Chapter Text
Mike was so gone for his best friend.
It wasn’t even funny anymore, well, it’s not as if it had ever been. If you don’t take in mind the time when he had the realization and had just started to laugh maniatically in his bed at an ungodly hour in the night instead of crying and screaming of how fucking stupid he had been almost his whole damn life. He got strangely lucky to have no one to hear him that night, at least he told himself that while having breakfast the next morning and intently avoided meeting Nancy’s concerned glances across the table.
Could you blame him, though?
He had convinced himself that his… feelings towards Will were nothing more than a really, really deep appreciation towards their friendship added up to everything they had to go through since that cold night of November 6th. That he just loved his friend too much. Platonically. Of course.
He had a girlfriend after all.
Well, he had said it, right? He had. Past tense.
El and Mike had broken up just a couple of weeks after coming back to Hawkins and reuniting with everyone. Somehow, it didn’t surprise him. Their relationship had had nothing more than ups and downs, and that’s normal between couples, he knows that. The difference is that they actually never talked anything out, they would just wait until one day they’d just be talking as if nothing had happened at all, and proceeded to spend the next hour kissing and kissing and kissing, it seemed as if that was the thing most akin to reassurance that they could grasp themselves to. It wasn’t fair, not for him, not for El.
Not even his speech at the pizza place could save them.
Mike still loved her, so much, but not the way she deserved, not the way she wanted, the way she needed him to. And apparently, after an awkward but so much needed talk, she didn’t love him that way anymore either, if she even ever did at all. And that was okay. He had to admit that that stung a little, though.
El deserved so much more than his stupid and useless ass, she didn’t need him anymore, she needed to find herself, who she really was. And the only thing that Mike had been doing has been limiting her from that, from her own self. He was really, really messed up.
Still, they seemed to work much better as friends anyway. Surprisingly, El didn’t mind Mike crashing at the cabin every other day, now without the pressure of their doomed relationship, everything felt much lighter, easier. He had missed her, he had had her, but not this way, and it felt good, the relief of keeping her friendship invaded him whole.
So, yeah.
This is going to sound so bad, and maybe — definitely — it is bad. But one of the reasons that he had been holding so tight to his relationship with El, was that she offered his damned soul an excuse to avoid his confused and tangled up feelings for Will, for his own best friend. How could he make it worse?
If he had El’s beautiful and girly lips on top of his own, he wouldn’t be able to think about those other lips, about how would they feel on top of his, or on his face, his neck, going down and down until-
No.
That was exactly what he had been talking about. He was fucked. And everything was Will’s fault.
No, stop. Rewind. Scratch that. Will’s pure and angelic soul was not to blame for Mike’s corrupted mind. Will had oh so dearly given everything to him, his laughs, his smile, his help, his platonic love and care- only for Mike to twist it into the most disgusting thing ever.
He was disgusting.
When he first realized that the way that he thought about Will, the way he would just be different from the rest of his friends, was in fact, really different, he had to admit that he felt terrified, but also kind of giddy. It was a weird mix of feelings. That made it worse.
So, to sum it up:
- He broke up with his girlfriend, and he didn’t feel as upset as he might have had to.
- Later on he realized why Will avoiding him felt much worse.
- He was so fucking scared of Will finding out and hating him for life, if he didn’t already.
It didn’t help that just the day after this revelation, the same subject of his crisis was in the same room, in his room.
Without a shirt, by the way.
It had been a couple of months since the Byers family had found themselves forced to live with the Wheelers, as they had to come back to Hawkins and lacked a place to stay since they sold their own house long ago. Mike’s mom was the first to offer their home to them, insisting that it wouldn’t be a problem at all, that they would be delighted. Mike was, at least. How could he not be? Will was going to live with him! Getting to do what they always swore when they were little kids, after all, that would mean infinite sleepovers and spending all day and every day together, it sounded like a dream.
Now though, with the new information acquired, it sounded like a nightmare.
After everything, Mike had finally talked to Will, they made up, promised to keep their friendship intact and to be best friends again. Mike truly believed that they could go back to what they were before everything went to shit, before Mike decided to be the shittest friend ever. Before not sending any signs of life while Will was in Lenora. Before barely greeting him at the airport. Before ditching him constantly for El. Before screaming at him at the rink. Hell, even before that summer when all he did was be making out with El. Before what he said under the rain.
And even after everything, Will forgave him, again. He always did. Mike didn’t deserve it, but he was determined to make the most of it to get his best friend back.
He should have expected it to be a much more difficult task, as Will did anything he could to not be even in the same room as him. Not staying loyal to his word. Mike had no right to call him out for it, though. That would have been pure hypocrisy.
It got worse after his revelation.
These feelings were impure, sinful, a disgusting mistake. That knowledge didn’t make them go away. He wasn’t sure if anything would ever be able to.
It also didn’t help the beautiful pink that emerged on Will’s face after Mike opened his door to find him crouched beside his closet with nothing more than a towel around his waist, how ironic.
”Uh-” Mike intelligently said, feeling that unmistakable warmth creeping to his face while he awkwardly stood in the threshold of his room.
He had been heading to El’s to find a way to tell her how stupid and miserable he felt — even if she already knew — regarding the whole revelation thing. Then, he noticed he had left some snacks that he was going to share with her as a form of payment for bearing with his pathetic ramble that would probably last at least three hours, so he went back to his room. Now, he heavily regretted it.
“Uhm.” Will replied, seeming even more awkward, and Mike didn’t blame him. Will covered — very badly, if he might say — himself with his naked arms while trying to formulate any kind of words, only achieving to open and close his mouth like a fish, looking at anything but Mike, and looking achingly cute.
