Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Once every few months, all the stars aligned and Eddie had the house to himself. Usually, he had a laundry list of things he wanted to do when he finally had some real alone time. Now, Eddie’s priorities were shuffled around. 

He’d pulled out his phone and shot off a text without a second thought. 

Eddie: baby r u free?
Cowboy: 4 u yes
Eddie: empty house ;)
Cowboy: 10 min
Eddie: plz drive safe
Cowboy: 12 min
Eddie: >:3
Cowboy: shld i b scared?
Eddie: no
Eddie: maybe
Eddie: park ur car dwn the st
Cowboy: o7

In precisely twelve minutes, Buck had knocked on the door. They’d spent another five minutes puttering around the kitchen and entertaining the illusion that they might make a snack or play video games. 

Three minutes later, Eddie was on top of Buck in his bed, sucking a spectacular hickey onto Buck’s throat. Now that Eddie’d had a taste of luxury, he couldn’t get enough. 

He flipped them over haphazardly, no finesse and all passion. A couple books and the clock radio clattered to the ground as Eddie accidentally kicked them off his bedside table. 

“Should we–” 

“It’s fine,” Eddie panted, pulling Buck down on top of him. He threw his leg around Buck’s hip to keep him from moving again. “Later.” 

Buck held Eddie down and pushed himself up out of reach. Which, of course, Eddie pouted about, and it drew a giggle out of Buck. 

“It’s only been one day, baby,” Buck teased, taking mercy on Eddie and giving him a single kiss. “Did you miss me that much?” 

“Yeah.” Plain and simple. There was no point in hiding it, Eddie had missed Buck. But two could play this game, so he batted his eyes and asked, “Didn’t you miss me?” 

“You know I missed you, Eddie. I always miss you.” 

Life might have been easier if Buck wasn’t so god damn endearing all the time. Everything he said to Eddie was sweet, it was sincere, and so Buck. Eddie didn’t know how he was supposed to leave him at the end of the summer. It hurt to think about. 

But that circled Eddie’s mind back to the current ticking clock. He tugged at Buck’s shirt, yanking it up his torso until it got stuck over his head. 

“Really?” Buck deadpanned. 

“There’s a sense of urgency you’re really not getting, Buck. The house is only empty for a very short window.” 

“I know.” Buck took his shirt off and tossed it to the side, then set to work on Eddie’s clothes. “I just like winding you up.” 

And that was how they ended up sideways on the bed, pawing frantically at one another like they’d never get the chance again. 

Just as Buck got his hands around the waistband of Eddie’s jeans, the front door slammed shut. 

“Eddie?” came his mother’s voice from the entryway. 

For a moment, Eddie froze. He’d never been caught with anyone before, let alone a boy, and never in such a state of dishevelment. His mother would have his head. She might yell, or worse, she might go completely silent. Then he’d really be in trouble. No, for Buck’s sake and his own, Eddie needed to get him out. 

“You need to leave,” Eddie whisper-yelled. 

Buck looked up and down Eddie’s half-naked body, then down at his own, landing back on Eddie’s face with a confused expression. Which, by the way, would have been very cute were they not moments away from certain death. 

“Buck,” Eddie urged. “Move.” 

“You’re bossy when you’re stressed.” Buck crawled off of him and started gathering his stuff at an unhurried pace. “I kinda like it.” 

His mom called for him again, and Eddie’s blood pressure skyrocketed. 

“Are you seriously flirting with me right now?!” he asked quietly. 

“I’m always flirting with you.” 

The telltale sound of heels clicking on hardwood inched closer. 

Eddie flashed his biggest, most pleading eyes, and that seemed to kick Buck into gear. He opened one of the windows, shoes and shirt and hoodie in hand, and started to climb out. Like an idiot. 

A beautiful, wonderful, perfect idiot. 

“Not that one!” Eddie pulled Buck back in and hurried him to the window that overlooked the garage roof instead of the one with the fifteen-foot drop. 

He breathed a sigh of relief as Buck climbed out and tried to make himself a little more decent before talking to his mom. 

“Wait!” Buck appeared back in the window. “I forgot something.” 

The clicking was now coming up the stairs. 

“What?” 

“I made you this mix CD.” Buck pulled a jewel case out of his hoodie’s front pocket and shoved it into Eddie’s hands. “Okay, now I'm running.” 

The footsteps were down the hall, it was a matter of seconds. 

“I forgot something else!” 

“Buck, what?” Eddie replied desperately. He’d never been so stressed in such a short span of time. 

But Buck pulled Eddie in and kissed him and all the stress melted out of his body. 

“Forgot that.” 

If this were any other moment, Eddie would’ve dragged Buck back inside. But his mother was knocking on the door calling for him, so he lightly shoved Buck backwards and closed the window. 

“Sorry, I’m just getting changed!” Eddie lied. “I went for a run!” 

“Okay, sweetheart. I’ll be downstairs, I have to talk to you about taking Sofia to volleyball.” 

“Be right down!” 

Eddie took a minute and composed himself. According to the mirror in his bedroom, he looked normal. His hair was a little messed up and his face was flushed—enough to pass for a run but not so much that it seemed like he’d snuck his best friend into the house and had been fooling around with him. It was definitely fine and his mother would never know. Totally. For sure. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket. He flipped it open. 

Cowboy: u ripped my shirt
Cowboy: dude????

The anxiety melted away instantly. It was crazy how Buck could still have that effect through the two and a half inch screen on Eddie’s phone. 

Eddie: sry man
Eddie: u r hot
Cowboy: =D

The conversation was quick. Could Eddie take Sofia to volleyball and pick her up tonight because his father was going to be working late? Yeah. Sure. Of course. 

“I should be home with Adriana shortly after,” his mother said. “Can you start dinner for me, and I’ll cook when I get back?” 

“Sure. And I switched the laundry over so you don’t have to worry about it.” 

For all their disagreements and her impossible expectations of him, Eddie really would do anything to make his mom’s life easier. He understood that his father had to work (for the most part—the fact that ten-year-old Eddie had tried to drive his mother to the hospital when she was in labor with Adriana because his father was nowhere to be seen was still a touchy subject in the Diaz household). But his dad’s absence was frustratingly noticeable, and Eddie had learned to pick up the slack.

“My favorite boy.” She kissed Eddie on the forehead. “Make sure you also tell your friend Buck thank you for the brownies. That was very nice of him.” 

Eddie blinked a couple times before responding with a simple, “Okay.” 

That was oddly sincere. Both his parents’ opinions on Buck had been staunchly neutral anytime he was brought up, and they were decidedly stiff when he came over. There was politeness but no warmth, no matter how much Eddie wanted them to love Buck. Especially his mother. But now she wanted to thank him for the brownies, and she said it in the same tone she used when she spoke about Shannon. 

Maybe they were turning a new leaf and Eddie had needed to be patient.

Knock, knock, knock. 

“Speaking of brownies, why don’t I get the door and you go get us two of them,” his mom said, already walking towards the entryway. 

Eddie had just stepped into the kitchen when he heard a familiar voice. 

“Hi, Mrs. Diaz. Is your son home?” 

“Oh, Buck.” Tone clipped. Voice strained. Okay, maybe nothing changed. “He’s in the kitchen, come in.” 

“Thanks! You look very nice today, Mrs. Diaz.” 

“Thank you. You’ve got a cut on your face, are you alright?” 

“Yeah, totally fine, just, uh, had a skateboarding accident.”

In an effort to act normal, Eddie put the brownies on a plate and brought them back out with him. 

“Hey!” Buck said the moment Eddie stepped in the room. 

“Hi, Buck.” 

Yeah, that sounded casual. Normal. Unlike Buck, who was wearing a scarf in the middle of the summer in Texas. Strange behavior. 

“Tell you what,” his mother began. “I have some things to take care of around the house. Why don’t you show Buck where the First Aid kit is.”  

Eddie took Buck to the bathroom upstairs and sat him on the end of the bathtub while he retrieved a washcloth, Neosporin, and a band-aid. 

“What happened here?” Eddie asked, gently cleaning the cut. It was more of a surface wound than anything, but he wanted to be thorough. 

“The bush got me,” Buck answered morosely. 

“Why were you even hiding in a bush?” 

Buck shrugged. “As an extra precaution.” 

Eddie hummed and dabbed some Neosporin onto him. “I think that earns you one of Adriana’s Barbie band-aids instead of the boring ones.” 

“Yeah?” Buck visibly perked up at the suggestion, and Eddie, affectionately, wanted to bang his own head against the wall. 

“What about the scarf?” 

“I look like someone kicked me in the neck. Normally I’d steal Maddie’s makeup before I come over here, but, you know, desperate times.” 

“You didn’t have to come back.” Eddie peeled the paper off the band-aid and stuck it over Buck’s cut. “We can’t, like, do anything.” 

Buck scoffed. “You’re still my best friend. I just wanna hang out with you.” 

“Me too,” Eddie said, pressing his lips to Buck’s birthmark with an exaggerated ‘mwah!’ that made Buck laugh. 

For the next few hours, the two of them spent the time being far too competitive over video games and arguing over which of Eddie's shirts Buck would be taking as compensation. They’d decided on one of the t-shirts, but, a few hours later, Eddie would discover that Buck had stolen Eddie’s baseball jersey instead. For which Eddie would be seeking recompense in the form of Buck’s football jersey, but that was a task for another day.  

Sofia got to and from volleyball without a problem, and Eddie spent most of the practice sitting on the steps outside of the gymnasium while Buck narrated the nature documentary he was watching over the phone. It broke the after-9-o’clock rule, but if he went over his minutes, he’d just tell his parents that Shannon needed him. 

By the time he finished helping clean up after dinner, Eddie practically sprinted up the stairs to get to his bedroom. He shut the door behind him with an amount of force he hoped said “please leave me alone” and not “I’m angry and slamming my bedroom door.” But Buck had burned him a mix CD! He needed privacy. 

Something had been folded in half and shoved in the jewel case with the CD. Eddie popped the case open to see Buck had written ‘Eddie’s Mix by Buck’ with a heart and a smiley face on the CD. As if that weren’t enough to make him smile, he unfolded the insert to find it was actually a few photos Buck had printed out. The first was taken in the backseat of the Mustang—lopsided and slightly out of focus, Buck grinning wide with his arm around a very agitated looking Eddie who had just woken up. The second one was taken in the kitchen at Buck’s house—Eddie had three cookies shoved absurdly into mouth and was giving a thumbs up, and Buck stood next to him wearing an apron, flour on his face, and holding a tray of freshly baked cookies. The third, Eddie’s favorite, was taken in a hotel lobby bathroom—the flash in the mirror obstructed most of the view, but Eddie was wearing one of his ballroom dance costumes, smiling and laughing while Buck held him tightly around the waist and planted a big kiss on his cheek. 

Eddie flipped open his phone to text Buck with one hand and popped the disc into the CD player with the other. 

Eddie: pics of us?
Cowboy: =p 
Cowboy: jst prntd them nbd 

But it was a big deal. Every time Buck did anything with Eddie in mind, it was a big deal. 

Eddie: i love them
Cowboy: did u listen?
Eddie: abt to now
Cowboy: :E
Eddie: ur cute :3

He flipped his phone shut and reached out to press play, but his phone buzzed one more time. 

Cowboy: no kiss =/

Eddie rolled his eyes but caved. 

