Chapter Text
Lu Guang wakes up with the reminder of Cheng Xiaoshi’s doom — he always does, but today is the actual day.
September 13th.
Perhaps today will be the last time, and he will actually live, and I will finally get to see him smile on September 14th.
Lu Guang knows it will not come true, but he can’t help from keeping his musings to himself. After all, thinking of unimaginable scenarios is better than hoping for them.
Hope is a funny little thing, and it rarely chooses Lu Guang to be blessed with.
So he throws the blanket off his body, climbs down the ladder of the bunk bed, and is about to start his daily motions when he notices Cheng Xiaoshi is not in his bed.
September 13th, 20XX at 7:49am, Cheng Xiaoshi is asleep.
September 13th the following year at 7:51am; I woke up a few minutes late but Cheng Xiaoshi was still sleeping.
He’s always been asleep between 7-8am.
Lu Guang feels panic bubble up in his stomach that threatens to spew all over the floor. He puts his hand on Cheng Xiaoshi’s mattress and feels it is cold.
He hasn’t been in bed for a while.
A cold wave that he recognizes as fear crashes into him and pulls him under.
There’s no way it could’ve already happened… right?
In a daze, he all but runs down the stairs, the need to see Cheng Xiaoshi overriding the sensible side of his brain yelling “You need to be alive to save him!”. He ends up skipping a few steps and falling flat on his ass on the first floor. He then hears a bright laugh, one that he would recognize in any moment of every lifetime.
Cheng Xiaoshi.
Lu Guang can’t help the sight of relief that escapes him. He glances up at Cheng Xiaoshi, who made his way over from the couch and now hovers over him.
“What’s got you in a hurry this early in the morning?” Cheng Xiaoshi teases, eyes swirling with mirth.
“Don’t worry about it,” Lu Guang replies smoothly, and grabs the hand Cheng Xiaoshi gives him to be helped up. It’s calloused and warm and so, so alive. Lu Guang reluctantly lets go and heads to the kitchen to get back on track with the schedule. He knows all too well how the day unfolds: he makes tea for the both of them (Cheng Xiaoshi spills a bit on his shirt), he sits on the couch to read his book (Cheng Xiaoshi takes care of the one customer they get that day), they get lunch (without boba, much to Cheng Xiaoshi’s dismay), then dinner, then at night Cheng Xiaoshi—
As he fills the kettle with water, Cheng Xiaoshi joins him in the kitchen. He stands there deep in thought, just staring at Lu Guang, until he asks, “Why did you kiss me last night?”
That’s one of the things he both admires and dislikes about Cheng Xiaoshi — he always demands for answers.
Lu Guang stares at the floor, silently wishing the floor will swallow him up.
Do we have to do this now?
The thing is, Lu Guang has gotten so good with hiding his emotions and intentions after going back in time for so long. He could feign ignorance, and instead tease Cheng Xiaoshi about lewd thoughts and dreams. He could vehemently deny it, and watch as the day unfold until Cheng Xiaoshi is dead at his feet once again and his blood staining his hands once again and, and—
The kettle overflows with water and Lu Guang hurriedly turns off the water tap and starts to boil it, simultaneously stalling and calming himself down.
He’s already made up his mind when he turns around to look Cheng Xiaoshi in the eye. He just doesn’t know how much to tell him. It’s silent for what feels like forever and Cheng Xiaoshi waits ever so patiently. He settles for the simplest yet most complex answer, one that he has never said aloud—
His mouth opens and shapes the word ‘I’m’ when Qiao Ling opens the door with a loud burst, “I got you guys a new customer!”
Lu Guang has never loved and loathed Qiao Ling more.
The water has boiled all the way down which means no tea and no tea stain on Cheng Xiaoshi’s shirt and their last customer has already arrived and Lu Guang hasn’t even opened his book to page 135 and—
This day is going so incredibly wrong that Lu Guang doesn’t know how to feel about it.
Cheng Xiaoshi immediately perks up and bounds over to them. Lu Guang hears them faintly chatter about the commission as he drags his feet over to the living room. He sits on the couch and opens his book.
It’s already 8:36am.
Cheng Xiaoshi should finish the photos printed and copied by around 11am. Then they would get lunch (maybe with boba, as it doesn’t matter if they get it or not as he’s already screwed the day and maybe, just maybe, he wants to see Cheng Xiaoshi’s smile again. Is that so wrong?), then laze around before dinner and Lu Guang would have to start all over again.
Lu Guang hears the jingle of the bell as the client leaves and Cheng Xiaoshi walks over to him. He sits down next to him, and Lu Guang feels the heat radiating from Cheng Xiaoshi’s body. He can’t help but think: he’s alive, oh he’s so alive.
Before Cheng Xiaoshi can say anything, Lu Guang opens his mouth — even though he already knows — and asks, “Is it that kind of job?”
