Chapter Text
~Mike’s POV~
“STOP!” I pleaded. pushing my mom away as she attempted to hold me still.
“Stop trying to calm me down!”
“WHY SHOULD I? YOUR DESTROYING EVERYTHING AND FOR WHAT?”
“You don’t get it mom…” I cut in, shrinking in my skin, wiping tears off my cheek. My words came out deep and low.
“No, I don’t, I don’t get why you're destroying yourself. Shrinking down into nothing. Why are you doing this to yourself, Mike? Seriously tell me the truth..” she took a step forward and I took a step back.
“Mom, you don't get it..” I repeated, shaking my head with my eyes closed.
My mom sat down on my bed and held her head in her hands.
“What have I done..” She muttered under her breath.
It wasn’t about her, it's never been about her. Why can’t she see that for once. That she’s not the root of everyone’s problems. And doesn't see that other people can have problems. She’s so selfish and narcissistic.
“NOTHING MOM, YOU HAVE DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME BUT MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I’M GOING CRAZY!” My eyes flash red as I scream.
”You keep sending me photos of me when I was “happy” and packing me old shirts thinking that it’ll make me realize something. You're not helping me, actually you're just making it worse.” I glared at her and spoke through my teeth
Karen stands up slowly and grabs my cast and kisses it. I push her off immediately and she stumbles back falling onto my bed. I turn around and punch my wall. I can't control it anymore, and I can't keep acting like everything’s fine. When it's not, it hasn’t been fine for a long time. I can’t just keep everything in anymore. I need the anger..
My mom gets up and stares at me with tears in her eyes. I don't feel bad. She slams the door as she walks out but I catch it and hold it open. She turns around with pure horror on her face. She runs downstairs into my dads arms.
”YEAH LEAVE!” I scream at the top of my lungs before slamming the door with all my strength. The anger burned in my skull and behind my eyes. I dug through the mess that was my room for a lighter and a cigarette. I found them under a pile of notebooks. Yes! I leaned against the door and slid down into a fetal position. I lit the cigarette and took a hit. I felt a wave of relief while blowing smoke all over my room. After a few minutes I noticed the quiet sobs coming from the dining room.
“I just don't know what is happening and I don't know how to help him.” Sniffling and reassurance came after that. I finally took a break and set the cigarette down beside me. I leaned my head back on the door. I have to go down there… I need them to understand…
I got up and threw the cig on the floor and walked downstairs quietly. My parents' eyes quickly met mine as I entered the dining room. My mom quickly wiped her tears
”Hey sweetie…” My mom said with a glimpse of hope flashing in her eyes.
”Hey mom, dad. I think I owe you guys an explanation,” They nod and gesture for me to sit, “For a long time I didn't know what was going on with me and I was angry, like very angry. And it just made it worse when I was reminded of when I was better, I don't know.” I take a deep breath, avoiding eye contact.
”Is that it?” My mom cut in.
”I think I’m gay!” I blurt out. I couldn't take it any longer. But even I was shocked that I was able to say it.
“This is the first time I’ve said it out loud, but anyways-” I get cut off.
”Oh Micheal…” My mom speaks gently and takes my hand. My dad is standing above her, his hands on her shoulders, firm.
”It has just been hard to do anything, when there’s just a constant noise in your head saying that you're wrong and disgusting all the time.”
”Son, your not disgusting—“ My dad cut in.
”Didnt Will just come out?” My mom, spoke softly
Shit.
My moms onto me.
”Uhh-yeah! He did…” The words caught in my throat as I tried to seem normal.
”Are you two?…a thing?” She questions.
”Oh, no we aren’t. I didn't even know he was gay until he told me-but anyways,” I had to cut that conversation short. Stop it, somehow.
”I didn't want to tell you what was going on because I didn't think you’d understand- because if I didn't understand what I was feeling how could you? I regret that. It’s just- It was… hard. And I used to get really angry and then the meds came and they didn't work. It just always feels like the anger is bubbling and sometimes spills out of my mouth or actions, or whatever… I’m sorry about earlier. Everything just happened in seconds and it was just hard to stop it all from coming out.” I took a breath and continued.
“I think that had to happen, I needed to let my anger out, and I just feel like—lighter… Y’know?”
”Son, you need to apologize to that girl that was there.” My dad said sternly.
”Max, shit!” I covered my mouth, “Sorry…”
”I missed my son, you know. You’ve been different, less yourself and I hope that things can get better now that you know you're not alone and know that we're always here for you.” My dad has always been the silent supporter type. He doesn't like feelings and tries to avoid them at all cost. He hated it when I cried as a kid, always telling men to toughen up. Maybe that’s what it was, The guilt…
“Thanks dad, sorry.” I wiped a tear from my cheek as I stared down at my hands in my lap.