Eddie: :-* :-* :-*
Cowboy: ty baby =D
Cowboy: hope u like it
Eddie: <3 

He grabbed Buck’s jacket from the back of his door and wrapped it around himself before flopping down on the bed and hitting play. Buck hadn’t included a tracklist, so there was no telling what was about to come out of the speakers. “In Your Eyes” started playing first. Maybe Buck was serious about a CD of nothing but Peter Gabriel. 

Which wouldn’t be so bad, if Eddie was being honest. He grabbed the pillow from beneath his head and squeezed it in his arms. That night had been perfect, even the bits that weren’t. Sex aside, Eddie wasn’t used to people taking the time to be thorough with him, to make sure he’s happy and okay. But that was all Buck seemed to do. 

The next song kicked in—“What I Like About You” by The Romantics. Ravi’s birthday party had been at a private karaoke room because a musician took every opportunity to perform, or so he’d said. Among several other memorable performances—including Eddie and Shannon dueting “My Boo” by Usher and Alicia Keys—Buck and Eddie had sung “What I Like About You” together to mostly positive reviews. 

A second “In Your Eyes” faded in, and Eddie laughed. Something he adored about Buck was his commitment to the bit. 

Taylor Swift’s “Our Song” played next, and that memory was clear as day. There had been nothing to do but they needed to get out of the house, so they’d ended up at the mall. At some point, Buck was craving ice cream but couldn’t decide between two flavors, so Eddie bought him both. As he alternated between both cones, Buck had said, “This song reminds me of you.” And when Eddie asked why, he said, “On our first date you didn’t kiss me, and you should have.” So Eddie made up for it right then, leaning in to kiss the ice cream off Buck’s lips. 

Three times was a pattern, and Eddie understood what Buck was doing as “In Your Eyes” began for a third time. He had trouble expressing, even in the privacy of his own mind, what that night meant to him. “My Life Would Suck Without You” rolled on after that, and Eddie found himself giddy at the memory of their first kiss. As expected, Peter Gabriel made a fourth appearance, followed by “Wagon Wheel.” He had to hand it to Buck, this had to be the most thoughtful gift Eddie had ever received. 

During the fifth play of “In Your Eyes,” Eddie allowed himself to sink into the memory. The way Buck looked at him like he’d strung the stars in the sky, the way the moonlight gave Buck an angelic glow, the way Buck called him “baby” like he’d been doing it the whole time. There’d been flames in his chest too, embers burning something onto Eddie’s ribcage in a language he couldn’t read. 

But then the final song started, and it transcribed the illegible script into bold print. 

Eddie sat up as “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls played through the speakers. He pulled Buck’s jacket tightly around himself; his heart sped up in his chest. It was difficult to swallow that he and Buck had known each other for such a short period of time. Something about the two of them together felt right, even their names went together like an inseparable pair. But this wildfire inside him was unfamiliar and extraordinary. It was Buck’s convictions, Eddie’s defiance, and I just want you to know who I am. 

Maybe this was what it felt like. 

Maybe Eddie was in love. 

Eddie: buck
Cowboy: =(
Eddie: baby
Cowboy: =D
Eddie: thank u <3
Cowboy: <3

He fell asleep feeling invincible. 

Everything changed the day Eddie’s orientation packet came in the mail. 

His father brought the mail in when he arrived home from work, as he always did, and dropped a thick, white packet onto Eddie’s lap. Cornell University was printed across the front of the envelope in big block letters. His stomach dropped like he’d left it to freefall from the top of a lift hill on a rollercoaster. Move-In Day was only a few weeks away, and Eddie didn’t feel anything close to prepared. Everyone else seemed more than ready. Buck, the one person who consistently hated the idea of Eddie moving as much as he did, kept offering to help Eddie pack. Which, sure, was a ploy to spend more time together, but it wasn’t like Eddie didn’t come running every time Buck called anyway. 

Begrudgingly, Eddie tore into the envelope and started to skim through the pamphlets and lists. Every step towards university was being taken with cement feet.

He couldn’t be blamed for asking one more time. 

“Dad, did anything else come from LA or Chicago?” 

“Edmundo,” his father sighed impatiently. “We’ve been over this.”

“I just want to make sure I don’t miss anything,” Eddie grumbled, feeling overwhelmingly childish. 

“Eddie, you’re better suited for this life.” His father joined him on the couch. “Look at all the opportunities you’ll have over the next four years. We were so proud when you got your acceptance letter.” 

“And you wouldn’t be proud of me if I were a firefighter.” 

“I didn’t say that. But our plan is–” 

“What’s best, I know,” Eddie interjected. 

“Then no more talk of firefighters.” 

And that was that. 

Honestly, the whole day was such a drag. Count on his dad to tell his mom, who wouldn’t let it go until Shannon showed up to “help him pack.” Which was to say, lounge around his bedroom contemplating the ups and downs of the teenage experience. 

“You will have fun,” Shannon reasoned. “But I wish you were staying here.” 

“I wish you were coming with me.” 

“We can’t all get into an Ivy League school, golden boy.” She threw a pillow at Eddie, who was lying on the floor. “But you’ll be okay, Eddie.” 

“I don’t want to be okay, I want to be happy,” he groaned. 

“Are you majoring in drama?” 

“Shut up.” 

Shannon slid off the bed and joined Eddie on the floor, sitting against the frame and throwing her legs over Eddie’s where they were sprawled out in front of her. 

“Look,” she began. “It sucks that the academies never got back to you, and it really sucks that my best friend is moving to the other side of the country. And it sucks that you have to leave your sisters and Buck and go to some new place you don’t really want to be where you don’t know anyone.” 

“There’d better be a ‘but’ coming.” 

“But, ugh, I don’t know. My mom is always like ‘you need to give things a chance’, so…” 

Eddie sat up on his elbows. “That’s all you’ve got for me? Give it a chance?” 

“I don’t know, dude, I’m also freaked out about college!” 

It was the helplessness that Eddie hated. The future was looming, and there was nothing he could do about it, caught in the riptide of growing up and finding out how unfair the world could be. God, the summer heat really did amplify his melodrama. 

At least he had Shannon. 

“I’m gonna miss you,” Eddie said, sitting up fully and leaning his head on Shannon’s shoulder. 

“Me too.” She pressed her cheek to the top of Eddie’s head. “You’d better not replace me again out in New York.” 

“I didn’t replace you!” Eddie insisted through his laughter. 

“Does Buck know that?” she teased. 

“He does, especially since you threatened him. Which I still don’t have any details about, by the way.” 

“And you never will, Edmundo.” Shannon patted his knee. “That’s between me, Buck, and the Lord.” 

They did have to get some packing done, because his mom was definitely going to check. It was half-hearted and mostly Shannon dropping random items into a box, but it would work. The productivity lasted for a solid twenty minutes, until Shannon spotted the mix CD on his nightstand. 

“Eddie’s Mix,” Shannon read, smirking. “By Buck. Who would’ve guessed?” 

Eddie wrung his hands nervously. He wanted to spill his guts so badly, because keeping this secret for days with no one to talk to had been excruciating. Eddie told Shannon everything, and if he hadn’t spent so much time trying to get Buck undressed again this week, he’d have told her already. 

“Can I tell you something?” 

Shannon immediately sat cross-legged on the bed, CD in hand, and patted the spot across from her. 

“It’s about Buck,” Eddie sighed, sitting down. 

“Yeah, obviously.” 

He stared at his hands in his lap, unsure of how to start. Not out of embarrassment or shame, but uncontrollable joy. 

Eddie looked up at her through his lashes and just said it. “Last week, Buck and I had sex in the back of his car.” 

“Shut up!” Shannon grabbed Eddie’s wrists and shook his arms out of excitement. “Tell me everything.” 

Once Eddie started, he couldn’t stop. The drive, the restaurant, the lake, the fucking blanket. How Buck was a perfect gentleman the entire time and went above and beyond to make sure Eddie felt safe and comfortable. And, oh, how Buck had called him “baby” for the first time and Eddie heard a bell ring. 

“Eddie Diaz, you are blushing!”

“I don’t know how to stop,” he mumbled bashfully. 

“You guys are kind of adorable. It’s disgusting,” Shannon said affectionately. 

“And I…” 

Deep breath. He could say it out loud. After all, it was the truth. Two months ago, Eddie had no idea who Evan Buckley was. Now, he could barely remember who he’d been before Buck came into his life. 

“I think I’m in love with him.” 

“Since when?” 

“I don’t know, I thought I felt it the night we went dancing.” Eddie took a steadying breath. “But then we slept together, and now I’m sure I do.” 

In a rare moment of candor, she replied, “I’m really happy for you.” 

“But?” 

“Nah, no but. Buck is good for you, and he’s good to you. You deserve to be in love with someone like that.” 

Eddie pulled her into a hug and squeezed tight. If no one else had his back, Shannon always would. 

“So… what are you guys gonna do?” She gasped as if a lightbulb appeared above her head. “Is Buck gonna go with you to school? That would be super romantic!”  

“I don’t know,” he admitted, trying not to sound defeated already. “I haven’t even told him I love him yet.” 

“Get a move on, Diaz!” 

Eddie made a noise of frustration. “What if I mess it up? What if he doesn’t want to go?” 

“There’s always Christmas break, spring break, and the summer. It’s called long distance, dummy.” 

“What if he doesn’t want that? What if,” Eddie paused for emphasis, “he doesn’t love me back? Then I just look like an idiot.” 

Shannon looked genuinely annoyed. But Eddie couldn’t help his thoughts from circling the drain. It was fairly obvious what that mix CD was saying. And, if he forced himself to look at it objectively (a foolproof way to assess emotions!), Buck had probably been in love with him for a while. But he needed a third party opinion, Eddie tended to trust his gut and not his heart. 

“Eddie, he’s obviously in love with you! Have you seen the way he looks at you? Because the rest of us have.” 

“Okay, yeah.” 

Warmth spread in his chest again at the thought. In the beginning, it had made Eddie kind of nervous. Buck always had such an intense look in his eye and a wide grin on his face. Something Eddie wished he could describe as awestruck without sounding egotistical. 

“Remember when we all went to the movies to see I Love You, Beth Cooper and I, very kindly, sat next to my enemy Albert Han so you could sit next to Buck?” 

“That’s proof that you love me.” 

“Yeah, but you also forgot to buy candy at the dollar store to sneak in,” Shannon reminded him. “And Buck sprinted out to the lobby faster than any human has ever moved to get it for you. He paid concession stand prices for you!”  

“That could be a very strong like,” Eddie argued weakly. 

“He missed the beginning of the movie! That he wanted to see! He didn’t even ask you what candy you wanted and still came back with the right one!” 

“Junior Mints,” Eddie supplied. 

“Junior Mints,” she repeated seriously. “Which you’re a little weirdo for, by the way, eat Sour Patch Kids like the rest of us.” 

Eddie shrugged. So Buck knew his favorite movie candy without needing to be told. Eddie knew all Shannon’s favorite things, and they weren’t in love. 

“I don’t think a boy pays that much attention unless he really cares,” she said. “Like, remember my first time? A couch in an unfinished basement and then cheated on.” 

“Yeah, my offer to kill him still stands, by the way.” 

“I appreciate you, but I have dibs on that murder.” 

For a minute, they fell into comfortable silence. Eddie pulled at a loose thread on his comforter; Shannon waited patiently for him to speak. He loved that about her, how she always gave Eddie time to compose his thoughts instead of needling him to talk. 

“I love him, and I think he loves me, and that’s so big,” he said after a while. 