”No,” Cheng Xiaoshi replies, “Just a print job, I’ll be spending a long time in the red room.”
You’ll spend forever in the red room, Lu Guang thinks.
It’s silent for a bit when both of them open their mouths at the same time.
“Are you going to answer—“
”I’m in love—“
They both pause as they stare at each other, one in horror and the other in shock.
“…Lu Guang, finish your sentence.”
And Lu Guang, if not anything other than hopelessly in love, does exactly what Cheng Xiaoshi asks of him.
“I’m in love with you,” the words even more devastating on this exact day in such a casual moment before everything went wrong.
Cheng Xiaoshi smiles, a shining and vivid thing, and asks, “What was all that fuss yesterday about?”
”You don’t get it,” Lu Guang says, shaking his head, “You don’t love me.”
His smile immediately disappears and Lu Guang never regrets anything more than being the reason behind it.
“How do you know how I feel?” he says calmly, as if trying to coax the answer out of him. He’s so gentle and bright, unlike Lu Guang’s cool and unattached demeanor (to all except Cheng Xiaoshi, of course).
“I love you,” he repeats again as a reassurance, “I’ll say it as many times till you believe me.”
“How?” Lu Guang demands.
“How many times?”
”No, how do you love me?”
”Romantically”, Cheng Xiaoshi replies quizzically.
“I meant how did you fall in love with me?” he demanded again, because—
because he needs to prevent this from happening, prevent Cheng Xiaoshi from falling in love with him (even though it's one of two things that he’s ever wanted in his whole life, that he’ll ever want in any life)
”Is it something I did?” Lu Guang continues, “Something I said? Is it the way I dress? The way I look? Please, Cheng Xiaoshi, I need to know. I need—“ I need to stop this.
Lu Guang shifts through his mess of a brain, trying to remember what had happened in this timeline that differed from another. He leafs through every single moment, every single interaction with him that could have led to this ending.
Cheng Xiaoshi frowns heavily, “No, Lu Guang. You didn’t do anything, not anything you can control, anyways. I’ve always loved you, back when we were college students and back when we played basketball together.”
A meteor could’ve hit the Earth and that still wouldn’t compare to the devastation he feels after those words.
I’ve always loved you ricochets around his brain.
Cheng Xiaoshi has always loved me. Cheng Xiaoshi has always loved me. Cheng Xiaoshi has always loved me. Cheng Xiaoshi has always—
“— Loved me?” his voice cracks so he clears his throat and tries again:
“You love me?”
”You’re finally getting it.” Cheng Xiaoshi says teasingly, the smile Lu Guang loves oh-so-much returning once again. He shifts closer, and Lu Guang automatically leans back. Cheng Xiaoshi grabs ahold of his hand and kisses the back of it, and Lu Guang can’t do anything but stare and feel — Cheng Xiaoshi’s soft, fluffy hair falling over his eyes as he tilts his head down, and the way his lips pout before he puckers them, and the way his long and thin fingers hold his hands in such a gentle manner like he does love Lu Guang the way he says he does and, and —
And then he trails his lips down to his fingers, leaving pecks one by one until he starts to travel up his arm. Lu Guang withstands it until he reaches his elbow, and pulls away.
“You should start working on that commission,” Lu Guang states after a moment of silence that would’ve stretched on forever.
“You always do this, Lu Guang,” Cheng Xiaoshi sighs. It’s not an accusing tone, but an informative one; a statement. He says it as if he knows Lu Guang like he knows himself and Lu Guang grieves again.
Cheng Xiaoshi approaches him again, and this time, Lu Guang doesn’t pull away. He stays still, too weak to fight against his selfish want for Cheng Xiaoshi and Cheng Xiaoshi himself.
He softly puts his hand on Lu Guang’s jaw and turns his face towards him until they are face to face with their noses just slightly touching.
“You always pull away, you always give up before you even give yourself a chance.”
When have I ever given up with anything that relates to you?
Lu Guang stays silent, not willing to voice this thought out loud. It would be too little, and too late for him to say that. Not on this day, and not ever.
“Don’t pull away this time, Lu Guang,” Cheng Xiaoshi murmurs as he comes closer, noses actually touching and just so, so close that he’s basically breathing him in—
This time it’s Cheng Xiaoshi who kisses him, and Lu Guang lets him, having given up. He gave up a long time ago, when Cheng Xiaoshi sat on the couch. No, scratch that, he’d given up last night when he broke his vow and completed his selfish desire.
His lips are soft against his own, and he feels himself tremble under the wonder and torment of it all. As a result, Cheng Xiaoshi cups his cheek fully with one hand, and trails his other hand down Lu Guang’s body until it rests on his waist. He feels Cheng Xiaoshi’s love and feels like crying.
Lu Guang can’t help it, he’s hitting the drug that is Cheng Xiaoshi and he needs more. You have to be addicted first to be able to relapse.
