Chapter Text
Hayden almost dropped his phone and then almost dropped himself off of the bed. What the fuck? Him having the same taste in men as Shane?! Who was gay? So gay that he was actually married to another man?! And not just any man but the biggest asshole in the league?!
There was no way Jackie was serious, was there?!
Private chat with Jax♥
You: WHAT?!
Jax♥️: Honey, you’ve been super close with Shane for years
Jax♥️: And you pay attention to the people you are close to
Jax♥️: You care
Jax♥️: I love that about you
You: Right…
Jax♥️: So why do you think you’ve never noticed that Shane looks at some men differently than other players do?
Hayden let out a pathetic groan that sounded even worse in the quiet of his room. This was ridiculous. Shane probably just hadn’t looked at any men when Hayden had been around. Yeah. That had to be it.
It did make sense. After all, his former captain had apparently been hooking up with Rozanov for the entirety of his hockey career. So, he had probably not paid any attention to anyone else ever… right?
It had to be true. It was the only plausible explanation.
Because… well, Hayden could try as hard as he wanted to to recall a moment when he had noticed Shane looking at another man with more attention than was maybe strictly straight… he came up entirely empty every time.
You: Idk? I wasn’t really paying attention
Once again, Hayden hated how defensive he sounded. He was terrified and he couldn’t even really say why. He knew that he wasn’t homophobic. So why did the insinuation that he might be bi scare him as much as it did? Especially because he still didn’t think it was actually true.
You: He was probably too focused on Rozanov to pay attention to anyone else anyways
Jax♥️: Well, did you ever notice anything about how he looked at Rozanov then?
You: Obviously not.
You: No one did
You: That was kind of their whole point
Jax♥️: No one is you
Jax♥️: No one is his best friend on the same hockey team and spends every day with him
Jax♥️: And I did notice
Jax♥️: More than a few times
Jax♥️: It just wasn’t my place to comment on it
Her words felt like a punch to his stomach. Deep down, he knew that she probably hadn’t intended it, but she had mercilessly placed her finger in a wound that had opened the day Shane had told him that he was gay and that had refused to close up entirely ever since.
You: Okay?
You: So, what now? Are you just going to shame me for being a bad best friend?
You: Believe me, I already feel bad enough about it by myself
It was true. Hayden hadn’t slept well for a week after Shane had come out to him. He just hadn’t been able to stop thinking about how horrible his friend had to have felt for so many years. How isolating it must have been to hide something so big, so impactful on his own life from the people closest to him. And for so damn long.
Hayden had felt incredibly guilty and selfish. He had blamed himself for not creating a safe enough environment for his friend. He had felt so bad for not paying closer attention and picking up on the clues he was sure had been there. He had hated himself for not being a better friend.
And now Jackie was – intentionally or not – rubbing it into his face.
Jax♥️: What? Oh God, Honey! No!!
Jax♥️: You’re the best friend he could hope for
Jax♥️: It’s not that you never noticed him looking at Rozanov differently than other players because you didn’t care…
Jax♥️: You just look at Rozanov the same way
This time, Hayden did drop his phone.
You: WHAT?!
He felt like a broken record. But what the fuck else was there to say to that?!
You: I don’t! That is absolutely disgusting!
Jax♥️: And why is it disgusting?
Hayden stopped for a moment and forced himself to consider her question. He tried to ask himself whether Rozanov was objectively attractive… but that just made him want to throw up. If he was truly honest, there was only one thing his mind kept coming back to.
You: Because he is married to Shane?!
Jax♥️: …
Jax♥️: And if he wasn’t?
You: Well, he is.
Hayden grimaced and then shook his head as if that would dispel the entire situation. He couldn’t believe that he was having this conversation. With his wife of all people!
Jax♥️: Imagine…
Jax♥️: (Before you met me!)
Jax♥️: (And in a scenario where he never hooked up with Shane)
Jax♥️: You’re out in a club in Montreal after a win against Boston
Jax♥️: And Ilya fucking Rozanov comes in, in a tight black shirt that hugs his muscles in all the right places. And he comes onto you… cocky and confident as always…
Jax♥️: Would you have said no?
Jax♥️: Be honest.
Hayden swallowed thickly again. But he gave his best to imagine the scenario that Jackie had painted. He tried to think back to the beginning of his career, to a time years before he had ever found out about Shane’s relationship, a time when he had mostly known Rozanov as an incredible hockey player, who chirped as if he had no will to live and who slept with a different woman in every city he played in.
