Chapter Text
I didn’t remember falling asleep that night, but I’ll never forget waking up the following morning.
Leisurely, as if all the time in the world belonged to me, I allowed my eyelids to flutter open. I blinked a few times, giving my weary eyes a few seconds to adjust. I glanced around the living room, streaks of pale, golden-white morning sunlight dancing and fluttering through half-closed blinds, sparatically striping the room before us. Separate rays of gleaming light bounced and glared off of the glass of our coffee table and television cascading reflected patterns of art along the walls. Outside, birds sang to their hearts content, jumping and leaping freely from branch to branch. Wind billowed gently, causing the bare branches of December to dance softly in its motions. The room had a new type of feeling to it, one that I longed to stay in.
A certain familiar warmth was pressed into my side, a familiar head perched comfortably to my shoulder. I tuned out the blaring television and the seemingly senseless humming of the birds outside, and focused only on the gentle breaths of my companion, the easy rise of his chest with every inhale, and the every fall with every exhale.
If I were a poet, I’d write countless poems about this moment, capturing its beauty only in my words.
If I were an artist, I’d paint this early morning scenery, keeping it with me forever.
If I were a photographer, I’d capture this moment with one click of a button, and hold it near to my heart.
But for the time being, memory of such a blissful and perfect morning was enough for me. I felt content, happy, enjoying such calmness in a usual hectic environment.
It was almost as if we were in the eye of a storm.
“Mm...Hide, turn off the sun…” Kaneki garbled form his still sleepy state. I was a bit surprised by his sudden outburst, but all the more happy to see him awake, and generally alive for that matter.
“I can go shut the blinds?” I suggested, though doing so would require shutting out such a wonderful scene before me.
But if it meant Ken’s contentment, then so be it.
“Mmmm…” He groaned hoarsely, “Mm-mm. You’re warm. I don’t want you to get up…”
“Well I’m gonna have to if you still wanna go sightseeing today.”
His arms wrapped around my waist, and if I haven’t already melted in his grasp by now, I sure as hell have now.
“Just a few more minutes…” He mumbled, and I guess I had no other choice but to allow it.
“I like you…” Ken said, sounding either drunk or high or somewhere in between, it was almost laughable.
“Is that so?” i asked. I felt his head move up and down on my chest, a nod. “Well I like you, too.”
Kaneki gave me the most pathetic “Hooray,” I’d ever heard, and proceeded to fall back asleep, and I, too, began to doze off. I caught myself nodding off, stopping myself from being completely taken by sleep. With an all-new stealthiness, I managed to slip myself out of Ken’s grip, initially freeing me from his normally tight embrace. I took his head gently in my hands, placing it attentively on a cushion below him, making sure to keep from harming his injury.
I took on long look at him, before turning and walking into the kitchen, a world of assorted grays ahead of me. I decided it’d be best to cook him an I’m-sorry-you-almost-died-on-your-birthday breakfast before we headed out to go sightseeing, but I didn’t end up getting very far when a familiar pair of arms snaked around my waist.
“You left…” He said into my ear, his breath dancing across the back of my neck as he leaned his head on my shoulder.
“Do you wanna go sightseeing or not?” I replied.
He hesitated, making a low groaning sound with his voice, before finally agreeing with me.
“How does your head feel?” I questioned, cracking two eggs into a frying pan.
“Better.” Was his only reply, and at that moment, I knew he was lying.
I turned to face him, his arms still holding me by the waist. The morning light gave me a good chance to look directly at his face. His normally beautifully vibrant and full-of-life eyes looked bloodshot, his left scar caked with dried blood, restricting his eye’s potential movement. A slight purple bruise was beginning to show up on his jawline where his treacherous mother had hit him. There was even a small cut on his lip (which I made sure to keep in mind the next time I kissed him).
“Maybe we shouldn’t go today… You need to rest a bit more.” I planted my hand on the side of his head, making sure not to harm his injuries. My thumb grazed his bruised jawline gently, wary not to hurt him.
“No!” He protested. “I wanna go. I’m fine!”
I pressed a finger to his temple, and he immediately flinched, a sign that it was probably not the best idea to leave the house in the first place.
“Nope. Go lay down. We’re not going.”
“Come on, Hide! You promised! Please don’t break your promise…” He put his forehead to mine, and gave me the saddest, most devastated look I’d ever seen on a human-being.
“Look at you, Ken. You’ve barely had enough time to recover. What would I do if something were to happen to you?” Kaneki saw the worry in my eyes, even being able to hear it in my voice. In an attempt at reassurance, he took my hand in both of his, pressing it to his chest. Beneath his normally frail complexion and his (terrifyingly worrying) protruding ribs, I felt the gentle monotonous thump thump of his heart.
“See?” He asked. “It’s still beating. And as long as it’s beating, then everything will be alright, won’t it?”
I shook my head, giving off a little smirk. “No, Kaneki. You could be falling apart at the seams. You could be broken down, or you could be torn into a million pieces. You could be bleeding and crying out, but it’ll still beat. It’ll beat and beat no matter what kind of pain you’re in, it’ll still keep going. And that’s what makes it so painful.” I turned from him, focusing mainly on cooking now. “Because eventually...it’ll kill you. You’ll think you’re alright, because it’s still going. But really, the pain builds up. And guess what?”