He pushes himself closer until he’s practically sitting on Cheng Xiaoshi’s lap. Cheng Xiaoshi takes this as permission to lick his mouth open, and all at once they’re all over each other. Hands roaming up and down Lu Guang’s back as Lu Guang holds Cheng Xiaoshi by the neck. It’s hot now, and Lu Guang desperately wants more. The rough tongue licking into his mouth as Cheng Xiaoshi kisses him again and again makes him dizzy.
I want to be closer, Lu Guang belatedly realizes. He wants to enter Cheng Xiaoshi and mold himself so that they’ll never separate, both living together as one.
He wants that, but he wants Cheng Xiaoshi alive more. So, he regretfully wrenches himself away from Cheng Xiaoshi’s soft lips and even softer but somehow firm grasp on his waist, and peels himself off Cheng Xiaoshi. And before he can even react by pulling him back, Lu Guang is up and out the door, hearing the store bell jingle on his hurried departure.
When he hears the bell jingle as the door opens again, Lu Guang starts sprinting down the road. He hears a faint “Lu Guang!” call after him, but he can’t bear to look behind him.
He runs for what feels like an eternity when he ends up at the river where they had one of their commissions. He sits down on a lone bench as he contemplates if going back in time for this is worth it.
But what if this time is it?
He hears the cars zoom past behind him, making a calm background noise as he wonders when Cheng Xiaoshi will find him.
It’s not a long time.
He hears the screeching of tires first, and then a scream of a pedestrian. He then registers that he heard a familiar voice before that.
Cheng Xiaoshi
He launches up from his seat and whips his head around, begging please don’t be what I think it is, please.
Nothing ever goes Lu Guang’s way, no matter how hard he begs.
Cheng Xiaoshi lies on the road nowhere near a crosswalk as a halo of blood surrounds his head and everywhere else. The car speeds away, and Lu Guang thinks he sees a familiar shade of red hair in the driver’s seat. He hopes it wasn’t him, but when is it not.
“Cheng Xiaoshi!” he yells, hurrying over to where he lay. He vaguely registers the people around him shouting for an ambulance, but he has no room to pay them any mind.
“Cheng Xiaoshi? Cheng Xiaoshi, wake up,” he pleads, weakly slapping his cheek. It’s not cold yet, but it could be very soon.
Cheng Xiaoshi is unresponsive.
“How did this even happen? Why would you be in the middle of the street—“ he cuts himself off, knowing the answer already.
I caused this.
Yes, Cheng Xiaoshi has died because of him every single time, but this time it’s different. This time, Cheng Xiaoshi endangered himself because Lu Guang ran away.
He was chasing after Lu Guang, and then he got hurt.
He hears the sirens in the background as the blood stains his shirt and darkens his hands yet again.
No, no not again, why did this happen again?
He’s losing it, and he doesn’t realize that the emergency responders are coming through the crowd. One of them clasps his shoulder, and he barely hears him say “You need to let go.”
No, I won’t let go. I can’t.
When they pry Cheng Xiaoshi’s body that’s rapidly losing heat, he rips out a sound out his throat that’s too akin to a rabid animal and starts trying to pry his body out of their arms. The responders have to hold him back as his Cheng Xiaoshi is carried away on a stretcher.
“He’s safe, okay? We’ll get him to the hospital as quickly as possible,” one of them says, trying to get Lu Guang to calm down.
“No, no you don’t understand. He’s dead, he’s dead and I killed him. I’m the reason he’s dead,” Lu Guang despairs, “He died because of me.”
The two emergency responders give each other a look, and let go once they’ve noticed Lu Guang has calmed down. They ask the crowd what happened, as they’ve realized that Lu Guang is too out of sorts to cooperate.
He watches in anguish as the ambulance drives away as he thinks I’ve failed again.
He doesn’t know how, but he gains some sort of consciousness on a chair outside of a hospital room. He hears operation beeps and doctors murmuring as they perform what Lu Guang assumes is surgery.
He jumps out of his chair and peeks through the window on the door.
The doctors are wearing masks, but he can see the panic and resignation in their eyes. He hears it faintly, and can see the lips form:
”Time of death, September 13th, 23:11pm.”
He sinks down to his knees as his back hits the door. The two things that stay consistent are that Cheng Xiaoshi dies, and he dies at 11:11.
He sinks down to his knees as his back hits the door. The two things that stay consistent are that Cheng Xiaoshi dies, and he dies at 11:11.
So he waits, as he always does, till 00:05am.
I’m sorry that I’ve failed you again.
Maybe it’ll be next time, or not. It doesn’t matter to Lu Guang. He’ll go through every single photo, tug every single red string, ruin lives till he gets Cheng Xiaoshi back.
All that matters is that Cheng Xiaoshi will live.
Lu Guang resets his watch and for, once again, claps his hands.