Chapter Text
Upon arriving at Nora Mental Health Facility, Ivan is almost immediately placed on a 72-hour mental health hold. Peter stayed with him while the staff checked Ivan’s vitals and went through a basic mental health analysis, before leaving with promises of informing and giving the axe to his mother.
The rest of the night went by in a blur. Ivan was lead to the men’s section of the facility, Unit 3, and brought into the shared dorm. He slept restlessly, and it didn’t help that the bed was firm and the blanket was thin.
Ivan spent the next day in a haze, barely acknowledging his surroundings and the people around him. A meeting with a provided personal psychologist ended with Ivan being deemed unfit to leave the unit for the day. He picked at whatever food was given to him, and busied himself with a puzzle that had been started in the corner of the main room then abandoned. At some point his mother called him, asking him questions pertaining to his mental health and why he didn’t reach out. When Ivan was unresponsive, she told him to focus on getting better, that she loved him and was going to visit him tomorrow.
On his second day was when Ivan snapped out of his daze. As he was being woken by the day staff, he finally observed his surroundings, taking note of how bright the sunlight shone through the window, and a fake plant on the windowsill adding a bit of a color to the clean, modern looking room.
He stood up, running a hand through his hair, and feeling a twinge of disgust at how greasy it felt. When was the last time he showered? He grabbed his visor, which had fallen off in his sleep, and walked out of the room.
Ivan stood still for a moment, at last taking the opportunity to get a good look at the main area of the unit. It was quite spacious, a cozy looking seating area with a TV placed in the middle of the room, and a shelf with several games, craft paper, and puzzles. A desk, where two staff members were currently stationed, was in the corner of the room, allowing a full view of the area. Most notably, the room had massive windows, making the space seem brighter and larger, and providing a view of what appeared to be a courtyard.
“Anyone who needs their meds and vitals come get them!”
One of the staff members called out to the patients from behind the desk, while another set out a chair and wheeled out a blood pressure machine. A few patients walked over to the desk to wait to have their vitals checked.
Ivan watched, his skin beginning to crawl. Was he really bad enough to be here? No, he couldn’t be. It was a misunderstanding. He didn’t belong here. Sure, maybe he needed help, but this was extensive!
He needed to get out.
“Have you had your vitals checked yet?”
A deep voice broke through Ivan’s thoughts, and he turned around to see one of the staff members giving him a questioning, and slightly concerned, look.
“Uh- no, not yet.”
The staff member motioned towards the line of patients.
“Go wait your turn then.”
The staff member’s voice was gentle but firm, and Ivan reluctantly complied. He kept his arms close to his side, and glared at the other patients from under the shadow of his visor.
When it was his turn, Ivan sat down, and hesitantly offered his arm and finger. The faster he got through this, the better. As his blood pressure and heart rate were checked, he felt nervous and trapped, and he wondered how he sat through this the day before.
When the on sight nurse finished, he stood up, letting out a soft exhale, and quickly walked away from the chair. He noticed on the table there were several folded towels and paper sauce cups filled with what he assumed to be soap. It had been a while since Ivan had showered, so if he had the opportunity to get clean he was going to take it.
“Excuse me?”
Ivan walked over to the same staff member who had told him to wait in line. The man, who was sitting at the desk overlooking the room, turned to face Ivan.
“What is it you need?”
“Is it ok if I go shower?”
Ivan didn’t meet the gaze of the man, feeling embarrassed to ask for permission to do something as basic as clean himself up. The facility was unfamiliar to him, and he didn’t want to possibly do something wrong.
“Of course! Let me unlock one of the bathrooms for you.”
As Ivan followed the man, his mind flitted with questions. They locked the bathrooms here? Were the people here really that bad that they couldn’t be trusted to use the bathroom without permission? These questions only further added to the idea that Ivan was here by mistake.
As the staff member began unlocking one of the bathroom doors, Ivan spoke up, still refusing to look the man in the eyes.
“I… also need clothes.”
“You don’t have any?”
Ivan shook his head in response to the question.
“We have extras, don’t worry.”
The staff member’s tone held no hint of condescension, but Ivan still felt embarrassed by how he needed to ask for so much. That he needed help with the most basic things.
The man walked off towards the desk, and unlocked a door behind it. As he disappeared into the dark room, Ivan took the time to grab a towel and soap. The man shortly returned with a gray hoodie and sweatpants, black boxers, and white grippy socks. He handed them to Ivan, and then unlocked the bathroom, gesturing to Ivan he was free to enter.
