Chapter Text
"Reinhard !"
The man in question turned to see Ferris diagonally to his left, waving him over urgently. Surprised, Reinhard stood and headed toward him, curious about what he had to say.
Why did he seem so impatient ? Was something wrong ? Realizing he was worrying over nothing again, Reinhard sighed mentally, already imagining Felt mocking him from afar.
"What is it, Ferris ?"
His eyes sparkling with a mischievous glint, the demi-human grinned, clinging to Reinhard's arm and striking a pose :
"Today, something very important is about to happen..."
"Oh? And what might that be ?"
"Yes, Reinhard. I know that for you, who aspires to such innocence, this will be hard to swallow..."
"I confess, I don't quite follow you."
"Reinhard..."
Ferris closed his eyes, feigning nonchalance and a calm mind. The redhead, long accustomed to his antics, played along without comment.
"Yes."
"Julius X Subaru is finally official !!" he cried out.
So that was what this was about...
In truth, nearly every time Ferris spotted Julius and Subaru in the same peripheral vision, he’d claim it was a sign from God — that they were destined to be together if only someone would stop trying to make it a "slow burn." Although Reinhard only understood half of Ferris's peculiar terms like "ship," "slow burn," and "soulmates," he nodded so much that Ferris had named him Vice-President of Romantic Affairs.
Well... at least life wasn't boring with him.
"I see... I am... happy for them ?"
"With more conviction !" Ferris ordered, tightening his grip on his elbow as they walked.
"I am very happy for them !"
"GOOD !"
"Glad to satisfy you, but Ferris, how do you know already ? Did they tell you and forget to inform me ?"
"Nyon, nyon, nyon ! If we had to wait for them to say it, even *One Piece* would finish first."
"One Piece..."
"I forgot you’re the opposite of Julius when it comes to books. Anyway, you’ll see when we find them — they’ll probably already be pining for each other ! Plus, we left them alone for too long... My god, Reinhard, I’m not ready to be a nanny so young !"
"Well, biologically, I doubt two boys can create life ; it would be a miracle."
Ferris stared at Reinhard, who seemed to take everything literally. He stifled a sigh, almost skipping as he walked, his excitement mounting. He truly hoped those two would settle their damn 'issues' and confess their feelings !
He turned toward the window panes. The rain had stopped, and only a few drops trailed down the high school’s beautiful glass walls.
"Say, Reinhard, do you think they’ll tell us what’s on their hearts ?"
"Well... I don't wish to seem strange, but I confess I’ve noted a change in their behavior. Usually, Julius obstinately refused to give any answer or reaction, whereas now, even if he shows nothing, he is more inclined to respond. I don't think he accepted that outing last time by chance; it was as if he’d been given a certain strength to manage it."
"A strength, huh ? As long as he relaxes, I’ll give him all my strength. It was exhausting seeing him like that for years, but now that there’s a change, it’s sudden. Same for Subaru — even if we haven’t known him long, I feel he’s changing too." Ferris tried not to smirk at his next remark. "Honestly, those two make a fine oxymoron!"
Reinhard nodded with a soft laugh.
They walked to the meeting point, chatting about everything and nothing. Of course, the redhead shared anecdotes that were breathtakingly dramatic in the most depressing tone possible, but Ferris was used to it and teased him, knowing he didn't do it on purpose.
While laughter personified the two young men, on Julius and Subaru’s side, it was pure panic. They stood in a hidden corner near the cafeteria, and there was no need to ask their opinion on future confessions — their expressions alone were worth a thousand words.
Julius was twirling a strand of his bangs in a loop — annoying Subaru, who told him to stop trying to look handsome. His posture was relaxed, though his back remained straight, as did his shoulders. Truthfully, compared to Subaru, he looked like a marble statue.
Because Subaru was literally panicking. He was pacing in circles, snapping at Julius just for the pleasure of being angry at that arrogant guy. When he wasn't walking, he was tapping his feet in a rhythm that irritated Julius, who was trying to concentrate on what to say.
*Tap. Tap. Tap.*
*Tap. Tap. Tap.*
*Tap. Tap. Tap.*
*TAP. TAP. TAP.*
"...Subaru, would you please stop ?"
