Chapter Text
-~A~-
It wasn’t perfect, trying to rest in the car, but it would have to do. The door was frozen over, but still open from when Auggustine had kicked it…fuck, had that been only a few hours ago? It felt like weeks. Thank god Winnie had one of those fancy ass cars, with the foldable seats. Why any person would need to push the backrest all the way back to the point of it practically being a bed was beyond Augustine, but, wow, he had never been so grateful for the ‘useless’ feature.
Winnie was still curled up in his arms, taking stuttering breaths every now and then. It was heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time, to see him like this. He didn’t deserve any of this.
Winnie was too perfect.
It pained him to do so, but eventually Augustine lowered the taller out of his arms and onto one of the seats, his heart stopping at the loss of Winnie's (minuscule) weight in his arms. It felt wrong, just to leave him there, but there wasn’t much else he could do, really.
Well.
He could…lay with Winnie.
Like, for warmth of course. Because he was naturally warm, and Winnie was naturally cold. No other reason. Not because of the thought of snuggling up with the taller, lacing his hands through his blonde hair, pale hands pulling him close like Augustine deserved his company--
Fuck, he was so screwed.
What was he even doing anyway? He was supposed to be looking after Winnie, not fantasising about hugging him. It just--was it so bad to crave physical affection? Not in a freaky way. Just…to want Winnie's hands around his, to want to feel the grounding, cool skin against his own, to cuddle when nights got hard, to just…exist together. God, he must be so fucking touch-starved to be thinking like this.
Either that or a total fucking psychopath.
So he tore his gaze from Winnie’s gorgeous face and moved to push the passenger seat down, so the brunette could also get some sleep. It took all his mental strength not to scooch next to Winnie, to whisper soft comforts in his ear, to keep him safe.
Maybe it was his desperate confession before, but something all of a sudden felt... different. Like he had gone from wanting to bury his stupidly gay feelings, ignore them until they went away, to feeling…ok.
Not ‘good’. They were a far way off from ‘good’.
But acceptance, and the small, tiny fragment of hope that maybe, just maybe Winnie liked him back.
He acknowledged his feelings, as stupid as they may be.
Augustine risked a glance over at Winnie, eyes soaking up his kind features and pretty clothes--ones not made for this weather at all. With a sigh, the brunette took off his jacket and gently wrapped it around the other, grabbing a picnic blanket from the boot and putting it over the both of them for warmth.
Only then did he let himself rest, one hand in Winnie's to check his pulse at all times, facing directly up. He wanted to roll over and soak up Winnie’s gorgeousness, but he feared the temptation might be too strong.
He closed his eyes, praying inwardly to a God he never believed in.
‘Dear god. If you're real, then prove it by saving Winnie's life.
-from Auggie’
He smiled.
Yeah, that oughtta do the trick
-~W~-
Winnie blinked his eyes open. That in itself was stupid--he was meant to be dead. Hadn’t he had this whole ass inner monologue about giving up, all for what, him to pussy out?
Yes, apparently. That was exactly what happened. Part of him regretted it, waking up. Dreaded the chilly air stinging his tired eyes, the morning haze mixed with guilt. It was like waking up on a Monday morning, except you went to bed at 3 am the night before, AND you had a test coming up.
The lights were harsh, the air was sharp, the…whatever-he-was-laying-on was cold. Fuck, he was cold. It was nowhere near as bad as before, though, so he guessed that was a plus.
Another part of him felt guilty. Guilty to have put so much unspoken pressure on Auggie, to put his health in the others' hands…guilty about being reliant. Winnie worried sometimes, if he himself was doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. He didn’t wanna be like that, always seeing the worst in people, and most of the time he wasn’t!
He just…got anxious. That he had done something wrong, that Auggie didn’t want him anymore.
If the brunette presumingly carrying him across the snowy plain while he lay completely unconscious didn’t disprove that theory, he didn’t know what would.
So why didn’t he save you from falling?
…
Winnie sighed. He didn’t feel like delving into all that shit now, not when he was half asleep in some weird ass blizzard.
After a while of laying there, basking in the fresh morning air and relife of being asleep, he decided he may as well open his eyes.
Blinking sleep out of hazy blue eyes, he looked around, half expecting to find himself in some sort of bear cave, hoping to be in his bed, to laugh and say, “No way! It was all a dream!”
But perhaps that was just his positive speaking.
Nothing, however, couldve prepared him for the sight he saw when he opened his eyes, his breath catching in his throat.
