Chapter Text
“How is he, Sigewinne?”
Wriothesley asked the nurse while removing his gauntlets after having delt with some slightly problematic individuals up on the surface
“…I don't know Wriothesley, it's not looking good” Sigewinne said with a sigh, she just didn't know how she could help y/n. She thought she did, but just when things started looking better: talking more, eating more, sleeping more, things started going down hill again.
“To be honest, I have never seen somebody like this… I just don't know what to do anymore” She felt so powerless, what was she supposed to do? She was a nurse and her job was to help and take care of people, but if she couldn't? What was she then?
She could feel tears fill her eyes, it felt almost foreign; these days there was little that truly made her upset, Neuvillette and Wriothesley had done a darn good job at making her feel at home.
“Don't work yourself up Sige, he'll be alright, he pretty much survived getting blown up so a little friendship squabble isn't going to kill him”
Seriously, could these people not give him a moment of peace? It's been so long since he last has seen Neuvillette, who was equally as busy as of now.
“You know this is more that just a little ‘squabble’ “ Wriothesley’s easy-goingness usually was very efficient in lightening the atmosphere, at least when not in official business and just with friends. But right now? It did little to alleviate her worries.
“I know, I know, come over here”
With that, Sigewinne quickly found herself in a warm embrace.
When had their roles switched? She couldn't pinpoint when she went from taking care of Wriothesley to being taken care of by him.
After a short silence and her coming down again she asked:
“Any news on the whereabouts of the harbinger?”
Whatever happened between Childe and y/n not only left y/n to relive what were probably the worst moments of his life, but also made Childe disappear.
Though they couldn't be for sure if that was the main cause because the only witnesses, y/n, was currently incapacitated.
“No luck so far, no, and I suspect that the fatui wouldn't be so happy about that, rumor has it that the knave is on her way to Fontaine”
Bad news on top of bad news, lovely.
“Don't worry Sige, it'll be fine”
When they separated again she felt a little better, not great though.
“I hope so…”
A sad smile painted her face as she followed the Duke to the door of the infirmary, saying goodbye and turning back to the only other person in the room; y/n.
Y/n was currently sleeping after two entire days of not doing so after they had found him on the bathroom floor three days before.
He was so exhausted from trying to hide from something apparently only he could perceive.
.
.
.
It was the late afternoon when y/n gave a sign of life again:
“…Nurse Sigewinne..? Are you there?”
Y/n asked while looking up at the ceiling, his voice rough from all the screaming and vomiting.
Poor boy hasn't been able to keep a single meal down.
“Y/n! Of course I am, is there anything I can get you?”
Sigewinne hadn't left his side ever since he first woke up and went into a state of apparent loss of consciousness but also an psychotic episode.
It was hard to identify what exactly it was and so she had been reading all the phycology books she had while also keeping an eye on y/n.
“…May I- may I have a glass of water?”
He didn't even have to ask as the nurse was already going for a cup of water, setting it on the nightstand before turning back to the one in the bed.
“Y/n, I'm aware your state is unstable right now, do I have the permission to move you?”
Though she didn't know what exactly she was dealing with, she knew she had to be careful- anything could set him off right now and now was probably the only chance she would get to have him eat something or talk about what happened.
She had to be quick but careful.
“Alright, I'll help you sit up now”
She said after getting a soft nod from y/n.
“There you go! Here, drink it slowly”
While y/n took careful sips of the water she had offered, she prepared her clipboard in order to write anything of importance down.
“I'm not sure if you have been conscious enough these past days, but it's been three days, can you tell me what you've seen?”
She asked, waiting patiently for y/n to finish his drink.
“Three days? I- I wasn't aware…”
Y/n seemed to get sadder, if that was even possible, he looked destroyed: dark eye bags and sickly pale skin making him look dangerously similar to when they had found him.
It pained Sigewinne to see such a young soul already so damaged.
“…it is alright if you ask, it is no crime”
She reassured him when she sensed that he was holding back a question.
Her own could wait if it meant that y/n could be at ease.
“…h- how is Childe? Have you seen him?” it was as if y/n knew something was wrong but it also confirmed that something had indeed happened.
“The harbinger is sadly nowhere to be found…” she admitted, not necessarily feeling upset about it but rather worried about where he had gone and how.
“Do you perhaps know where he could've gone and why?” Hopefully that question wouldn't upset y/n, and hopefully he could answer it.
“He's- he's gone?”
Y/n asked, disbelief and worry on his face as he thinks of an explanation until he seemingly remembers something.
“…I- I'm sorry! -I didn't mean what I said!” hiccups interrupt him as he speaks, fresh tears filling his eyes and rolling down his cheeks.
“It's alright y/n, you've done nothing wrong” she tried to comfort him, fearing he might go into another episode.
“But I-”
“You fool!”
“I didn't mean it! I swear!!”
“You eat my food”
“I'll never say something
like that again!”
“And drink my water”
“Please!”
“Live under my roof”
“FATH-!”