”You know son, when you go to college, you still need protection.”
”Jesus dad, I know!”
We talked a little more before I went back upstairs to clean my room. Nancy had planned to come home from college that day for the weekend. And I guess my parents had told her to talk to me. I heard her come up the stairs, she didn’t knock and just came right in.
”It looks like a pigsty in here…” She gasped, “Your face, it's all bruised up!” She said as she stepped over piles of books and clothes. Then walked up to me and held my cheek in her hands then sat down on my bed and looked at me, really looked at me.
“Talk to me, Mike. I know I haven’t been here but mom said that you needed me, I really regret not being here more and I’m sorry…” Nancy spoke softly, regret filled her words.
I drop the clothes onto the floor and sit beside her on my bed. “It’s not your fault, I know. Life has just been weird.”
”What is it Mike?” She placed her hand on my thigh, holding my hands still from fidgeting with the string of my sweatpants.
“Okay im telling you this because I trust you, more than mom and dad. I told them part of it. Just not the whole thing because it's nothing yet.” I took a few deep breaths and wondered how to word it.
“Okay…”
”I’m gay or bi or whatever, I don't know” I held my head in my hands. Why was it harder to tell Nancy? I just missed her so much…
”Mike, I love you. You know that right? Nothing will change how I feel about you, you’re my brother.” She held me in her lap while I cried silently, only interrupted by her reassurance.
”It’s okay, Mike. Everything’s gonna be okay.” It takes everything to not cry more every time she speaks. Her words have always seemed to make everything okay. With her being at college and Holly being only 12 and all. I’ve kind of felt alone the past few years.
”Thank you Nance. I’ve needed you. I’m not doing so well.” The words caught in my throat.
”Tell me everything.” We switched positions so now we were both fully on my bed facing each other, legs crossed.
”Okay so, I told mom and dad what I already told you but that’s not all of it…” She nodded and I continued.
”The past few months Will has been acting kinda weird—” I started to explain before being cut off.
”So it is about Will…” She knew, Shit! But, there’s no more hiding it anymore…
”Yeah, it is, I think I’m in love with him…” I looked up and met her eyes, they were glassy and her whole face read proud.
“I know…” She nodded.
“What? How—“
”You two have always been especially close. Even in the party, you two have always navigated to each other. I think it's always been love.” She emphasized love with her eyes, giving me a knowing look.
”Seriously? Cause’ I didn't realize it was love until the day of my accident.”
”You’ve always loved him right?”
”Yeah, he’s my best friend." I realized in that moment, the feeling has been there all along, just invisible.
”You just realized that you were in love with him, there’s a difference.” She spoke it like it was the only thing that mattered.
”It’s just weird, Y'know? But anyways, Will had been acting off so I tried to be there for him and spend like extra time with him and stuff, then I found out I had Diabetes and when that happened I’m pretty sure it like traumatized him or something, I passed out in school and it was only will there until Max came and he had to leave. But the next few days he visited me in the hospital to make up for it, he spent every second of the day with me when he wasn’t in school. That was probably the last time we were ‘good’.”
”So what happened?” She leaned in and reached for my hands again. I hadn’t realized it but I had been digging my nails into my palms. I looked down to see her thumbs rubbing over my knuckles and smiled.
”I don’t really know, I just got really angry and would crash out a lot especially at Will when we hung out, just us. So I started to distance myself because I felt so bad. But then we almost never hung out without it being the entire party. But! Things got better when I went on meds. We were better! But then he came out to all of us like two weeks ago and that just kinda screwed everything up. I started to overthink like every interaction we’ve ever had because we had been so close this year, touchy and stuff. And I was kinda hurt that he hadn’t told me first or at least talked about it.”
”Yeah, yeah I get it.” Nancy didn't get it, but she was trying so that counts.
”I didn't really start to think I was like him until this party, the one I was driving home from when I got into my accident. I saw him making out with this guy Chance and I got super jealous, he was also making direct contact with me during the whole thing and it just got me all mixed up and then I crashed while having a panic attack..”
”Shit, Mike. You’ve had a rough few weeks. C’mere” She opened her arms wide for a hug. When I heard loud stomping up the stairs.
I didn't want to tell her about Will’s self harm. That wasn’t my secret to share, especially If he wasn’t willing to tell me or Max.
”Nancy?!” It was Holly, she must’ve just gotten home from a sleepover since it was already 1pm.
”In here!” Nancy yelled towards the door.
I turned and scrambled to wipe away the last of the tears that remained on my cheeks. I finally faced the floor when Holly stormed in.