“...It keeps going…” Ken finished for me.
I faced him again, nearly going blind from transitioning back to color so quickly. I gently caressed his cheek, seeing the sorrow in his eyes filled me with grief, but I knew I had to be strong.
“Look, I want the world for you. But I couldn’t live with myself if you got hurt again because of me.”
He stood still, his eyes filled with pain, his brows knitted in concentration.
“I’m sorry.” I said in an obviously failed attempt to raise his spirits.
I leaned on my toes, pressing a butterfly kiss into his unkempt pure black hair. “You should go lay down. You need time to recover.” I said, turning back to black and white and putting my attention on my cooking. I heard him sigh, a mumbled phrase spoken under his breath. He did as I said and went to his room, his door shutting with a gentle click.
Instantly, I felt contrite about telling him no. After seven long years of being confined to such solitude in a world that had so much more to offer, he was finally freed from his own prison. He was finally able to enjoy the sights that everyone else was able to enjoy, and who was I to deny him those sights? Who was I to confine him to a locked room in a boring apartment? Who was I to deny him the only thing he’s ever wanted, the thing he lost for seven years, and finally gotten it back?
A monster, is what I was.
With an obviously audible sigh, I walked to his room, knocking gently on his door.
“Ken? Can I come in?” I questioned.
“Sure.” Was my response.
I opened the door, and found him burrowed in his blue and gray striped comforter. His eyes were closed, his hair ruffled and matted against his pillow. I sat on the edge of his bed, suddenly finding it arduous to jump wrap up in the warmth of the blanket, laying with him in my arms for the rest of the day.
“So...You really wanna go, don’t you?” I asked.
There was an inconsequential hesitation, a slight slur of an agreeing sound heard from under the mass of blankets.
“Get dressed. I’ll take you.”
I smiled, watching him sit up and stare at me with wide eyes, as if he were a kid at a candy store.
“Really?” He asked, and before I even had time to answer, he lunged at me, wrapping his arms around my neck and pulling me close. The force of impact and his weight was enough to knock me flat on my back. With a light laugh, I returned his gesture of thankfulness, steadying him above me by putting my hands on his hips securely.
“Easy now, don’t hurt yourself.” I spoke.
He looked up at me, propping himself up above me, his hands placed either side of my head for support. His gaze burned into mine, his smile seemingly contagious.
“Thank you, Hide!” He cried.
“Hurry up, your food’s getting cold.”
He nuzzled my nose with his, then leaned down to kiss me, our lips connecting and sending a sweet sensation spiraling through my system.
“Wait. Don’t move…” I said, looking up at him once more.
His eyes locked into mine, a bit of concern hidden inside.
“What?” He asked, curiously, an unsettled look to him.
“Nothing,” I replied simply, pushing a stray strand of black hair out of his face. “You just look so beautiful.”
“You idiot…” He responded, a blush tinting his cheeks at my remark, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He let out a giggle that seemed to have potential to cure all sadness. I tugged ever so gently on his hair, finding him utterly irresistible in every way possible. He followed my gestures, kissing me softly and slowly. I sighed happily, my fingers subconsciously tangling and weaving through strands of silky black hair, letting it fall and slip between my grasp. My lungs screamed for air, but my lips wanted to stay. Kaneki lingered, his lips moving away from mine so painstakingly slow, I was left with no choice but to bring him back for one more kiss.
“I love you…” He whispered, his voice barely audible, but loud enough to be heard due to our close proximity.
“I love you more.” I retorted, too taken away by how breathtakingly beautiful Ken looked to notice the thick drop of blood clinging helplessly to the re-opened scar on his lip. With a swipe of my thumb, it disappeared, only to form again within mere seconds. The slight motion of my thumb on the scar caused him to wince just the slightest.
“You’re right… I guess I am the idiot.”
But he only laughed.
I decided to bring him to the ocean first, as it was always such a special place to me.
The day was extraordinarily beautiful, the sky such a brilliant blue, not a cloud to be seen. The sun shone mercilessly, creating a warm, delightful atmosphere. The ocean was a breathtaking sapphire, lapping up the bottom of the beach wave after restless wave. The sand fell into golden-white hills, being tossed and blown by a gentle wind. Birds in the distance sang a song of joy, each different and with their own tune of happiness.
It was such a beautiful day, and to be spent with a beautiful person.
Except I wasn’t so sure that Ken felt the same way.
Just about every little noise seemed to frighten him. He clung to my arm as if it was his only tether to stability, as if he would blow away from me if he were to let go.
But his attitude changed completely the moment he saw the ocean, the rushing water glinting in the early afternoon sunlight. He stared at it with wide, curious eyes, that sparkled and glimmered like the stars.