Y/n felt water fill his lungs as his head was pushed under the water of the river nearby.
“Clean out that head of yours,
and if you don't, do me the favor
and never come back up again”
…
“Y/n? What is going on?!”
Another episode? So suddenly?? What had caused it, what was he experiencing and how could she help??
Okay. Calm.
First and foremost: put the patient into the recovery position so that their airway would stay open and clear.
Sigewinne quickly rolled the now choking y/n onto his side, head close to the edge of the bed while the rest of his body securely on the bed in case he was going to vomit.
The second step would be to call for help, but since she was a medical professional she could go to step three, asses the patients condition:
Y/n was choking, on seemingly nothing.
His eyes were opened but his eyes were moving like the aftereffects of spinning around too much: nystagmus.
His body was stiff with the fight or flight response.
Dangers: going into shock.
Y/n had to breath, now.
What could she do? Splash him with water? Make him smell alcohol? Slap him awake?
Water didn't seem like a save option and he wasn't breathing so no smell would get to him, slapping him it was.
I'm sorry y/n
One: Y/n was still far, far away.
Two: no reaction.
Three: she was worried.
Four: what else could she do?
Five: she was too weak.
Six: she couldn't do it.
Her arm fell to her side, exhaustion eating away at her, she couldn't give up like this, could she?
There had to be something she could do. She should've called for someone.
“Sigewinne? I forgot my- Sige?!”
Before she could turn towards the door and arm was already pulling her back from the bed to a safe distance on the floor.
“Sige, what do I need to do?”
Wriothesley acted as quickly as he usually did, a moments hesitation could be the difference between life and death.
“Wake him up! Any way possible!”
She exclaimed after the short moment of shock, suddenly back to being the head nurse and not just another powerless person to the fate of another.
“Alright”
Unlike last time he had handled y/n in such a state, he was rather careful: turning y/n back onto his back before putting a heavy yet gentle hand on the boys convulsing chest while applying a controlled amount of cryo. The pressure working wonders in grounding y/n while also forcing his lungs to adapt a slower breathing pattern, the cold on the other hand served as a way to wake him up and make his senses focus on a different sensation, a real one.
“Y/n, it's alright, you can breath now: in and out, just like that”
Y/n's breath hitched as the cold seeped through his clothes, his legs kicked at the sheets, trying to move away while a hand grabbed Wriothesley’s wrist out of reflex, not pulling it away but using it as another anchor to reality.
“Perfect, one more time, with me”
And then y/n gasped, practically falling limp onto the dishevelled bed covers as air finally filled his lungs.
“Are you back with us?”
Wriothesley asked while stepping away, carefully watching every twitch as y/n's breathing regulated itself again.
The only response he got were tears.
Tears, tears and more tears as y/n quietly sobbed while looking at the ceiling.
He felt pathetic.
How could he be like this? He knew what they told him was wrong, or at least he though it was, but he was so scared of being different, of giving them any more reasons to hate him, of being himself.
He's been afraid of the truth, of his truth, because of what they had done to him when they found out, for so long that he forgot how to be that version of himself.
And yet he still felt guilty, he loved them.
And yet he still cared for what they thought, they were with him in his mind.
And yet… he questioned if they still cared? If they ever cared for him in the first place.
How could he continue living like this? Afraid of himself, out of all people.
‘If you don't love yourself, who will? There is no obligation in loving another person and the only love you have full control over is your own, so own it.’ Those words rung out in his head while he was crying his soul out.
Where has he heard those? Did he just hear them? From where did they come? In that short instant y/n felt a chill overcome him, so deep he felt his heart slow down to a dangerous speed, it felt like time was stopping and he gained clarity for a singular moment.
He could never be loved if he didn't love himself.
How could this be? Wriothesley wasn't using his vision anymore, he was listening to y/n talk.
When had he sat down near the bed with Sigewinne to listen to y/n talk? When had y/n started talking through his tears? Every sentence interrupted by hiccups and sobs as he poured his heart out to these two.
He was gripping the sheets when warmth returned to him, and everything faded into a calm and comfortable sea of sounds and colours.
He relaxed. Probably for the first time ever since he arrived here. Everything felt so warm now, he felt so relieved that he told somebody.
But he also felt exhausted, and before long, his crying seized and so did his talking as his consciousness wandered into a dreamless sleep, or was it dreamless?
He would dream of tall mountains and grand plateaus, both covered in the purest white he had ever seen, the cold biting yet oddly welcomed as it kept his senses sharp and his mind clear.
.
.
.
“He's finally asleep…”
Sigewinne sigh, this had been exhausting and she still had to write down the things y/n had told them…
At least they now knew what happened between Childe and y/n, though she doubted that this was the reason the harbinger disappeared.
He didn't look like a person that would run away because of something like this.
“I don't know where he comes from or what his living conditions were, but I know for certain that his family did not deserve him”
Y/n had told them, or rather the space itself, about his father and brother.
Apparently being homosexual was considered to be a disease, something dangerous to other “normal” people.