”Nancy!!!” She squealed and ran to Nancy for a hug.
”Hey Mike, We’re you just crying? Did you and Will break up out something?” She said dead serious.
”What?!” Me and Nancy said at the same time. She looked at me and laughed quietly.
”Jesus Mike. I was joking… But seriously, Mom said you had something to tell me. What is it?”
”Oh shit..” I was taken aback by her bluntness, I dint know how to explain it to her after her snide comment.
”Umm—“
”Are you gay for Will?” She spoke again with an excited look, too excited.
”She gotchu,” Nancy said laughing and elbowing me in the side. I glared at Nancy for revealing my secret. She immediately covered her mouth in guilt.
”OMG! Are you guys dating?” Holly spoke as if this was the best thing that had happened to her.
I tried to speak but she spat out, “Cooool, I’ve always wanted a gay brother.”
I let out a disbelieving laugh and shook my head sarcastically. She immediately noticed my expression and hugged me tight. Soon Nancy had joined the hug. I’m so loved my these people, I’m so thankful…
”I love you guys..” I cried a little, but happy tears this time.
Yes Nancy is distant, and yes, Holly is 12 and sometimes really fucking annoying. But, they’re family and they’ll support me and love me unconditionally. And that’s all that matters right now. Besides Will. Besides us.
The rest of the day was a mix of many different emotions and many times resulting in me being held by Nancy. By 5, us and Holly were cuddled up on the couch watching the outsiders. Nancy said it’s good to cry so she chose it. We did all end up crying by the end, even though I’ve watched it a hundred times. This time it hit harder. I saw the party, I saw me and Will. I saw and I cried. I cried so hard the rest of the night. I knew myself and that was scary. But I knew I couldn’t stop it anymore, I didn’t want to, I wanted Will to know that. Everything…
⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ᧔ෆ᧓ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔
The accident was Friday, I was in the hospital all Saturday, then I came out to my family on Sunday. It was a particularly eventful weekend for May. But hey, at least I know what I’m writing my college essay about.
I woke up early Monday, I actually couldn’t sleep and was rudely woken up by another nightmare of the crash. Or my heart failing, something of that sort. I woke up and laid in my bed staring at the ceiling for a solid twenty minutes before grabbing headphones to listen to my music. I forgot to take them off and woke up to my sad playlist. Which didn’t help my situation of trying to be happy. I finally got up and switched my playlist. I got my car back that night so I had to bike to school. I left extra early so I could ride with Max. I would’ve texted her to apologize but I thought she deserved to hear it in person.
I got to her trailer and let my bike fall to the grass. I got up and raised my hand to know but was interrupted by Max violently opening the door. She stopped in her tracks when she saw me. She was frozen standing in the doorway.
“…Hey Max” I spoke softly, hoping she would let me explain myself.
“Why are you-“
I cut in, “I told them!”
“Will?!” She said shocked.
“No, my family. I told them I like boys. They handled it well.” I looked down at my beat up shoes.
She didn’t respond right away, she just pulled me into a suffocating hug. She pushed her head into the space between my neck and chest, and cried. Her hands were gripping my back so hard I thought I would get more bruises than I already have. She shook every time she tried to breathe in, but the tears were stopping her. I know that feeling well now.
“Mike… I’m so proud and I’m so sorry I ran away. I-I’m glad you could tell them. And I’m sorry if I forced you to tell me, I’m sorry if you weren’t ready to admit anything. I’m sorry… I was scared for you. So so scared, Mike.”
I pulled her away from me but kept a firm grip on her shoulders to steady her.
“Max, I’m the one who should be sorry. You didn’t force anything out of me, I-I just freaked out when I realized it. I didn’t even say it, I just thought it. I’ve been treating everyone like shit. And what I did-how I acted wasn’t okay. You shouldn’t be the one apologizing. I should.”
“No! You shouldn’t have to apologize either. It’s unfair. You shouldn’t be so worried about what people will say. Ugh! I hate our small conservative town. I can’t wait for college…”
“If you accept my apology I’ll accept yours. Okay.” I suggested.
She wiped her tears and smiled at me.
“Fine, apology accepted.”
“Apology accepted.” I repeated and nodded. I pulled Max back into a final hug.
We rode to school in silence. Only broken once.
“Max?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m gonna talk to Will today. I’ve decided. I can’t keep being scared.”
“I think that’s a great idea…”
She seemed out of it, tired. I could sympathize.
School was weird. I saw Chance and Will talking up against the lockers. Chance had his hand planted besides Will head, pinning him to the wall. I could tell by Will’s eyes he was uncomfortable. But he was trying to look into it. Our eyes met, his looked like a cry for help. But I couldn’t do anything. It was like the party. I was frozen in an A-line strut to class. I wanted to walk over there and punch Chance but again, I was too scared.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do Will, talking to him about feelings.
