Chapter Text
‘Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! -Love, Santa’s favorite Ho Ho Ho’ was written in silver calligraphy on the Christmas card Paloma sent. It featured Paloma sitting on Santa's lap in various positions. One had her smiling while sitting on his lap, one had her kissing the Santa actor on the cheek, and the last had Santa sitting on her lap instead, (a reverse reindeer some might say). Sabrina chuckled at the card while sorting her mail. Sabrina leaned down to reach the side of the machine by her feet. She clicked the on button. The machine made a buzz noise as it started. Sabrina placed the photo card in the paper shredder along with all the other Christmas cards her family and friends sent. She watched with relief as the photo of her best friend was cut into eighths and floated as it reached into the bottom of the bin.
Okay, dramatic Sabrina admitted, but, in her defense, she didn’t have a tree to put the cards on. Sabrina wasn’t having the greatest Christmas. She was across the country from her family, in New York promoting her ‘Love Song Christmas EP’ all about the guy that she had caught cheating on her a week prior. The holidays were not off to a great start. Paloma, the saint she was, had offered to stay with Sabrina for the holidays, but Sabrina couldn’t make her do that-not on Christmas. Paloma promised she’d spend New Years with her. Sabrina thought that since she wasn’t spending the holidays with anyone she might as well not decorate. So, while her neighborhood decided to add to the light pollution of the city with their Christmas lights, Sabrina’s house was devoid of it, except for the houselight outside her front door. Oh, and the blue glowing light from the Ring cameras, with a built-in microphone to ward off carolers. Sabrina was most definitely not in the Christmas spirit. This would be her first Christmas away from her family. This would be her first Christmas alone.
Sabrina sighed as she tossed the rest of her mail on the table. She put her head in her hands, feeling a migraine coming on. Her conversation with her manager from earlier still rang in her head. She had just come back from some magazine interview, where her head was definitely not in the game. The interviewer asked her about the EP and her latest album, ‘Emails I Can’t Send’. They asked her the usual things, what the songs and albums were about, why she wanted to release an EP, the future tour alongside Taylor Swift, yada yada. Then, they finished the interview off by asking Sabrina a question she didn’t think would get so personal.
Sabrina sat in that uncomfortable chair, counting the seconds she was from losing her mind in that boring interview. She felt like the entire press tour they were asking her the same questions. Of course they brought up the love-triangle thing, and the dad thing, and the getting sued by a church thing, and the worst year for Sabrina ever-thing, and Sabrina replied with the same answers through gritted teeth like a million times before. Her answers were robotic, after nearly every answer she looked back at her manager to see some validation or anything to see if she was doing a good job with what she was working with. But, her manager's face was stone cold, just as stone cold as the room, which was like, at freezing temperatures when it was already snowing outside. Sabrina tried to not let her teeth chatter as she listened to the questions. With a quick glance at the clock on the wall she saw that the interviewer had to be wrapping up soon, unless Sabrina’s divine punishment from God for her horny songs was sitting in this god-awful interview for eternity.
“Okay Sabrina,” the Interviewer, Mindy, chuckled at some dry ass comment Sabrina made, trying to ease the tension, “before we let you go-” (thank fucking God) “-we wanted to ask you about any Christmas traditions you and your family might have, maybe give the audience an idea what to do this Christmas!”
“Christmas traditions?” Sabrina repeated, slightly annoyed. She scrunched her face up in thought. Wasn’t the entire holiday a tradition? Wasn’t the point of the holiday that everyone followed the same routine? “Well, I guess I grew up with my family all wearing matching Christmas pajamas, sometimes my mom would buy new ones to take pictures with. Uhh…we open presents obviously. Kids give out their presents first, then the big ones from mom and dad.” The more Sabrina talked, the longer the interview had to be. She glanced over at her manager who pointed a finger in the air and made a fast circle, gesturing for her to wrap it up. “Umm…my mom makes pancakes after we’ve cleaned up the gifts and everything. They’re pancakes, but shaped like snowmen. You know the top ones are smaller and then the two others get bigger. She’d make a scarf out of bacon, and would make a face out of whipped cream and cherrys.” Sabrina imagined the pancakes she had last Christmas. She remembered the Christmas music in the background as she helped her mom assemble breakfast. Singing carols in her matching ugly Christmas tree onesie, teeth still unbrushed, and dancing around with her sisters. The smell of the bacon and pancakes cooking. “My mom makes mine with chocolate chips.” Sabrina amused not really paying attention to Mindy.
