Chapter Text
….
”You’re shitting with me, right?” asked a very intrigued redhead with his head still against the cold wall next to him, he was looking at his enemy in the eye who seemed to not care about what he just said to the tall boy.
”Why would i be shitting with you, Kahl? i heard your sad little gay story and it reached my heart strings so bad.”
Kyle almost barked out a big laugh at that, sympathy? from Eric Theodore Cartman? yeah right he wasn’t born yesterday and he knows this asshole since he was still popping inside diapers
”You’re unbelievable, just leave me alone for once, Cartman, this is serious i made up a big fucking lie and i can’t redo it.”
Cartman scoffed at that
”Well you did seemed to have an option before, you mentioned you “freaked out” and said it without thinking, should’ve shallow that little ego of yours and also leave that date, dumb fuck.”
There it goes, that feeling that always bubbles in the pit of Kyle’s stomach every time Cartman opens his fat mouth to be a smartass, it’s like something catches fire inside him and he needs to burn the other boy with those flames, so he exploded.
”Oh for god’s sake, wtf do you want Cartman? what could you possibly get out of this you fat piece of shit?? you always do this shit always! i can’t never expect something good out of you, loud, obnoxious brat!” yelled the redhead, face also red like his curls
Cartman raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms
”Can’t i just want to help a friend out?”
Kyle actually laughed this time
”We are NOT friends! we have never been friends at all! just tell me already, what do you want?”
Cartman shrugged
“I’m bored.”
Kyle stares at him
”You don’t exist, i’m ignoring you” The redhead looked ahead, quiet and with a big frown onto his face
There was a peaceful quietness coming from the area for some blissful moments to the redhead, he closed his eyes for a second and let out a sigh to try and ease all his nerves, but when he opened his eyes he got startled to see the brunette right in front of him, kneeled down to be face to face with him
”Let me help”
”no!”
”Let me help”
”no”
”Let me help”
”NO!”
”Goddamnit Kahl! why you’re always so difficult??”
”HA says the most easy person on the planet go to hell fatass.”
Cartman scoffed as he frowned and poked Kyle’s cheek and like a kid, he did it again
”Let me help”
Kyle loses it, jumping on him to hit him on the ground
“AAAAAA YOU LITTLE SHIT” he yelled actually strangling the fat guy with both hands, Cartman squirmed and tried to get the upper hand but Kyle was a little shit and always managed to be stronger than him, but after the redhead saw how purple Cartman’s face has become he let go, panting hard as he stared down at his enemy who was catching his breath and coughing
“YOU PSYCHO! you almost killed me!” says the brunette, grabbing his sore throat with a pained groan
Kyle scoffed
“Yeah, almost, i was so close this time”
Cartman narrowed his eyes at the redhead
”Fuck you Kahl, i won’t help then! ungrateful jew.”
Kyle couldn’t care less, he just wanted to be left alone
”Yeah yeah, fuck you too, just leave me alone.”
He let go of the brunette and went back to lean against the wall, hugging his knees to his chest this time. Cartman stood up, looked at the redhead with disdain before getting back inside Kenny’s apartment, the last sound Kyle heard was the door clicking shut. Kyle was screwed, he shouldn’t have taken this lie so far, now how could he face Nichole without an actual boyfriend and actual homosexuality? fucking hell, for a straight A’s student he sure was a idiot sometimes, he groaned as he hit his forehead against his knees a few times, the tall man only stopped when he felt his pocket vibrate, slowly he reached for his phone and saw a notification from Instagram, shit, Nichole..
Kyle gulped as he stared at the notification, he debated if he should ignore it or not, maybe it would be too rude or maybe he would only make things worse and the girl would end up CALLING him, Kyle was terrified of direct confrontation, it always makes him shake (as long as if the confrontation wasn’t with a certain big ball of mass) mostly with girls though he is scared of them.
With shaky hands the redhead finally decides to open the notification, his phone getting to Instagram now.
Once opened the text said
”Hey Kyle, it’s me, Nichole! I hope you don’t mind but i asked Stan to give me your ig so i could talk with you, anyway, the thing is i need to know if we could anticipate our double date??? Look my gf is just so excited to meet other queer people that she won’t go to work on Friday just to hang out with us, so can you??”
Kyle stared at his phone with a unreadable expression, it was supposed to be the perfect opportunity to be honest and bail, but really? could he really be cold enough to crush some closeted homosexuals dream of coming out and acceptance? No, he didn’t have the heart for that, maybe if he was Cartman he would do it, but he wasn’t, so once again Kyle did the impulsive and most dumb thing ever and said that yes they could anticipate their date, awesome! Now he only has one week left until the inevitable disaster.
….
The redhead went home completely disheartened, the hope he had before of bailing this arrangement went all down tonight, just cause he couldn’t be a selfish asshole and destroy their plans, now how can he find someone to help him? Tolkien wouldn’t agree to that, neither would Craig or Tweek and everyone knew they were an item since they were like 10 so it wouldn’t work, and Butters? Too gullible for that, so yeah, nobody would help him.
Kyle couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, too preoccupied with what he should do, he thought and thought and around 2 am while tossing and turning in bed he decided: fuck it
He jumped out of bed, grabbed his winter coat and gloves, hat has been gone for years now and left his apartment with a furious look on his face.
….
The redhead arrived at the location where he has been a few times before but not exactly comfortable with, not like his old house with his parents and the familiar surroundings, but how could he forget this new one? That’s where the biggest disgrace of his life lives, Eric Cartman’s home, shit, he’s really doing that at 2 in the fucking morning, but what’s a poop when you’re already creamed in the pants with shit?
With one last look at the car mirror, Kyle left the vehicle and made his way to the front door, shivering from the cold, he stood there just looking at the door for what seemed hours, reluctantly he pressed the doorbell.
….
He waited
and waited
and
Fuck it, he was too anxious for that.
Kyle moved, looking around the house trying to locate something he could climb, by the back he spotted…a tree, huh, how nostalgic, he climbed the damn tree, almost falling down but he managed to reach the window, hah, unlocked, Cartman got amateur with time.
Once inside the dark room Kyle stopped the silhouette of the fat man, he stared at it for a few seconds before he walked towards the bed.
Kyle looked down at his pathetic fat face, he was drooling and snoring quietly, with all the happiness in the world Kyle gave him two slaps in each chubby cheek
”WAKE. UP!”
the brunette jumped to life and stared at Kyle in horror
“UM EXCUSE ME??? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?
Kyle just looked at him with his cold blooded green eyes
”Be my fake boyfriend, fucking fatass”
Cartman stares back, then he snorted and laughed
”HAHAHA awwww looks who’s crawling back to me, desperate Kyalllll~?” he singsonged
Kyle didn’t backtracked this time, he took another step closer, almost invading his personal space
”Yes, yes i am, now help me.”
Cartman tried to be subtle about it but Kyle could clearly see the apprehension in his eyes while he gulped
“W-what? admitting defeat already huh Kahl? doesn’t suits you at all.”
annoyed but utterly impatient Kyle says
”please.”
Cartman got quiet, blinking a few times before saying
”Shit quit being gay already is getting on my nerves! Ugh, you better have brought some flowers, Broflovski”
Kyle finally grins in delight at the fatass acceptance, he straightens up and replied
”For you? I’ll bring a bouquet.”
Cartman grins back
”Alright jewboy, sit down, we have a plan to discuss.”