Which didn't make any sense, your attraction to a person is yours only, you couldn't ‘infect’ others with it not was it dangerous in any way.
But y/n was taught to be ashamed, to fear his own emotions and therefore when he was confronted with a person of the same sex that was clearly showing interest in him, which he subconsciously reciprocated… Things went as well as you expected.
“And Childe? Why Childe, what does he see in him?” That is what he found strange, upbringing and preferences aside, that he just couldn't understand.
He saw how they sparked when they were in the ring, but to fall for a harbinger? Out of everyone in this prison, not a very good place to look for love if you ask him, a harbinger? He wasn't even sure y/n knew fully what it meant that Childe was a harbinger, but this was certainly bound to get messy.
“Such a thing sadly happens way too often…” It does, he knew.
“But to make himself hate who he really is, is just cruel. Nobody should push their own believes, ‘wrong’ or ‘correct’ onto other people” she hoped y/n and Childe would reconcile, even if nothing prospered from their relationship she hoped they could still be friends.
Though she didn't agree with Childe's methods and work, she had to admit: he had helped y/n greatly.
“Have they found anyone related to y/n yet?” He might have to arrest a few more people if that were the case.
“They haven't, it seems like y/n truly isn't from from Fontaine” how strange this situation was, y/n was so different from everyone they knew.
“Shame, and neuvillette? Have you heard anything from him?” it's been too long since they all met up for a casual outing.
“I have, it very busy at the moment with the serial disappearances case and the twins coming down here the day after tomorrow…” the twins? Ah yes, there was something, he had tasked clorinde with bringing them down here so she could discuss some things with her. Things were about to get a whole lot more complicated…
.
.
.
“Y/n? Oh, you're finally awake! How do you feel?” Sigewinne asked when she saw the boy sit up.
“I feel… refreshed, to say the least, I have quite frankly never slept this well in my life…” Y/n looked a whole lot better now, still pale but slowly regaining his colour.
“Splendid! I'll fetch you something easy to eat, I'll be right back!” And she was, quickly reappearing with a box of her special recovery dish in her hands.
“Be careful, your throat mus be very sore so I've brought you some warm milk with honey” She said while setting everything down on a little tray so that y/n could eat it peacefully in bed.
“Y/n… I know it is a sensitive topic, but just know that here, it is completely fine, very common even!” She really wanted to make y/n feel more at ease, more at home if she could.
Just like they had done for her.
“It is…?” Y/n asked carefully, as if he was afraid of having his hopes shattered by yet another person.
“It is! Duke Wriothesley? Him and the chief justice are ‘close’ if you get me” she couldn't help with teasing them a little, it took them so long to realize their feelings for one another!
“Duke Wriothesley? That's surprising… he doesn't look like he would be in a relationship, even less a gay one…”
Y/n looked so adorable, eyes big with curiosity and hope for acceptance sparkling in his eyes
“Pfff- sorry, you just don't know how difficult it was to get them together, but now they are inseparable- though not literally as you can see” she chuckled, oh what good times those had been.
“But who is the chief justice…?” Y/n asked carefully, judging by the title it was somebody important in the law of this place, somebody he should probably know about….
“The chief justice of Fontaine is our beloved Neuvillette, he is the supreme judge of the court and will also judge you when your court date arrives” She explained without holding back, not minding the fact that y/n didn't know of him.
“He is a very fair judge, so there is no need to worry” right when she finished somebody entered, it was Wriothesley.
“Talking about the Iudex, are we?” he asked a retorical question as he stepped closer.
“How are you feeling y/n?” this time a real question, he waited patiently for y/n to finish his food.
“I am feeling way better now, thank you both, I apologize for all the trouble I've caused…” y/n apologize, his expression a mix of embarrassment and thankfulness, Sigewinne just wanted to hug him. So that's what she did.
“Don't apologize y/n, it isn't your fault and everything that you're going through doesn't need to be done alone” Though her voice was slightly muffled from how hard she was hugging y/n, her words rung clear in his head.
“We'll do everything in our power to help, right Wriothesley?” She turned to look at the warden, a hopeful and pleading look on her face that was just irresistible.
“Yes, of course we will”
He told got closer, only patting y/n head before speaking again.
“But in order to do so, you need to talk with us, alright? We can't keep doing this, you are aware, no?” Back to being colder than necessary now that they made sure y/n was alright for a while.
“You are correct, yes, I apologize again” y/n said with a newfound determination, he felt as if he could finally let go of his precautions, these people had done so much for him so he would tell them the truth… eventually, not now.
He would be himself for once… or at least he'll try, first he had to rediscover who he was and who he wanted to be in this new world.
He had a clean canvas, and now he had the paint.
“Don't be, for now nothing will happen, everything is too fresh as of now so relax and focus on getting better” y/n could do that, he would do that. Too long has he been inactive, only following orders and following the masses, now he'll take his fate into his own hands.
If he got a second chance at life, he'll make it his first real life.
.
Recovery begins when you
realize you need it
.