“That, Kaneki, is the ocean.” I said, glancing down at him. He didn’t even bother to peel his eyes from the sight, his arms involuntarily squeezing my arm, possibly from fright, or maybe from overwhelming wonder or curiosity. He made an understanding groan, too entranced to even speak
“Would you wanna go closer? It’s just water, it won’t hurt you.” I took his silence as my cue to lead him. I walked him to the edge of the beach, the waves only feet in front of us.
“It’s been so long since I’ve seen it…” He muttered, his grip restricting my arm growing looser and looser by the second.
“Do you remember much about it?”
He shook his head.
“Y’know...I took you here for a reason.” He looked to me, our gazes connecting, his eyes glistening with questionable interest. I looked to the ocean, and I swore for a second I was reliving the memory of when i first spoke to Ken, nearly six years ago.
“It’s where we first met,” I finally said, “it’s where our journey began.”
“My name’s Hideyoshi, but you can just call me Hide if you want.”
“I-I’m Kaneki Ken…”
“Kaneki Ken...That’s too long. I’ll just call you Kaneki. Is that alright?”
He nodded. A smile.
The memory was so vivid, I was able to see the evening sun set over the glassy water, the grass beneath our feet as we both stayed a safe distance away from the water, possibly from fear that our parents would be angry if we got too close. I was even able to hear our voices, our words spoken carelessly, and just thrown about like ragdolls.
“Thank you, Hide.” Ken spoke. I looked at him, gently kissing his lips with utmost carefulness.
“Ken, I love you.”
“I love you.” He said, kissing my cheek. “You know…” He continued, his cheeks beginning to brush with a slight pink tint of embarrassment, “I’ve never been in the ocean before.”
I looked to him, my brows knitting in puzzlement, eyes full of confusion. It caught me by surprise to think that for eighteen years he’s lived near here, and not once has he ever stepped foot into the ocean, to feel the waves pulsating against your skin, or allow the coolness of the water chill your skin in comparison to the warmth of the air around you. It was absurd to think that he’s never had a sensation quite like that before, and I smirked at that thought.
Hastily, I shrugged off my jacket and kicked off my shoes, beginning to run towards the water. I stopped, turning to shout, “Last one in has to drive home!” And skipped off towards the ocean, laughing and pretending not to hear the pointless protests of my companion. I stepped on foot in the freezing cold winter water, feeling the shivers trail up my spine, but I pressed forward.
I was up to my ankles when I turned around to find Ken standing at the edge, where the water met the golden, beachy sand.
“Are you really gonna make me do this?” He asked.
I nodded, and before he could object, I grabbed his wrist and yanked him into the ocean. He stumbled a bit, grabbing my shoulder to stable himself.
He let out a small whimper. “Ah! H-Hide! W-W-Why?!”
Kaneki shoved me away playfully, cupping water his hands and collectively throwing it at me.
I’ve had my share of water fights in the past, so I was able to dodge the attack unscathed.
His frustration was risible.
I ended up returning the favor, but he managed to dodge it as well, only allowing a few drops to land on him.
This continued on for another few minutes, until we were both somewhat physically drained and panting, the crisp bandages wrapped on his head to the brink of falling off. I knew I’d have to replace them when we got home.
“Okay… You win. I’ll drive home.” I surrendered. (Though I did end up winning our little game…not that anyone’s counting, though.)
He nodded confidently, as if he had just been awarded a medal. He wrapped his arms over his chest, his jaw chattering with the coolness of the water. I motioned towards the land, and Ken followed suit, more than ready to leave the the frigid water.
I noticed that his skin was much paler than usual, and concluded that it was because he was cold. His lips turned a slight gray color and his eyes seemed hazed. In a small state of worry, I threw my jacket over his shoulders to conserve his warmth, and slid my shoes back on. Kaneki seemed to be zoned out, as if he was in another dimension.
But he would be alright...wouldn’t he?
I was wrong…
We started to make our way to the car when he mumbled what sounded like the first few sounds of my name. Inconsequentially, I looked over to find him lean his body against mine, trying and ultimately failing to grab my sleeve or my hand for support. He collapsed, doubling over onto the ground, but I managed to catch him in time before he fell. I lowered him gently to the ground and supported his weight.
“Fuck...Kaneki!” I gasped, turning him over delicately, only to see a blank, lifeless expression on his face.
“Oh my god...Oh my god no what have I done?!” My nerves were going insane, my mind and heart racing so fast I felt that I, too, was going to collapse.
Immediately, I checked for a pulse, only to find (to my amazement) his normal heartbeat, identical to the heart beat I felt this morning.
But that didn’t mean he was okay.
For a few long moments that was an eerie silence lingering around me before a barely audible groan could be heard from the back of Ken’s throat.
He’s not dead… I thought. Just tired…
I didn’t know I had been holding my breath until my lungs burned for air again. I let out a long sigh of relief, but to my displeasure, I was unable to move, as if my body had been stuck. I felt my hands begin to tremble and my lip began to quiver. My eyes turned blurry and I knew I was on the edge of tears.
That is until Kaneki opened his eyes just enough to peer through at me. There was a slight pull on one corner of his lips that I made out to be a smile. And as if by magic, that one, weak, half-hearted smile was enough to help me not only stand securely on my own two feet, but also give me the strength to carry him home.