“Wow Sabrina! That seems like a Chris Cringgle Carpenter holiday! Invite me over next Christmas mmmk? Well that looks like all the time we have for-“
“- we used to go to a movie after breakfast,” Sabrina remembered. “We haven’t in a while but we’d watch a movie in the afternoon, in our brand new clothes we got as gifts, and go to the theater, watch whatever holiday movie came out. Then we’d talk about it during dinner. My dad makes baked ham. We say grace and tell each other what we’re grateful for. We all have to say something nice about each other. Mom always ends up crying. She likes to see us all together.” Sabrina felt a wave of emotion bubble inside her recalling her Christmas. It didn’t feel like a Christmas without pancakes, or pajamas, or a movie. Sabrina felt her throat start to prickle as she remembered she was not at home but hundreds of miles away from her parents and sisters. She quickly looked down to her feet. Thank god this wasn’t a recorded interview.
“Uh. Well thanks for that added information Sabrina! You sure know how to put the talking in stock-ing-” Sabrina scoffed and then stopped listening after that. She quickly said a half hearted thank you and goodbye to the interview. She leaped out of her seat the first chance she got. She walked to her manager who was giving her that look. The look your mom has when you’re in trouble but she’s waiting until you’re both in the car to say anything. Sabrina huffed.
They walked over to the car after talking with the publisher to go over some last minute things. That’s when her manager grabbed her shoulder before she got in the car.
“You wanna talk about what happened in there or do we keep ignoring the giant Rudolf in the room?”
“I’m sorry Amy, but what do you expect me to do when they keep asking me the same questions!” Sabrina grumbled, “It’s like they want to catch me in an ah-ha moment or something. I’m just not giving them that satisfaction.”
“Look,” Amy pinched the bridge of her nose, “ I know it’s the holidays and this is hard, but you gotta be easier on yourself and everyone else. We all want to be home for the holidays, but we’re not. We’re here. Because this is a big moment for you and an opportunity we can’t give up. We need to take advantage of this time. So, can you suck up for one lousy Christmas, for all of us? Please?”
Sabrina felt a wave of shame. She hung her head like a kid being reprimanded. She was a kid being reprimanded. Of course no one wanted to be in New York for Christmas all alone. That’s the entire plot of Home Alone 2. Everyone was here babysitting her career. She should be grateful that so many people cared.
“Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry. Thank you Amy. I should be thanking all of you.” She sighed.
“It’s fine. It’s whatever, Christmas is so commercial anyways. Just a way for big business to make a quick buck before the end of the year.” Amy waved her off.
“Yeah. Totally commercial.”
So here Sabrina was hours later, half a bottle of wine in, shredding Christmas cards after taking a break from boxing up her ex’s stuff, totally not thinking about Christmas with her family in her New Jersey Air BNB. 2,800 miles away. On Christmas Eve. Nice.
Sabrina’s label tried to encourage her to stay in New York since all the press was there, but there was something so comforting about New Jersey. It wasn’t a city with big sky scrapers like New York. It reminded her of her childhood in Pennsylvania, a place with a lot of history and felt old. Comforting. No super loud car horns, bright lights, millions of people. Just some peace and quiet before she had to go back to the city. She didn’t mind the ride from Jersey to New York, she would use that time to get lost in her head for a bit, AirPods in her ears taking the train.
Her ex was staying with some buddies in the city before going back home tonight, leaving Sabrina to either dump his stuff or mail it to his house. The asshole. Sabrina was still debating whether she wanted to be Santa or the Grinch with his stuff.
Sabrina stared unfocused at the mess in the living room, all the clothes and shit spread out. She refilled her empty glass of wine, then abandoned the task instead taking a swig from the bottle. Her phone rang. Sabrina jolted from her daze. She looked down, nearly spilling the bottle. Facetime from ‘Mom <3’. Fuck.
