Chapter Text
It was three days before Sam and Bucky could sit down to talk about what happened that day. In Bucky’s mind he was calling it his ‘off day’.
Off day sounded better than having a bad day. Bad days were reserved for his trauma outbreaks. That wasn’t what happened on Wednesday. Everything was just off, hence why he locked up in his room crying.
Bucky doesn’t cry easily, or as it seems ever. He has had lots of time to find other ways to hide his feelings away and cope with them. However unhealthy his coping mechanisms are he’s still not a crier.
Steve was out running errands leaving Sam and Bucky to themselves for the afternoon. Steve didn’t know what they were going to do but Bucky refused to let Captain go with Steve, he needed the support for what they were going to talk about.
Sam made them coffee as Bucky set up a nest to sit in on the couch. Captain was at his heels sensing that Bucky wasn’t doing too hot right now. He was managing but he wouldn’t call today a good day. It’s hard to rebound after the off day.
The mugs of coffee make a clinking noise as Sam comes into the room not to startle Bucky. Bucky appreciates Sam’s caution even if this wasn’t directly related to his trauma. It’s more about the after effects, the depression, paranoia and anxiety all the shit Hydra did to him left behind.
Bucky looked up at Sam entering and nodded to the other side of the couch for him to sit. Sam gave a tight smile and sat down facing Bucky and brought Stacy to sit into his own lap. Bucky had Captain so Sam could monopolize the cat for a little while.
Less words is better with Bucky. He tends to try to fill the silences when they do things like this so Sam just nods his head, takes a sip of his coffee and waits for Bucky to explain himself.
“I didn’t realize I’d hurt Steve” Bucky said after a long stretch of silence. Sam shock his head, this wasn’t about Steve it was about Bucky. The brunet crinkled his nose and nodded understanding. “I’ve been calling them ‘off days’ in my mind. When I can’t focus or everything just comes crumbling down. Most of the time I can just watch a movie on TV and the focus on things over than my own shit will keep steady,” he sighed into his coffee cup before continuing.
“I just… felt off balance that day. That everything was tilted 30 degrees. There were nightmares the night before. You know that stupid dinosaur one” Sam nodded understanding the reoccurring dream. It was odd, it was one where they were at the beach and then all the sudden the boardwalk is attacked by dinosaurs. All the pedestrians are helpless and trying to run but the prehistoric creatures don’t give a damn about them. The animals are chasing Bucky, Sam and Steve. “We had gotten separated this time… I don’t know if they got to you or Steve,” Bucky closes his eyes remembering the part that woke him up. “I was in a parking garage or something and there was this little red dinosaur that seemed like a dog. He had enhanced hearing and scent and no matter how fast I ran or how much I distracted it. It was just on me and I couldn’t shake it.” Bucky lets out a pathetic laugh at the next part, “I tried to hit it on the nose like when Stacy is bad. But it made me more anxious and then I woke up.”
Sam nodded along to Bucky’s words because no matter how many times they did this he wasn’t a certified therapist. He couldn’t tell Bucky what his dreams meant or how to make them go away.
Bucky had stopped to collect his thoughts, Captain was licking his hand to encourage him to keep going, he gave the dog a pitiful smile and started to talk again not meeting Sam’s eyes. “Then once I was awake, I didn’t wanna wake Steve ya’know. So I went to my room to try and sleep some… no surprise it didn’t really work. I’d fall asleep for like a half hour-ish and then my anxiety would wake me up.” Bucky huffed at his troubled sleeping, “fuck Sam I don’t even know what was making me anxious. Technically I’m over 100 years old, and an ex-fucking-assassin why am I anxious about sleeping in my own damn house. It’s not like you or Steve wouldn’t fuck up any ole Hydra agent that tried to get us.”
“There is no Hydra anymore Buck” Sam reminded his friend gently.
His blue eyes were trained back on petting Captain in an instant realizing what he had said. Logically he knew Hydra was dead but there was a part of him, deep down, that was still scared.
Bucky didn’t know what else to say to his friend. He assumed that the nightmare had been what set him off that day. He only got like 2 hours of sleep after it and realistically he hadn’t had a meal since since Sunday. So his breakdown was justifiable.
The ex-counselor sighed at Bucky’s inability to share more, that he needed to be pressed for information. “So how long has it been happening?” Bucky raised his eyebrows at the nonspecific question. Did he mean the nightmares, the not eating, the lack of thought.