"Huh ?" As if suddenly realizing what he was doing, a flush crept up his cheeks while he cursed Julius for the hundredth time since they’d started.
He was embarrassed. Every bone in his body, the blood in his veins, the cells breathing, the respiration creating energy, the cellular exchanges, and all those weird things from Biology class — everything was embarrassed! A damn speech. He had given JULIUS a damn SPEECH. Who did he think he was ? The President ? The reincarnation of Charles de Gaulle !?
Dammit! It was so cringy. He had just told him, "Yeah, well, you're gay, bro," BUT WHY, GOOD GOD, WHY HAD HE DARED SAY THAT !? Plus, now Julius was looking at him with a different gaze that threw him off — why did he dare look at him with... gratitude ? Then again, this guy was strange in general, so...
He wasn't some poem by Rimbaud or whoever... and that last thing he said... OH, THAT DAMN LAST SENTENCE...
*[...it’s not just homosexuals who like boys.]*
WELL DUH, OF COURSE, BUT TRY TELLING HIM TO HIS FACE THAT YOU’RE ACTUALLY LIKE HIM ?! DAMMIT, JULIUS WITH HIS ASSHOLE INTERPRETATION SKILLS WAS BOUND TO UNDERSTAND, ARGHHH !!!!
Subaru really needed to calm down.
At the same time, it wasn't *sooo* bad if Julius assumed Subaru was also... on the "homo" side? He didn't know anything about it, okay?! Subaru had never succumbed to a man's charm — Reinhard didn't count, that guy was literally the exception that proved everyone’s rule. But since Emilia told him that, it had kept him thinking all night.
After that stupid call, he finished his quests as planned but started to wander into the meaning of their questions and assumptions. First, what he knew of Anastasia was that she was cunning and full of vice — Julius would probably kill him if he heard that, but an... intelligent... person like her had made that deduction, so it had to come from somewhere.
An interpretation never comes from nowhere; you always base it on something: an event, an object, a word, a gesture, etc. And Subaru had concluded that Julius and he must just... give off that... vibe ?
BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHAT VIBE WAS HE TALKING ABOUT ?!
Subaru always found himself useless when it came to thinking ; he was sure if anyone but him asked this question, they’d find the answer. Always slow on the uptake. In a way, it was an answer — because what would a man like Julius find in this freak, or even the others ?
Why did everyone find him so incredible in the first place ?
Why had anyone come to talk to him ?
Why was anyone interested in him ?
Maybe they were right in the end; maybe he really should have stayed home and never come out again, it would have been bette—
"Subaru."
"Ah..?"
Julius looked down at what his hand was holding. "Your arms. You looked as though you were about to..."
"Oh." Subaru suddenly felt the pressure of his fingers on his wrist; he also noticed the paleness of his skin, especially from this close. "You can let go. I wasn't going to do it anyway."
"...I see."
Julius loosened his grip without letting go of Subaru's wrist, who looked at him with curiosity. He was about to ask why he wasn't listening, but the lavender-haired boy answered before he could even speak :
"For someone who uttered words about love and self-acceptance just a few minutes ago, you seem quite at odds with yourself."
"Mind your own business. And besides, I said that because you looked like a rascal who was going to burst into tears at any moment."
"Rascal, seriously ? Fine, I can't allow myself to let you hurt yourself right before my eyes. It’s bold to ask this, but I would appreciate it if you talked to me about that rather than... you know."
Subaru fell silent for a moment. He desperately wanted to decline Julius’s "charity" invitation on the spot, but the other’s light orange, almost yellow eyes made him swallow his pride.
He tried to look away, but the pair of eyes fixed on him held a desire for understanding and... a concern far too strong for the young man.
"We’re here, guys !!"
Ferris, may all your wishes be granted immediately.
You are the best.
May your life be filled with happiness and beautiful encounters.
Hoping you finish your days surrounded by loved ones.
Peace.
"Why is Subaru looking at me like I just announced World War III...?"
"Wh-what!? No, seriously, stop with that, I’m gonna start taking it personally when you insult my eyes !"
"Nyehehe... don’t worry, if Reinhard becomes a surgeon, he can fix them for you."
"I HAVE NO DESIRE TO HAVE THEM FIXED, GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD !!"
