Chapter Text
When Buck wakes up he's not alone but Eddie is clearly awake, he's sat up and looking at Buck. When he sees Buck looking back he looks trapped like a deer in headlights.
"Whatcha looking at Diaz?" He grins.
"You," Eddie says and it's so soft. "You sleep well?" He asks as Buck presses his head into his side, seeking the warmth, seeking Eddie.
"Yeah you?" He asks.
"Like a baby," Eddie responds and Buck chuckles at that.
"When's Chris home from camp?" he asks, eyes closed and just breathing. This is the first time he's woken up in a bed that wasn't Derek's.
"Tommorow morning, we can go get him together if you'd like," Eddie tells him and that has Buck spring his eyes open and sitting up.
"Yes, that would be great," he smiles.
There's this horrible feeling in his chest, that even though he's home, he's with his family, he's happy. He feels he shouldn't be, Buck feels he should be back in that house, talking with the two faces that had grown so familiar. He wants to talk to them, to scream, to fight, to apologise for leaving and it's a really dumb thing to want but he does.
Eddie smiles and then he stretches and gets up and Buck isn't the happiest at the lack of warmth and he groans to emphasise this but Eddie just chuckles, "I would offer you a coffee but I'm out of milk, are you alright if I run to the store quickly," he asks as he pulls of his shirt and into a new one.
A part of him wants to say no, feels he may panic like he did at the airport but another part of him needs to do something stupid.
"I'll be fine," he says and he yanks the covers around him more, "Enjoy the cold," he mutters. Whilst LA is a generally warm place, where he had been before was even hotter, so the October breeze was a bit more chilly then he remembered.
Eddie laughs, gets changed and is out in a matter of minutes, once Buck hears the door close he's out of bed and looking around, he finds Eddie's tablet, then he searches up Bonnie Streets in an online phone book until he finds her number and then he's grabbing the old landline Eddie keeps in his home and dials the number, pressing the phone to his ear.
There's a few rings until an answer, "Hello, who is this?" Comes the familiar voice. Buck stops, he doesn't know what he's going to say he just breathes in and out, terrified, "Derek is that you," comes the voice and a choked sob escapes him. "It is, you need to come home baby, you can't be out alone, you need to come home," she says, cooing.
"That's not my home," he cries. "I'm home, and you're not my mom," he says. "You're not my mom and I'm not Derek and I'm sorry I can't be, I'm sorry you lost him but I'm- I'm Buck," he cries.
"Darling you know you're not, you're upset, come home I'll make it all better, please come home," she asks and he's crying even more.
"I hate you, and I'm so sorry," he cries even more.
"Derek, please, please come home," she pleads and it sounds like she's crying too.
"I can't, I'm sorry mom, I'm so sorry," he sobs and then he puts the phone down.
He doesn't know how long he's sat there on the floor, knees pulled to his chests as sobs wrack through him but one moment he is crying and the next Eddie is there, holding him close. Buck didn't even hear him come in.
Eddie is speaking to him but he can't hear him, he can feel him rubbing circles into his back and a hand cradling his head but he can't hear the words. He feels stupid and scared and so goddamn lost. There's a million emotions running through him.
"I'm sorry," he chokes out, to Eddie for being a complete mess when they are meant to be happy, to Bonnie for leaving, for not being able to replace her son and to himself for not being strong enough.
Eddie's face comes close then, his cheek pressed to the side of his head as his lips graze his ear as he speaks, "It's okay Buck, your going to be okay," he soothes and Buck cries more, until his throat feels raw and all he can do is squeeze his eyes shut and cling onto Eddie like a lifeline.
Once he finally calms Eddie wipes at any stray tears and Buck hates it, hates that Eddie's having to care for him like this, he isn't Eddie's problem.
"I'm sorry, I just, I had to," he begins.
"I know, sometimes it hits you all at once, you'll need time. Buck it won't all fix straight away," he tells him.
"No, I called Bonnie," he said.
Eddie freezes, "You spoke with her,"
He nods, huddling more in on himself. "I'm sorry, I just had to apologise, she didn't deserve to lose her son,"
"Well we didn't deserve to lose you," Eddie retorts and it's the sharpest he's been since Buck has returned. "We've all lost people we care about, it doesn't give us the right to kidnap people, to rid someone of who they are for their own benefit, you didn't deserve that Buck, you don't need to apologise to her, she committed a crime, authorities are going to deal with her," he says and a sick churn goes through his stomach, she's going to be arrested, and it sounds like Eddie's already made the call. He knows it's a good thing, it was a crime, Buck lost six months of his life, but his brain isn't there.