I skipped art, our only class together. I knew if I was there I wouldn’t be able to avoid my feelings and I would do something stupid. So, I went out back to smoke. I needed to. I hadn’t done it all weekend because Nancy was there. She would know I stole them from her room, and gotten hella mad about it. I didn’t want to ruin it. But, she left last night.
I sat down and lit the cigarette. I sat there for at least thirty minutes trying not to regret my decision. Trying to be okay. Trying to tell myself I didn't give up, I just need more time to not be okay.
Then the last bell rang. It kept ringing-echoing in my head, whispering my regrets. My secrets. I remembered Will sometimes stays at art after school if he’s working on something. I prayed he was still there as I raced down the hallway and up the stairs. He was.
He was standing with his back towards the door with his wired earbuds in. His sleeves were rolled up again, to avoid paint stains. Even though they had paint on them anyway. I walked up behind him shamelessly, it’s not like he could hear me anyway. He was muttering the words to whatever song was playing loudly in his ears. I could even hear it across the room. I stood behind him, peering over his shoulders at what he was painting, when his arm caught my gaze again. I was in a trance, when he spoke.
“You're smoking again.”
He kept his eyes on the canvas and continued painting as if he never noticed me, but he did. Has he known I’ve been standing here?
“You’re cutting again.”
I pulled my hand up to his arm and held where the cuts were. His whole body froze, he stopped painting but he still didn’t look at me.
“You told me you stopped.”
He jolted around and quickly swiped the paintbrush across my face. Leaving a mix of pink and orange smears. All I could do was look at his lips, trying to tell myself I didn’t want it, him.
“I did stop. For your information.” His face looked smug, he pulled his sleeves down and crossed his shoulders. I was taken aback, but just laughed it off. Even though it still hurt the black eye I still had from the crash Friday.
“If that’s how you want to play, fine. Let’s play.” I’ll play into this if it means avoiding the elephant in the room.
I turn and reach my hand into the small can of yellow paint on the cart beside us. I hesitate for a sending before Will nods. I take my hand and gently slap him across the face. His hand immediately holds his cheek.
“Mike!”
I didn’t reply, I just laughed.
Will took paint too. Spread it against my shirt and hair. I felt him feeling my curls, swirling them in his fingers. Then pulling them down to my chest.
“Hey! This is my favorite shirt,”
“Too bad!” He giggled, which made my heart skip a beat. He looked up at me, and continued.
I tried to back up but, he took a few steps back first and held his hands up.
“Your turn.” He nodded and glanced at the paint cans again.
I grabbed the can of blue paint and a brush. I stuck it in and started splashing him with it.
“AHHH!” Will screamed and held his arms in front of his face. He turned so he wasn’t facing me. He just stood there letting me splash him in blue then yellow paint. I slowly walked closer to him.Before I knew it we were inches apart.
“Are you done yet?” He said sarcastically, turning around. Quickly realizing we were closer than we have been in months.
He pulled me into a hug. It was strange, yet so familiar. I stood there for a second before hugging him back. I didn’t care about getting paint on me anymore. I just held him. I missed this. I missed us.
He pulled out of the hug and stuck his hand in every color paint there was on the cart. He smeared it all over my chest with both hands. My heart was beating out of my chest. He just stood there with his hands roaming all over me. I couldn’t help but let my mind wonder what could happen next. I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to taste his lips, even if it was just this once. I pushed a few steps back onto a wall
“Will?” I said, grabbing his cheeks to make sure he’s looking at me.
“Yeah?”
“I’m about to do something really stupid. Okay?”
“Mike, you are stupi-“
“Fuck it.” I whispered, cutting him off. Before pulling him into a kiss. His mouth was warm and his lips tasted like cherries. Sweet cherries. It got deeper quickly. Like we’ve both been yearning for this. His hand reached under the hem of my shirt. My unbroken hand reached into the hair on the back of his neck. Soon our tongues met. I finally got what I needed, him. And it felt right. Until we stopped for a moment, we were both breathing heavily. His hazel eyes looked perfect staring into mine. I spoke,
“I wish you were a girl” I whispered, my head hanging low, rested on his shoulder.
“What?”
“No-“
“No, Mike. I’m done.” He shoved me to the side, grabbed his bag from the table, and stormed out.
“Shit!” I fell back onto the wall and sighed. I dug my hands into my scalp and pulled my hair. My eyes shut. I didn’t know if I ever wanted them to open again.