A surgeon ? Reinhard himself didn't know he wanted to become one, yet he refrained from correcting Ferris, who would surely jump at his throat if he did so in a moment like this, telling him he was too tense and would end up like Julius.
As if by magic sensing he was being talked about, Julius met Reinhard's eyes before politely looking away. Guilt flooded his heart — he knew the two would never reject or ignore him just because of his 'problem,' yet Julius couldn't wrap his head around the idea that in a few minutes, the way his two closest friends looked at him would change entirely.
In short, they chatted for a few minutes before finally entering the cafeteria for lunch. With every step, the hearts of the two "sinners" were on the verge of jumping out of their chests. They beat so loudly that even the cafeteria din seemed quiet in comparison.
As they joined the line to serve themselves, a young student called out to one of them with a reprimand :
"It’s only one dessert and one roll per person, Barusu."
Subaru didn't even need to turn around to know which student was uttering those vice-filled words.
"HEY !! I HAVEN'T EVEN TAKEN A SECOND ONE YET, THAT'S DISCRIMINATION !"
"No, just a habit. Ram knows your appetite is the most repulsive thing you possess; thus, Ram prefers you don't shame yourself by being caught stealing a vulgar piece of bread."
The girl addressing Subaru, named Ram, swept her pink bangs aside, casting a satisfied look at her interlocutor, who seemed offended by her accusations.
"...Thank you, Big Sis," Subaru retorted, ironically articulating every syllable.
Julius did his best to suppress a slight smile at Subaru’s frazzled attitude — Ferris clearly observing without shame to see if his lip curled even a nanometer.
Reinhard noticed, however, that the amount of food Julius served himself was... different than usual.
Was it... related to the announcement ?
It would be perfectly logical for a fine man like Julius to deign to finally put words to his suffering ! He was someone admirable and commendable in Reinhard’s eyes. It was only then that he finally felt the tension in his own shoulders ; he didn't usually know himself to be this anxious, but even if he often said otherwise, Reinhard was not insensitive.
Sometimes he found himself wishing he had access to Julius’s... noble attitude and behavior. No one had anything bad to say about someone like him, who knew his values, principles, and respect. Unlike him, Julius was a studious and attentive pupil, an enterprising comrade, a caring friend, and a kind son.
He didn't really understand what Julius could envy in him, and the mere thought that he —Reinhard, was someone highly placed and esteemed in Julius’s eyes put his own self-perception into total reconsideration.
"Reinhard ?"
"A-ah, yes..." Subaru looked at him as if waiting for an answer to a question Reinhard hadn't heard. "Forgive me, I was lost in thought. What were you talking about ?"
"...No need to apologize, man! Anyway, we were choosing which table to sit at, so just move it, I wouldn't want you getting lost without us !"
Lost ?
Was he... capable of that ?
No one would say that because... everyone thought not ; it was impossible for him to get lost. Yet Subaru suggested it as if it were normal, as if Reinhard were simply an ordinary friend.
Reinhard smiled inwardly; such a simple gesture filled him with a joy he didn't know existed within him. He too had to make himself useful and come to his friends' aid! He made a promise in his head that whatever Julius and Subaru told them, he would support them.
"I hope you have some quality 'tea' for us, making us come here, Julius and Subaru-kyun !!"
"A tea ?"
"Forget it, Reinhard, I... don't think you'll understan—"
"Ferris uses the term 'tea' to refer to a situation where an interesting or grave event has occurred, hence a gathering where people 'spill' the news. It can also refer to Sunday outings for ladies who gather to gossip over tea."
"Oh, I see. Thank you for the explanation, Julius." The redhead exclaimed as if he had finally discovered something grand.
Subaru shot a disgusted look at Julius, who merely shrugged with a satisfied expression.
On the verge of flipping him off, the black-haired boy remembered the reason for their assembly.
He brushed the bad thoughts from his head and grabbed his chopsticks to eat his meal.
"When the cafeteria decides to make this dish, I can guarantee you it'll be the best day of all time !"
"That seems a bit excessive for a meal..."
"Nyo! He’s right. Food rhymes with nature, and nature with Mother Nature, aka the person who represents freedom, so food = peace, therefore = good !"
"Your comparisons never cease to impress me, Ferris."
The cat-boy merely snickered and kept an eye on his companion's plate.
