Chapter Text
"I'm sorry? You've got what in that box!?" Peter exclaimed, the eyes of his suit going wide.
"Deadpool," Tony said as if he wasn't clear enough the first time. As if a whole man could fit in a black box the size of a Barbie doll.
"Like a doll or…"
"No, it's the real Deadpool," Tony said impatiently, glancing at his watch.
"Like the murderer guy?"
" Yep, he double-crossed SHELD and took out a whole squadron. The guy is unkillable and good at breaking out. So we pulled a couple of strings and figured he would do less damage as something smaller."
"ok.. and this involves me because..."
"It's your week to take care of him."
"Excuse me?" Peter basically shouted.
"Consider it part of the whole being an Avenger thing. He tends to escape whatever you put him in eventually, and if you don't have him in something soundproof, he'll talk your ear off. I have some important meetings to attend to this week that I really don't want to have to deal with a break out in the middle of it."
"Ok," Peter said, looking at the black box with apprehension. Why couldn't you—I don't know—just keep him in an extra-security prison?"
"He killed three guards in an extra-security prison. Trust me, this is the best for everyone. Keep the box with you too. His record for the longest without breaking out is five Days. This is his third day in this particular setup. I'm sure with your webs, you could come up with something good to keep him stuck for a while when he does break out."
"Right.."
"Okay, well, I gotta dash. You know how it is with the board, am I right?" Tony said as he ducked out of the room.
"No, I do not," Peter muttered under his breath.
And then Peter was alone in the conference room, just him and the black box that supposedly contained one of the most deadly men on the planet.
"Become an avenger, they said. It would be fun, they said," Peter muttered to himself as he picked up the box and pushed it into his backpack. "It would be nice to be able to call for backup, but no, apparently, the friendly neighbor Spider-Man doesn't get help; he just gets more work," Peter grumbled as he pushed open the skyscraper's window and started swinging back to his apartment.
"Ok, Parker, this isn't even that bad," he told himself as he set the box down on the counter. "Just think of it like taking care of the class pet over the weekend. Only it's a whole ass man, apparently."
Before he could really grasp the implications of the man in the black box, he was getting an angry call from J.J. Jameson demanding the newest photographs and the article he was supposed to write a week ago, and suddenly all was forgotten as Peter frantically typed up on his laptop. With such a backlog of work, he was busy typing away and editing photos until the sun went down,
"Finally," Peter sighed as he sent the final file to JJ, "Just need a little dinner and then it's time to patrol."
Peter was halfway through his Ramen noodle dinner when he realized something.
He hadn't fed Wade.
It had been the whole day. The man was probably starving. Plus, who knows how long ago Tony fed him? oh god, Peter was going to accidentally kill the Avengers' pet Merc.
Peter frantically felt around the edges of the box, trying to get it to open or find something that would give, but the whole box seemed welded shut.
"Curse Tony and his stupid high-tech gizmos." Peter Said, finally finding a part of it that seemed a little looser and pulling it apart with a snap and creak of metal. Peter was forced to use a surprising amount of super strength to get it open.
"Missed me already, iron-dick. I thought-" Deadpool said before he noticed Peter, "Oh, hello, handsome." His voice changed in an instant from indignant to flirty.
"You're naked," Peter stated, a flush of embarrassment rising up his face. He dumbly stared at the tiny man tied spread-eagled inside the box. it smelled faintly of stale piss and copper and was lined with soundproofing foam. Peter had only seen pictures of the merc with the suit, so he wasn't expecting a very naked, scared man, built like a bodybuilder. And very naked, very very naked. Peter's head repeating 'don't look, don't look, don't look'
"Yep, nothing like a nice breeze between my ball sack to really wake me up in the morning."
He looked. Shit. Quick, change the subject.
"You stink," Peter blurted out.
"Okay, let's not be mean about it;" the tiny man replied, "three days in a box does a number on a man."
"Right." Peter was frozen, unsure of what to do next. He tried desperately to keep his eyes above the belt, or lack thereof, on the merc.