I’m fucked up…
CHAPTER 4: Time, mystical time
~Mike’s POV~
“STOP!” I pleaded. pushing my mom away as she attempted to hold me still.
“Stop trying to calm me down!”
“WHY SHOULD I? YOUR DESTROYING EVERYTHING AND FOR WHAT?”
“You don’t get it mom…” I cut in, shrinking in my skin, wiping tears off my cheek. My words came out deep and low.
“No, I don’t, I don’t get why you're destroying yourself. Shrinking down into nothing. Why are you doing this to yourself, Mike? Seriously tell me the truth..” she took a step forward and I took a step back.
“Mom, you don't get it..” I repeated, shaking my head with my eyes closed.
My mom sat down on my bed and held her head in her hands.
“What have I done..” She muttered under her breath.
It wasn’t about her, it's never been about her. Why can’t she see that for once. That she’s not the root of everyone’s problems. And doesn't see that other people can have problems. She’s so selfish and narcissistic.
“NOTHING MOM, YOU HAVE DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME BUT MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I’M GOING CRAZY!” My eyes flash red as I scream.
”You keep sending me photos of me when I was “happy” and packing me old shirts thinking that it’ll make me realize something. You're not helping me, actually you're just making it worse.” I glared at her and spoke through my teeth
Karen stands up slowly and grabs my cast and kisses it. I push her off immediately and she stumbles back falling onto my bed. I turn around and punch my wall. I can't control it anymore, and I can't keep acting like everything’s fine. When it's not, it hasn’t been fine for a long time. I can’t just keep everything in anymore. I need the anger..
My mom gets up and stares at me with tears in her eyes. I don't feel bad. She slams the door as she walks out but I catch it and hold it open. She turns around with pure horror on her face. She runs downstairs into my dads arms.
”YEAH LEAVE!” I scream at the top of my lungs before slamming the door with all my strength. The anger burned in my skull and behind my eyes. I dug through the mess that was my room for a lighter and a cigarette. I found them under a pile of notebooks. Yes! I leaned against the door and slid down into a fetal position. I lit the cigarette and took a hit. I felt a wave of relief while blowing smoke all over my room. After a few minutes I noticed the quiet sobs coming from the dining room.
“I just don't know what is happening and I don't know how to help him.” Sniffling and reassurance came after that. I finally took a break and set the cigarette down beside me. I leaned my head back on the door. I have to go down there… I need them to understand…
I got up and threw the cig on the floor and walked downstairs quietly. My parents' eyes quickly met mine as I entered the dining room. My mom quickly wiped her tears
”Hey sweetie…” My mom said with a glimpse of hope flashing in her eyes.
”Hey mom, dad. I think I owe you guys an explanation,” They nod and gesture for me to sit, “For a long time I didn't know what was going on with me and I was angry, like very angry. And it just made it worse when I was reminded of when I was better, I don't know.” I take a deep breath, avoiding eye contact.
”Is that it?” My mom cut in.
”I think I’m gay!” I blurt out. I couldn't take it any longer. But even I was shocked that I was able to say it.
“This is the first time I’ve said it out loud, but anyways-” I get cut off.
”Oh Micheal…” My mom speaks gently and takes my hand. My dad is standing above her, his hands on her shoulders, firm.
”It has just been hard to do anything, when there’s just a constant noise in your head saying that you're wrong and disgusting all the time.”
”Son, your not disgusting—“ My dad cut in.
”Didnt Will just come out?” My mom, spoke softly
Shit.
My moms onto me.
”Uhh-yeah! He did…” The words caught in my throat as I tried to seem normal.
”Are you two?…a thing?” She questions.
”Oh, no we aren’t. I didn't even know he was gay until he told me-but anyways,” I had to cut that conversation short. Stop it, somehow.
”I didn't want to tell you what was going on because I didn't think you’d understand- because if I didn't understand what I was feeling how could you? I regret that. It’s just- It was… hard. And I used to get really angry and then the meds came and they didn't work. It just always feels like the anger is bubbling and sometimes spills out of my mouth or actions, or whatever… I’m sorry about earlier. Everything just happened in seconds and it was just hard to stop it all from coming out.” I took a breath and continued.
“I think that had to happen, I needed to let my anger out, and I just feel like—lighter… Y’know?”
”Son, you need to apologize to that girl that was there.” My dad said sternly.
”Max, shit!” I covered my mouth, “Sorry…”
”I missed my son, you know. You’ve been different, less yourself and I hope that things can get better now that you know you're not alone and know that we're always here for you.” My dad has always been the silent supporter type. He doesn't like feelings and tries to avoid them at all cost. He hated it when I cried as a kid, always telling men to toughen up. Maybe that’s what it was, The guilt…
“Thanks dad, sorry.” I wiped a tear from my cheek as I stared down at my hands in my lap.