"I know, I'm sorry," he whispers in response.
"And you don't need to apologise to me, I just want you to talk about what's going on in your head, if not to me then to Maddie or a therapist, I know it's going to be a mess up there and bottling it up won't help," Eddie explained.
Buck nods, his head hurts from the crying but he wants to talk. He can talk to Eddie. "I know the difference between Buck and Derek, I know who I am, I just don't know how to get rid of Derek," he explains.
"Tell me about Buck,"
"What?"
"Tell me all the things you know about you, what you like, perhaps with some coffee, how does that sound?" Eddie questions and Buck nods, the brunette stands and offers his hand and Buck takes it and is led to the kitchen where they sit at the dining table once Eddie's finished there coffees.
"I don't really know where to start," Buck says.
"Want to name your family?" Eddie suggests.
Buck nods and begins, "My mom is Margaret- wait there divorce, what happened with it?" He blurts getting sidetracked.
"They went through with it, Maddie hasn't really heard a lot from them since though they were around for awhile after you disappeared," Eddie explains and he nods.
"Alright, well she's my mom and Phillips my dad and then Maddie is my sister married to Chimney and they had my niece Jee Yun and nephew Nash," Buck begins to say as Eddie nods, never looking away.
"Then also where I work is Hen, who's married to Karen and has two kids Denny and Mara and then Ravi who's dating May who is the sister to Harry and both of them are Athena's kids and then there's Bobby too, and then my favourite person-," he says and Eddie lights up. "-'S dad works there, yeah Christopher Diaz's father, just can remember the guys name," Buck says earning him a shove across the table.
"Alright, Christopher is the son of the one and only Eddie Diaz, the man in front of me now," he smiles.
"Good," Eddie smiles. "Now tell me stuff you like," he says.
"I like cooking, fun facts, being a firefighter, hanging out with you and Chris, and being an uncle," he responds.
"See you know who you are, all those things are what makes you Buck and so if you think you're stuck, if you can't decipher between you and Derek you think of your family and the things you like," Eddie explains to him, resting a hand on Buck's forearm.
"You're a bit too good at this," Buck tells him.
"It's what I was taught when I could tell the difference between being here and Afghanistan, it's different then you but I'm hoping the method will help," Eddie tells him.
"Thank you," Buck smiles and Eddie squeezes his arm.
***
Eddie is angry but he can't show that, he hates what Bonnie did but Buck doesn't understand it. Eddie thinks if it had been him in that place he wouldn't have felt sorry for Bonnie, loss is hard, he knows that but this is cruel, Buck is not Derek, he's this beautiful person that Bonnie snuffed the light out of, so when he went to get groceries and called Athena about making sure charges were pressed he didn't feel guilty, and he didn't feel it when he came home to find Buck completely dissociatinging and bawling his eyes out, because that is not Buck, he shouldn't be hurt, he should be smiling and spending time with his family, not having to remind himself who he is.
"Do you want to talk, I know you were looking for me, and I know it probably wasn't really spoken about, are you okay?" Buck asks.
And oh if that isn't the most Buck thing he can do. Thinking of Eddie more than himself, damnit Eddie wants to kiss his stupid mouth but all he can do is speak instead about the things eating him up and be honest with Buck.
He sighs, "I just kept looking, till I couldn't, all this time, I thought those guys in the diner had killed you, I thought you had been hate crimed and it made me feel sick, it made me angry but mostly I just blamed myself, when they made those comments and I couldn't control myself, I thought I had gotten you killed," he responds, not looking Buck in the eye as he wills away the tears.
Buck takes his hand then and Eddie looks at him, "Thank you for looking for me and I'm sorry you thought this happened to me because of you," Buck says and his eyes are watery too as he takes Eddie's hand.
"You need to stop apologising, Buck, and stop being so considerate, you're too kind," Eddie replies, earning him a chuckle.
"That was beautiful," comes a voice and they both jump out of their skin as there, leaning against the doorframe, is Maddie.
Buck is clutching his chest as he practically wheezes, "How did you get in, Eddie always locks the door?" He questions.
"I have a spare key," she tells him with a grin, lifting up the offending object.
