Chapter Text
Already, Peter was running into issues with his plan. partially due to his lack of a working microwave.
Mostly his lack of money. He could barely feed himself. Now his main source of food making was broken, and he had to feed another person.
"Do you think $40 could get me a new microwave?" Peter muttered, looking through the spare change he had in his wallet.
"Maybe at like a thrift store," Wade said from his cardboard box.
"Ok, let's try that. And get you some clothes while we are there."
"Yay! Shopping spree!!" Wade yelled as Peter picked the smaller man up.
"I only have $40, it's not much of a shopping spree."
Peter tucked Wade into the pocket of his jacket, and they made their journey out into the world.
"Ooh, there's some good stuff in there!"
"The Barbie clothes?"
"Yes, the Barbie clothes. What are you? Prejudiced-Parker, god forbid a man wants to sparkle."
"Ok, ok, we are taking the Barbie clothes," Peter said, tucking it under his arm.
"Ooooooh, please, please, please, can I get the Barbie dream house?" Wade begged.
"Do I look like I have Barbie dream house money?"
"I have Barbie dream house money," Wade muttered to himself.
"Yeah, right," Peter scoffed, "you probably also have Monopoly money, too bad they don't take that here."
"No, like actual money."
"When I found you, you were naked. There's no way you have any money. You couldn't even fit a penny up your ass."
One of the employees gave Peter a weird look as they walked by. And Wade quietly laughed at Peter's expense.
"Great, now they think I'm insane," Peter muttered.
"Just take your phone out and pretend to be on a call with me. Trust me, it works wonders. That or just commit to being insane. I mean it is New York."
Peter pulled out his phone and put it to his ear. "So, the money that you supposedly have. Where is it?" He said, making direct eye contact with Wade, who was leaning up against the shelf.
"Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy?"
"Old reference, it's sounding like you don't really want the Barbie dream house after all."
"Ok, ok, it's with a friend, he has access to my offshore accounts. Trust me Pete, I have Barbie dream house money like you wouldn't believe Or at least I should if that bastard didn't spend it all."
The bar was dark and surprisingly crowded with people, considering how early it was. Peter's spider sense tingled in the back of his head. Even in the dim lighting, he recognized a few of his rogues' gallery. Clearly off duty, but still enough to buzz as a threat, as many villainous eyes snapped in his direction. And Peter felt frozen on the spot.
"You lost?" The bartender yelled his way.
"No. Uh, I, er."
"He's with me!" Squeaked the tiny voice from his pocket. And Peter moved closer to the bar. Pulling the small man from his pocket and letting him direct the conversation while standing on the bar top.
"Wade?!" The bartender said. "I thought the Avengers put you away for good."
"They tried to, but nothing can keep the old Deadpool down. Now you better not have closed any of my accounts. I need Barbie Dream House money."
"You sure you don't need Polly-pocket money?"
"Now's not the time for height jokes, Weasel. Hand over the funds."
"How much you need?"
"Let's say 5 for now."
"I think we might need more than that," Peter muttered.
"Yeah, you know what, you're right, make it an even 10."
"Not quite what I was thinking." Peter sighed.
"Damn, where'd you get this stripper? They seem mad expensive," Weasle said.
Peter sputtered and turned red in the face.
"Not a stripper, even though he has the ass for it." Peter felt his face go even redder, "No, this man's my court-designated caretaker."
"Willingly?" Weasel asked.
"Well, I wouldn't say that…" Peter trailed off.
"He's learning to love me. Soon we will be inseparable." Wade said, clasping his hands and making a kissing face at Peter before turning back to the man behind the bar, "Now chop chop weasle, I want my money!"
Weasel came back holding what looked like a few takeout containers in a bag
"What?" Peter said, looking in the bag, confused until he caught a glance of the multitude of hundred-dollar bills through the clear lid of the container, and almost dropped the whole thing.
"Be careful with my precious Barbie bucks, sweetie, or I won't even give you a tip," Wade said.
"Right," Peter said, not really even hearing Deadpool in his mind, still reeling from the amount of money he now had in his hands.
"Onward, my noble steed!" Deadpool shouted, climbing onto Peter's shoulder and slapping his ass as if he was getting a horse to move. He pointed to the door. And Peter was happy to oblige, bringing the two of them out of the dank bar.