He imagined being at the club that they had usually gone to after home victories back then and immediately recalled the high of a night like that. Montreal had been absolute dog shit when they had drafted him… but he had been lucky enough to be drafted together with Shane fucking Hollander and got to be there as they turned the ship around. Back then, every single home victory had been absolutely exhilarating.
He imagined that on one of those nights, Rozanov showed up at the club. Vodka in hand, smelling of cigarette smoke and expensive cologne and cocky enough for ten people, despite having lost that night. He imagined seeing him like that… with the knowledge of having beaten him just a few hours earlier.
If he was truly honest with himself, back then, Hayden had always kind of hoped that he would actually get to see Rozanov at a club one day. That he would be allowed see him ‘in action’. He had been fascinated by how drawn people seemed to be to him, despite his reputation as an asshole. He had always wanted to see him ‘work his magic’ with his own eyes.
However, he had never imagined a scenario where Rozanov would come up to him, instead of some girl that was probably a model or influencer something. The thought seemed absurd. And yet… Hayden forced himself to picture it. To imagine what it would have felt like to be the centre of his attention like that, to be the subject of his charm, to be someone he desired and well… fuck.
You: I wouldn’t have shut him down right away
It was a big admission. Even if it still technically probably didn’t mean anything. Because there was no way that Hayden would have actually gone home with fucking Ilya Rozanov.
For one, because he would have been kicked right out of the locker room and consequently probably the league if his teammates would have seen any of it – and Hayden would have definitely not been ready to risk that.
But also, because he would have never seen Rozanov at a club in Montreal… or at a club in Boston when Hayden was playing there for that matter. Because ever since their rookie seasons, Rozanov had always been busy with other things on those particular nights…
You: Oh my God! Can we please literally imagine anyone else but him. That’s Shane’s husband!
Jax♥️: Remember how distraught you were when you found out about them?
Hayden winced. Yes, he did. And he immediately knew what his wife was insinuating.
You: It was because Shane lied to me
Jax♥️: You weren’t mad that he’d hidden being gay from you…
You: Yeah, but Rozanov?!
You: He could have at least told me!
And then he remembered the anger. The feeling of complete and utter betrayal. How mad he had been at Shane, at himself. How he hadn’t even really understood why he had been so goddamn angry…
You: Oh.
You: Shit.
Jax♥️: Yeah.
Jax♥️: I thought you were aware of it at the time
Fuck. Hayden slumped over on the hotel bed. This was all overwhelming him in so many ways. Was he really bi? Wouldn’t he have realised that earlier?
Jackie seemed to sense that his momentary silence couldn’t be a good thing.
Jax♥️: Honey, it’s okay ♥️
Jax♥️: It was honestly always just very cute to watch you and Shane
Jax♥️: And again, I know that you love me
Jax♥️: Having little crushes here and there is fine. It doesn’t mean anything.
Jax♥️: You never acted on it, did you?
You: Of course not?!
You: I wasn’t even aware there was anything to act upon?!
You: I am still not exactly convinced that there ever actually was.
Hayden sighed. God, he felt so stupid.
Weren’t there kids who came out when they were like 13? How was he a grown ass man with a whole ass wife and family and had never figured this out? Especially when Jackie, Shane and Ilya had apparently all been well aware…
You: Do I have other crushes that I don’t know about?
Jax♥️: Well, there was this one physio therapist that you and Shane were kind of obsessed with for a while…
Hayden hated that he immediately knew who she was referring to. The guy’s name had been Alexis, and he had been from Barcelona. Hayden had no trouble at all recalling how he and Shane had both given their best to book sessions specifically with him. They had reasoned that it had been because ‘he just has more interesting stories to tell than the others’, with him being from Europe and everything…
However, if Hayden was truly honest with himself now, it probably also had something to do with that husky, accented voice, those broad shoulders and that calm and quiet assertiveness that Hayden had always found suspiciously relaxing. Damn.
Jax♥️: And that one player from New York? I think he was on a different team before?
Ah yeah. Matti Jalo. It was true that Hayden had always considered him extremely attractive. But he had thought that that was just consensus. Jalo showed up on pretty much every ‘hottest hockey players’ list out there. He had whole fan clubs for various body parts of his. Hell, there were people out there making very sensual edits from his game tape… Not that Hayden had gone to look for it.
Fuck. Okay, maybe they all had a point. That night when he had sat in that hotel room in New York and googled ‘Matti Jallo leadership moments compilation’ probably hadn’t been his straightest moment.
