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Valentine's Day was lonely, okay, that's why he bought the goddamn potion in the first place. a little Valentine's Day gift to himself in the form of a certain webbed wonder.
It wasn't like Deadpool was giving Spidey a love potion to get into his pants. That would be mad unethical. No, no, Wade just wanted a little role reversal. You see, Spidey and Wade had this dance; Spidey constantly shot down every flirtatious remark. Any joke about them being a couple, any time Wade asked him out, any innuendo, really anything Deadpool said. It was kinda their whole thing. Wade had even pointed it out on numerous occasions.
"I love our banter."
"I don't."
And:
"If you think about it, Spidey, we argue like an old married couple."
"If we were married, then I would be getting a divorce."
and so on.
So this Valentine's Day, as a gift to himself, Wade had bought a high-quality love potion and slipped Spidey's favorite Mexican food order.
This time, their roles would finally be reversed. Spidey would be gagging for Wade, not literally, because Wade was going to turn Spidey down, Ultimate heartbreak, ultimate betrayal, a great prank, and a great Valentine's Day gift to himself.
Although drugging a burrito for your friend is also mad unethical, one of the voices reminded him. Which Wade tried to ignore as he opened up Spiderman's burrito and carefully poured the love potion into it.
Now all he had to do was go find Spidey and give him the burrito of loving Deadpool. Luckily, the webbed wonder wasn't hard to find. Sitting perched on top of one of the tallest buildings one of his favorite spots for stopping crime.
"Ohhh Spidey!" Wade called out, managing to pull himself onto the roof with his grappling hook.
"Yeah, 'pool." Spidey already sounded annoyed.
"Web head doesn't have any hot date this Valentine's Day?" Wade asked.
"Looks like you didn't have any luck either."
"Hey, you don't know that maybe I have a hot chick at my place right now."
"Is she the type of chick you have to pay for?" he bit back.
"Touché, Spider-Man, touche."
"Why are you here?" Spiderman said, even though he knew the answer by looking at the bag of takeout in Wade's hand. This was not the first time he fed Spiderman. It had been his main strategy for befriending the vigilante.
"Valentine's day burritos! I made them with some special sauce."
"Please stop calling hot sauce that."
"Okay, fine, I made it with hot jizz."
"Actually, I changed my mind. You can call it special sauce."
Wade handed the burrito to Spidey and tried to play it cool as he watched Spider-Man eat the entire love potion burrito. Just as he planned, now he just had to be casual and normal and wait for it to take effect.
"How are you feeling?" Wade immediately asked. He was bad at waiting.
"The same as ever, why?" Spidey said suspiciously.
"Am I not more handsome? Do you not want to fill me up with your spider eggs?"
"What? Gross," Spidey said, clearly disgusted and not at all in love. Then some alarms started going off, and Deadpool glared at Spidey's ass as he swung off towards distant police sirens. This was not at all what he wanted for Valentine's Day.
Wade huffed and let out a sigh before starting after Spider-Man. Maybe it was just slow-acting, he told himself.
After an entire hour of not so much as a flirty glance, a lingering look, or even a kind remark, Wade was ready to give up.
"God damn it, I got totally scammed." Wade finally accepted defeat, landing next to Spidey, who just finished webbing up a baddie or something. Wade wasn't really paying attention to whatever hero biz Spidey had going on. He just picked up Spider-Man and slung him over his shoulder. "You're coming with me, we gotta go serve justice."
"That's what I was doing! Put me down!"
"Nope, a different kind of justice needs to be served."
"Just put me down!"
"No can do, my friend, I'm using you as evidence."
"Evidence for what?" Spidey said while squirming around.
"All in good time, my friend," Wade said, giving Spidey a firm pat on the thigh as he headed out to the shady back alley.
Thankfully, the makeshift storefront of 2×4s, cardboard, and tarps was still there. Along with the witch who gave him the potion. She was a stereotypical green witch with a black hat and everything. If you want something done right, you have to consult the OG.
"Your love potion was more like a dud potion. This guy doesn't even want to jump my bones." Wade said, dropping a disgruntled Spidey at her feet.
"What- love potion? You drugged me?" Spidey said.
"Spidey, you should know better than to take food from strangers. Anyway, I want answers, or my money back."
"All my potions work perfectly." The witch said in a stereotypical witch voice.
"Clearly not if he isn't acting any different," Wade argued.
"He isn't acting any different, you say?" She said, directing her focus at Spiderman. She began to mutter some sort of spell under her breath.
"Yes, he's acting exactly the same as always."
The witch finished her muttering with an "A-ha, By looking into his truest intentions, I figured out your problem."
"Okay, spill. before I spill your green guts all over this dank alley." Wade said reaching for a katana.
"Deadpool No," Spidey said.
"The potion doesn't work," The witch paused for dramatic effect, "if you are already in love."
"Excuse me?" Spidey said.
"What!" Deadpool said.
"I don't know who you think you are, but I am not in love with this man," Spiderman said.
"Yeah, he totally hates me."
The witch rolled her eyes and pulled a spray bottle out from her robes. Spraying Spidey and Deadpool in the face before they had time to react.
"That one was on the house. Bye now!" She said, with an evil witch's cackle, as the entire shack vanished with a pop.
"Bleah, what is this stuff?" Spidey said, wiping the slightly glittery potion from his mask.
"This is the last time I buy from the Alley Witch. Her love potion didn't even fucking work."
"No, it worked." Spidey said before quickly slapping his hands over his mouth. his bug eyed lenses wider than Wade had ever seen them.
"Okay, slow your roll. What do you mean by that?"
"Like she said, it can't create feelings if they are already there," Spidey said, through his fingers. He sounded horrified by the confession but unable to stop it.
Deadpool stared at him, mouth agape.
"I think I know what she sprayed us with," Peter groaned, looking at the ground. "I hate magic."
"I think I love magic," Wade said. "You like me? For realzeies?"
"Against my better judgment: yes," Spiderman said as if each word was like pulling teeth.
"Well, I know something else you could rub against."
"Is it you?" Spidey said, exasperated.
"It's me," Wade said. "So what now?"
"Well, I suppose there is no sense in spending Valentine's Day alone," Spiderman said with a shrug.
"Oh- em-gee! Is Spiderman asking me on a date?"
"No, but Peter Parker is." Spiderman said without thinking ."Shit, wait, fuck, I didn't mean to say that." Spidey said, panicking a bit. "This truth potion is the worst."
"Who is Peter Parker?"
"Me," Peter said with a sigh. "Or at least the me outside of the mask."
"Holy shitballs! An identity reveal! This is the best day of my life."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, let's just go on a date or something."
"Sounds good to me, Valentine."