He was…He-
He was in his car.
How? Where? When? Did Auggie carry him here? Yes, that would make sense. The door had been forced closed, held together by some duct tape he must’ve had in the boot, both the passenger and driver seats pulled back, (thank god his parents were rich and could afford this car), acting as beds. A picnic blanket draped over him, it was really a cozy environment.
The cosy factor was probably escalated by about a thousand points when he realised he was wrapped in Auggie's jumper, the scent of the brunnte drifting its way into Winnie's head, making him sigh.
But it wasn’t the car that had Winnie's face as flushed as it was, nor the jumper around him. Not even the thought of Auggie running through the storm, laying him down on the makeshift bed as if Winnie was some kinda disney princess, how his honey eyes would look down at Winnie, gently sliding his jumper over pale arms, sacrificing his own comfort for Winnie’s sake--
No, it was none of that.
Because across from the blonde, separated by only about a ruler's length, was Augustine. And god, if he wasn’t an angel, then Winnie didn’t know what to think.
Even in sleep he was stunning; his face rested in such a lovely, peaceful position it made Winnie wanna cry, his body tilted deliberately up as if to tease him. Every inch of Winnie wanted to roll over, to wrap his cold hands around Auggie's body, to let him know he was loved. He wanted to whisper in Auggie's ear how amazing he was, how Winnie couldn’t live without him.
How he was so fucking sorry that he had ghosted Auggie, how he regretted it with his whole heart every night when he went to bed, scrolling through old messages from when they used to be inseparable just to fill that Auggie-shaped hole inside him, craving the feeling of Augustine’s protective and possessive arms around him.
He shouldn’t; he knew that. It wouldn’t be right, Auggie was half asleep, it was dangerous, not a good idea.
But maybe the cold was getting to his brain, or maybe--even though he would never admit it--maybe the words that Augustine had yelled to him, desperately, were still swimming in his head.
“Shit…Win, please don’t go, I-I can’t live without you, I need you!”
It made him breathless, to feel needed, to feel wanted. For someone as incredible as Augustine to think that he was that special, it was just so amazing and heart-warming and--
Aaaaaand he was heating up.
Shit.
He took a deep breath, trying to ground himself, but his air was contaminated with Auggie Auggie Auggie Auggie--
And the last thing he had said- “I LOVE YOU!”
Declared in the heat of the moment. It probably didn’t mean anything. It was probably just something he yelled in the cold; maybe the temperature was getting to Auggie too.
But…he said it with so much heart-wrenching passion, like a million tons let off his chest..
Winnie sighed.
It was in his nature to be positive, even when the gift started to feel more like a curse.
Somehow, despite talking himself out of it--or trying to, at least--he still believed, at the core, that Auggie had meant what he said.
He hoped at least.
…
….
Ah, fuck it. May as well enjoy this fleeting friendship while it lasts.
With a final deep breath, he closed the distance between them, pressing himself against the other as much as he could, trying to absorb as much body heat as possible.
He sighed, breathing a deep breath of ‘Auggie’
It was going to be fine.
So long as they stuck together, it would be ok.
Winnie smiled, from the heart, this time, not from the head.
-~A~-
Augustine woke up when he noticed Winnie's hand missing from his. It was as if a cold, grounding thing that he’d been relying on to feel safe had been taken away, leaving him with the longing for more.
It was after that thought that he realised that they had been holding hands so that Augustine could check his pulse. So that he could be assured that Winnie was alive.
And if there was no hand in his--
A wave of panic settled in his gut, eyes opening wide instantly.
Had Winnie run away? Did he care about Augustine? Was it too much?
He probably heard what you said, your desperate confession. He probably hates you now.
Good going, Augustine. You just had to drive away the most amazing and kind person ever.
He turned his head to the side, expecting to see an empty car seat and thrown off blanket, maybe his own jacket on the seat (he couldn’t imagine Winnie ever stealing anything). He expected cold tears to fall down his face, to curse himself for being reckless, to want to die. After all, a life without Winnie was… terrifying. Sure, they hadn’t talked in a year, but it didn’t stop the ever-present longing within Augustine, craving affection only Winnie would give.
What he actually saw was Winnie, blue eyes wide open--and fuck, his eyes were enchanting-- his platinum blonde hair looking graceful in the cold air, pale cheeks lightly dusted with frost. He was snuggling up in Augustine's jumper (which didn’t fit him at all), curling up with the picnic rug as if to retain any warmth possible. The sight alone was enough to make the blood rush to his cheeks, his breath lost at the sight of Winnie just looking so effortlessly beautiful.