There wasn’t a certain day that this all started, just one day Bucky noticed things in him had shifted. He was used to them shifting in a good way not back into his old ways. He supposed the first thoughts about it had been one night he was laying awake and heard a train go by. The thoughts he had weren’t outright suicidal… just what if he got hit by the train.
These types of thoughts were usually put to bed when he thought about Steve or Sam or the pets. No matter how much he loved his housemates he wouldn’t trust them to take care of the animals. Steve doesn’t even let Stacy have human for God’s sake.
Sam nudged Bucky’s leg signaling he was caught in his own thoughts again. Bucky cleared his throat, “I guess uh- it started four … maybe five months ago” Sam did a shit job at hiding his surprised expression at this revelation. Bucky tried to backtrack quickly not wanting to seem that he was actually really fucked up. “I mean … it wasn’t that bad in the beginning. Just little things and I have Captain it was fine” until it wasn’t went unsaid. Sam knew it did, he needed to know when it stopped being fine. “I mean I guess it was sometime two months ago, I kept going to tell you guys what was happening and I’d just shut my mouth and stop. I didn’t wanna bother you with my dumb problems. I mean you guys have other shit going on and ya don’t need my shit bogging you down more” Bucky was meticulously tugging through Captain’s fur at this point. The dog didn’t complain or whine just let Bucky do what he needed to keep talking.
“I stopped eating normally about two weeks ago,” Sam almost missed the confession. “I just haven’t been hungry I dunno. And I’m either sleeping too much or only 3 hours. I sleep during the day a lot and then lay in bed with Steve at night. He sleeps, his arms around me grounds me but I can’t sleep.” Bucky pauses to collect himself again and find what he needs to say next. “Sam, I think I got worse again. The other night I couldn’t help but scratch at the scars until they were new slight lines” Sam’s face was worried again. “I didn’t break skin” Bucky added hurriedly, “I just needed to feel something. I can’t feel my body anymore, I’m constantly cold cause I don’t eat and all I want to do is sleep. I know it’s not the trauma. This is my anxiety affecting my depression and pushing me down deeper and deeper.”
Bucky felt done after that he felt exposed enough for the day. Captain barked at Sam to warn him that Bucky was slipping. “Alright man, you're good. I’m glad you could tell me this. But I have some news you don’t want to hear.” Bucky sighed knowing exactly what Sam was going to say. “But I think it’s time you went to a therapist, someone specialized in depression and anxiety. You can’t live like this anymore. Because we both know you're not living, and if Wednesday is any indicator then Steve is being affected too.”
The super soldier did all he could to not look hurt by Sam’s words. But he knew in his core that it was true, that he was hurting Steve.
He doesn’t trust his voice but he had to prove to himself, Steve and Sam that he can do this. Logically he knows he can’t keep living like this it sucks, and since the serum has elongated his life it’ll last even fucking longer. He had to figure out a way to stop muddling through life and get better.
When he finally made eye contact and nodded Sam smiled put the kitten on his lap while he went and retrieved his laptop. Sam had already done some searches for therapists in the Philly area. He was anticipating that they would one sooner or later.
Bucky busied himself entertaining Stacy as she batted back at his hands. He didn’t really want to see what Sam was doing on his laptop, to be honest it was already stressing him out. Therapy was supposed to be in the past, he had gotten better… he was supposed to have gotten better. And yet here he sat looking over a page for a christian based therapy group.
“So uh…” Bucky once overs the page again. In theory the website was supposed to be calming and serene, but there was something that still made his hands shake. “I think I have to email the person first… and since it’s the weekend I should just wait till Monday right. I don’t want my email to get lost in the list of other fucked up people” Bucky was gnawing at his bottom lip the moment he stopped talking.
It wasn’t ideal to keep waiting but Bucky was doing good. So Sam agreed and the situation was tabled like that.
“Hey buddy” Steve’s voice was chipper for someone who was just out for nearly 6 hours running errands. But that was Steve Rogers for ya, he was happy to help or be useful no matter what. Which is why Bucky’s off day had such an effect on him. He felt useless and powerless. So Bucky decided he should make it up to his boyfriend.
The blond was still greeting Captain when Bucky made his way to the kitchen. He didn’t know where Stacy or Sam were, but that seemed to happen more often these days. Something about his job keeps him held up in the office and Stacy levels him out.