The trip to the Goodwill, then the Grocery store, then the pet store was honestly a daze. Peter had never gone shopping without having to do the mental math of how much he could spend. Hell, even buying the name-brand stuff was considered splurging. And here he was being told to throw in a shrimp platter and some artisan goat cheese, "Just for fun," as they checked out, Peter felt like he was going to throw up watching the total on the register get ever higher.
But then he handed over several hundred-dollar bills, and suddenly he could leave. He felt like he was somehow stealing.
If Wade hadn't given Peter the phone number of a taxi driver, a taxi driver who was strangely okay with waiting around for them, it would have been impossible to get all this stuff to his apartment. But with a bit of super strength, he managed to get everything into his small place.
He spent the rest of the day setting up Wade's jail cell. which was a glorified small-animal cage with a hammock and ramps leading up to different levels.
It took a long ass time for Peter to set up the cage and everything in it. Plus, Wade was no help at all, unless you count entertainment. As Peter worked on counting screws and staring at confusing instructions, Wade took it upon himself to try on every piece of Barbie clothing they had purchased and did a runway-style walk to show it off to Peter.
Most of it looked mad uncomfortable. The fabric was more plastic than cotton. But a few outfits seemed to work well. And others that left quite a bit to the imagination. Wade's commentary kept Peter entertained when he wanted to throw the screwdriver across the room.
Finally, he got the cage constructed and started working on the interior and all the 'furniture' Wade had insisted they purchase.
Peter had made a small area designated for the bathroom with a small cup and cardboard partitions to give the illusion of privacy. along with a small Bath & Body Works hand sanitizer that looked like it could last a lifetime in Wade's tiny hands. Of course, Wade insisted on getting a hamster wheel and one of those hanging hamster water bottles.
"Isn't this a little bit dehumanizing?" Peter asked.
"Don't tell me you've never wanted to drink out of one of these things. I mean, the convenience alone. Not having to use your hands. sounds like a dream come true."
"And the wheel?"
"Hamsters always look like they have so much fun in it. I want to understand what the hype is about. Oooh Ooh! Get me a hamster ball! Now that will be fun!"
Since Deadpool was the one paying, Peter put it in the cart.
The Barbie Dreamhouse was, of course, in the center of the cage, and Peter worked to fold paper clips into hangers to hang up Wade's now extensive clothes collection.
Of course, Deadpool was more than capable of breaking out of the cage. But it was the principle of the thing. Wade was technically Peter's prisoner, and the cage ensured Wade wouldn't get crushed under Peter's feet. Plus, Wade insisted.
"It's always been a dream of mine to live in one of these things." Wade had said as they passed the exotic bird area of the store. "I really just want to live that pampered pet life." Wade had told Peter that they spent over 2 grand on all the supplies. The cage is the biggest and most expensive one in the store.
Once Peter had finally finished setting everything up. When there was a familiar knock at his door.
"Peter! You'd better have that rent!"
"Shit," Peter said.
"Come on, we have enough," Wade said, looking at the remaining bag of money.
"That's yours!" Peter said, affronted.
"Just give it to him, or we both will be out on the streets."
"You'd probably like that." Peter shot back, yet he grabbed a handful of hundreds and went to answer the door.
"Peter, you'd better open up!"
Peter opened the door to the angry face of his landlord.
"I have it, I have it." He said as he counted out the money and handed it over.
"This is short 100."
"What? no its not."
"That's the fee for pets, don't think I don't see that cage you got back there." The man said, gesturing back to Wade's Barbie Dream House.
"Right, yeah, my pet..." Peter trailed off but didn't bother to argue. handing over another hundred.
"I'll pay you back," Peter said to Wade after he had closed the door
"No, you won't."
"No, I won't." Peter sighed.
"So, bestie, what do you think about a cocktail hour? Those shrimps are calling my name." Wade said, lounging in the hammock.
Peter obliged, giving Wade two shrimps and a bit of cocktail sauce that might as well have been the equivalent of two whole trays of shrimp if Wade were normal-sized. Then Peter finished off the rest of the platter, which might have been a bad decision to do just before going on patrol.
This time, as Peter left, he was pretty confident that the merc would stay put.
Maybe this whole Deadpool duty thing would work out. Peter only had to hold out for 5 days, then this whole ordeal would be over. Thank god.