"So, did you steal this box thinking it was some cool iron tech?" Deadpool started to ramble, "Sorry to disappoint, sweetheart, but there's only the deluxe Wade Wilson Barbie doll in this particular package. I don't even come with two outfits and three glittery accessories, real shame if you ask me,"
"I uh, I'm gonna get you some clothes," Peter said, stumbling over to his dresser. Why hadn't Tony warned him about this? Peter had pet-sat for people who had given him more instructions than he got for an entire man. And apparently a deadly one at that.
Also, warn a man before exposing him to full frontal nudity. I mean, Peter was a New Yorker; he'd seen his fair share of flashers, but that was on the subway, nothing prepared him to be flashed in his own home for christs' sakes.
As Peter approached the box again with a new cut-up sock that he thought would suffice for clothes for the time being, he noticed Deadpool, no longer spread-eagled, but bent over and yanking at the bars that held his leg down. Seeing Peter approaching, he quickly righted himself, shoved his hands back into their supposedly secured places, and put on a face of nonchalant innocence.
"Here, this should work for a shirt or something," Peter said, holding out the sock that now had a hole at the top, using it to sort of cover the man's manhood from his view.
"You want me to go full Pooh-bear in this place?"
"It's long enough where it should cover enough."
"Okay, well, how am I supposed to get that on when I'm all chained up here?"
Peter just gave Wade a knowing look until Wade sighed, "Okay, fine, you got me," and pulled his hands back out of the restraints and grabbed the makeshift shirt. "I wasn't faking with the leg ones, though." He said, shrugging the sock over his unreasonably broad shoulders. "I'm going to need some help getting out. that Iron-fucker really welded it on tight."
"I don't know..If I should do that…" Peter trailed off.
"Why not? I'm so little, it's not like I could hurt you. You can trust me, I've never done anything wrong and am so small and helpless." Wade said, batting his eyelashes and clasping his hands together in a mock innocence."
"Now see, I'm struggling to believe that," Peter said, struggling to put on a serious demeanor. He was supposed to be this man's jailer after all.
"Does this look like the skin of a killer, Bella?"
"You aren't nearly sparkly enough to be making Twilight references," Peter quipped back, instantly forgetting he was supposed to be serious. Where was a bad cop when you needed them?
"Um, you know, technically," Peter said, "I opened the box only because I couldn't figure out how to get the food in there. Tony didn't tell me anything about how to take care of you, like what he regularly feeds you?"
"Wait… Tony? You're on a first-name basis with Iron-ass."
"I-uh."
"Mother-fucker pawned me off to the newest intern." Wade said knocking his head back against the metal of the cage "Are you on freaking Deadpool duty or something?"
"Uh- yeah- Something like that. I'm supposed to be taking care of you for the next week, but Ton- I mean Iron-Man didn't really give me any instructions."
"Oh my sweet summer child, not to worry, I can think of many ways you can 'take care of me,'" Wade said with a purr. And Peter felt himself going bright red. Peter was prepared for a killer but not a horny one, Plus how this man could go from angry to flirty was giving Peter whiplash.
Desperate to change the subject, Peter looked over at the bowl of cooling ramen. "So-uh-food? eating? What does Tony usually do for that?"
"I can eat anything you give me." Wade said.
Peter ignored the weirdly seductive tone and glanced again over at the bowl of ramen he had made. "So, would, like, ramen work?"
"Hell yeah, college student special, I can get behind that!"
So Peter fed Wade one noodle and a spoonful of broth. Then, after undoing the bindings, he got a bowl and filled it with some water and soap for Wade to bathe in. The man stank. Okay!
Then was the problem of actually finding a place for the man to sleep. Peter set up an old shoe box with a little bed (stuffed animal) and a toilet (Tupperware). And then he added some holes to the top and duct-taped it shut with Deadpool inside before falling into bed. The city of NewYork would be fine without Spider-Man for the night, and the whole Merc in a box was going to be a tomorrow-Peter-problem.