Julius wasn't really in the mood to eat now. He had been mixing the components of his dish for a while, not knowing what to do while waiting for the three to finish. This gesture, usually so suspicious, was executed with such perfect grace that at first glance... no one could guess this boy had any problem at all.
Seeing his friends rave over the food reinforced the knot slowly forming in his stomach. This day had been exhausting, and only the morning had passed. He had allowed himself to stray from the straight path with Subaru — he was one of the only people he’d permit that with, but the shame regarding the situation gave him little comfort. Julius knew he would have to announce it sooner or later to Reinhard and Ferris; his attitude was bound to draw suspicion from those closest to him.
His ability to keep his cool had always been a double-edged sword; while he used it as soon as a situation slipped from his hands, his companions sometimes found it excessive. Anastasia told him incessantly to relax and take a deep breath, finding his attitude far too serious for a teenager and a friend. But breaking a habit that had helped him so many times was difficult, and that was where his problem lay
His inability to detach himself from the past.
Julius had become dependent on it ; maintaining his cool, hiding his feelings, his obsessive control over food, and his obsession with perfection. It had always dictated his life, and now a few words from Subaru were ready to destroy his foundations ?
He couldn't explain if he found it incredibly indecent or interesting.
Julius stole a glance at Subaru, who was doing the same, his leg tapping the ground just like before.
They had to talk about it now.
Right now.
It was the first time he’d dare to say he openly shared the same feeling as someone else.
"Well... I don't really know how to say this, but I think you suspect we have something to say since we wanted to talk."
"No kidding..." Ferris replied sarcastically.
"Ugh, I... tsk... ahh, I don't know how to say it!? I-I... I..."
"We have both succumbed to harmful habits. Thus, we have come to inform you, for we thought that keeping them secret was akin to heading into battle without a weapon."
Julius said this sentence with detachment.
As if each word didn't carry the weight of every sentiment and emotion they had both felt for so long.
Subaru could only admire the other's eloquence in silence.
"Julius..." Reinhard was the first to respond. His eyes betrayed deep worry; his features expressed such bitter sadness at Julius’s words that the latter timidly lowered his eyes.
Julius didn't want to appear weak in front of Reinhard.
Many of his relatives might have believed that, yet... though that wasn't entirely false, far more deep-seated emotions also had their place in his heart.
Emotions so anchored that even his advanced vocabulary couldn't describe them.
It was like an exoplanet observing a planet. Deep down they were the same, but their names and positions differentiated them; they could have coexisted, but the universe had already separated them before they had time to truly know each other.
It was like the tide rising over the sand. It already possessed so much, yet it pushed forward; it was greedy and always wanted more, except that at some point it would recede and abandon the sand it had tried to claim.
Illogical comparisons that only a reader like him could imagine and read.
"Not to ruin the nyatmosphere, but... can we know what these bad habits actually are?" Despite Ferris’s teasing tone, the sincerity in his eyes allowed the two to truly express themselves.
"Personally, it's... more an old habit that comes back sometimes. Not often, but when I feel too overwhelmed by something. I had... a habit of thinking I had to suffer, that if such pitiful feelings made me hurt so much, then physical pain should too. It’s... really stupid said like that, but in the moment... when I was just... all alone with a blade... I self-harmed."
He mumbled the end of his sentence.
Subaru tried to focus on the movement of his leg on the floor rather than his friends' realization — anything but looking them in the eye.
Oh my God.
It was...
Really pitiful, wasn't it ?
While Julius and Emilia had discovered it more by a stroke of luck and a twist of fate, here with Ferris and Reinhard, he was the one who had started the conversation. He was the one who had led them here.
He was the one who had made the promise.
And honestly, their reactions terrified him quite a bit.
"How could that be stupid ? To suggest so is more likely to be foolish than the act itself. Subaru, I... forgive me... I don't know what to say. I feel so many things hearing this, but I simply cannot find the words." The regret emanating from Reinhard’s voice made Subaru’s throat tighten. "I’m sorry I couldn't accompany you sooner and for not noticing. I have no idea of the scale of what you’re going through, and it would be presumptuous to say otherwise, but I want to. I want to understand it; I want to understand you. You were one of the first people to see the 'Reinhard' before the 'Van Astrea' that I am, and in that way, I wish to return the favor."