Sabrina looked in the phone's reflection of her to see a messy head of hair, flaked mascara and smeared lipstick.
“Shit.” Sabrina said to no one in particular, running to get a paper towel to fix herself up and hastily put her hair in a bun. She took a deep breath. She was a Disney Channel star for like 6 years and was an actor for like half her life. How hard could it be to fake a smile for her mom? She clicked accept.
“Hey Mom!” Sabrina planted a big smile on her face.
“Oh no.” Her Mom frowned. “Honey, What’s wrong?”
Sabrina scoffed, “Nothing's wrong Mom.”
“Oh honey, are you drunk?”
“No Mom, I’m not drunk.” Sabrina said sluggishly.
“Then what’s the matter hun? Did the interviews not go well today?”
“Nothing's wrong Mom, you’re projecting. The interviews went fine.”
“Okay, okay. Maybe I am projecting. I just miss my baby girl right now. Is that a crime?”
Sabrina felt the tears prickle in her throat. She swallowed the feelings down.
“No Mom it’s not. I’m sorry. I miss you guys too.”
“It just doesn’t feel like Christmas without all of us together.” Her moms eyes were teary.
“No, Mom, don't cry, please.”
Too late her mom was crying.
“Mom, why are you crying? Who are you talking to?” Said a voice off screen. Sarah.
“I’m talking to your sister.” Sabrina’s sister came into view with her mom, her face super close.
“Hi Sab! Are you drunk?” Sarah asked, not helping Sabrina’s case.
“No. I’m not.” Sabrina rolled her eyes.
“Your eyes say otherwise, girl.” Shannon came into view now.
“Okay, fuck you too Shannon.”
“Language!” Sabrina’s mother said through tears.
“Is that Sabrina? Hi honey, how are you?” Her dad said off screen.
“Who else is there? Great Aunty Cindy from the grave? What is everyone doing there on Christmas Eve?” Sabrina asked, annoyed.
“We’re staying the night. Cayla’s meeting us tomorrow morning with the kids.” Explained Shannon
“That’s…nice,” Sabrina let out
“Someone’s jealous,” Sarah snorted, and Sabrina gave her the finger.
“Be nice!” Her mom said, “it’s not easy being away for the holidays.”
"Don't worry Sab, we’re all miserable without you.” Shannon frowned
“Yeah, we miss you hun.” Her dad came into view from behind her moms recliner.
“It’s not a Carpenter Christmas without the baby,” Sarah teased but still had a softness in her eyes.
“Thanks guys. I miss you all too. I love you.” Sabrina didn’t know how long she would be able to hold on to her composure for.
“Okay well…I guess we’ll let you go. I’m sure you’ve had a long day and wanna sleep, right?” Her mom offered
“Yeah, I do-did. I’m exhausted.”
“Okay then I’ll let you go, love you hun. Merry Christmas. Tell your boyfriend we said hi, wherever he is.”
“Okay, love you too mom, send pictures, and tell Cayla and the kids I love them.” Sabrina droned.
“Wait,” Sarah spoke, “Sab, I’m gonna text you later, okay? Respond please.” Sarah was the only other person (other than Paloma) who knew about her ex.
“Yeah, okay…I will, love you Sarah, gotta go bye!” Sabrina sped up as her mom asked what Sarah was talking about and then hit the end call.
Sabrina sank into her chair and groaned. She looked back at her Ex’s pile of shit in the living room. With a huff, she scooted from the dining room chair, grabbed her bottle, and went into her dimly lit living room to finish the job.
Sabrina dropped to the ground next to the stuff. She had asked an assistant to grab her some boxes from Fed Ex to mail them in…if that’s what she chose to do. Sabrina squinted her eyes like the pile of items was a cowboy and the town wasn’t big enough for the two of them. Then she laid back and let her head hit the floor, staring at the ceiling. She couldn’t do this in the quiet, with a million thoughts running through her head. Maybe she should put on a movie! She moved to grab the remote. What would she watch? All streaming platforms were promoting Christmas stuff, and she definitely wasn’t going to watch that. She could look through and find what? A romance movie? A family movie? A movie about friendship? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Sabrina abandoned her very demanding quest of grabbing the remote, hitting her head again, against the fluffy rug.