Bucky bent down to pick up the bags that had been forgotten about in favor of the dog. Steve looked up at his boyfriend with a smile like he just saved his ass. He stood to be eye level and gave Bucky a quick kiss to say thanks.
Sometimes they didn’t even need to say the words. They just worked around each other putting the stuff that Steve bought into it’s places. It was nice, domestic even.
Once the chores were done Bucky sat down at the dining room table. He gave himself a view to watch Steve while he cooked. Steve pre-Philadelphia couldn’t cook for shit which was weird being an artist and all. But now, now Steve’s cooking is all Bucky wants to eat… besides Wawa.
It’s become part of their ritual that Steve will cook a nice meal on the weekend. He doesn’t let Sam or Bucky help, just Steve taking control of the kitchen. Bucky likes to think he is helping by picking the music they listen to. Sometimes it’s soft in the background while they talk other times it’s there to fill the silence that they have fallen into. Not a bad silence just comfortable and familiar.
Today Bucky didn’t want the silence, he had too many thoughts about the conversation he and Sam had earlier. He needs the distraction. “So Steve” he started from the other side of the door frame.
Steve looked over his shoulder and gave Bucky a cheeky grin, happy that he was in the mood to talk, “so Buck.”
“How was your day today Stevie” Bucky decided to start off light and casual. He hadn’t decided if he should tell Steve about his own day yet.
Steve couldn’t help the dopey smile that spread across his face, “It was good, lots of errands.” Bucky nodded at his words and didn’t even notice his boyfriend coming up behind him. Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky before he said “it would’ve been better with you.” Bucky didn’t even bother to suppress the shiver that ran down his spin as Steve mouthed at his neck.
Steve smirked as he pulled away but Bucky just made a disappointed noise at the lose. “Mmm babe don’t go make it a better night” Steve laughed at the poor attempt at a pick up line. “Stevie don’t laugh at me!” Bucky said in fake astonishment. Steve barked out a laugh to which Captain barked back at.
“I think Sam is coming” the blond murmured in between kisses. Bucky huffed and reluctantly pulled away.
Sam laughed as he walked down the stairs and saw Bucky frowning at his arrival. “Thanks for announcing me bud” Sam patted Captain on the head as he made his way into the kitchen. Once Sam’s back is turned Bucky goes in for another kiss. “Steve if you don’t stop kissing your depressed boyfriend you’re gonna burn the nice dinner you were cooking for me” Bucky’s eyes go wide at Sam’s attempt at a joke.
Your depressed boyfriend.
Is that who he was now, did that mean he had to admit it to Steve. Anxiety thrummed through his veins but before it made it too bad Steve was already back to his cooking. But Steve didn’t bring up Sam’s joke, if it was important he trusted Bucky would tell him.
The rest of dinner went off without a hitch and with Captain’s head in Bucky’s lap. He knew where to sit and who would sneak him scraps. Steve always pretends not to notice as Bucky’s hand disappeared into his lap and the sound of Captain chewing could be faintly heard. Sam probably couldn’t hear it under his own story, but Steve’s enhanced hearing gave Bucky away.
Tonight was Bucky’s turn to do the dishes and Steve’s turn to choose the movie. Sam set up on the leather recliner in the corner of the room to give the two love birds their room. He was planning on leaving half way thru anyway. Bucky began to get handsy after a while, and Sam had a feeling the two had things to work out. Hopefully talk about, but if Bucky blows Steve to say sorry… well at least it’s something.
Steve’s pick tonight was Interstellar. He liked to say ‘Hey maybe I’ll be like Matthew McConaughey and go find a new planet for us’ Bucky and Sam would just roll their eyes and reluctantly agree.
Sam didn’t time it but Bucky’s hands had moved out of site almost exactly at half thru the movie. So Sam faked a yawn and said good night. Captain looked at the two on the couch and decided to follow Sam to bed, which was odd. Captain usually slept with Bucky, but it seemed since Bucky had Steve, Captain wasn’t needed.
Not even two minutes after he heard Sam’s door close Bucky had rolled over and started peppering Steve’s neck with light kisses. “You know he wasn’t actually tired right” Bucky whispered into his skin. Steve was trying to not be distracted by the feeling coming from Bucky’s shorts and the hot breath on his neck made the movie less interesting by each passing second. “He just didn’t want to stay and see what I was going to do to you to say sorry for my off day” Bucky’s mouth moved to finally connect with Steve’s. That was the point that all hopes of finishing the movie was abandoned, good thing they’d seen it before.