If any of the three noticed Subaru was struggling to hold back tears, none had the audacity to speak.
Ferris remained silent, staring at an invisible point. It was... he didn't really know what to say. Healing accidental wounds was his specialty, but self-inflicted wounds had always repulsed him.
His taste for people who enjoyed hurting themselves was very low. He would even dare say people who did it disgusted him; the very idea of hurting oneself and wishing for death was repugnant to him.
An immense disgust took hold of him thinking about it.
Someone who had the chance to live wished for death ?
No logic in his eyes.
"And you, Julius ? What is your tragic tale ?" Ferris cursed himself inwardly for the harsh tone of his voice.
"A tale ? Sorry to disappoint you, Ferris, but it is nothing so noble as to deserve that title."
"Get to the point, Julius."
"...I didn't know you to be so blunt. One learns many things in serious situations; it is in seriousness that truth is finally elucidated. I should have realized sooner, what an error on my part."
"Julius... no. My friend, I beg you, be blunt with us for once. The words I said to Subaru apply to you as well; my worry remains the same for both of you."
"Such beautiful words coming from you, I expected as much, however... my friend." Julius traced the rim of his nearly empty water glass with his fingertip. "Several people believe my eating habits are bad for me... I have... a habit of not necessarily meeting my primary needs and preferring control over necessity. Thus, it has repercussions on me and my daily life."
Julius said it in a detached tone.
It would exasperate more than a few, no doubt, yet none of the students at the table commented on his tone. All three were aware of the difficulty he had expressing a single thing he’d consider a "sign of frail weakness."
"Is that all ?"
"I beg your pardon ?"
Reinhard prepared to intervene, seeing clearly that his brown-haired friend was surely not thinking about his next words, but didn't have time because the latter continued directly :
"I mean, everyone here knows you’re gonna shorten your pain into a few literary phrases and act like you’re turning the page. I’ve known you for years, Julius. Your 'control' thing, everyone knows about it even if not everyone has the balls to confront you on it, but frankly, between a need for control and hurting yourself, there’s a huge gap. Especially for someone like you, I mean, you’re... conscious enough of what it causes to have dived headfirst into it without a second thought."
"Forgive me for not meeting your high expectations, Ferris." The lavender-haired boy replied ironically, not having expected Ferris to be so blunt — though prepared for the possibility. "It would seem I have strayed from the path; even a noble soul like mine is... not perfect t—"
"Exactly, that’s the whole problem, you idiot... always with the words 'control' and 'perfection' in your mouth that you even forget what they mean ! You, who are buried in your books non-stop, should have realized that word is impossible to achieve. Perfecting something is just improving it, that’s all... I don’t want you killing yourself over that stupid goal..." Ferris’s voice dropped several octaves as his vocal cords cracked. He sniffled discreetly, trying not to cry when he wasn't even the victim in the first place.
That was exactly why he hated self-harm : because it caused irreversible damage to the person and their loved ones. It tormented them endlessly: *What if I had done this... what if I had told them that day... what if I had accepted...* and enough "what ifs" to recreate the universe. He hated it because Ferris was conscious of the vast difference between remorse and regret.
A regret will never leave a person.
It attaches itself and remains, no matter what they do.
And in that thought, he began to hate.
To hate the idea that people with their health would hurt themselves.
To hate those people who didn't realize how lucky they were to be alive.
To hate all those people who reminded him constantly of Fourier and himself.
It was a pathetic way of thinking because, in thinking so, Ferris fell into contradiction with himself, inflicting upon himself the same fate as the people he was supposed to hate so much.
A hand was felt on his shoulder. He looked up to see Subaru’s hand holding him, the latter casting a look of immeasurable concern.
Tears welled in his eyes.
"I hate this..." he stammered as his eyes stung and his throat tightened. "I don't want... I don't want you guys croaking because of your stupid ideals... y-you have your lives, why do you want to... why..."
"Forgive us, Ferris, but we realized it, didn't we ? Asking for help is like looking for meds at the pharmacy, right ?"
Ferris sniffed, seeing Subaru's idiotic smile through his blurred eyes as he tried to cheer him up.
"Stupid Subaru..."
"Stupid but conscious !" Subaru said in such a confident tone that Ferris let out a laugh at his frazzled attitude.