Ivan walked inside, and took in the surroundings. The bathroom was relatively normal and boring, with grey tiles floors and white walls. A small sink with almost no counter space was placed in the corner by the door, and a scratched up and cloudy reflective metal sheet serving as a mirror hung above it. The toilet was short, and instead of a handle was a button. The shower took up a third of the bathroom space. It had an in wall shelf and two buttons, one with a blue circle around it and the other with a red one.
Ivan exhaled softly, setting the borrowed clothes and towel on the sink. He undressed, and quickly figured out how the shower buttons worked. He began to wet his hair, relaxing under the warmth of the water and the sound of it pattering on the floor. For the first time in a while, Ivan’s mind was quiet.
Then the water stopped.
Ivan paused, confused. He pressed the hot water button, and the shower poured with life once more. Ivan felt a pang of annoyance at the realization that the water was on a timer. He resumed his cleansing, pausing every 10 seconds or so to press the button to keep the water running.
Once he had finished with his shower, he grabbed the towel and wrapped it around himself. He froze, grimacing at the rough texture. He carefully used the towel to dab himself dry to avoid the scratchy feeling as much as possible.
As soon as he was dry, he threw the towel at the ground, giving it a disgusted glare before putting on the borrowed clothes. They weren’t exactly comfortable, but they weren’t insufferable to the point he wanted to tear his skin off.
When he finished clothing himself, he reached for the doorknob of the bathroom. He paused, catching a glimpse of himself in the distorted sheet metal. Ivan stared into it for a moment, barely recognizing himself. Maybe it was just because of the scratches and blurs. Whatever the case was, Ivan was glad he couldn’t see himself clearly, afraid of seeing the Tumor staring back at him. So, he left the bathroom leaving the sheet metal intact, which was more than what he could say for the mirror back at his apartment.
Immediately upon walking out, Ivan was met with a staff member, this one shorter and more tired looking.
“Ivan, right?”
Ivan nodded, reaching to fidget with the drawstrings of the hoodie only to discover there were none.
“Dr. Micheal wants to see you.”
The staff member gestured to a door that was cracked open, and Ivan slowly began to approach the door. More doctors, more questions. His skin crawled at the thought of it.
He needed to get out.
Ivan grabbed the handle of the door and pulled it open, revealing a small room with a round table. A man sat on one side of the table, looking down at a notebook. At the sound of the door creaking open, the doctor looked up.
“Come in, take a seat.”
Ivan gave Dr. Micheal a wary look, and carefully closed the door. He took a seat across from the doctor, who turned to a blank page and took out a pen.
“Hello Ivan. How are we doing today? I know yesterday was a but of a rough day. Are we feeling more adjusted?”
Ivan rested his hands on the table, keeping them close to his body.
“I’m doing fine. And yes, this place is becoming a bit more… familiar.”
Dr. Micheal gave a hum, and wrote in the notebook. He then began going over the basic evaluation questions, asking if Ivan had been feeling suicidal or wanting to hurt himself, hearing voices, and his overall mood. Ivan gave the best possible answers, not because they were true, but because he wanted to get away from the doctor. Once Dr. Micheal had finished asking the questions, he reviewed Ivan’s answers and gave an approving nod.
“Well, that concludes our session! It seems you’re fit to leave the unit with the others.”
Relief washed over Ivan at being told he was allowed to leave the building. As spacious as the unit was, he wanted fresh air.
“Any questions before you go?”
“When can I be discharged?”
Ivan’s response came immediately. Dr. Micheal took notice to his anticipated question.
“Well, you’re currently on a 72-hour involuntary mental health hold, so you still have about 48 hours until we legally can’t hold you anymore.”
Ivan nodded, staring down at the ground.
“Thanks.”
He opened the door and left the room. Ivan stood still for a moment, processing the news that he was stuck in the mental hospital for another 2 days. That wouldn’t be long, right?
“Alright everyone! Come around for group!”
A staff member, the tired looking one, called out to the patients, motioning for them to gather around the main sitting area. As the other patients, about 9 of them, gathered around and sat down. As Ivan reluctantly walked over to sit down, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of dread at staying in the facility for another 48 hours.
“So, what we’re going to do is say our name, how we’re feeling, and… how about today we say our favorite ice cream flavor?”
The other patients seemed to agree with the last part, and so, the staff member started.