”You know son, when you go to college, you still need protection.”
”Jesus dad, I know!”
We talked a little more before I went back upstairs to clean my room. Nancy had planned to come home from college that day for the weekend. And I guess my parents had told her to talk to me. I heard her come up the stairs, she didn’t knock and just came right in.
”It looks like a pigsty in here…” She gasped, “Your face, it's all bruised up!” She said as she stepped over piles of books and clothes. Then walked up to me and held my cheek in her hands then sat down on my bed and looked at me, really looked at me.
“Talk to me, Mike. I know I haven’t been here but mom said that you needed me, I really regret not being here more and I’m sorry…” Nancy spoke softly, regret filled her words.
I drop the clothes onto the floor and sit beside her on my bed. “It’s not your fault, I know. Life has just been weird.”
”What is it Mike?” She placed her hand on my thigh, holding my hands still from fidgeting with the string of my sweatpants.
“Okay im telling you this because I trust you, more than mom and dad. I told them part of it. Just not the whole thing because it's nothing yet.” I took a few deep breaths and wondered how to word it.
“Okay…”
”I’m gay or bi or whatever, I don't know” I held my head in my hands. Why was it harder to tell Nancy? I just missed her so much…
”Mike, I love you. You know that right? Nothing will change how I feel about you, you’re my brother.” She held me in her lap while I cried silently, only interrupted by her reassurance.
”It’s okay, Mike. Everything’s gonna be okay.” It takes everything to not cry more every time she speaks. Her words have always seemed to make everything okay. With her being at college and Holly being only 12 and all. I’ve kind of felt alone the past few years.
”Thank you Nance. I’ve needed you. I’m not doing so well.” The words caught in my throat.
”Tell me everything.” We switched positions so now we were both fully on my bed facing each other, legs crossed.
”Okay so, I told mom and dad what I already told you but that’s not all of it…” She nodded and I continued.
”The past few months Will has been acting kinda weird—” I started to explain before being cut off.
”So it is about Will…” She knew, Shit! But, there’s no more hiding it anymore…
”Yeah, it is, I think I’m in love with him…” I looked up and met her eyes, they were glassy and her whole face read proud.
“I know…” She nodded.
“What? How—“
”You two have always been especially close. Even in the party, you two have always navigated to each other. I think it's always been love.” She emphasized love with her eyes, giving me a knowing look.
”Seriously? Cause’ I didn't realize it was love until the day of my accident.”
”You’ve always loved him right?”
”Yeah, he’s my best friend." I realized in that moment, the feeling has been there all along, just invisible.
”You just realized that you were in love with him, there’s a difference.” She spoke it like it was the only thing that mattered.
”It’s just weird, Y'know? But anyways, Will had been acting off so I tried to be there for him and spend like extra time with him and stuff, then I found out I had Diabetes and when that happened I’m pretty sure it like traumatized him or something, I passed out in school and it was only will there until Max came and he had to leave. But the next few days he visited me in the hospital to make up for it, he spent every second of the day with me when he wasn’t in school. That was probably the last time we were ‘good’.”
”So what happened?” She leaned in and reached for my hands again. I hadn’t realized it but I had been digging my nails into my palms. I looked down to see her thumbs rubbing over my knuckles and smiled.
”I don’t really know, I just got really angry and would crash out a lot especially at Will when we hung out, just us. So I started to distance myself because I felt so bad. But then we almost never hung out without it being the entire party. But! Things got better when I went on meds. We were better! But then he came out to all of us like two weeks ago and that just kinda screwed everything up. I started to overthink like every interaction we’ve ever had because we had been so close this year, touchy and stuff. And I was kinda hurt that he hadn’t told me first or at least talked about it.”
”Yeah, yeah I get it.” Nancy didn't get it, but she was trying so that counts.
”I didn't really start to think I was like him until this party, the one I was driving home from when I got into my accident. I saw him making out with this guy Chance and I got super jealous, he was also making direct contact with me during the whole thing and it just got me all mixed up and then I crashed while having a panic attack..”
”Shit, Mike. You’ve had a rough few weeks. C’mere” She opened her arms wide for a hug. When I heard loud stomping up the stairs.
I didn't want to tell her about Will’s self harm. That wasn’t my secret to share, especially If he wasn’t willing to tell me or Max.
”Nancy?!” It was Holly, she must’ve just gotten home from a sleepover since it was already 1pm.
”In here!” Nancy yelled towards the door.
I turned and scrambled to wipe away the last of the tears that remained on my cheeks. I finally faced the floor when Holly stormed in.