A stream of light was cutting through her living room blinds. Just a bit of white Christmas lights from the brightly lit house across from hers. It hit at the exact right angle of something silver, covered by clothes in the pile. The sparkle caught her eye. She turned her head to it. Letting curiosity get to her, she sat up. She leaned towards the thing, taking the dirty clothes off it. She brought it closer to her.
Of course it was a CD player. God, that guy was the epitome of predictable and basic. Only listening to music the ‘correct way’ instead of the streaming platforms all his favorites were on anyways. Sabrina rolled her eyes. Maybe hatred was blinding her judgement, but she really didn’t care. Whatever, he was gone and Sabrina was now in possession of his lovely CD player. It was probably vintage too. What a dweeb.
Sabrina thought of all the things she could do to it. Throw it off a building. Destroy it with a hammer. Sell it for cheap to really piss him off. But the only thing that came to her exhausted mind right now was that she needed something to distract her from the stress-and music usually did that. Her music would only remind her of home. The songs her sister showed her, or her friends' music, or artists that inspired her to write. Maybe this guy had some weird freak rock she’s never heard of and she could tune out like white noise. Some ‘real’ music, as her douche Ex put it.
Sabrina searched for a CD in the guy’s messy pile. She threw clothes around, blindly searching, maybe even broke something on the way, until she felt some familiar plastic. She pulled it out from under some old boxers. Aha! Great job Sabrina, pat yourself on the back! Sabrina looked at the album cover. The cover was all white with one figure, a skeleton in a black marching band uniform. A conductor maybe? He was in a marching stance. Under him was the title ‘The Black Parade’. Over the conductor, in barely legible sprawl, was the band's name. My Chemical Romance.
Oh. Emo. M‘kay. Sabrina grimaced. She knew the band of course, who didn’t know that one song where the dude goes to a city with his dad and whatever. But emo? Was she really in the mood to hear some guy whine about his life right now? Well, in all honesty, Sabrina was feeling kind of emo right now. Kind of perfect timing. Sabrina was in the mood to cry about her life right now. And who knows? It might make her laugh if it's really bad. And it would do its job, keeping her mind off of things.
Sabrina looked at the back to see more ineligible sprawl. The conductor was looking rough, ripped clothes and arrows through his skeletal structure. Sabrina guessed the album was about death or whatever. Normal emo shit. She opened the CD taking in the details of the disk and the inside art work but her drunk brain just blurred it together. She put it in. She closed the top with a click and hit play.
It took a second to turn on. Sabrina’s drunk brain jolted when the album first started playing. Opening the album was the sound of a heart monitor, like in a hospital. She was not expecting that but thinking it through, a likely way to start an emo album. She started sorting clothes as the album went on.
Now come one, come all, to this tragic affair
Sabrina made a few piles, one for clothes, one for fragile stuff, and one for everyday things like razors or hairspray. She should probably look up if she can even mail that or if she’d get fined, or like, arrested.
Wipe off that makeup, what’s in is despair
Okay, this guy was spitting some bars actually. She actually did need to take off her flaking makeup.
So throw on the black dress mix in with the lot, you might wake up and notice your someone your not
Nevermind. What is this guy talking about?
Sabrina found another CD and put it in the fragile pile. Fuck, should she be putting these in boxes too? She needed to get up and grab her phone, and some boxes, but she definitely wasn’t winning any straight line tests at all. She got up nevertheless.
If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, You can find out first hand what it's like to be me,
As Sabrina got up she accidentally knocked over her bottle of wine. Great. Another thing to clean up. A great Christmas gift to her. She moved to grab her phone, her boxes, and some paper towels.
So gather 'round, piggies, and kiss this goodbye,
Sabrina slipped in the puddle her fallen bottle of wine made. Her head hit the floor just as the music swelled up. She saw darkness.
I'd encourage your smiles, I'll expect you won't cry!
The music dropped.