Chapter Text
Taissa
It’s not so much she didn’t notice it, but more she didn’t want to.
Yes, her TA was hot. Yes, they were definitely gay. And yes, she had already pissed them off no less than halfway through the first discussion section. She had tried to mend it, she really had, but despite her warmth and persistence following, they seemed effectively done with her. No matter; she didn’t need that; she was beloved by every other faculty at this school; she didn’t need their approval. Even though they were the outlier. Even though sometimes when they straightened their sleeves or scrunched their eyebrows, it felt like all the blood shot into her pelvis. Ew, that was too much.
At this point, she needed to let it go; all her friends had heard her my-TA-is-hot-and-also-hates-me rant enough to recite it back to her from memory. But she couldn’t seem to put it to rest. Maybe it was the mix of wanting personal validation on top of academic validation, but she just felt entranced by them. Periodically, she would see them around campus but was always too anxious to say hello, worrying it would make their disdain towards her worse. It was obvious in section, especially, avoiding eye contact and often delaying calling on her in a way that felt personal. She didn’t see how her one mildly boisterous question evoked this, but she could never get them to meet with her about it, and they were always running out of the room the moment she approached. Tai was going crazy over it. All her other classes were fine, her grades were in perfect standing, and those faculty loved her, which was how it should be.
***
It was week seven, the city was starting to get a chill to it as Halloween loomed around the corner of the week following. Tai had been studying in one of the campus cafes when she realized she had totally blanked on the time; it was 12:58, and their class was up 3 flights of stairs in a building across the quad. For most students, this would mean little to nothing, but to Tai, it was a sign of unprofessionalism, a sign she might be losing her edge, and drawing the wrong kind of attention to herself in her discussion section. She hurled her bag over her shoulder and hurried from her table with an armful of papers and books. Upon arrival, Vee was mid-sentence responding to a student who had asked about this coming paper.
“- I think as long as you surpass three separate excerpts, I’m sure you will have enough to draw from in your analysis. Oh, Ms. Turner, I wasn’t sure if you were joining us.” They had turned their head when Tai’s step had caused a comically large creak in the floorboards despite her best efforts to be quiet.
“I didn’t see the time, apologies, Dr. Palmer.”
“Not a doctor, please take your seat, we were going over the coming paper.” Vee gestured to the rows, not even removing one of their crossed arms from across their chest. Taissa pursed her lips and dipped into the room without another word.
‘Not a doctor yet’, of course, Tai knew that, she was trying to be respectful. But no, it was always wrong, she was somehow doing it wrong, no matter how much she tried. Maybe it would be best if Tai never said anything. No, then she wouldn’t get participation credit. But if she shut up she wouldn’t have to deal with the constant disappointment radiating from Vee. All these thoughts were darting through Tai’s mind; she hadn’t noticed she’d chewed straight into her bottom lip, and a dribble of blood had found its way down her chin. In panic, she wiped the heel of her wrist across in the hope to hide it. Vee was turned around to write a few questions on the board, fully extended, Tai could see a bit of their briefs peeking out from under their shirt and jacket, a band of yellow shouting from their waist of their dress pants. Was that… Batman? Were they wearing Batman underwear? She tried to fight back the snicker, but it was too late, and a small giggle escaped her lips. Vee swerved around to see Tai grinning, as well as a large smear of blood on the lower part of her face.
“Wha- Oh my god, what happened to you?” Vee said, agape.
“Ack, sorry, my lips were chapped, it’s ok, don’t worry.” Tai covered her mouth and chin with her hand, encouraging them to carry on. Vee nodded hesitantly but carried on. She was a little disappointed. She had half hoped they would try and assist in some manner, or ask someone else to get her a napkin or chapstick, but no, they just took her word for it.
The last of class carried on, Tai did her best to hold her tongue, having caused enough eventfulness to fuel the next few weeks of drinks with her friends. Of course, when she did have an answer to something, Vee did their best to avoid calling on her. It wasn’t until Tai had started out the door that something came over her. She had the look of Vee’s concerned face looming in her mind and couldn’t shake how quick they were to dismiss the issue of Tai’s lip. It was like they actually hated her, and suddenly her hands were both clenched in fists so tightly her nails were piercing into her palms. She turned on her heel and strided back into the room. Vee was just buckling their bag when they looked up to see Tai standing in front of them, all other students having left.
“Ms. Turner, is there -” they started.
“Do you hate me?” She could taste the salty tinge of blood in her mouth, knowing her lip had reopened, but she was past caring, they clearly didn’t anyway.
“Where is this coming from? I do not, but this also seems like an inappropriate conversation to start with me in the first place.”
“It seems like you hate me.” Vee starts towards the door, shaking their head, but Tai won’t have it, following behind them in determination.
“Look. I clearly am upsetting you with my behavior in some manner, and I want to know what I am doing so I can improve. I do all my assignments to a tee and turn them in on time, respond to your emails, contribute in discussion but don’t speak out of turn. However, there is clearly something still wrong.”
Tai is rattling points behind Vee as she chases them down the hall, their eyes are locked ahead but she can see their eyebrow slightly lifted with attention.
“If you have an issue with my grading, you can speak with the professor.” They say back, their eyes still scouting the hall for exit routes.
“I have amazing grades; it’s not a matter of your grading style. You actually give really good feedback.” Tai pants, rounding the corner on the TA’s heels, as a look of frustration appears on their profile from the failed attempt to shake her.
“Then what is the problem?” They finally spin around, stopping so suddenly that Tai collides into them. They nearly knock the poor grad over.
“The problem is that you clearly have some sort of disfavor towards me.”