Steve let out a pleased little moan “mmm what did you have in mind sweetheart?”
Bucky had lots of ideas of what he wanted to do to his perfect boyfriend and almost all of them ended with Steve so blissfully fucked out that he can’t even form a word. “It could take all night babe” each word was punctuated with a kiss down Steve’s clothed chest.
Steve couldn’t let out the little gasps and groans that escaped his lips. Bucky hummed at his boyfriend’s pleased response. He decided they were both wearing far too many clothes and mad fast work of their shirts. He let himself really appreciate Steve’s muscular torso and abs.
The movie was far past over before they made their way upstairs to Ste-their room. They had refused to stop touching in some way as they went upstairs and fell into the king sized bed and picked up where they had left off downstairs.
Bucky was right that it would take all night, his goal to have Steve thoroughly fucked out had proved to come true after 3 and half rounds. The last one only counted as half because Steve was too spent to do anything besides suck Bucky off in hopes to get him to tire out and be as blissed out as Steve was.
The fell asleep in a tangle of sheets and limbs. Bucky had pushed off his own pillows and had to retreat to basically using Steve as a human body pillow. The blond didn’t complain just carded his hand through his hair until they breaths were synced and they fell asleep.
Bucky jolted awake in a panic and was meet with a sleepy Steve tightening his grip around his boyfriend. Steve was still pleasantly asleep which made sense since they only fell asleep 3 hours ago. But Bucky’s mind was apparently stressed so he needed to be awake now.
This wasn’t supposed to happen, his mental shit was supposed to affect him this soon after he was filled with endorphins courtesy of their actions the previous hours.
Yet here he was trying to calm his breath as Steve hung onto his torso still pleasantly asleep. Bucky debated waking Steve and trying to talk to him about what was going on in his head. But that was too soon, he didn’t want to bother Steve with his intrusive thoughts it would just make today another bad day. Bucky thought it was time he finally had a good for real.
Usually it wasn’t that easy but Bucky just buried his face in his boyfriend’s bare chest and took a deep inhale to calm his breath some more. The different sensation woke Steve slightly and he just hummed to try and calm Bucky by petting his brown hair. The brunet didn’t think much would come from this, he thought he’d just stay up until Steve was awake. But not even 30 minutes later Bucky was asleep again.
Steve woke up before Bucky woke again. It was about eight in the morning, which was rather late for the pair. Steve didn’t want to move in hopes to let Bucky have a bit more sleep, plus the fact that half of Bucky’s body was already on top of Steve. He could feel his chest move with each breath. Steve just listened to them in a slow peaceful rhythm.
And then there was a crash and Captain barked pulling Bucky abruptly from his dreams and putting him in defense mode.
“Shit, fuck” Sam curses were coming from the kitchen, “all clear Captain, just shit dropping.” Sam paused for a second before yelling an all clear upstairs that immediately put Bucky at ease.
Steve reached up to run his hand through Bucky’s hair to help him relax. Bucky’s shoulders instantly relaxed and he turned to face Steve. Steve continued to scratch at the base of his boyfriend’s neck emitting a pleased hum before saying morning. Steve gave him a dopey smile and kissed him gently before returning the sentiment.
Another crash came from the kitchen ruining the moment, this time they heard a scared Stacy and Sam curse again. Bucky just rolled his eyes and gave Steve another quick peck before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. “Com’on let's go see what Wilson is fucking up down there. I don’t like that he's made both my animals scared in the last five minutes.”
Steve got up with an amused huff “not to mention my boyfriend too.”
He laid a quick kiss at the base of Bucky’s neck before grabbing the nearest sweatshirt and tossing it over his head. It was the big Phillies one they had bought to look more ‘local’. Bucky hated that they had to root for the team, but since the Dodgers moved and being a Yankees fan would’ve been too obvious they had to settle for the Phillies. Since they were awful tickets were cheap and they had dollar dog night, a favorite in the Barnes-Rogers-Wilson house.
The two made their way downstairs and were greeted by an over excited Captain, another crash, and no sign of Stacy. “Okay but what the hell is Wilson doing,” Bucky questioned quietly making Steve chuckle.
Each of them pet Captain as they walked through the living room towards the source of the various crashes.
It seemed that Sam had every single piece of food, and kitchen supplies out and on every surface he could find including the floor. It was basically a maze of pots and pans with Sam standing in the middle throwing some stuff in the trash that accompanied him the middle. Bucky scrunched his nose up smelling something particularly rotten, not the nicest smell right after you wake up.