”Nancy!!!” She squealed and ran to Nancy for a hug.
”Hey Mike, We’re you just crying? Did you and Will break up out something?” She said dead serious.
”What?!” Me and Nancy said at the same time. She looked at me and laughed quietly.
”Jesus Mike. I was joking… But seriously, Mom said you had something to tell me. What is it?”
”Oh shit..” I was taken aback by her bluntness, I dint know how to explain it to her after her snide comment.
”Umm—“
”Are you gay for Will?” She spoke again with an excited look, too excited.
”She gotchu,” Nancy said laughing and elbowing me in the side. I glared at Nancy for revealing my secret. She immediately covered her mouth in guilt.
”OMG! Are you guys dating?” Holly spoke as if this was the best thing that had happened to her.
I tried to speak but she spat out, “Cooool, I’ve always wanted a gay brother.”
I let out a disbelieving laugh and shook my head sarcastically. She immediately noticed my expression and hugged me tight. Soon Nancy had joined the hug. I’m so loved my these people, I’m so thankful…
”I love you guys..” I cried a little, but happy tears this time.
Yes Nancy is distant, and yes, Holly is 12 and sometimes really fucking annoying. But, they’re family and they’ll support me and love me unconditionally. And that’s all that matters right now. Besides Will. Besides us.
The rest of the day was a mix of many different emotions and many times resulting in me being held by Nancy. By 5, us and Holly were cuddled up on the couch watching the outsiders. Nancy said it’s good to cry so she chose it. We did all end up crying by the end, even though I’ve watched it a hundred times. This time it hit harder. I saw the party, I saw me and Will. I saw and I cried. I cried so hard the rest of the night. I knew myself and that was scary. But I knew I couldn’t stop it anymore, I didn’t want to, I wanted Will to know that. Everything…
⏔⏔⏔ ꒰ ᧔ෆ᧓ ꒱ ⏔⏔⏔
The accident was Friday, I was in the hospital all Saturday, then I came out to my family on Sunday. It was a particularly eventful weekend for May. But hey, at least I know what I’m writing my college essay about.
I woke up early Monday, I actually couldn’t sleep and was rudely woken up by another nightmare of the crash. Or my heart failing, something of that sort. I woke up and laid in my bed staring at the ceiling for a solid twenty minutes before grabbing headphones to listen to my music. I forgot to take them off and woke up to my sad playlist. Which didn’t help my situation of trying to be happy. I finally got up and switched my playlist. I got my car back that night so I had to bike to school. I left extra early so I could ride with Max. I would’ve texted her to apologize but I thought she deserved to hear it in person.
I got to her trailer and let my bike fall to the grass. I got up and raised my hand to know but was interrupted by Max violently opening the door. She stopped in her tracks when she saw me. She was frozen standing in the doorway.
“…Hey Max” I spoke softly, hoping she would let me explain myself.
“Why are you-“
I cut in, “I told them!”
“Will?!” She said shocked.
“No, my family. I told them I like boys. They handled it well.” I looked down at my beat up shoes.
She didn’t respond right away, she just pulled me into a suffocating hug. She pushed her head into the space between my neck and chest, and cried. Her hands were gripping my back so hard I thought I would get more bruises than I already have. She shook every time she tried to breathe in, but the tears were stopping her. I know that feeling well now.
“Mike… I’m so proud and I’m so sorry I ran away. I-I’m glad you could tell them. And I’m sorry if I forced you to tell me, I’m sorry if you weren’t ready to admit anything. I’m sorry… I was scared for you. So so scared, Mike.”
I pulled her away from me but kept a firm grip on her shoulders to steady her.
“Max, I’m the one who should be sorry. You didn’t force anything out of me, I-I just freaked out when I realized it. I didn’t even say it, I just thought it. I’ve been treating everyone like shit. And what I did-how I acted wasn’t okay. You shouldn’t be the one apologizing. I should.”
“No! You shouldn’t have to apologize either. It’s unfair. You shouldn’t be so worried about what people will say. Ugh! I hate our small conservative town. I can’t wait for college…”
“If you accept my apology I’ll accept yours. Okay.” I suggested.
She wiped her tears and smiled at me.
“Fine, apology accepted.”
“Apology accepted.” I repeated and nodded. I pulled Max back into a final hug.
We rode to school in silence. Only broken once.
“Max?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m gonna talk to Will today. I’ve decided. I can’t keep being scared.”
“I think that’s a great idea…”
She seemed out of it, tired. I could sympathize.