Letting out an exasperated smile, he turned his attention back to Julius, who remained straight as a pillar in his chair. He noticed, however, that his index finger was tapping the table in an irregular rhythm, and his plate — though the amount of food hadn't decreased much—had indeed diminished a little.
"Don't think I'm done with your case, you."
Julius looked up to meet his eyes. He said nothing for a long moment before finally smiling and retorting politely :
"Am I being prosecuted ?"
"See, that's why you have no friends, you bastard!" Subaru immediately retorted in a humorous tone, making the other three laugh.
Though none of the problems were fully resolved, Subaru and Julius felt a sense of peace. It was indeed peaceful to know that despite their troubles, their loved ones continued to appreciate them — though those concerned would say it was stupid to think they’d reject them !
After finishing their meal, they got up from the table, and each chatted with his comrade. The bell rang all too soon to the great dismay of Subaru and Ferris, who took no pleasure in returning to class — though Reinhard tried to reassure them by reminding them that classes would be shortened due to the festival.
...
Reinhard had simply given them another reason to complain.
The hours passed. Nothing notable happened except for Subaru being kicked out of class because of an uncompleted assignment and a justification that would make a teacher regret their career.
Even if Julius claimed not to care, his black-haired friend had been given detention until 5:30 PM for that reason. Thus, finishing at 3:00 PM himself, it seemed unreasonable to wait 2.5 hours — though he wouldn't have immediately refused if asked.
Finally, the wind led him to cross paths with Reinhard, who had just left Felt.
"Oh, Julius ?" Reinhard said in surprise upon seeing his silhouette. "I thought you’d already left."
"Well, I would be in normal times, but Subaru was... saddled with the responsibility of two hours of detention. I was about to leave and wished to say goodbye; however, I noticed you are alone and therefore permit myself to ask if you would like us to walk back together."
Ah !
Reinhard understood immediately.
It was the usual trope Ferris talked about non-stop! Julius hadn't come to say "goodbye" at all as he claimed but was inviting him to walk with him. Yet Reinhard thought that kind of event only happened within a romantic relationship — Ferris always illustrating his points with Subaru and Julius, whom he suspected of secretly dating.
"You could have just told me that the idea of me being far away worries you !"
"...I beg your pardon ?"
Oh.
He shouldn't have said that, right...?
After that all-too-embarrassing interaction, Julius and Reinhard set off. A small blush of embarrassment tinted Reinhard’s ears — which, ironically, wasn't visible due to his red hair.
Perhaps he had jumped to conclusions too fast ? He must have gotten the trope wrong ! Drat ! Or was it in that logic that Julius had spoken to him ? Could he really be capable of planning his moves that far ahead !? Wow, there was no doubt Julius was incredible, and it frustrated Reinhard to a point because the latter hardly noticed it.
During his confession earlier, Reinhard had hesitated greatly to speak, terrified that his words would be misinterpreted by Julius. Thus, he had decided to talk to him about it one-on-one. And it seemed he was blessed, for he didn't even have time to plan anything before Julius suggested walking !
It had to be a stroke of fate; maybe the wind had led him here ? Ahhh, maybe it was too ignorant to think that... anyway, the most important thing was that Julius was beside him and he had to find a way to start the conversation !! Contrary to what one might believe, Reinhard usually excelled at everything — he was even nicknamed "the chosen one of the Gods" given his extraordinary luck. But his weak point had always been communication, because for that to succeed, both parties had to understand each other.
Except everyone had a different interpretation of things; words were double-edged, and most people didn't realize the impact of the words they uttered. So Reinhard was very careful with his words, except most of the time it was just habits speaking: politeness, respect, and "normality." Those were Reinhard’s three weapons during a discussion, except Subaru, Felt, and others had appeared in his life, and since then, his weapons had become... harmless.
So he tried to improve in that area, except talking like a normal person to Julius was impossible. No matter what Reinhard said, Julius would take his words and transform them into a quote or a philosophical essay, thinking the latter had an extraordinary talent for eloquence, while Reinhard saw no further than the usual meaning of words. And besides, Julius always took his words seriously and never let his guard down in front of him or anyone in general.
So his only solution was to speak with basic terms that, even if they hinted at an interpretation, would mean the same thing.