“I think it’s normal to fall in love with your boyfriend.” 

“He’s not my boyfriend. We never, like, talked about being official. We’re just friends.” 

“You’re both so stupid!” Shannon said, shoving his shoulder. “Go make him your boyfriend!” 

“But–” 

“Give me your phone, I’ll do it.” 

Shannon grabbed Eddie’s phone and darted out of the room as he chased after her, both of them laughing. 

Thankfully, no ill-advised “will you be my boyfriend?” text had been sent out. In fact, the following couple of days had been so busy that Eddie hadn’t had time to think about that terrifying conversation at all. But as it turned out, being in love with Buck meant missing him was so much worse than before. 

Eddie thought about what Shannon said all night and into the next day. The idea of being Buck’s boyfriend had clawed its way into the deepest recesses of Eddie’s mind and taken root. It was a dream, some far off life that Eddie could have once he got out of this town and from under his parents’ watchful eye. He wasn’t even close to getting his daydreams under control when Buck came over that night. When Eddie opened up the door, Buck was leaning against the frame looking devastatingly handsome and shining so bright, and Eddie wanted to spend all the time in the world with him. 

“You should stay over,” Eddie mumbled against Buck’s chest. 

“Sure, I’ll ask your mom. She’ll have no problem with your friend, who she doesn’t like, having a sleepover in your bed.” 

“Whatever, I’ll sneak you back in and hide you up here.” 

“I’m a bad influence on you,” Buck teased.

Eddie scoffed. That wasn’t even a little bit true. “Because I was such a devout Catholic boy before that.” 

“No way, definitely a bad boy.” 

“Shut up.” Eddie leaned up to kiss Buck’s cheek and nose and forehead and birthmark until they were both laughing. 

With the dulcet tones of MTV playing quietly on the tv, they slipped into making out lazily. Eddie was well and truly dizzy from it, unable to get two or three kisses in without stopping to smile. He loved Buck. He loved the way Buck saw the silver lining in everything. He loved how Buck lied to him about liking cilantro but couldn’t hide the way his face scrunched up when he ate anything Eddie’s abuela cooked for them. He loved the tingling in his spine when Buck kissed him, and the way Buck could read his mind. 

Eventually, Buck pulled away with a quick apology and tried getting out of the bed, but Eddie caught his wrist and protested with a very unbecoming whine. 

“I missed you too, baby.” Buck pried Eddie’s hand off himself and kissed the back of it. “But I’ve had to pee for like twenty minutes, I held out as long as I could for you.” 

Buck looked so distressed that Eddie couldn’t help but laugh. As if he was considering letting Eddie hold his bladder hostage on the off chance Eddie was actually upset. 

“Buck, go,” Eddie said, leaning over to push him by the thigh. “I’ll survive two minutes alone.” 

“Could’ve fooled me!” 

Eddie chucked a pillow at the door as Buck shut it behind him. 

Thirty seconds later, the door was thrown open by a much tinier but equally loud presence. Adriana walked into Eddie’s room like it was her own, sat down in Eddie’s desk chair, and started spinning in circles. Annoying as the intrusion was, Eddie breathed a sigh of relief that they had locked the door earlier. 

“Leave, Adriana,” Eddie said, sighing as he sat up. 

“Why?” 

“Because it’s my room and I have a friend over.” 

“But you promised we could play Uno.” She crossed her arms and fixed him with a stare eerily reminiscent of his mother. 

He didn’t remember making any such promise, but Adriana had a habit of asking Eddie for things when he was busy so he’d agree without thinking. It was kind of a brilliant strategy. Sofia used to strong-arm her way into Eddie’s free time by any means necessary, whether that be annoying him into saying yes or getting their parents involved. Adriana was much more subtle in her approach, so much so that Eddie never clocked it. But, then again, the older Sofia got, the less forthcoming she was about liking her big brother—conflict was the easy way out, Eddie supposed. 

“Why are you so obsessed with Uno this week?” 

“I told you,” Adriana said, exasperated with him. “There’s a tournament at the sleepover and I want to win.” 

“Fine,” he sighed. No sense in delaying the inevitable. “But you have to ask Buck.” 

As if Eddie had summoned him, and maybe he had, Buck appeared in the doorway. 

“Ask me wha– hey!” he said, spotting Adriana. “My favorite Diaz.” 

“Allegedly, I promised Adri we’d hang out,” Eddie explained. 

What Eddie wanted was for Buck to say that he really wanted to hang out with Eddie alone, leaving Eddie an easy out to let his sister down gently. But Evan Buckley, as Eddie had learned, would rather die than disappoint, so they ended up sitting on the floor around the coffee table while Eddie shuffled the deck. 

As he dealt everyone’s hand, his phone buzzed on the table. 

Cowboy: u r my fav diaz
Cowboy: <3 

Eddie’s eyes flickered up to Buck, who was already looking back at him and smiling. 

Eddie: u r my fav buckley <3

He paused, then added. 

Eddie: dnt tell jee 

Buck laughed out loud and picked up his cards, so Eddie put his phone down and did the same. 

“Ugh, are you guys texting each other?” Adriana asked, clearly offended. “So weird. You can just talk.” 

His baby sister was too astute for her own good. Or the two of them were obvious. Nah, definitely not. She was just that smart. 

Eddie had to give Adriana props for taking card game strategy very seriously. Three rounds of Uno in, and she’d won all of them. He couldn’t speak for Buck, but Eddie wasn’t letting her win. She wanted to dominate at the sleepover, and she would. 

“Eddie, can we have hot chocolate?” Adriana asked in her sweetest voice. 

“It’s August,” he answered, foolishly thinking it would deter her.  

“That’s not a nooooo,” she said in a sing-song tone. Then she set her sights on Buck. “Do you like hot chocolate?” 

“I love hot chocolate!” he answered. 

“Great!” Adriana stood up and tugged on Buck’s arm until he started to move. “You can help me make it.” 

She walked away from the table, pulling Buck behind her, all the while going on and on about how she likes its extra chocolatey and with extra marshmallows but only the pink ones and an extra special ingredient that she wouldn’t reveal but needed him to get from the cabinet for her.

Buck looked back at Eddie with a plea in his eyes, but Eddie just gave him a thumbs-up. 

Fifteen minutes later, Buck placed a mug of hot chocolate in front of Eddie and sat next to him on the floor. They drank in comfortable silence, shoulders knocking together and smiling into their hot chocolate. 

A few more hours passed, with more Uno and video games and some R-rated movie cut for television, and Eddie found more courage than he thought possible buried in his chest. They’d fallen into a routine when Buck left the Diaz household, their conversation flowing like a well rehearsed dance. 

“Text me when you get home?” Eddie said, hands shoved in his pockets and rocking on his feet.

“Of course.” 

“I had fun.” 

“I always have fun with you.” 

Eddie looked back towards the house, then at Buck. Like he did every time. 

“I really want to kiss you goodnight,” Buck said, like he did every time. “I know that I can’t, but I hope you know that I want to.” 

And every time, Eddie would duck his head and blush and curse his own cowardice. But that was before Eddie knew he was in love. 

“You should do it.” Eddie’s voice was soft, tentative in a way he had no right being. 

“A-are you sure?” 

He spared one more glance at the house before locking eyes with Buck. The choice was simple. 

“Positive. Kiss me goodnight.” 

Hesitation swirled in Buck’s eyes. He lifted a hand, then dropped it. Took half a step forward, then retreated. His gaze kept drifting over Eddie’s shoulder. The great irony of it all was that Buck’s insistence on protecting Eddie’s privacy and respecting his boundaries with his parents was what emboldened Eddie to abandon it all. 

Knight in shining spurs as he was, they would’ve stood there all night had Eddie left it up to Buck. But Eddie was confident in his choice. He put a hand on Buck’s waist, the other on his cheek, and pressed their lips together. A near innocent thing lasting no more than a second but exhilarating all the same. See? Eddie thought. Nothing to be afraid of. 

“You call that a goodnight kiss?” Buck teased, easy confidence returning. 

“Think you can do better, Buckley?” 

“Uh, yeah.” 

Eddie shrugged. “Prove it.” 

And he did. Buck brought his hand to the back of Eddie’s neck and pulled him back in, kissing him firmly, deeply—with intention. He pulled back after a few seconds, and Eddie chased him. Not the way he did in private, but for one, two, three more quick kisses. To tide him over until next time; to ensure Buck knew he meant it. 

“See you soon?” Buck asked. 

“Try and stop me.” 

Love felt like a racing pulse, butterflies in his stomach, and missing Buck even though Eddie could see him through the windshield of his Mustang. He had the inexplicable urge to doodle Buck’s name in notebooks and bring him up in conversations in which he had no relevance. A boy obsessed, waving as Buck backed out of the driveway, who found himself wishing all this had happened six months ago so they could’ve gone to prom together.

Eddie waited until Buck’s tail lights disappeared from view before going back inside. 

Whatever bubble he and Buck had created in the driveway was promptly popped as Eddie crossed the threshold back into the house. 

“Edmundo, come in here for a second, please.” 

His mother using his full name? That couldn’t be good. He knew it had been a little risky giving Adriana that much sugar so close to her bedtime and the dishes needed to be done, but it wasn’t that late. 

“Sorry about the hot chocolate,” Eddie apologized, walking into the dining room. “I shouldn’t have let her eat that many marshmallows.” 

His father motioned for him to sit down. “That’s not what we want to talk to you about.” 

“Oh.” Bemused, Eddie pulled out a chair and sat. “Okay.” 

Something was off, though he couldn’t quite parse out what. Quickly, he skimmed through the day in his head for something his parents could be upset with him for. Nothing jumped out, except the Adriana thing. But his dad already said that wasn’t the reason he’d been summoned to the dining room. 

There was one thing. 

“We’ve noticed you’ve been seeing a lot of your friend Buck recently,” his mom said. 

“So what? He’s my best friend.” 

“I thought Shannon was your best friend?” his father chimed in.

“They both are,” Eddie replied defensively. He slumped back in the chair and crossed his arms. “I can have other friends.” 

“What your father means,” his mom interjected, “is that we haven’t seen Shannon much this summer.” 

“Well, I have.” 

Uncomfortable silence fell over the room. Eddie knew he was walking a dangerous line. It was par for the course with his father, but Eddie didn’t often take much of an attitude with his mom. Whatever she was getting at, Eddie didn’t like it. Besides, between the two, they spent more time at Buck’s house, and right now, Eddie’s parents were reminding him why. 

“Are you dating that boy?” his father asked bluntly. 

“No,” Eddie answered instantly. Which was the truth. The official state of their relationship was Best Friends. 

Eddie’s pulse began racing again, but this time without the pleasant headrush. He knew choosing to kiss Buck in the driveway meant risking his parents finding out. And Eddie was okay with the fallout, he really was, but he hadn’t expected it to come so soon. He’d been raised to be a person of convictions, but that must not have extended to those Helena and Ramon Diaz hadn’t pre-approved. 

“This isn’t how we raised you,” his father pressed on. “You need to be sharp, focused. But now you’re running around and breaking curfew, all because of that boy.” 

“His name is Buck.” 

“Honey, he’s not good for you,” added his mother. 

There it was again. That thing they never spoke about. This was never about Buck. It was about how Eddie had been behaving since Buck started coming around. He should’ve guessed as much when his mother had been so genuine about the brownies only to turn cold when Buck actually showed up. 

Being gay was alright, just not for their son. 

