,
You have always been there for us with an open heart and a listening ear, or just a simple presence when the world became too loud or chaotic.
We are so grateful for all you have done for us,
For the sage advice, the warm cookies, and guidance.
We are especially thankful to you for telling us to write letters to express our innermost thoughts. This little tip has been most useful to both of us.
More than you will ever know.
You are so important to us, and have guided us to know what unconditional love is. Something that we strive for everyday.
Somehow, we’re not sure how, but it seems you had always known we would end up together, long before we had even realised our feelings for each other. That knowing glint in your eye gives you away.
By doing even the smallest of things, you helped us realise this in our own time. So thank you.
With all our love,
Y/N & Jason
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"It seems that Y/N and Jason are happy together," Bruce mentioned to Alfred in the quiet of the night whilst he patches him up after a long evening out, "I'm glad that they are working it out. But I assume you always knew they would, didn't you?"
“I had no doubt that the young Miss Y/N and Master Jason would’ve realised their love for each other in due time," Alfred murmured as he remembered the words of a recent letter he received.
Memories of the two of you, younger and eyes full of hope, sharing little laughs and whispers that would echo the halls as Alfred would send you off with a warm plate of cookies.
Perhaps he knew that your love would stay true, as he saw the looks that Jason would send you whilst you weren't looking.
Or from the way you would always for some reason or another reach to clasp Jason's hand.
"No doubt at all..."