"Julius." The redhead stopped abruptly, forcing his companion to turn around.
"Yes ? What is it ?" Julius replied curiously, surprised by Reinhard's sudden seriousness.
The piercing blue eyes met his.
"...I... I find you incredible, truly !"
"Wh-what?"
"You are one of the men who has impressed me most in my life, honestly. You, who did not come from nobility and yet carry yourself with such presence... I admire your attitude! Your seriousness, your discipline, and your determination are an inspiration to me."
"Reinhard...?" Unconsciously, Julius left a fraction of a second between the two syllables of the name.
"I..." Reinhard blinked several times, retracting slightly. "I don't know, actually. I don't know everything, and frankly, I know even less how to talk! But what I do know is that I’m worried about you. I’m worried about you all in general. Even if I’m happy to see that you and Subaru are on good terms, if it’s not too selfish, I would like to join that too... that way you are so relaxed with Subaru !"
Was he really doing this now...
"Without wishing to sound haughty, I know you hold me in high esteem. But I don't want your esteem for me to hold you back from approaching me; I don't want you to think you are weak because... well, even if you show weakness today, I know that tomorrow you’ll be the one picking us up with a teaspoon, and that’s all that matters to me !"
"R-Reinhard... you..."
"I know we both succumbed to the urge; we both wanted to... fit into the boxes even if being inside will prevent us from ever leaving. We weren't taught to be weak. We were taught to be symbols. But a symbol has no lungs; it doesn't breathe. It ends up suffocating."
A nomadic breeze made the students' hair dance. His eyes didn't leave Julius's, searching in them for the spark he had so longed to glimpse.
Julius felt his throat tighten. To say today had been surprising would be an understatement. Reinhard's words resonated so loudly in his heart that he felt it miss a beat at the harmony of the letters, words, and phrases used. It was undeniable that he held him in great admiration, but to hear from the mouth of his greatest inspiration that he himself aspired to become more like him made him feel emotions he wouldn't dare name.
Without even noticing, a smile formed on his lips. One of those smiles reserved for a handful of people—the kind of smile Reinhard had always longed to be the cause of, the kind of smile that could brighten anyone's darkness. Reinhard couldn't help but stare at the curve of his lips. Julius's eyes crinkled slightly as he let out a sound like a laugh.
"Indeed, even the darkest night will end when the sun rises."
Reinhard could only admire Julius.
He wasn't handsome.
He was worse.
His expression was like a fresco where the art is covered.
Yet it exists right underneath.
"I like that side too, you know ?" Reinhard retorted tenderly, smiling in turn. "I know you’ll always be the kind of person to cite phrases whose origin or meaning I probably won't know."
"Do not worry about that, my friend; if Subaru succeeded, I doubt it will be very complicated."
Only Subaru was special.
Reinhard knew it.
Oh, if only anyone could read Julius’s heart to see the place where Subaru resided. Reinhard could only admire it from afar, for in that place, Julius offered the meaning of himself to Subaru.
It wasn't bitter jealousy or a harmful feeling. Just a wish to one day have the chance to, in turn, understand him, him and the others.
"Would it be too indiscreet to say a word about your parents ?"
Though surprised by the question, Julius didn't let it show. "I pray you, Reinhard."
Never, ever had Reinhard dared to mention Julius's parents. And the latter's boldness surprised Julius; perhaps he had changed long ago, but the boldness Reinhard now possessed would never cease to impress Julius.
He took a deep breath.
"Hope is the only good that remained from all the evils of Pandora's box. Your parents did not take your future with them, Julius. They left you the hope of becoming the man you are today."
"...You always seem to know how to make others succumb, Reinhard..."
Reinhard could read on Julius's lips the melancholy he restrained himself from naming.
"Hope doesn't necessarily remain alone. Each of us hopes; why not do it together ?"
As he spoke these words, Reinhard had stepped closer to Julius, though still not taking his eyes off him. It was the first time he’d dared to do so much with Julius, and frankly, he regretted not having undertaken this sooner seeing the life-filled expression on the other's face.
.
.
.
"...It would be impolite to refuse such audacity," Julius replied, brushing back his bangs.
Reinhard laughed, closing his eyes at the usual attitude of... his friend :
"Of course you’d say that, my friend."