“Ok, so my name is Thomas, I’m feeling sleepy, and my favorite ice cream flavor is cookies n’ cream.”
Ivan barely paid attention as the other patients did their introductions. It wasn’t until it was his turn, and some prompting from Thomas, did he look up from his hands. When Ivan spoke, he was quiet, and each letter dragged itself from his lips.
“Umm- my name is Ivan. I feel…”
Trapped, dreadful, anxious. God, he did not want to be here.
“…tired. And my favorite ice cream flavor is chocolate and vanilla swirl.”
Chocolate and vanilla were the most simple and basic flavors. Safe. No one could go wrong with that. He wouldn’t be judged for that. Ice cream sounded kind of good to Ivan right then. Maybe it was because he hadn’t eaten anything yet.
As if on cue, Ivan felt his stomach rumble. How long until breakfast? What even was for breakfast?
Ivan was so lost in thought he didn’t notice the group dissipating. He continued to sit on the floor, his knees brought up to his chest. It wasn’t until a full 30 minutes later that he was snapped out of his thoughts by Thomas telling him to line up with the other patients.
Ivan slowly stood up and walked to the back of the line, trying to keep as much distance from the other patients as he could. The staff member who had given him the clothes led them outside of the unit.
Ivan, feeling a sense of happiness at being outside the unit. Instead of trying to hide in the depths of his mind, Ivan allowed himself to pay attention to his surroundings. The staff member, who while talking with one of the patients Ivan caught the name Cameron, led the patients to a courtyard.
The courtyard was surrounded by multiple decent sized buildings, each a different unit of Nora. There were several trees, each creating a comfortable amount of shade. A gazebo was centered in the courtyard, a small basketball court on the edge in an open space, and a swinging seat in a secluded, shaded corner. It was surprisingly peaceful and comfortable, and as Ivan followed the patients towards a building with a large window, he couldn’t help but hope he got a chance to sit out in the courtyard.
Once led inside the building, Ivan saw multiple tables, a couple trash cans lined up against each wall, and a service line where patients were already beginning to line up. Ivan followed suit, grabbing a tray and taking the plasticware that Cameron handed to him. He set the tray down on the counter and looked at the breakfast options while the cafeteria server was making a plate for the patient next to him. Bacon, scrambled eggs, sausage patties, and biscuits, all in their own separate bins. He turned his nose at the sight of the scrambled eggs. The texture of eggs were atrocious, and he wasn’t particularly too fond of bacon either.
“What would you like?”
The server had finished serving the patient before him and had turned her attention to him.
“Just a biscuit and sausage please.”
The server grabbed a plate from a stack on the counter behind her, and placed two sausage patties and a biscuit on it using tongs. She held the plate out to Ivan, who muttered his thanks and slid his tray down the line. There was a bin full of small, enclosed cups of apple and orange juice, and another with packets of different flavored jelly. Ivan decided to grab one of the apple juice cups, and slid down the line to the last section, which was a salad bar. He noticed there was a bin of yogurt among the different kinds of vegetables. Yogurt didn’t sound bad.
“Salad?”
Ivan looked up at the server, this one a guy, and shook his head.
“No thank you, but can I have yogurt?”
“What flavor?”
The server held a hand above the bin of yogurt, staring expectantly at Ivan as he waited for his response.
“Vanilla, please.”
The server looked down into the bin a began sifting through the flavors, quickly finding a vanilla. He pulled it out and handed it Ivan, who nodded and quickly departed from the line. He looked around at the tables, finding an empty one and sitting there.
Ivan carefully split the biscuit in half, and placed both of the sausage patties inside, making himself a breakfast sandwich. He ate at it slowly, the dryness of the biscuit being overlapped by the juiciness of the sausage patties. Once finished with that, he peeled back the foil of the yogurt container, and used the plastic spoon to stir the contents. When Ivan was satisfied with the consistency, he ate a small spoonful. He continued his slow eating pace, and by the time he had finished eating, Cameron was gathering the other patients to go back to the unit.
Ivan reluctantly stood up and went to throw away his trash, placing the tray, plate, and utensils in specified bins. He took his place at the back of the line and followed the patients back to the unit. While passing through the courtyard, he couldn’t help but glance at the secluded swing, wishing he could hide from the world.
Once back in the unit, Ivan once more placed himself in the corner, occupying himself with the same puzzle from the day before. He sat on one foot, while his other leg was pulled towards his chest, his cheek resting on his knee. He was so focused on the details of the puzzle pieces, trying to place each one in the correct spot to complete the picture, a cabin beside a pond, that he didn’t hear his name being called.