“I’m tired,” Eddie announced abruptly. “I’m going to bed.” He pushed back from the table, purposely scraping the chair legs loudly against the hardwood. Tears of frustration welled in Eddie’s eyes, but he’d be damned if they’d see him cry after that. He hurried out of the dining room and up the stairs, ignoring the call of his name behind him. 

The minute the bedroom door shut, Eddie sank down against it. With shaky hands, Eddie flipped open his phone. He intended to call Shannon, something he always did after a fight with his parents. 

Bzz. Bzz. 

Cowboy: home
Cowboy: miss u
Cowboy: is tht weird?
Cowboy: sry =p
Cowboy: 4get i said tht
Cowboy: gn baby 

Eddie laughed a little bit and wiped at the tears in his eyes. How could anyone not love Evan Buckley? 

Eddie: baby
Cowboy: =D 

He stared at the blinking cursor for what felt like forever. He typed out “love u,” then deleted it. That was wrong—not the words, but the timing. Eddie knew Buck would say it back, that was the thing. And while it would make him feel less like a disappointment to hear it, that was no reason to do something the wrong way. 

Besides, Buck was just his friend. 

Eddie : <3
Cowboy: <33

That was enough. 

Eddie knocked his head back against the door and dialed Shannon’s number. 

The whole shitty parents thing seemed to be going around. Two days later, Eddie had come home from a run to six texts and two missed calls from Buck. As if that hadn’t been panic inducing enough on its own, there was another missed call on the landline. When he finally got Buck on the phone, it turned out Eddie’s fear hadn’t been completely unwarranted—the Buckleys were in town. And they wanted to have dinner. Eddie had immediately offered to attend as a buffer, but Buck insisted he didn’t want to subject Eddie to his parents. At some point during the long and very valid freak out, Buck had offhandedly mentioned that Maddie and Chim couldn’t find a sitter for Jee. So Eddie had offered. It was the least he could do considering how kind Buck’s sister and her husband had always been to him. 

“We really appreciate this, Eddie,” Maddie said. “Apparently, every other person we know is busy tonight.” 

“Happy to help,” Eddie replied, then squatted down. “We’ll have fun. Right, Jee?” 

Jee-Yun hummed, giving Eddie a rather scrutinizing once over. She looked up at Maddie and said, “He can be Prince Eric, I guess. As long as he’s better than Uncle Albert.” 

“We watched The Little Mermaid the other day,” Maddie explained. “She’s obsessed.” 

“Oh! We have the DVD if you want to watch it,” Eddie said. 

In lieu of a verbal answer, Jee gasped and hugged Eddie’s legs. That was a yes, he supposed! 

“With… popcorn?” she asked, fixing Eddie with those signature pleading Buckley eyes. 

Eddie glanced at Maddie, who nodded, so he said, “Yeah! We can’t watch Ariel without popcorn. Have you seen the second one?” 

“There are two Ariel movies?!”

After that mind-blowing revelation, Jee-Yun couldn’t wait for her family to leave so they could have a movie night. Both Chim and Maddie kissed Jee goodbye, making her promise to be good and nice (something Eddie hadn’t been worried about until now—did Jee not like him?). Eddie took down Maddie’s cell number just in case of an emergency, but promised he’d taken care of his sisters plenty of times without incident. 

Buck, who had been suspiciously quiet the entire time, lingered on the front step as Maddie and Chim went back to the car. 

“You okay?” Eddie asked. 

“I’ll be fine,” Buck replied, sounding tired already and wearing a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Maddie has my back.” 

“I do too.” He put his hand on Buck’s shoulder and squeezed gently. “But from the couch. The Little Mermaid is very important.” 

“Very important!” Jee repeated. “Uncle Buck knows.” 

“I do,” Buck agreed. “You’re my Prince Eric understudy tonight. Don’t blow it.” 

“Not my first rodeo, Cowboy, don’t you worry.” 

Buck hummed. “There are no rodeos in The Little Mermaid.” 

“There are in the Texas version.” 

“There’s a Texas version?” Jee chimed in. 

“No, we were just kidding!” Buck told her. He looked back at Eddie. “Your parents home?” 

“Nope.” 

“Jee, you remember our promise?” 

Jee-Yun nodded furiously and saluted. In one quick motion, Buck covered her eyes with one hand, then put the other on Eddie’s cheek and kissed him. 

“Wish me luck!” Buck called as he walked down the driveway. 

“Good luck!” Eddie and Jee yelled after him. 

Not that Eddie thought the opposite would be true, but Jee wasn’t bad company as far as kids were concerned. He was sure Maddie and Chim had drilled her manners into her before coming over, but for a five-year-old she was relatively low maintenance. The worst thing she did all night was make Eddie rewind the movie twice because he “wasn’t paying attention.” Which was fair, but he couldn’t help but keep checking his phone to see if Buck had texted him. 

Ursula had just been impaled when Eddie’s family came home. 

Adriana, who could recognize the sound of a Disney princess movie a mile away, came bolting into the room before Eddie heard the front door click shut. Sofia came meandering in after her, which meant Eddie had about ten seconds to explain the extra child in their house. 

“Jee, these are my sisters Sofia and Adriana.” 

“Hi!” Jee-Yun said brightly. “Did you know there are two Ariel movies? Eddie said we can watch both.” 

Thankfully, because his sisters were the kindest girls in the entire world, they sat down and started talking to Jee like they’d known her their entire lives. Eddie took the opportunity to catch his parents away from where Jee could hear them. 

“Hey,” Eddie said, cornering them in the entryway. “Wanted to let you know that I’m babysitting tonight.” 

He prayed silently that there wouldn’t be any follow up questions. 

“For who?” 

Damn. 

“Buck’s older sister Maddie.” 

“Now they’re using you as childcare?” his mother scowled. 

“Mom,” Eddie groaned. “It’s not like that. They really needed someone.” 

“Why not hire someone?” his father asked. 

Impatience crawled up Eddie’s spine. Like his parents would ever be caught dead leaving Sofia or Adriana with a stranger. They’d lucked out that Eddie bent over backwards to take care of his sisters. 

“Because she knows me already, and I didn’t have plans tonight.” Eddie rolled his eyes. He was going to stand his ground on this, mainly because it was a stupid thing to fight about. “She’s five, we’re watching Disney movies. It’s not exactly the crazy inconvenience you think it is. I wanted to help.” 

A beat passed. Something unreadable crossed his mother’s face, but it disappeared as quickly as it came. 

“Of course,” she said, tone light and airy. “Did she eat?” 

“Jee-Yun,” Eddie told her. “Yeah, before they dropped her off. And we had popcorn during the movie.” 

“Will Jee-Yun be staying the night? Adriana can sleep with Sofia if need be.” 

“No, Maddie and Chim will be back in a bit to get her.” 

His father cleared his throat. “Alright, well…” 

“Well… I’m gonna get back to the movie.” Eddie took a few tentative steps back towards the living room. “Gotta see if true love prevails.”

The only saving grace was that Eddie was certain they wouldn’t take out their irritation on Jee. He’d probably have to hear about it for the next few days, and at some point this was probably going to be Buck’s fault, but at least they wouldn’t make a five-year-old cry over it. 

Eddie returned to high-pitched chanting for the sequel, so he popped The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea into the DVD player and dropped himself back on the couch. Adriana and Jee needed to get as close as possible to the television, so they moved to sit on the floor, leaving Sofia and Eddie on the couch. 

“Eddie?” Sofia said quietly. 

“Hmm?” 

“Does Buck make you happy?” 

That was a loaded question, and Eddie wasn’t sure how to answer. Yes, undeniably, but that’s the last question Eddie expected to come out of Sofia’s mouth. 

“Jee was asking if we’re very happy when you’re around because her Uncle Buck is so happy when he gets to see you,” Sofia continued when he remained silent. 

“Oh,” he said dumbly. Eddie’s chest warmed at the notion that he was responsible for Buck being so happy that Jee felt the need to comment on it. 

“I’m not stupid, you know,” she added. “I’m thirteen, you don’t have to lie to me.” That was Sofia’s go-to argument lately, like being a teenager granted her membership to some exclusive club.

The way she said it made Eddie shift in his seat. He and Buck weren’t exactly subtle these days, but they weren’t advertising their feelings to the public either. But Sofia had that look in her eye that all the Diaz women had, the one that assured Eddie he wasn’t getting away with anything. Who could Eddie trust if not his sister? Besides, it wasn’t like she could really know.

“Yeah, Sof,” Eddie said. “Buck makes me really happy.” 

“Okay. Good.” Sofia paused for a moment. “I won’t tell Mom and Dad.” 

Or maybe she did know. He’d never given much thought to coming out at all, let alone to his sisters. But Sofia was staring him down like she’d known all along, and it was strangely comforting to have someone in the family on his side. 

“Thanks,” he said. 

“Buck is nice, I like him.” 

“Me too.” 

“Eddie?” 

“Yeah?” 

Sofia leaned over and hugged him. “I like when you’re happy.” 

It was acceptance Eddie didn’t realize he needed, especially after the other night. He hugged his sister back, squeezing tight until she started to complain. That way he could laugh off the way gratitude was welling in his eyes. It was his parents who were wrong, and at the end of the day, the people Eddie cared about the most seemed to love him anyway. 

Jee fell asleep about halfway through the second movie, so Eddie moved her to the couch and covered her with a blanket. He cleaned up the mess as the girls finished the movie, anxiously checking his texts the whole time. Still nothing. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. 

About an hour and a half later, Eddie finally got proof of life.

Cowboy: be there in 10
Eddie: how was it?
Cowboy: fine

Eddie frowned. It wasn’t like Buck to be so short with him. That had to be bad news. 

When Maddie and Chim came to the door to get Jee, Buck stayed in the car. Eddie considered going out to say hi, but that felt like overstepping. Prior to tonight, if Buck wanted to see Eddie, he did. Nothing stopped him. This was intentional. But whatever had happened at dinner, Eddie wanted to help. He waited until the car was out of sight to text Buck. 

Eddie: r u ok?
Cowboy: yeah 

Okay, so he was going to make Eddie drag it out of him. 

Eddie: buck
Cowboy: nothing i hvnt dealt w/ b4
Eddie: u dnt hv 2 deal alone
Cowboy: it’s ok, doesn’t matter
Eddie: it matters 2 me
Eddie: u matter 2 me

Eddie waited for Buck’s reply, deciding that if there was no response, he’d respect that. But he hoped that wouldn’t be the case—Eddie liked taking care of Buck. He was good at it. 

Cowboy: 30 min?
Eddie: <3

When Buck’s car pulled into the driveway, Eddie was sitting on the front step. His family had all migrated upstairs, but he wasn’t sure if Buck would want to come inside, sit in the car, or stand in the backyard and start screaming. Eddie was up for whatever. 

Eddie met Buck at the car door. He looked devastated. A sadness Eddie had never seen before sat behind his bloodshot eyes brimming with tears. He didn’t try to kiss Eddie or hug him. Buck just stood there, materialized as a shell of himself, and stared. 

This was the part Eddie understood. The exhaustion that settled in after being dressed down by your parents, the confirmation that all the worst things you thought about yourself were true. But none of it was true, at least not in Buck’s case. Eddie didn’t need to know what was said to know that. 

“Hey,” Eddie said, trying to be patient instead of asking the thousand questions burning their way up his throat. 

“Hey.” 