Buck looks from Maddie who came and stood next to him back to Eddie with his mouth agape, "This new friendship of yours has layers? Wow, if I knew getting kidnapped could make you guys so close I would have done it ages ago," he jokes which earns him a light smack on the shoulder from his sister. "What are you doing here anyways?" He questions.
"Take a guess," Maddie responds putting a hand on her hip and Eddie lets out a laugh as he stands, grabs his and Bucks coffee mugs whilst pulling out the chair beside Buck so Maddie can go within it.
He can hear the siblings chat as he washes the mugs and tidies the mess he had made in the process of making the coffee's, though after a minute it goes quieter and he comes in to just find Maddie.
"He's just gone for a shower," she answers before he can ask. "He's not okay is he?" She then questions and of course she can pick up on that.
Eddie shakes his head, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. "I went out to grab groceries and he called the lady that kidnapped him whilst I was gone, to apologise for leaving," he explains.
"What the hell happened whilst he was there?" She asks.
Eddie's eyes flicker down the hallway to where Buck would be and then back to Maddie, "He pretended to be her comatose son, it's why they took him because they look alike, I had been close Maddie, so close to finding him, I went to the damn house he was at but then they heard me and Buck agreed to play along with them for my safety," he explains not looking her in the eye.
"Oh God," she mutters.
"He's having a tough time separating himself from the kid he had to pretend to be, he needs professional help," he explains and she nods.
"I can make some calls, get a good psychiatrist to be seeing him by the end of the week, I don't want to throw him in the deep end," Maddie tells him, fiddling with the edge of her cardigan.
"Yeah, that sounds good,"
"I can bring his things over if he's going to be staying here for awhile," she says and there's a knowing hint in her tone.
Eddie feels blush creep to his face as he responds, "I don't know how long he's going to stay here, I think it's worth asking him before we make any brash decisions," he says and then he sighs a little. "I'm just so happy he's alive,"
"Me too, though I have the urge to not let him out my sight ever again," Maddie tells him with a smile.
"Don't worry I'm already on that," he responds and she chuckles.
Once Buck reappears he's looking much more refreshed then he did before, his curls are a little wet and he's changed clothes, though he's in Eddie's clothes still but this time with a blue shirt and trousers. "Sorry, I looked to see if you had any of my clothes around but I couldn't find them," he tells him but Eddie doesn't mind at all, really he's quite enjoying seeing Buck in his clothes.
"It's fine, I put most of your stuff in my attic for safekeeping," Eddie tells him. He still remembers the day he, Chimney, Hen and Maddie went to his apartment. They packed up clothes quite well, the cooking supplies Eddie took and Maddie took some of his old photo albums or family heirlooms, it was hard from there to decide where things would go, any video or board games got split between going to the fire station, Chris or Denny and then the rest of his trinkets got split between Eddie and Maddie. Eddie still had his phone since the crash and it stayed that way. It was a very unspoken thing that Eddie would be getting a lot of Bucks stuff but it happened, then Eddie didn't think much into it but now he knows, they all sort of knew how much Buck meant to him before he knew.
"Speaking of your things would you want me to bring the rest around here," Maddie said, Eddie had to hide his face for a moment, taken back by her sudden twist of the situation.
"Oh, I don't know, I mean I shouldn't be intruding so much, I need to probably start looking for a new place," Buck tells them.
Eddie whips his head around instantly, "You're not intruding, you can stay here as long as you want," Want. Not need. As long as he wants too.
"Really?"
"Buck you can stay for forever if you want," Eddie responds in an instant.
Bucks mouth is agape in a sort of shocked smile for a few beats before he finally speaks, "I might just take you up on that offer,"
Eddie grins, he's happy Buck seems much better then he did not long ago, and if staying here helps he is more than glad to extend that invitation.
A cough pulls them out of the situation, now becoming aware that there is still another in the room. "Let's get to it then," she grins.
The rest of the day blurs together from getting everything from Maddie's to bringing it back to Eddie's and sorting it out and then getting all the items down from his attic and going through it. Buck looks happier Eddie finds and he remains that way for the rest of the day, throughout the day people come and go from Eddie's house, including Karen, Denny and Mara who we're glad to hear of Buck being back and then once again he finds himself in bed with Buck, but the man looks sadder again.
"I'm sorry about this morning, I love my family and I just need to learn to forget Bonnie and Earl, I know it'll take time, but I'll be back, I'll be Buck," he tells him as they're facing one another in bed.