Jax♥️: Oh and you’re definitely into the kids’ paediatrician
Jax♥️: No man in the world enjoys taking his kids to routine check ups more than you do
And suddenly, Hayden laughed. He couldn’t help himself.
This was all so fucking ridiculous.
Because yes, he was probably absolutely into his kids’ paediatrician. God, if he thought about it, he felt exactly the same when ‘Dr. Benson’ told him that he was a good father as he had at 8 years old when the cutest girl in his class had handed him some candy with a shy smile or – admittedly probably also – at 12 when the smartest guy in school had complimented his handwriting.
He didn’t know why it had been those words, but suddenly, Hayden felt lighter again, maybe lighter than he ever had. Suddenly, he thought that maybe this didn’t have to be complicated. Maybe this wouldn’t have to change anything about his life at all. Because he had probably always been this way. He had just never been aware of it.
You: Okay but he is seriously hot
Jax♥️: We have such different taste in men
Her words sobered him up for a moment. He was pretty sure that Jackie had meant them to be funny, that she had just wanted to tease. And yet… He simply had to ask.
You: You really don’t care?
Jax♥️: No honey, I don’t
Jax♥️: I love you
Jax♥️: And none of this changes that
Jax♥️: You’ve always been a bisexual disaster (said lovingly)
Jax♥️: I fell in love with that guy, I married him, I made him the father of my kids, and I still love him to this day
You: Fuck.
You: I love you too
You: So much
His heart felt bigger in that moment. In the same way that it had on his wedding day and on the days when his kids had been born. The same way it always did when Jackie gave him one of those soft smiles that had made him fall head over heels at that club all of those years ago. The same way it did when his kids told him that he was the best dad ever. The same way it always did when it was so full of love that it almost felt like it had to grow to accommodate it.
He was so lucky to have the best fucking wife in the world. Who else but Jackie fucking Pike would have been so patient and supportive of their husband realising his own sexuality well into his fucking thirties? Who else would be so chill about the apparently countless crushes said husband had nursed over the years? Who else would be so calm and secure in their relationship that none of this mattered at all?
You: So, I am bi?
Jax♥️: Or pan. Or queer. Whatever. It’s just a label really
Hayden frowned. It still felt strange, wrong, foreign to think of himself in that way. And yet, deep down, he had to admit that it was probably true. And maybe, just maybe it was also okay.
Although… there was still one aspect of this whole thing that he was definitely far from being okay with.
You: Oh God...
You: And I have a crush on Rozanov?!
Jax♥️: Well, you might be cured now… apparently?
He took a moment to think about it.
You: He’s hot
Jax♥️: Sure
You: He’s confident. I like that
Jax♥️: I know, honey
Hayden hid his face in his hands. Fuck. He remembered how much he had liked Alexis’ quiet assertiveness, how drawn he had been Matti Jalo’s leadership abilities and how much he admired Dr. Bensons competence… Welp, he really was bi, wasn’t he?
You: Wow…
You: This was definitely not how I suspected today to go…
He kept talking to Jackie for a little longer after that, although not about his apparent bisexuality. Instead, she told him about the twins’ latest art project at school, about Arthur’s sudden interest in baking of all things and Amber’s new friend Josey. It was so utterly and perfectly normal that it almost made Hayden want to cry.
The meeting with the social media team ended up getting cancelled which Hayden suspected Shane might have had something to do with. He would thank him at practice. Maybe not just for that, but for everything.
As he crawled into his far too cold bed later that night, he wondered whether he should come out to the team. They would be fine with it. He had absolutely no doubt about that.
And yet… He once again wondered whether it even mattered at all. Sure, he had always thought of himself as a straight man and someone even just suggesting that that might not be true, had sent him spiralling, so clearly this was kind of important to him.
But at the same time, he knew that he loved Jackie and that he would never, ever do anything that jeopardized their relationship in any way. He was with Jackie and he would stay with her for the rest of his life. So why even say anything?
But then he remembered Rozanov’s rant about bi erasure. And he thought about his kids, about the example he wanted to set in this world. He never wanted them to think that he had been ashamed of his sexuality or that the only way that he could be in a happy marriage with their mom was to keep that part of himself hidden away.
He sighed and took out his phone again.
Group chat “Sexy Half-Horse-Men✨🌈”
You: So, apparently, I am bi
Of course the Centaurs were all extremely supportive about it. Well, except for their captain who got told off by his husband for making a joke about how Hayden was ‘not just slow on the ice’. But Hayden still went to sleep with a smile on his lips that night and maybe also feeling a little bit more whole than he had before.