Buck leaned back against the car, hands shoved in his pockets and shoulders slouched, in the most strained performance of nonchalance Eddie had ever seen. He wondered if that was what Buck’s parents expected of him. To be calm and easygoing and not a problem. Eddie supposed a kid they didn’t want would feel like a burden to them in the best of times, so Buck might have learned to shove it all down. 

But Eddie wanted Buck to be a problem. To be his problem. 

“Buck, you don’t have to pretend with me.” 

“Of course I do,” Buck mumbled. “All I do is act out and push people away.” 

Oh. Buck hadn’t learned to shove it all down like Eddie had. More like he couldn’t shove it all down. He’d learned he was too much to handle. 

“That’s not true!” Eddie insisted firmly. 

“Yes it is,” Buck scoffed. “You don’t need to worry. I’m fine.” 

It wasn’t true, and Eddie had a flash of anger at the prospect that anyone let Buck believe it. The Buckleys, God, the universe—someone had to pay, and Eddie was hellbent on making it happen. 

“If that were true, you wouldn’t be here now.” Eddie took a tentative step closer. “You would’ve come to the door and kissed me goodnight.” 

“Why?” Buck’s voice cracked. “So I could do something crazy and have you see that I’m not worth the time?” 

No way. Never. That was unthinkable. 

“Buck.” Eddie put his hands on Buck’s shoulders and squeezed tight. “That’s not going to happen. I–” He stopped. It almost slipped out. “You’re my best friend.” 

Buck inhaled shakily and pushed himself off the car. His wet eyes sparkled in the moonlight, and Eddie might’ve called them beautiful if the tears had been from happiness. But they weren’t, and they cut through Eddie like glass shards. 

Eddie’s arms knew what was coming before his mind did. As Buck enveloped himself around Eddie and buried his face in Eddie’s neck, Eddie’s arms slid around Buck’s shoulders and kept him safe. He’d stand there all night if he had to, until Buck wasn’t shaking and devastated. 

When Buck started to cry, it wasn’t in heaving sobs. It was slow, the kind of tears you shed for a reopened wound, not a new one. When the hurt was old and aching, not fresh and sharp. 

“I don’t even care about them, man,” Buck said, voice muffled against Eddie’s skin. “I don’t care what they think of me, and I don’t need them to want me. But…” 

An icy, biting comment about what Buck’s parents did need died on Eddie’s lips. It wouldn’t make either of them feel better about the situation. 

Buck sniffled. Fresh tears painted Eddie’s skin. 

“But I don’t understand why they don’t,” Buck admitted. 

Immediately, Eddie pulled back a little bit. Not at all to separate them but enough to turn his head. Buck clung tighter, pressing their bodies as close as they could get without fusing into one. 

“Not letting go,” Eddie assured him. “Just wanted to kiss you.” He gently pressed his lips to Buck’s temple. 

They stood there, silently intertwined, for a few more minutes. Eddie was letting Buck take the lead here. If they saw the sun rise over the trees while still holding onto one another for dear life, then so be it. 

“‘m sorry,” Buck mumbled after a while, lifting his head to look at Eddie. “I keep crying on you whenever my parents come up.” 

“That’s what I’m here for.” 

“Every time I see them I just feel so worthless.” 

“You’re incredible, and you matter, Buck,” Eddie told him. “If they can’t see that, then fuck them.” 

“You think?” Buck asked, all wide-eyed and earnest.

Eddie held Buck’s face in his hands and brushed his thumbs over warm, wet cheeks. “You’re gonna be okay, kid.” 

That got a fraction of a smile out of Buck, which was all Eddie could ask for right then. He tilted Buck’s face down and kissed his birthmark. Twice, in fact, so Buck knew it wasn’t an accident. He hadn’t meant for that to make Buck cry again, but it did. 

“Come inside,” Eddie said, walking them towards the front door. 

“It’s late,” Buck replied unsteadily. “I shouldn’t. Your parents…”

“Are in bed for some early church thing tomorrow,” he supplied. “You can’t drive like this. Come in for a minute. Please?” 

Buck shrugged and looked away, but he let Eddie pull him inside. 

They ended up on the couch in the living room. Buck sat straight ahead, eyes fixed on his hands in his lap. Eddie sat beside him, one leg bent so his shin was pressed flush against Buck’s thigh. He sat one hand on Buck’s leg and scratched the back of Buck’s head lightly with the other. 

“I feel so stupid,” Buck said finally. “I knew it would be like that. Why would I let it bother me this much?” 

“Why would it bother you that someone treats you badly?” Eddie asked for clarification. When Buck nodded, something hot and angry zipped through Eddie’s chest. “I hope it always bothers you.” 

“Huh?” 

Buck turned to look at Eddie with glassy, bloodshot eyes. For a moment, Eddie panicked that his words had cut deep, but there was no hurt in his gaze. Instead, a mix of confusion and astonishment. And Eddie loathed the Buckleys for it. 

“I don’t– okay.” Eddie took a deep breath. Buck always had the words. He could find them himself this time. “You should be upset when people don’t treat you right! If you brush it off, then I think it just becomes normal one day, and… I don’t know. I think if it hurts, you know you deserve better.” 

“Better like what?” 

“Like anything that makes you feel happy and safe.” 

For a second, Eddie thought Buck was going to cry again. His eyelids fluttered a few times like he was blinking away tears, but then he just… relaxed. A teasing smile played over Buck’s lips, his red-rimmed eyes locked onto Eddie, and he said, “Like big, brown eyes and looks really hot in my football jersey?” 

“Sure,” Eddie said, smiling back. He squeezed Buck’s thigh once, then brought his hand up to hold Buck’s jaw. “If you want.” Eddie nudged him to lie his head back against the couch, then leaned in and kissed him. Softly, sweetly. Innocent. 

“You must like me a whole lot, huh?” Buck murmured. 

It came out so quietly that Eddie wasn’t sure Buck meant to say it out loud. But as it stood, he had, and Buck was looking at him like Eddie could move mountains. 

“Yeah, Buck,” he said, doing his best to match Buck’s reverence. “I like you a whole lot.” 

“Why?” 

The question wasn’t desperate, but sincere. Eddie envied how easy it was for Buck to be honest. His emotions weren’t shackles around his ankles; he let himself feel fully. Eddie never learned how to do that, so speaking candidly made his pulse race and his chest hurt. 

“Besides the fact that you’re so nice to me and the funniest person I know and generally just a lot of fun to be around?” 

“Yeah, besides all that.”

Buck was brave, and he made Eddie brave too. 

“Because you’re the first person to like me for me,” Eddie said. 

“That can’t be true,” Buck argued. “The guys on the baseball team liked you, your sisters—dude, Shannon loves you.” 

“I know. It’s not that they don’t like me.” Eddie took Buck’s hand into his lap and toyed with his fingers. That was easier to focus on than what he was saying. “But you grow to like your team so you can play well together, and my sisters are stuck with me, and Shannon is my best friend, but she got assigned to be my dance partner first.” 

“So how am I different?” 

“You decided you liked me before we met, then kept on liking me.” Eddie shrugged. “I never had to perform for you.” 

Besotted and near-inaudible, Buck asked, “Can I kiss you again?” 

Eddie nodded, giggling a little that Buck still thought he had to ask. Because Buck could read him like a poem, he let Eddie keep hold of the hand in his lap and brought the other hand up to cup Eddie’s cheek. The brush of their lips pulled a sigh out of Eddie, something peaceful and content. Sometimes it was staggering how much Buck felt like home. Even the difficult things were easy with him, and, god, Eddie just loved him. Eddie loved Buck so much.

They talked for a while after that, about everything and nothing, until Buck looked like himself again. But it was terribly late, and Buck needed to get going. They could see each other tomorrow. 

The last thing Eddie remembered was agreeing. 

“Edmundo!” 

Suddenly, it was morning, and Eddie was being shaken awake. He blinked, squinting in the harshness of the light. 

“Dad?” he mumbled sleepily. 

Why was his father in his bedroom? Waking him up? And what was with the awful soreness in his neck? 

“This boy needs to leave. Now.” 

Boy? What boy? Eddie didn’t know what—Oh. His eyes adjusted to the brightness. He was downstairs in the living room. He must have fallen asleep on the couch. Which was strange, because he’d only been on the couch with—

“Buck?” he said, seeing a form take shape next to him. 

“Now, Eddie.” 

Consciousness was slowly returning to him. He’d fallen asleep on the couch with Buck. He’d fallen asleep on the couch with Buck and they were holding hands. And his father was witness to all of it. 

“Okay, I– Yeah, okay. Can you give us a minute?” Eddie pleaded, praying his father would have mercy on him. 

“No,” his father answered sternly. 

Eddie took a steadying breath. He just needed to get Buck out of the house, then he could take his lashings. 

“Buck, wake up,” he said, jostling Buck’s shoulder. 

“Hm?” Buck replied. 

“We fell asleep,” Eddie explained somewhat frantically. “You have to go home.” 

Those words beamed directly into Buck’s mind, because he jolted awake like some kind of cartoon. Buck jumped to his feet and grabbed his things, all while repeating a never ending chorus of “I’m so sorry, Mr. Diaz” and “I’ll call you later, Eddie” as he hurried out the door. Eddie wished he hadn’t been so quick to go because that meant facing the unknown wrath of his father alone. 

“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?” 

Apology already on the tip of his tongue, Eddie said, “I’m sorry. We fell asleep.” 

“This isn’t like you, Eddie.” He crossed his arms and shook his head. His dad was disappointed. No shock there. “What is going on?” 

“Nothing! I was just hanging out with my friend and we fell asleep.” 

“And now we can add lying to the list,” his father said. 

Eddie dug the heels of his palms into his eyes and groaned. God, he was so exhausted. “What do you want me to say, Dad?” 

“I want you to tell me what’s happened to my son.” 

“I’m right here.” Eddie stood up. If they were going to do this, Eddie would do it face to face. “I’ve always been right here. I can’t make you like what you see.” 

“That’s not fair.” 

“Then what is? I’m still following the plan, I’m still going to school.” Eddie leveled his father with a look. “Only one thing has changed.” 

For a long time, there was quiet. Eddie could hear Sofia rustling around in the kitchen, Adriana moving around her bedroom, and his mother’s hairdryer running in the bathroom. But the living room had become a black hole. There was one thing they never talked about. And Eddie brought it up. 

“This boy–” 

“Buck,” Eddie interjected impatiently. 

“Buck,” his father amended. “He’s nice to you? Treats you well?” 

“Yeah.” 

“You don’t…” He cleared his throat. “He doesn't pressure you?” 

“No, Dad.” He still asks permission to kiss me, Eddie didn’t add. 

“I don’t understand, and I may never understand, but you’re still my son.” 

That was as close to an apology as Eddie had ever received from his father. It was kind of a shitty consolation prize—he could try to understand—but this was more acceptance than Eddie ever hoped to get from Ramon Diaz. He wanted to pry a little bit, ask what shifted his tone from a few days ago, but that was a path he could never un-walk. Better to leave well enough alone. Better to blindly accept that he could be his father’s son and be gay. 

“Thanks,” Eddie said quietly. 

“I’m going to keep this between us. But you’re not thinking through your choices, Eddie. I won’t protect you from your mother.” 

Loud and fucking clear. He’d been too bold as of late, flaunting his more-than-friendship with Buck in places he shouldn’t. Eddie didn’t play much with outright defiance, so when he found something that worked, he went all in. But it wasn’t worth it if Buck got hurt too. 