His hair was still wet from the shower that he had apparently taken, drops of water falling directly to the floor, or to his broad shoulders, running down his neck, not stopping there but keeping their way to his chest and his very much defined abs, only to be lost in the towel that barely covered his- uhm, yeah. He did not follow that drop with his eyes. And he definitely did not imagine himself following it with much more than his gaze.
He also did not let his gaze linger a beat too long on those defined and tanned legs.
“Uhm- what-”
”Sorry, I- uhm, I just,” Will stuttered, completely ashamed as he dropped his arms to his sides, seeming to notice how comical that must have looked. They’ve seen each other naked — or well, almost naked — thousands of times, there was actually no reason to cover himself up, and they were both boys, there wasn’t anything to be awkward about. The one that should be in that case would be Mike, because the way he was looking at his friend right now was anything but platonic, anything but normal. He begged internally for Will not to notice.
He seemed to regain his posture, even with his voice still wavering with nervousness “Sorry. I- I didn’t have any clean clothes, we forgot to- to bring them to the laundry and, as I still keep using some of your clothes ‘cause, well, Lenora, I thought that maybe I could borrow one or- or two shirts from you and you were going out so I took the moment to not bother you and I’m sorry for not asking before but- but I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal and I let myself in and that was really wrong from my part and-”
”Will.” He snapped. Will stopped instantly, looking at him with wide and scared eyes. Maybe he had been a bit rough, but he was making him nervous with all his rambling and he looked so panicked and scared of, what? Mike? He didn’t like that, not a little bit. “Will,” he repeated, softer this time. “It’s okay, you- you don’t have to give me any explanation, I mean, you could have just asked instead of coming in while I was gone- but I’m not mad or anything, just- you can talk to me, you know that, right?” He was not only talking about his clothes, and Will seemed to get it as they locked eyes for a beat and just as fast, Will tilted his head down with an unreadable expression on his face, now partly covered by his hair.
That was a common occurrence now, Mike not being able to read Will as he was so used to when they were kids. It was a painful realization when it happened for the first time, when he looked back to those hazel eyes and didn’t have a clue about what they might be saying, about what Will was trying to tell him, about what Will was trying to ask for. Now, they didn’t know each other anymore, and he hated that, he hated himself for ruining one of the best things he had ever got to have.
Mike had tried not to let too much hope drop through his voice, and failed miserably.
Will flinched the slightest bit, enough for Mike to notice. He had gone back to avoid Mike’s eyes intently, looking more nervous by the second. Mike opened his mouth to start another useless shower or reassurances when the haunted look on Will’s face faded in a blink, replaced by annoyance and brisk determination, and quickly took a random sweater with pants and bolted out of his room, brushing hastily his shoulder against Mike’s. He tried not to mind too much the cold damp of water that the brief contact had left, as well as the couple of water droplets that Will’s hair had splashed to his face as he fled.
“Will!” Mike called, turning around only to be greeted by an empty hall, Will nowhere to be seen. Unable to stop himself from recalling the drastic change that his eyes had suffered, he stood there motionless. Maybe that was for the best, he thought. He had shouted out of instinct at seeing Will getting away from him, again, with no idea of what he would have said if he had still been there. And wasn’t this for the better, too? The less time they saw each other, the less possibilities of Will finding out about his feelings for him.
But he really wanted to talk to him again, to see him again.
Shit.
He still had to go to El’s, maybe she could help him out, if she didn’t hate his guts once he told her that ‘Oh yeah! Sorry I couldn’t love you properly, it was because I was madly in love with your brother instead! Oops’, yeah what could go wrong, huh?
Okay, he didn’t want to do this, but he still had to see El, he had already told her that he would go and he didn’t dare to ditch her, and even if she insisted that she couldn’t read minds, — something that Mike doubted a lot — El always has had somehow this ability to see through him and just know that something was wrong with him, he couldn’t just hide something like this from her. Besides, she did deserve to know. And if this ended up with his two most important people out of his life, let it be. He would take it, bear with it, bear with the pain, it’s not as if he didn’t deserve it.
With a deep sigh, he stepped further into his room, eyeing briefly the damp spot beside his closet and scrubbing his face, feeling faintly the droplets of water. Mike took a bunch of chocolate bars he had in his schoolbag, along with a not-so-old bag of chips that he knew El liked. Keeping them all in a smaller bag, he went off. Getting down the stairs, on his bike, and all the way to the cabin.
He hadn’t been able to get rid of Will’s pretty face along with his stupidly broad shoulders and Californian tanned skin on his way to El’s. Get rid of that sunkissed skin that only made his muscles look more defined and bigger in comparison to Mike’s pale noodle arms. Had he been exercising back in Lenora? Because there’s no way that he got that- that buffed out of the blue, it was so unfair. Looking so frustratingly hot, Mike couldn’t find it in himself to mind too much when Will walked away from him at every possible moment if it meant to be faced with that back. Did Will have any idea what he did to him? How crazy and ashamed of himself made Mike feel? He sometimes wonders what he would think of this. How would he react? Would he be as understanding as ever and let him down gently? Or would he hate him for life and call him a- a fag? A fairy or a-?
No, Will wasn’t like that, he was nice and kind, and he had gone through all kinds of slurs from everyone back in school. He would never use them against Mike, would he?
He found himself disappointed as the answer was ‘I don’t know’. And wasn’t that what all of this was about? They didn’t know each other anymore, not as they used to. Now they were almost strangers, ex-best friends who couldn’t even look each other in the eye. And it was all his fault.
So, yeah. He didn’t know how Will would react, but he knew that nothing good could be expected. Not for him. Not from Will. Not anymore.
He let the wind caress his face and to unfurl his already messy curls, hoping for it to be cold enough to hit some sense and equity into him. Maybe the wind could get strong enough to stumble him from his bike and crash his head against the pavement. Maybe that would repair whatever was wrong with him and his brain.