“I treat and view all my students equally, if they give me a reason to hold them to certain standards of strictness or rigor, I adjust.” They snap back quickly, their icy blue eyes sear into Tai’s, making her swallow the air in front of her. But no, she cannot back down. In her three years at Barnard she had never had such a peculiar experience with an instructor and she needed to know what was wrong and how she could fix it.
“You do not.” She crosses her arms but makes sure to keep her face blank, trying to prevent any attitude from diluting her point.
“Ms. Turner–”
“Tai.”
“-- if you have a serious matter of concern please schedule an appointment for office hours where we can discuss your assignments and general class performance.” They speak through bared teeth like they are fighting off cursing Taissa out, their eyes shooting around her only meeting hers for moments.
“It is not about my performance. And even if it was, you don’t respond to my emails and you continuously reschedule or direct me towards the professor.” Tai feels insane at this point. Literally what is their problem? Tai was a model student, maybe a bit of a stick in the ass at times but for the most part a delight she would argue. But for whatever reason this TA wanted her head on a spit. Or maybe for her to just vanish into thin air, never to be heard from again.
Since the beginning of the semester, instructor Palmer had refused –and Tai really does mean refused– to make eye contact with her in class, even when calling on her, which was infrequent even when it was clear she had and knew the answer. They were warm and joked with many of the students before and after class, but almost always seemed to be packing up and leaving the moment Tai approached. Palmer had an amazing reputation at Columbia, their Rate My Professor score was near-perfect and Tai had even taken time to read a few of their smaller publications they had contributed to. Impressed was an understatement to say the least. But here she was, getting cold-shouldered so heavily it felt as if she was getting ghosted by a tinder match rather than trying to get ahold of her own section instructor.
“Dr. Palmer,”
“--Not a doctor.”
“Yet.”
“If I’m lucky.” A small smile creased into the side of their cheek for a moment as they shrugged coyly and looked at the ceiling, the first time they had given anything but the bare minimum commentary to conversations with her.
“--I just want to know if there is something I need to improve upon.”
“Ms. Turner,”
“Tai.”
“Ms. Turner, I–”
“Why do you insist upon referring to me so formally when I am literally your inferior?”
“I do not like to diminish my students to such a binary, now I was saying–” They choked back at Taissa, somehow winded in the dispute despite Tai knowing they flourish under pressure (Tai had watched a few of their recorded debates they had done in undergrad).
“Is that not factual?”
“It is not a matter of facts but preference, Tai– Ms. Turner,” Tai was smiling a little now, watching a small glint of sweat appear on their brow, illuminated by the fluorescent lights and cracking at their seemingly perfect mask they had curated for the undergrads.
“And my preference is to maintain that boundary, so please respect it.”
“Never mind that, why are you so much colder to me than with other students?” She could see their chest redden under their dress shirt, sucking their teeth in frustration.
“I am not colder, Ms. Turner, I am merely doing my job. My job is not to be buddy-buddy with you, it is to make sure you’re successful.”
“How am I supposed to be successful if you never call on me or respond to my emails?”
“Ms. Turner, I have a meeting to get to.”
“So you’re just going to ignore this?”
“You can talk with me during office hours if it still feels necessary.” And with that, they flipped around, shutting the doorway they had been standing in and leaving Tai alone in the hall.
***
Heat coursed through as she walked home. The sun was creeping between buildings on the quad in beautiful streams of gold; it almost softened the anger pulsating from her chest. She was so mad she had to abandon her coat, wrapped now in her arm and covering one of her hands that was balled tightly into a fist. I cannot believe they won’t even admit they’re being weird. It’s one thing to be an asshole but it’s a whole other thing to not even own up to it. They’re so fucking annoying. They probably are just intimidated. By how smart I am. Yeah, I’m probably smarter than them.
This elementary-ish mind circle continued for her whole walk back until she arrived at her apartment. Her lip by now was sore and a bit swollen and her palms had her nail marks pressed into them. Swinging the door open, she was met with her roommate in boxers and a baseball tee, drinking what looked like iced coffee out of a measuring pitcher.
“Oh my god hi, I didn’t think you’d be home for like three more hours.” Lottie made no effort to adjust, only showing shock that Tai had derailed her usual schedule of staying on campus until at least seven.
“I didn’t want to stay out tonight at all, I’m fucking pissed off.”
“Ooooh I wonder what it could be about?” She had shifted over on the couch, folding her long legs against her chest to give Taissa space to sit with her. Tai, in an admission of resignation, took the spot next to her.
“Yeah. You would be correct.” Lottie had a massive smile on her face as her brown eyes glowed against the kitchen light, pressing her chin to her knees she asked,
“So… what did they say?”
“Oh my god, it was so fucking stupid. I just tried to ask them if they hated me because they literally always act like I’m the bane of their existence and–”
“You asked them if they hated you. Like just straight up?”
“Yeah, but like,”
“Tai, that's crazy.” The smile had cracked somehow larger across her face, making Tai’s jaw tighten.
“No, it made sense in the moment.”
“How could that have possibly made sense in any moment with your TA, Tai?”
“God, I knew you wouldn’t get it.” Tai stands up, throwing her bag back over her shoulder.
“Noo! I’m sorry, please come back, I want to know what happens next!”
“It’s not a romcom, it’s my real life, and it’s a mess!!”
“But if it’s a romcom, then at least you two’ll get to fuck at some point.” Lottie twirls a lock of her hair and bites her tongue. Lottie couldn’t be serious about this if she tried, and Tai really thought she would calm her down. With a puff, she whirled around to her room and snapped the door behind her.