He sat back down on the couch, too tired to brave the stairs to his bedroom. 

As he walked out of the living room, his father called back to him, “We only want what’s best for you, Eddie, we were never trying to make you perform.”  

Eddie was glad to not be facing his dad when he rolled his eyes. Yeah, sure, like what they’d been trying to do mattered. On top of that, the revelation that his father had overheard their conversation was going to be mortifying once he’d had some proper sleep. 

Just as Eddie was dozing off, his phone buzzed. 

Cowboy: home
Cowboy: r u alive
Cowboy: maddie is sooooo mad
Cowboy: =(
Eddie: i’m alive
Cowboy: \o/

Eddie grabbed the throw pillow from beneath his head and hit himself in the face with it a few times. 

Eddie: u r so cute man
Eddie: wtf T_T
Cowboy: ~:>
Eddie: whts tht?
Cowboy: chicken
Eddie: ???????
Cowboy: idk
Cowboy: u said i was cute
Cowboy: got nervous
Eddie: baby?
Cowboy: yeah?
Eddie: go to sleep <3
Cowboy: o7 <3

He fell back asleep holding his phone against his heart. 

A few hours later, groggy but free from the strain in his neck, Eddie woke up to an empty house. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and trudged upstairs. 

The day moved slowly. Eddie managed to make it into his bedroom only to end up napping again. He finally showered and got dressed in the afternoon, starting his day at 2 p.m. There were probably a million things he should’ve been doing, but none of them were nearly as interesting as daydreaming about Buck and what the future might look like together. 

Eddie’s feelings had snowballed. He was so in love he felt sick. Which he knew was a dramatic thing to be, but when Buck wasn’t around, Eddie missed him. When Buck was texting him, Eddie missed him. When Buck was in his arms, Eddie missed him. There wasn’t nearly enough Buck to go around for the all consuming wildfire of Eddie’s adoration. He needed to carve out a hole in Buck’s chest and crawl into it. 

He wondered what New York could look like together. Would they get a tiny studio apartment? Eddie would buy lots of flowers to brighten it up. Buck would like that. They could frame photos and hang them all around the bed. That way, no matter what position they were cuddling in, Eddie could relive the happiest moments of his life (so far). Maybe Buck would like a dog, someone to keep him company while Eddie was in class or at baseball practice. Then on the weekends, Eddie could take their dog for a walk to wherever Buck was working and surprise him. They would cook dinner together, Buck would hold Eddie and cover his eyes when they watched scary movies, and Eddie would learn everything there was to know about Buck Buckley. 

It could’ve been a nice life. One Eddie actually wanted. 

He should’ve told Buck about it. He should’ve told Buck how he felt. 

“Eddie?” came his mother’s from down the stairs. 

“Yeah?” he responded, peeking his head out the door. 

“Can you come down here for a few minutes?” 

Strange. Everyone was supposed to be out longer, Eddie was sure of it. Not that it mattered much. Shannon had some family thing, and it probably wasn’t smart to bring up Buck right now. After whatever the hell that was with his father that morning, Eddie needed to play the angelic son for a day. 

“What’s going on?” he asked. 

“Nothing, darling!” his mom said, beckoning him down the stairs. “Your father is out with the girls, so I thought we could spend some time together.” 

This wasn’t completely out of left field, but it did set Eddie on edge. He and his mom always used to put time aside to spend together when Eddie was younger. But three kids and three schedules and Eddie’s eternally disappointing performance as the son she wanted had forced them to scale back on the mother-son bonding time. Now he felt caught between missing all that and the warning bells. 

“Okay. Sure.” 

They settled in the living room, his mom fussing over him to ensure Eddie didn’t do anything for himself. She even made sure to bring out Buck’s snickerdoodles as a snack. Which Eddie wasn’t going to complain about, they were very good. 

“I can’t believe you’re leaving me so soon,” she said, finally sitting down with him on the couch. “Are you excited?” 

“I don’t know,” Eddie admitted, eyes fixed on the cookie in his hands. 

“Being nervous is normal,” she assured him. “Everyone is. But when the time comes, you have to be able to let go.” 

That was such a strange thing to say. Everything else aside, the newness of college made Eddie a little anxious. The pressure and the unfamiliarity. Sure, he’d be one in a sea of freshmen who felt the same, but he was pretty sure you didn’t just let go of that during orientation week. He’d at least need to make friends with his roommate first. 

“Let go of what?” 

“The things that hold you back.” His mother reached out and patted his knee. “The things that aren’t good for you.” 

All the blood in Eddie’s body turned to ice. He’d heard that before, all about the things that weren’t good for him. 

“So Dad did tell you about last night,” Eddie huffed. Of course his father wouldn’t have his back, Eddie was an idiot for ever believing him. 

Her eyes narrowed. “What happened last night?” 

Eddie crossed his arms and pouted. Whatever. If they were going to treat him like a child, he might as well act like one. 

“Buck falling asleep here,” he clarified. There wasn’t any reason for her to act coy. Eddie had already been found out. Why not go two for two with stupid conversations that ended in a fight. 

“Buck slept here last night?” She blinked a couple times but kept her expression measured. “Where?” 

Fuck. Shit. Maybe his dad had kept his promise. 

“We were hanging out and fell asleep on the couch,” Eddie said quickly. “His parents had–” He cut himself off. No. Part of Eddie thought if he could only explain how Buck had been feeling worthless, and that Eddie couldn’t bear to let him think that was true, his mom might have understood. But that wasn’t Eddie’s secret to tell, and he’d never forgive himself if it got forged into ammo. He settled on a bare-boned version of the truth. “We were just talking, nothing else. Really.”  

Eddie hated the pleading undercurrent woven into his words. His mother had the uncanny ability to needle him in a way his father never could. He didn’t like lying to her, and he wanted to make her happy. But lately, that seemed contingent on not saying eighteen years’ worth of the quiet parts out loud. 

“Why don’t you like him?” he asked, voice desperate and shaky. 

“Eddie, I like him just fine,” she answered. Too easy, too casual. Like they were discussing flavors of ice cream. “Buck is a nice boy.” 

He loathed the way his lower lip began to tremble. So you don’t like me, Eddie thought but didn’t dare vocalize. That wasn’t something he could stomach the answer to. 

“This is what I mean,” she said softly, gently brushing Eddie’s hair back. “You have enough going on with leaving for school soon. You don’t need a distraction, especially one that upsets you.” 

“Buck isn’t a distraction,” Eddie argued, leaning out of his mother’s grasp. “He’s my best friend.” 

“Eddie, be serious.” She laughed a little bit, and Eddie bristled. “Eighteen years you’ve been working towards this. Buck is nothing more than a picture in a summer photo album.” 

“Don’t say that.” He pushed himself back on the couch a bit, face twisted in hurt and confusion. “Why would you say that?” 

“I’m not saying you won’t still be friends,” she insisted. “Of course you will. But think of the time and money that’s been sunk into your future.” 

“But I–” 

His mother barreled right through him. “Are you willing to compromise your future for some fleeting feelings?” Eddie couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Think about what the studying and the lessons and the training have done for you. Think how hard that would be on us.” 

Eddie’s heart felt like it was going to pound right out of his chest. Was Buck really such a hindrance to his life? He couldn’t fathom how. Everything was about the plan, the stupid fucking plan, from which Eddie was never allowed to deviate. He didn’t want a future without Buck, but he did owe his parents something, didn’t he? 

“Fleeting feelings” was so direct. There’d been a silent understanding of no harm, no foul thus far. But Eddie had broken that rule by kissing Buck in plain sight, so it was only fair that his mom got a turn. That bruised something in his chest, because there wasn’t anything fleeting about the way he felt for Buck. 

Then, his mother put the final nail in the coffin. “It sends the wrong message to your sisters.” 

Even for Helena Diaz, that was low. Eddie didn’t bother parsing out exactly what that wrong message was. To bring Sofia and Adriana into the conversation was the most hurtful thing she’d done.

“I slept with Buck,” Eddie heard himself say. 

“What?” 

“Buck,” he repeated. “I slept with him.” 

She wouldn’t appreciate that knowledge, but Eddie wasn’t exactly feeling generous. If they were showing their hands, that was fine. Eddie was in love with his boyfriend, and his mother hated it. 

Eddie expected her to yell, or cry, or at least hurry him out the door to go to confession. None of that happened. Instead, she just looked at him with a little sadness, a little concern. Guilt flooded Eddie's mind at the sight.  

“What is Buck going to do next week when you fly to New York?” his mother asked, chillingly even-toned. 

“W-well, we haven’t– I’m not sure–” 

“He can’t live in your dorm room, and he’s not going to be able to get a job that pays enough to support himself at eighteen with nothing but a high school diploma.” 

“Maybe I can…” Eddie trailed off. How was he, also eighteen with a high school diploma, going to get a job in his limited free time that helped? He wasn’t. 

“I’ve seen the way that boy looks at you, Eddie. He adores you.” 

That should have been a good thing, should have been sweet and soft, but it hurt. The approach was wrong, and the venom ran deep, but his mom was right. If Buck moved to New York, it would be for Eddie. If he struggled and couldn’t make ends meet, it would be Eddie’s fault. 

“But I,” love him, “like him so much,” Eddie said. Small, pathetic, defeated. 

“I know you do,” she replied, and it was almost sincere. “I can see it. But sweetheart, that’s just it.” His mother reached out and took his hand, and Eddie let her. “He’s your first, not your last.” 

Eddie opened his mouth. Nothing came out. That thought had occurred to him precisely once, before their first date. Somewhere in Eddie’s mind, he believed first and last could be the same. But Buck was his right now, and Eddie couldn’t understand why that wasn’t allowed. 

“But that’s not fair,” he mumbled petulantly. 

“It’s not,” she agreed. “But neither is putting off breaking his heart.” 

He vaguely registered nodding his head. Eddie couldn’t break up with Buck, he wasn’t strong enough to do that. But he couldn’t bear the thought of uprooting Buck’s life only to be the reason it fell apart. 

“Eddie, I’m not saying you should cut Buck out of your life. Only that you think about what’s best. For both of you.” 

“What’s best,” he repeated listlessly. 

“We’re going to be so proud of you,” she said, tugging Eddie closer until she could kiss him on the head. “It’s all going to be okay.” 

That didn’t feel true in the slightest. 

Deciding the conversation was over, Eddie’s mom left him alone on the couch. What a miserable day. He dragged himself back upstairs and into bed. 

Bzz. Bzz. 

Cowboy: jst woke up from a crzy dream
Cowboy: we were fighting a bee tornado
Cowboy: a beenado
Cowboy: like u n me
Cowboy: will the bees 4give me? =( 

This was the worst day of Eddie’s life. He did not want to give Buck up. 

Eddie: baby u kno i like u sm right
Cowboy: yes!!!! me 2 <33
Eddie: <3

Eddie turned his phone off and tossed it down the bed, then rolled over to stare at the wall and zone out for a few hours.

During dinner, Eddie didn’t speak. He ate, he nodded. He hummed and smiled a few times, but his minimal pleasantries were only directed towards his sisters. At one point, Eddie’s dad asked if he was alright, but his mom answered for him. “He’s just tired, Ramon,” she’d said. “The pre-move nerves are setting it.” And Eddie nodded, because sure, why not. She wasn’t wrong, but that didn’t answer the question. Luckily, his father didn’t know that. So Eddie cleared the dishes without being asked, declined dessert, and retreated to his bedroom the moment he could. 