"You're already Buck, you always will be," Eddie reminds him and the smile that appears on the others face is all he will need to sleep a peaceful night. Though Buck doesn't. Eddie wakes to the sound of choked back sobs and finds Buck curled in on himself, crying, stuck in his own mind, a nightmare. Eddie shakes him awake and lets the other cling to him as Eddie reminds him whatever was going on his head wasn't real, that this was real, Buck sleeps peacefully after that, Eddie doesn't, guilt eats him up but he knows he can't dwell on that, it doesn't help him and especially won't help Buck and he's trying to do everything in his power to help this man. The man he so dangerously loves.
***
Buck is practically bouncing in place as he waits for Chris' bus to arrive, it's a mix between nerves and excitement about seeing the kid that means so much to him, he can see Eddie out of the corner of his eye, a knowing smile on his face and Buck can't help but feel more giddy just from that face. Whilst pretending to be Derek he had to remember things in his mind to help him cling to Buck, Eddie's face was a big thing, the last thing he saw before he lost Buck, back in that car, and then when he got Buck back, when he heard the name, it was Eddie's face and voice saying it.
The bus pulls in and he waits anxiously until finally he appears, Chris, he watches the kid scan the crowd of parents until he zeroes in on them and then he's moving. Since becoming a teenager Chris had become less likely to hug and now at sixteen it seems near impossible but as soon as Chris is close enough he's grabbing hold of Buck and hugging him.
"Hey buddy," Buck responds and he has to hold back tears.
"Where have you been?" Chris responds, and his face is hidden in Buck's chest, a bit muffled, he sounds like he may be crying.
"I got taken, I would never leave you," he responds, holding him tighter.
"I know Buck, I missed you so much," he says, pulling away.
"Me too," the blonde tells him and then he notices Eddie smiling like a madman and things feel complete, there all here, all together, it's like a finished puzzle, finally, his family is all back together.
Over the next few weeks Buck starts therapy sessions with an older guy who specialises in cases similar to his, some about people with multiple personalities or PTSD, either way it helps him a lot. After a couple of sessions, and a lot of emotions, he does a evaluation and gets cleared to join the LAFD again. Everyone now knows what happened, at first the looks are painful, everyone looks at him like he was fragile, everyone except Athena, she looked at him like he was brave and that helped. Soon the looks eased to normal as he re-entered society and his family and began doing the work he loved again.
Eddie helped a lot through it all, being a shoulder to lean on and someone to talk to when he couldn't express what he needed to in therapy or to anyone else, Eddie understood, he always did and that was probably how it didn’t take long for him to realise how irrevocably in love with him he was.
***
Today was a quiet day, they were both off shift so had spent the morning sleeping in, in the same bed that they had been sharing for the past three months, but now Buck had gone to his therapy appointment, Eddie had offered to pick him up but Buck had insisted that he liked being able to walk home afterwards and reflect on it all and Eddie couldn't blame him for that, so that is why he's sat, waiting. The door opens and shuts and Eddie perks up at the sound, getting up from the couch and heading down the hall. There he sees Buck sliding his shoes off.
"How was it today?" Eddie asks and Buck pauses and looks at him, it's a bit too long of a pause to be average so the brunette opens his mouth, ready to speak but then Buck's moving, closing the gap between them as he grabs hold of Eddie's face and pulls him in until their lips connect. It's unexpected but pure bliss. Once Eddie's brain stops short circuiting, he takes action. His arms go atop his shoulders and he pulls Buck closer as he kisses back, firmly, replicating the affection he is being shown as much as he can. He feels Buck's lip twist into a smile as an arm goes around Eddie's waist, holding him close.
They kiss until they need to breathe but even then they stay impossibly close, holding onto one another as they press their foreheads together, "Today was amazing, you're amazing," Buck tells him. Eddie didn't respond, mouth agape trying to form a coherent response. "I haven't misread this all have I?" the blonde questions pulling back a bit but Eddie shakes his head, "Good because I was really having a hard time figuring you out, but then when I came in and you were here straight away asking about how therapy went, I just knew,"
"I love you," Eddie tells him.
"I love you too," Buck responds and Eddie kisses him again, pulling him in by the shirt, it's messier this time, built with longing and their time apart, and all those years of dancing around each other unknowingly, this is the start of something, something beautiful.