But it was what the taller did next that made Augustine fucking heat up, despite the freazing whether.
Only about half a second after Augustine rolled over did Winnie also roll over, but he didn’t just roll to face another direction, no.
He rolled over towards the brunette, closing the agonisingly short distance between them, wrapping his pale limbs around the other man's. He pressed so fucking close to Augustine, their cold skin against each other, legs tangled, Winnie's cold breath on his neck.
Holy.
Shit.
Augustine was frozen, and not from the cold. His brain was short-circuiting, barely being able to process the piercing cold air anymore, all his thoughts being consumed by WINNIE, WINNIE, WINNIE. Winnie around him, Winnie hugging him, Winnie’s hand running through his hair. He wanted so desperately to lean into the touch, to be able to smile, be content. He could feel the sparks fly, his skin on fire from the electricity. He should be happy.
Winnie hadn’t run- he was still here.
...
Why wasn’t he happy?
…
The questions that Augustine had been ignoring for a year now spillled out into his brain, his body tensing further. Why had Winnie ghosted him? Was he trying to trick him? Was it all a lie, a ruse to get Auggie to trust him so he could break his heart harder??
Was anything real?
He wanted to accept it.
He did. but…
He couldn’t.
“Win- What are you-” He grunted out, his voice barely audible in the flushed state he was in.
Winnie only hummed in acknowledgement. “ ‘m Cold. You’re warm…”
He pressed himself impossibly closer, as if trying to seek out warmth.
Right, because that's what this was about. Warmth. They were just two best friends trying to survive a blizzard, nothing else.
They weren’t lovers.
They weren’t in a romcom.
It was purely platonic.
…
...
...
Winnie seemed to notice him tense up, because after a while, he pulled back, his pale hand once again finding Augustines. They lay across from each other, faces barely 20 cm apart, the sheer intensity and admiration evident in Winnie's eyes taking Augustine's breath away.
“Auggie…are you ok?”
His voice was so beautiful, like a thousand angels singing to him.
‘Are you ok?’
Was he ok?!?!?
No, of course he wasn’t. Everything had gone so horribly wrong; Winnie probably hated him-- why else would he run away? Why was he doing this again, if he was no longer Augustine's friend?!
EVERYTHING. MADE. NO. FUCKING. SENSE!
It was almost enough for him not to notice the hot tears falling down his face as a million bottled emotions poured out in front of him. He shouldn’t be doing this-- crying like a goddamn 5-year-old. But maybe it was Winnie's voice, or maybe it was a year of holding down tears, of pushing back emotions.
The words tumbled out of his mouth faster than he could control.
“AM I OK?!?! YOU- YOU GHOSTED ME FOR A YEAR! LEFT ME ALONE IN THIS WORLD! I--I” The tears came at full force now now, unable to regulate them anymore.
“I JUST-” He paused, letting the tears fall.
“I just…want you to like me. As a friend, as a whatever. I thought we were close, but…”
A deep breath.
“A-am I just trash to you? Someone you follow, taking everything they love? Are you using me? Please I-”
He was interrupted by a cold hand softly caressing his cheek, gently wiping away tears. He wanted to rip away, to tell Winnie to leave, but…he couldn’t. There was something so loving about the way he held him, something that made Augustine want to be here forever.
“Auggie...No…Listen to me.” Winnie intertwined his fingers with Augustine’s, squeezing ever so slightly.
“I…I’m sorry I haven't talked to you. I…I feel so bad, and I regret it every night. Did you know I reread our old messages, to try and…feel something again?”
Apparently, the colour rushing to Augustine's cheeks was enough of an answer for Winnie.
“I…Do you remember last year, Auggie? I…fell down the stairs, and you were there, and i know you would never push me but-”
It was Winnie’s turn to take a deep breath, trying to form the mess of words in his head into a sentence.
“I guess I just worry. I worry I'm not good enough, I worry that you don't want me…I just think you're so awesome, you know? I want to be like you because you're my hero, Auggie!”
Augustine cut in, speaking softly. “You took over my whole life, you took my friends, you--”
“And I am so fucking sorry-” Winnie spoke through tears, blinking his clear eyes rapidly.