Eleven weeks ago, Eddie had been content with the trajectory of his life. Not happy, but content. He’d break form now and again, rebel just enough to feel in control but never enough to burn it all down, but too many people’s happiness depended on Eddie staying the course. Eddie’s own happiness just wasn’t a priority, he never learned how to put himself first. 

In just over a week, Eddie would be in New York. He’d be starting college and experiencing his first proper foray into adulthood. His mom and dad were going to be so proud of him, Eddie would make sure of it. Everything else would become secondary when he finally reached the finish line because they wouldn’t move to goalposts again. 

Eddie turned on his phone for the first time in hours. A flurry of texts came through at once. 

Cowboy: trying a new recipe
Cowboy: scones 4 u
Cowboy: wtf this is hard
Cowboy: baby how is ur day?
Cowboy: sry if i got u in trble =(
Cowboy: eddie?
Cowboy: plz txt back?? 

God, Eddie was suck a fucking dick. 

Eddie: sry baby
Eddie: phone was off

Buck must’ve had his phone in his hand, because his reply came instantly. 

Cowboy: hi!!!!
Cowboy: r u ok?
Eddie: im ok
Eddie: call u l8r?
Cowboy: ok <3
Eddie: <3

Shannon: why is ur bf txting me
Shannon: eddie where tf r u?
Shannon: eddie plz txt buck
Shannon: i’m calling ur house

That must’ve been sent moments ago, because his father yelled up the stairs to let him know Shannon was on the phone. 

“Hey,” Eddie said into the phone, forcing himself to sound somewhat normal. 

“Have you been ignoring Buck or something?” 

Okay. Skipping right past the pleasantries. 

“No, Shannon.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “My phone has been off for a few hours, that’s all.” 

“Oh,” she responded, sounding perplexed. “Why is he being so weird about it? I thought you died or something.”  

“Probably because we fell asleep here last night and my dad caught us.” 

“WHAT? IN YOUR BED?” 

“Dude, no!” Eddie groaned. “On the couch. My dad was pissed, then my mom decided to corner me and give me the whole ‘you’d better not blow it and disappoint us’ talk.” 

“A Helena Diaz special.” 

“All this stuff about what’s good for me and who’s good for me.” 

On the other end of the line, he heard the bed creak as Shannon presumably sat up. “What did she mean by that?” 

“She wants me to break up with Buck,” Eddie admitted timidly. 

“Yeah, like that’s going to happen,” Shannon snorted. When Eddie remained silent on the other end of the line, she added, “Right?” 

“I don’t know,” he mumbled pitifully. “She made it sound like I’d be hurting him more in the long run.” 

“How?” 

“Because what if we break up in a month? Or six months? And I’m just on the other side of the country living up to my potential or whatever, and he’s heartbroken, and it’s my fault!” Eddie rambled, exasperated. 

He waited, silently pleading for Shannon to disagree. To tell Eddie he was wrong and insane and that wasn’t going to happen. But she didn’t. He knew she wouldn’t. 

“We were just supposed to hang out for the summer,” Eddie said, the words nearly a whisper. “Maybe it’s better like this.” 

“Is that what you want?” Shannon asked. 

Eddie scoffed. “Since when does that matter?” 

“Bet it matters to Buck.” 

“I was always going to leave for school,” Eddie said, realizing he’d resigned to his fate. 

Before hanging up, Shannon made him promise to think it over again before he made any rash decisions and insisted that Eddie deserved to be happy too. He half-heartedly agreed. Eddie spent the summer making himself happy and it brought him here, to these crossroads. 

Eddie’s greatest talent was always torturing himself, so in the interim between calls he put on the mix CD Buck made for him and stared at the ceiling. He turned everything over in his mind, the way a three month almost-relationship with a boy wasn’t the logical choice, how he wanted it anyway, that they were never supposed to fall in love, and the worst realization of all… that Eddie didn’t deserve something he wasn’t brave enough to fight for. 

Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. 

“Hey, Buck,” Eddie said, flipping his phone open to answer it. 

“Hi, baby!” Buck’s voice was always so honey-sweet. “How was your day?” 

“Okay,” he mumbled. It was harder to pretend with Buck. Shannon could see right through Eddie’s facade, but with Buck, he had trouble even building the wall. “Better now.” 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing. Long day.” Fuck, he needed to form longer sentences than that. 

“I’m sorry if I got you in trouble. That’s my fault, I should’ve been paying attention to the time,” Buck apologized. 

“It’s not your fault, Buck,” Eddie replied, finding his voice. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Got it?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Eddie heard the clanging of baking trays on the other end of the line. “But you’re upset, and I don’t want you to be upset.” 

“I’m not upset because of you.” 

“But I wanna make it better,” Buck told him. “What can I do?” 

Eddie took a shaky breath. He swore he wouldn’t cry on this phone call, but Buck was always so concerned with his well-being. Oh, Eddie was sad and Buck wanted to fix it? And he could if Eddie would let him? His foot twitched, an instinctive pull to drive over to the Buckley-Han residence and let Buck make him laugh about it until he felt better. But that would make an already miserable burden impossible to accomplish. 

“Just tell me about your day,” Eddie requested. “I like your voice.” 

Buck’s day wasn’t more interesting than Eddie’s, but it was definitely more fun. The details were going in one ear and out the other, but the timbre of Buck’s voice calmed Eddie down a little bit. They stayed on the phone for five or six hours, with Buck doing the bulk of the talking, and Eddie pretended he didn’t realize halfway through that this would be the last time they talked on the phone all night. 

“Anyway, since there’s no ethical way to own a shark, I’ll never get to have one as a pet,” Buck said, fighting a prolonged yawn for the entire thought. 

“Go to sleep, baby. You’re tired.” 

“Do you feel better?” 

“Yeah, Buck,” Eddie said softly. “You make everything better.” 

“So do you.” 

Eddie waited for Buck to hang up or fall asleep. He wouldn’t be the one to end it tonight. They lapsed into comfortable silence for a few minutes until Buck broke the spell. 

“Eddie?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I–” Buck inhaled sharply. Something akin to a gasp, but Eddie couldn’t be sure when the static muddled the soft noise. “I hope you sleep well.” 

“You too, Buck. Sweet dreams,” Eddie said affectionately, finally smiling when he heard Buck sigh happily. 

When they finally hung up, Eddie untangled himself from the phone charger that had gotten wrapped around his arm and put his phone on his nightstand. Tired as he was, he knew he wouldn’t sleep much, let alone well. All tonight did was prove his mother right. The longer Eddie waited, the more it was going to hurt them both. 

It was the worst night’s sleep Eddie had ever had. 

The next day, Eddie tried his best to put a little distance between them. That way it wouldn’t feel as abrupt when he ended it. This. Them. Because it would, wouldn’t it? Buck wouldn’t want anything to do with Eddie afterwards, and Eddie wouldn’t blame him for it. 

Cowboy: gm!!!!
Cowboy: hope ur feeling ok

After their first kiss, Eddie used to think there was something weirdly supernatural about their connection. Buck always knew what Eddie was thinking, and Eddie had no reasonable explanation for how comfortable Buck made him feel from the get go. Like the stars aligned or something on their first date. 

Cowboy: wanna hang out?
Cowboy: i hv scones 4 u!
Eddie: sorry buck
Eddie: busy
Cowboy: thts ok!!
Cowboy: l8r??
Eddie: maybe
Cowboy: ok <3

But the universe did not scream. It mocked. It was cruel. But it did not scream, because Eddie refused to believe he and Buck were strung together by fate for three months and no more. It was a shitty circumstance, wrong place and wrong time.

Cowboy: baby??
Eddie: <33
Cowboy: =) 

It was something Eddie would probably regret for the rest of his life. 

Cowboy: can u bring food on ur flight?
Cowboy: found choc chip protein cookie recipe
Cowboy: i’ll make them 4 u!
Eddie: thts so nice
Eddie: ur 2 nice 2 me :(
Cowboy: bc i like u sm baby
Cowboy: did u 4get =“D
Eddie: nvr

He spent the entire day spaced out. Part of him thought he was being dramatic. It was just a breakup. They weren’t even technically together. Of course he had to go to college! And what if he met somewhere there? Long distance was fine for adults, but they barely were. It didn’t have to be the crisis Eddie insisted on turning it into. He’d survive. He’d be fine. 

1 Missed Call from Cowboy at 9:03 p.m. 

Eddie’s family was constant. Through the ups and downs, they’d always been there. They always would be there. And Eddie wanted to earn their approval, finally would if he’d push himself just a little harder. Buck was a variable that Eddie couldn’t control. 

Eddie: sry buck
Eddie: can’t call
Cowboy: oh
Cowboy: thts ok
Cowboy: tlk 2 u tmrw??
Eddie: sure 

He hesitated but shot off a second text. 

Eddie: <3
Cowboy: <33 

Eddie felt nauseous. He kept reminding himself that they both knew this would end eventually. It was always just a casual summer thing. This conversation wasn’t going to be a great big shock. 

He always was good at lying to himself. 

Suddenly, Thursday was Eddie’s least favorite day of the week. Nothing good had ever happened on a Thursday, and it never would. Fuck Thursday. 

Cowboy: baby r u free?
Cowboy: plz?
Cowboy: i hv smthg v imprtnt 2 tell u
Eddie: me 2
Eddie: 3pm?
Cowboy: i’ll pick u up!!! <3
Eddie: ok 

If Eddie were better somehow, maybe he wouldn’t have to do this. 

At 2:57 p.m., Eddie was still in bed. He’d gotten up and showered and put himself together, sure, but was struck with how he was effectively ruining his own life (present) so he didn’t somehow ruin his own life (future) and had to go back to bed. Because that made sense. 

He laid facing the bedroom door, coming face to face with Buck’s leather bomber jacket. A piece of Buck that Eddie wore damn near every day. Now it would forever be a memory that hung on the back of his door. When Eddie looked at it, he’d replay the highlight reel of firsts—date, kiss, sneaking out to meet up, concert, time—and lament how no one else had ever been better. 

It only hurt so much because they were so young. Right? When not a lot of things have happened to you, everything feels like the end of the world. Eddie was good at the one-two punch of rationalizing and repressing his feelings. He tried to remind himself over and over again that logically, the first heartbreak faded. The world would not stop spinning. He would survive. They both would. 

Cowboy: outside!

But that didn’t mean he wanted a reminder of it. 

Eddie dragged himself out of bed and grabbed the jacket off its hook. He couldn’t look at it for the rest of his life or even another minute. As he bounded down the staircase, Eddie’s eyes burned with tears threatening to spill already. 

We both knew it was temporary, he reminded himself, wishing that was a more convincing argument. 

He caught sight of his reflection in a picture frame as he turned the door knob, giving him pause. Around his neck, Eddie’s St. Christopher medal glinted in a sunbeam. 

“What is this?” Buck asked, running his fingers over it. 

“A graduation present from my sister. My abuela helped her pick it out,” Eddie replied. “It’s St. Christopher; he’s the patron saint of travelers, the medal is for protection, it’s supposed to keep you safe.”

Buck tilted his head up, and Eddie felt his breath catch. “Oh yeah? And what does Eddie Diaz need protection from?”

That hadn’t been the right question. Other people needed protection from Eddie. 

He pulled the chain over his head and shoved the medal into the pocket of Buck’s jacket. 