“Sam…” Steve started trying to figure out what was going on, he couldn’t so he asked “what the hell?” Sam looked up slightly panicked and shrugged continuing to throw shit out.
The two boyfriends made confused eyes at each other. “So Stevie you wanna go out for breakfast since our kitchen seems to be a war zone. Sam vs. the kitchen basically the next world war.”
“Ha ha very funny Barnes” Sam replied dryly without looking up from his task.
Bucky gave Sam a sarcastic smile and salute before grabbing Steve’s arm and heading towards the door. Steve laughed at the rush Bucky seemed to be and insisted they should at least put on better clothes to go out. Bucky let out an over dramatic sigh and agreed following Steve upstairs.
When Steve pulled off the sweatshirt to put on a flannel Bucky couldn’t help but stare, maybe today was a good day. “See something you like there Barnes?” Steve asked in a mocking tone. Bucky could only offer a stupid nod. “Com’on babe I’m hungry let's go” Steve said once he realized that Bucky was still staring at him. Bucky would’ve been embarrassed if Steve wasn’t so fun to look at.
Steve decided he wanted to take the bike to which Bucky didn’t argue. He appreciated the excuse to have his arms wrapped around Steve’s frame for 20 minutes.
They pulled up to their favorite ma and pa diner outside the city. Bucky smiled at the place that Steve had picked, he was being a good boyfriend today. Which meant Bucky should return the favor and tell him what is actually going on. He often told Steve heavy stuff while they were eating and in public, it generally made his response less… dramatic.
Bucky didn’t think that Steve would take it bad, he just wanted to be safe.
The two sat down at their usual table and were greeted by their usual waitress. They came here a lot since no one asked why they both always ordered so much food. It also helped that Steve insisted on tipping like 70% because he thought the food was so cheap. Bucky and Sam blamed the time he spent with Stark for that one or it was because Rogers had a big heart.
With two cups of coffee down for each of them Bucky decided he was ready to talk about it.
Steve could tell Bucky wanted to talk about something, he just didn’t know what.. He tried not to show he was stressed about it by blabbering about whatever came to his mind from the upcoming baseball season, to Captain, to this new up and coming artist he had discovered the past week. He didn’t know what Bucky could possibly need to say to him, but it seemed like it had been bothering him for a while. He had no idea what could be causing Bucky to act different.
“Oh and the other day I heard-”
“Stevie” Steve shut his mouth instantly when Bucky interrupted him. He didn’t look mad, even a compassionate smile spread across his face, like he thought it was endearing when Steve wouldn’t shut up. “You’ve been going on about nonsense for the past half hour, and I know it’s cause you know I have shit to tell ya” a blush creeped on Steve’s cheeks as he nodded. “So let me talk, it's nothing too bad.. I don’t think- no it’s a good thing. It’s just one of those heavy good things. Wilson is helping me figure out with his old criteria and all that. I don’t need his new expertise in flipping houses or whatever the hell he was doing in the kitchen this morning.” Steve shot Bucky a look to signal now he was the one blabbering.
Bucky took a deep breath and let out a small right before continuing, “So basically my off days have been coming more frequent than they used to. I don’t know why, I can’t exactly put my finger on what is causing them. So I think it’s time I went back to therapy, one that specializes in depression not my trauma. Because it’s not that, my mind is just a bit of a mess again and I need help sorting it out. So I gotta email the lady tomorrow to make an appointment but uh yeah.” Bucky was still staring at his napkin because he was scared of Steve’s reaction.
Steve waited a beat to make sure Bucky was done before reaching over the table and softly holding his hand. The action startled Bucky slightly before he looked up and was meet by Steve’s smile.
They didn’t have to say anything, the way that Steve’s thumb stroked over Bucky’s hand was words enough. ‘I’m proud of you’, ‘you can do it’, ‘I’ll be here if you need me’, were all said in the small intimate action.
The two were so enthralled in their own world that their waitress held there for 10 minutes after it was done to let them have their moment. The look in their eyes proved that it was important even if they weren’t talking.
That night with Sam and Steve’s help Bucky drafted the email he would send to the lady he wanted to meet with for therapy. Steve couldn’t help but keep praising Bucky and telling him how proud he was that Bucky was getting help for himself. It made Bucky smile, this was going to help, they would get better. He did promise after all.