“I…struggle with knowing what's too far, when to stop. I didn’t know what to do; I thought that maybe distancing myself would fix it.”
“How would that fix it?”
“Because…it hurt me, to second-guess you. It hurt so fucking bad and I-”
“Why?”
Winnie blinked, a dazzling smile entering his face.
“Why? Because I love you too, dummy!”
…
...
…
...
.
.
What.
“What?”
Winnie giggled.
“Hehe! I heard what you said before!”
Augustine's mouth dropped.
“It was very romantic, by the way! I woulda toats fallen for you had I not been helplessly in love already!”
Augustine felt all formatted sentences leave his vocabulary.
“I-you-are-....Why?”
Winnie blinked, tilting his head in a way that was just too fucking adorable.
“Why? Because! You're the most amazing, incredible person ever! I wouldn’t live without you! ^^”
“I…I dont deserve you…”
“Hm?”
“You- are so good and I’m just a piece of trash, I--”
“oh.”
Winnie sighed. “So it’s gonna be like this-” He murmured under his breath, taking his hand out of Augustines.
The shorter panicked. Had he messed up? Did Winnie still want him? What had he done wrong?
“Did I do something wrong..? Im sorry, I-”
Instead of answering, Winnie rolled on top of Augustine, holding himself up by the elbows, face only 10 centimetres away from Augustine's.
The tanned felt all the air leave his lungs.
“I’m staying because I love you, Auggie! I love how you took a chance with me, despite us barely knowing each other. I love how you always stick with me, even when we fight. I love how you let me ramble about whatever I'm fixating on, I..Just love..you.”
Augustine felt the blood rush to his face.
He's lying. He had to be.
“And god, you're so beautiful too. I love your eyes, how they speak a thousand words, I love your effortlessly beautiful hair, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Auggie!”
He’s using you.
“I.”
Don't give in.
“Love.”
You're stronger than this.
“You!”
…
Augustine was so fucking screwed.
“Are you sure you- want me?” Augustine says, and it sounds so stupid that he has to close his eyes to collect his thoughts. “I mean- I- I’m not going to leave. Even if you don’t-"
“Don’t be stupid,” Winnie says, perfect eyes sparkling. “I told you. I love you.”
“I’m broken.”“That isn’t going to work on me,” Winnie says, lying down on Augustine's chest, basking in his warmth. “I’m broken too, remember? We’ll be broken, together. hehe!”
The voice in his head goes silent.
“I-you- you .”
“Me?” Winnie asks, amused.
“You’re so amazing,” Augustine says sincerely, warm arms hugging Winnie, holding him close. Possessive, maybe, but how could he help it? “You’re fantastic.”
Instead of answering, Winnie shifts and ghosts his lips against Augustine's jaw.
Augustine's hands tighten in the other's shirt, his heart beating so fast that he can feel it in his head and his ears.
“Sorry,” Winnie mumbles against his skin. He doesn’t sound sorry. “Can I kiss you-?”
“Yes.” Augustine says, ahead of his own brain, breathless already, “ Yes .”
“hehe!"
Winnie laughs that unnerving child-like peal, but it’s soft and excited. It’s soon stifled by a kiss on Augustine's jaw, and then up to his cheek, nose, eyelids. Augustine can barely breathe.
Winnie's lips are fire on his skin, soft and loving, like he had wanted to do this his whole life.
Winnie plants a closed-mouth kiss on Augustine's mouth, and then draws back before going for it.
It’s overwhelming and beautiful and perfect and messy.
He thinks your trash.
Winnie swings his leg over Augustine’s torso so he’s straddling him, both hands flat on Augustine's chest, smoothing his wrinkled t-shirt down with so much care.
Why would someone as amazing as Winnie want a piece of garbage like you?
He grins at Auggie before kissing him again. He’s obviously not kissed anyone before, but he isn’t hesitant about it.
You're an embarrassment to him. He's gonna forget about you, after this.
Winnie holds his face like it’s something special, something good. Augustine shivers at the realisation. Winnie laughs into his mouth.
He’s using you. He’s doing this so you won’t kick him out. He needs you.
No. No hes not.
He’s shown nothing but passion.
Augustine takes a deep breath.
“I love you, Win”
“I love you too, Auggie. So much more than you can imagine”
“Can we- can we rest like this?”
“Hehe. Though you might say that. Yes. We can figure out what the hell is going on later. For now, good night, Auggie”
…
For once in his life, the intrusive thought never came.
“Good night, my love.”