Buck smiled and waved at Eddie from the driveway, and Eddie’s heart dropped out of his chest. It wasn’t until his fingers wrapped around the Mustang’s door handle that he understood what he was about to do. Eddie was no better than every other person who’d left Buck behind. If anything, he was worse. He was letting Buck down in such a spectacular way. After everything Buck had opened up to him about, the unwavering displays of trust. Eddie was throwing it all back in Buck’s face, and he’d realized it too late to change tactics. 

“Hi,” Buck said happily, leaning in to give Eddie a kiss. 

Eddie was only human, and so he kissed Buck back feverishly, bringing a hand to the back of Buck’s neck to keep him in place. One more for the road, as Buck was so fond of saying when he didn’t want Eddie to leave. 

“Wow,” Buck breathed when they broke apart. “Miss me?” 

“Yeah,” Eddie replied. The truth for the foreseeable future, for whatever that was worth. 

“You should keep an eye on the mail,” Buck told him as they backed out of the driveway. 

“Buck.” 

“Because I wrote you a letter. I’ve never really done that before–”

“Buck.” 

“–but I had a lot to say, and sometimes when I’m with you I kinda forget words. But I think I should tell you–” 

“Buck,” Eddie begged. “Please.” 

They pulled up to the stop sign at the end of Eddie’s block. If Buck pressed the brake any harder, his foot was surely going to burst right through the floor of the car. 

“It’s just… People always say it when they don’t mean it, and I think I really mean it, so I want to say it,” Buck rambled anxiously. 

“I don’t think we have to say it.” 

Not now. Buck could not say that now. 

“How do you know what I’m gonna say?” 

“Well, I– I don’t know what you’re going to say, but–” 

“Eddie, I love you,” Buck interjected. Steady, confident, unwavering. 

For a moment, the earth did stop spinning.

“Buck, we can’t start putting things on this level.” 

“What level?” Buck put the car in park, then took Eddie’s hand and kissed the back of it. “It’s a good level.” 

Eddie swallowed hard. Painfully. “I think we should spend some time apart. I have stuff to do for school, and I should really be at the batting cages.” 

“Okay, school stuff,” Buck said, seeming to relax a bit. “How much time do you need? It’s just… You’re leaving soon, so I’m just asking.” 

“We’ll see,” Eddie answered vaguely. God, he was screwing this up so badly. 

“Okay.” Buck kissed him. “We’ll see,” he repeated lightly, kissing Eddie again. 

Buck shifted the car into gear, rolled forward a few inches, then parked it again. 

“Wait, what did we just decide?” Buck asked. Eddie’s mouth went dry and some wailing, pathetic noise crept up his throat. “Because I’m worried you just broke up with me.” 

“Buck, we’re friends,” Eddie tried, desperate to save them from complete implosion. “Best friends.” 

“You just broke up with me,” Buck repeated incredulously. 

“Buck–” 

“Is it something I did?” 

“What? No.” 

“Is it because of your parents?” 

“We both said that this was just friends hanging out over the summer,” Eddie told him, well-rehearsed and even. 

“Okay, so we’re friends. Why can’t we see each other?” 

Eddie took a deep breath. His fingers gripped tightly at the jacket in his lap, making the leather creak. “I have certain responsibilities. This isn’t part of the plan.” 

It was a rather cold way to phrase it, but if Eddie leaning into being the bad guy made it easier on Buck, he’d do it. Happily. 

“The fucking plan,” Buck scoffed. “I should’ve known.” 

“It’s been years in the making, so…” 

“So what?” 

Eddie huffed. “So sometimes we can’t have everything we want. I have to follow the plan.” 

“The plan,” he said, making air quotes. “You make it sound like a cartoon villain.” Buck shifted in his seat and turned to face Eddie. “You don’t even want the plan.” 

“It doesn’t matter because that’s what my life is,” Eddie said matter-of-factly. “It’s not as simple as quitting. I can’t just not go to college, what else would I do?” 

“God forbid you end up aimless like me, right?”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” he refuted fiercely. Then softer, “I don’t want to do this.” 

“Then don’t do it,” Buck pleaded, teary-eyed. 

“Shit.” Eddie dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, desperate to stop the inevitable. “I’m giving this back to you,” he muttered guiltily, holding Buck’s jacket out to him. 

“I don’t want it.” 

“Please?” Eddie tried again. 

“No!” Buck shoved Eddie’s hand away. “Stop trying to give me my jacket.” 

In a desperate, last-ditch effort, Eddie begged, “Buck.” 

But he didn’t stop. Buck read Eddie clear as day, the way he always did. 

“You’re in love with me,” Buck announced. “You’re in love with me, and it scares the shit out of you.” 

“What?” Eddie reeled back in his seat like he’d been hit. How did he know? How did he always know? 

“You heard me. You’re in love with me.” 

Eddie scoffed and rolled his eyes as a very poor attempt at deflection. He crossed his arms and slumped back in his seat. 

“Tell me you love me,” Buck demanded. “Tell me you love me more than the plan.” 

It would be a lie to counter that point. Eddie loved Buck more than his parents’ stupid life plan. He loved Buck more than most things. But if he said those words out loud, there’d be no going back. 

“I told my mom we slept together.” 

“You what?” 

“I got into a fight with my mom, and she was saying all this stuff about you being a distraction and bad for me,” Eddie explained. “It pissed me off, and I just… told her.” 

“Let me get this straight,” Buck said. “You defended me when your mom said I was a distraction, but you’re breaking up with me to focus on school?”

Eddie sat in silent shame. 

“That doesn’t make sense!” Buck railed on in the wake of Eddie’s silence. “I know that you love me. Tell me you love me.” 

“I can’t.” 

Buck reached over and grabbed Eddie’s hand, holding it in a vice grip like Eddie might disappear before his very eyes. “I love you,” Buck told him, soft and broken. “Say it back.” 

“Will you just take this?” Defeated, he held out the jacket one more time. 

“No.” 

“Please?” Eddie said, voice a hair’s breadth above a whisper. 

Buck looked between them, Eddie’s eyes and the jacket, with visible unease. Eddie couldn’t blame him, it was like cutting a tether between them. But Buck always handled Eddie so gently, that maybe he would this time too. Even when Eddie was breaking his heart. Even when Eddie didn’t deserve it. 

“Fine.” Buck’s eyes were on fire, but he took the jacket from Eddie’s grasp with care. “If you want me to be pissed off to make it easier for you, then I’ll be pissed off.” He folded the jacket over in his lap and stared dead ahead out the windshield. 

The silence sounded like a bomb had gone off. Eddie bit his bottom lip to keep his composure but was failing miserably. Maybe this was the end of the world. It sure fucking felt like it. He barely registered Buck putting the car into drive and pulling a u-turn. The tires growled against the gravel as he pulled into the driveway. He was calling it. 

Eddie glanced at Buck, who still refused to look at him, and opened his mouth to say something. Anything. “I love you,” perhaps. But nothing came out. It was too late for that, anyway. It would only be a cruel parting gift for them both. 

When the first tear started to fall, Eddie hurried out of the car and back into the house. 

Thank god he was home alone for a few more hours, because anyone seeing him like this would have been mortifying. 

Eddie slammed his bedroom door shut and collapsed on the floor next to the bed. He dropped his head into his hands and cried, helpless to stop the past seventy-two hours from streaming out of his eyes. Or maybe it was the entire three months. Tears came out hard and fast, and Eddie didn’t even bother trying to wipe them away. His body shook through the sobs, and he struggled to catch his breath, all the while sniffling pathetically. 

Out of habit, Eddie reached for the St. Christopher medal around his neck, only to remember that it was gone. In Buck’s jacket, or his pocket. Or the garbage. 

“Shit,” he muttered, watery and cracked. Wiping wildly at his wet cheeks, Eddie forced himself up from the ground. He looked around for something, anything, that would comfort him. 

All he saw was Buck: the mix CD case that was on his nightstand, Buck’s football jersey draped over the desk chair, the photos pinned on his corkboard, the glaringly empty jacket hook on the back of the door, a pile of ticket stubs, his fucking Stetson. 

Eddie’s life was covered in Buck’s fingerprints. And it couldn’t be. Eddie couldn’t stomach it. He’d tainted everything. 

The tears had stopped for the time being, but Eddie felt volatile nonetheless. He was a ticking clock, emotions set on a hairpin trigger. He tried to pull deep breaths as he folded and taped one of the leftover moving boxes. Out of sight, out of mind was the only way he’d get through it. 

He hurried around the room and shoved all their memories into the box. He hesitated at his bed, picking up the stuffed deer that lived next to his pillow. Eddie had tagged along when Buck took Jee to a carnival, and of course Buck had insisted on showing off. 

“Those prizes aren’t worth five dollars.” 

Buck rolled his eyes. “That’s not really the point.” 

“That kid in the glasses looks pretty scary,” Eddie teased. “Sure you can take him?” 

“Yes, Eddie. I think I can shoot water onto the sensor better than a little kid.” 

“If you say so, Cowboy.” 

Unfortunately for Buck, he was easy to rile up and stupidly cute when exasperated. It was almost criminal not to tease him about the incessant bragging he’d been doing about his carnival game skills. 

“Knock it off,” Buck whined. “Will you please just let me do something romantic for you?” 

Eddie hummed, pretending to think it over. “Okay.” He leaned forward, pecked Buck on the cheek, and said, “For good luck.” 

In Buck’s defense, he wasn’t lying. He won handily. Eddie chose to ignore the fact that everyone else playing was in elementary school. 

“For you!” Buck said, presenting Eddie with a small stuffed deer. 

“I’m gonna name him Buck.” 

“You can’t name him that,” Buck argued, affronted. “That’s like naming a baby Human.” 

It was Eddie’s turn to roll his eyes. “Oh, so it’s only okay when you try to do something romantic.” 

Jee began tugging Buck in the direction of the cotton candy, so Buck reached out for Eddie’s hand and pulled him along. 

“I’m still naming him after you,” Eddie said, the three of them weaving in and out of the crowd. 

“And the best you could come up with was my actual name?” Buck flashed him a grin. “You’re the smartest person I know, baby. You’re more creative than that.” 

Eddie held the deer in a death grip. Though Snickerdoodle had done nothing wrong, his big eyes were too reminiscent of Buck’s, so Eddie dropped him face-down into the box along with everything else. 

Before long, Eddie’s room was cold and barren. As he folded the box shut, Eddie bit his bottom lip in an attempt to keep a sob from escaping. He blinked rapidly to stave off the fresh tears welling in his eyes and quickly shoved the box into the back of his closet. 

The quiet was deafening. He needed a distraction, any distraction, so Eddie pulled out his phone and opened his texts. How could he have possibly forgotten already? Because the last text he’d received was from Buck, and now Buck would never text him “outside!” again, and Eddie was going to be miserable until the day he died. He slammed his phone down on the bed, then his body followed suit. 

Thankfully, the pillow muffled the sound of his crying, but his brain wouldn’t shut off. He was stuck in a loop of crying, remembering the dejected expression on Buck’s face, still crying, and the way Buck couldn’t even look at him as he left. Eddie reached over and switched on the clock radio. He needed noise. Something to drown out his own thoughts. He held his breath for a moment, praying silently that literally anything besides Peter Gabriel was on. 

The song was slightly muffled and riddled with static from the speaker that had been damaged when Eddie kicked a few days prior, but the lyrics cut through crystal clear: He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman, like you imagined when you were young.

The universe did not scream, but it came damn close.