“Ivan!”
The firm voice of Thomas made Ivan turn his head, looking up at the tired man with a slightly annoyed expression.
“You have a visitor.”
Ivan slowly stood up and followed Thomas out of the unit, his heart racing. Who was visiting him? Could Andrew have heard about what happened, realized that they need each other, and come to see him?
Thomas led Ivan out of the unit, and Ivan immediately saw his visitor waiting at a desk just to the right. She was handing a tote bag to the woman behind the desk, her messy reddish-brown bun bobbing as she talked, her voice warm and familiar.
“-pants, some sweaters, and a couple books- Ivan!”
The woman turned her head, and rushed to him. His mother brought her hands up to hold his face, her brows furrowed in noticeable concern despite the gentle smile on her lips. She pulled him down, gently kissing his cheek.
“Are you alright my sweet boy?”
His mother asked, her voice laced with all the worry of a mother. Ivan grunted, grabbing her wrists and carefully pulling them away from his face.
“‘M fine, ma.”
He felt a twinge of disappointment that it wasn’t Andrew, wishing he could see the man once more, if only once more. But he couldn’t deny the warm feeling he felt at seeing his mother. The woman behind the desk, however, interrupted his moment of softness.
“Visitors are allowed to be with patients either in the courtyard or the sitting room over there.”
The women pointed towards a room down the hall, where several couches and chairs could be seen through a glass door. Ivan’s mother nodded in acknowledgment, while Ivan glared at the desk lady from the shadow of his visor.
“Where would you like to go, Ivan?”
His mother asked, bringing her hands down to her side. Ivan knew immediately where he wanted to go as soon as the woman at the desk mentioned it.
“The courtyard.”
He led her in the direction of the courtyard, and once outside, he made a beeline for the swinging bench. Ivan sat down with a sigh, leaning against the back rest and watching the leaves sway in the light breeze.
“It’s pretty over here; quite peaceful.”
His mother commented as she sat down beside him, looking around at the green space.
“Reminds me of when you were younger and would sit outside to write your poetry.”
Ivan nodded, a slight upwards twitch to his lips, closing his eyes and letting himself relax. His mother rested a hand on his arm, giving him a worried look.
“Are you sure you’re alright?”
“I’m sure, mom.”
She sighed, looking off once more at the space around them.
“I just about had a heart attack when the police showed up at my house, asking if I was your mother.”
Ivan perked up slightly. Maybe that officer really had kept his promise.
“What all did they say?”
“He told me that he had received a call from your apartment, that someone had found you about to jump off the roof.”
“Did he give you dad’s axe?”
A soft sigh escaped from his mother’s lips.
“Yes, he did. I’m not sure why you insist on keeping it though.”
Ivan didn’t respond, only opening his non lazy eye to stare up at the leaves again. After a moment of silence, his mother sighed again.
“I love you Ivan. I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you. It’s already hard enough without your dad.”
Ivan felt his throat tighten. He hadn’t thought about how his mother when he planned on ending it all. How grief stricken would she have been?
“I’m worried about you, Ivan. I want you to be safe.”
She would have been alone, her husband and only son nothing more than figments of memory and pictures on a wall.
“I think it might be better if you moved back in with me.”
What? Ivan turned to look at his mother, dumbstruck. Is she serious?
“Wha- mom! I’m an adult! I know how to take care of myself.”
Ivan tried to reassure his mom. He didn’t need her watching over him like he was still a child!
“I know you’re an adult, Ivan. I’m not saying you need to move back in with me because you can’t handle yourself. I’m saying that because as your mother I’m worried about your safety.”
She started rubbing his arm in gentle, up and down motions.
“I’ll be fine, mom. You don’t need to worry about me once I leave this place.”
“But I’m going to worry!”
His mother’s voice cracked.
“Please, Ivan. Let me take care of you for a bit, help you get back on your feet.”
Ivan stayed silent.
“I won’t make you pay rent. You don’t have to stay forever, but please stay, at least until you’re back on your own two feet.”
Ivan closed his one opened eye. He knew his mother would only keep pestering him, and even once back in his apartment, she would check up on him daily, maybe even try to live with him.
But did he really want to go back to that apartment? That dark, cold apartment where bitter memories were the only sound that filled his ears?
After a few minutes, Ivan sighed, and finally answered.
“Fine.”