School was weird. I saw Chance and Will talking up against the lockers. Chance had his hand planted besides Will head, pinning him to the wall. I could tell by Will’s eyes he was uncomfortable. But he was trying to look into it. Our eyes met, his looked like a cry for help. But I couldn’t do anything. It was like the party. I was frozen in an A-line strut to class. I wanted to walk over there and punch Chance but again, I was too scared.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do Will, talking to him about feelings.
I skipped art, our only class together. I knew if I was there I wouldn’t be able to avoid my feelings and I would do something stupid. So, I went out back to smoke. I needed to. I hadn’t done it all weekend because Nancy was there. She would know I stole them from her room, and gotten hella mad about it. I didn’t want to ruin it. But, she left last night.
I sat down and lit the cigarette. I sat there for at least thirty minutes trying not to regret my decision. Trying to be okay. Trying to tell myself I didn't give up, I just need more time to not be okay.
Then the last bell rang. It kept ringing-echoing in my head, whispering my regrets. My secrets. I remembered Will sometimes stays at art after school if he’s working on something. I prayed he was still there as I raced down the hallway and up the stairs. He was.
He was standing with his back towards the door with his wired earbuds in. His sleeves were rolled up again, to avoid paint stains. Even though they had paint on them anyway. I walked up behind him shamelessly, it’s not like he could hear me anyway. He was muttering the words to whatever song was playing loudly in his ears. I could even hear it across the room. I stood behind him, peering over his shoulders at what he was painting, when his arm caught my gaze again. I was in a trance, when he spoke.
“You're smoking again.”
He kept his eyes on the canvas and continued painting as if he never noticed me, but he did. Has he known I’ve been standing here?
“You’re cutting again.”
I pulled my hand up to his arm and held where the cuts were. His whole body froze, he stopped painting but he still didn’t look at me.
“You told me you stopped.”
He jolted around and quickly swiped the paintbrush across my face. Leaving a mix of pink and orange smears. All I could do was look at his lips, trying to tell myself I didn’t want it, him.
“I did stop. For your information.” His face looked smug, he pulled his sleeves down and crossed his shoulders. I was taken aback, but just laughed it off. Even though it still hurt the black eye I still had from the crash Friday.
“If that’s how you want to play, fine. Let’s play.” I’ll play into this if it means avoiding the elephant in the room.
I turn and reach my hand into the small can of yellow paint on the cart beside us. I hesitate for a sending before Will nods. I take my hand and gently slap him across the face. His hand immediately holds his cheek.
“Mike!”
I didn’t reply, I just laughed.
Will took paint too. Spread it against my shirt and hair. I felt him feeling my curls, swirling them in his fingers. Then pulling them down to my chest.
“Hey! This is my favorite shirt,”
“Too bad!” He giggled, which made my heart skip a beat. He looked up at me, and continued.
I tried to back up but, he took a few steps back first and held his hands up.
“Your turn.” He nodded and glanced at the paint cans again.
I grabbed the can of blue paint and a brush. I stuck it in and started splashing him with it.
“AHHH!” Will screamed and held his arms in front of his face. He turned so he wasn’t facing me. He just stood there letting me splash him in blue then yellow paint. I slowly walked closer to him.Before I knew it we were inches apart.
“Are you done yet?” He said sarcastically, turning around. Quickly realizing we were closer than we have been in months.
He pulled me into a hug. It was strange, yet so familiar. I stood there for a second before hugging him back. I didn’t care about getting paint on me anymore. I just held him. I missed this. I missed us.
He pulled out of the hug and stuck his hand in every color paint there was on the cart. He smeared it all over my chest with both hands. My heart was beating out of my chest. He just stood there with his hands roaming all over me. I couldn’t help but let my mind wonder what could happen next. I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to taste his lips, even if it was just this once. I pushed a few steps back onto a wall
“Will?” I said, grabbing his cheeks to make sure he’s looking at me.
“Yeah?”
“I’m about to do something really stupid. Okay?”
“Mike, you are stupi-“
“Fuck it.” I whispered, cutting him off. Before pulling him into a kiss. His mouth was warm and his lips tasted like cherries. Sweet cherries. It got deeper quickly. Like we’ve both been yearning for this. His hand reached under the hem of my shirt. My unbroken hand reached into the hair on the back of his neck. Soon our tongues met. I finally got what I needed, him. And it felt right. Until we stopped for a moment, we were both breathing heavily. His hazel eyes looked perfect staring into mine. I spoke,
“I wish you were a girl” I whispered, my head hanging low, rested on his shoulder.
“What?”
“No-“
“No, Mike. I’m done.” He shoved me to the side, grabbed his bag from the table, and stormed out.
“Shit!” I fell back onto the wall and sighed. I dug my hands into my scalp and pulled my hair. My eyes shut. I didn’t know if I ever wanted them to open again.
I’m fucked up…