Chapter Text
Kei has always been a pretty secretive person. Maybe not secretive really, more like reserved. He just didn't like everyone knowing his business.
When Yamaguchi comes back in the main living room with tea, Kei is still staring at their shoes. There isn't much of a difference really, Kei's feet are just abnormally long. Yamaguchi is still a pretty big guy, Kei just so happens to be taller. For some reason though, these shoes spark something in Kei. A realization that doesn't feel much like a realization.
Maybe it's something he's known all along, he just kept it locked up like basically every emotion humans tend to feel. Kei has always been good at keeping his secret emotions a secret. Like trust and compassion and love, but he feels like this particular secret emotion will be hard to deal with past today. There will be tells and Yamaguchi will figure it out.
It's like ripping off a band-aid, Kei chants to himself.
Kei's, admittedly, has never done this. He decides to learn from other’s mistakes. What was off putting to he got this treatment from others? (Besides the people themselves, obviously.)
Kei decides to start casual, if he makes it dramatic from the start, he might scare him off. So he walks over to the couch on shaky legs, watches Yamaguchi eye him as he sips his tea.
“What's the matter, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi sets his mug on a coaster, puts his hands beside him.
“I have something...to tell you.” Kei plays his hands some more, pulling his index finger enough to make it pop. “And it may affect the status of our relationship.”
Yamaguchi just stares, mouth wide like a fish. His eyes are kind of glossy like one too.
“Can I uh...” Kei clears his throat, shuffling a little closer to Yamaguchi on the couch. “Can I write it?”
“Uh..sure Tsukki?” His answer comes out more of a question, he takes his hands from beside him to in his own lap. Kei feels himself frown.
Taking a pen from Kenma’s art mug and the sketchbook Kenma uses (Kei hopes and prays Kenma won't get upset with him using this), Kei begins to write his note with shaky hands.
It shouldn't be this hard, Kei knows, to write his feelings on this sketchbook. It's not like his feelings will be rejected, Yamaguchi will more than likely be ecstatic. But something inside of Kei still feels nervous about writing this extremely sappy note to Yamaguchi, like he's a grade school kid with a crush.
Kei finishes the note, takes a deep breath, and closed the lid on the pen. Yamaguchi is shaking, wearing that face that he wore the first time they met formally. Kei rips out the note, folds it in half, and slides it over the coffee table to sit in front of Yamaguchi.
Yamaguchi picks it up like it holds his fate, and unfolds the note so slowly Kei is starting to get nervous. Yamaguchi closes his eyes, takes a big intake of air, and looks at it with determination.
~~~
Dear Yamaguchi,
This may come out very awkwardly, but I really like you. I have been rude and disrespectful towards you, but I really do like you. (Romantically) Please consider accepting my feelings.
-Kei
~~~
Kei can almost pinpoint the exact second Yamaguchi realizes what's written on the paper, he looks up from the paper, meets Kei's eyes, and quickly looks back down. He's frantic and panicked, Kei can tell. It probably was sudden, the entire note. Kei feels a little taken aback from it as well, and he's the author of this note.
“Please tell me you're not joking.” It's almost a whisper, like a prayer he's sending to the paper. “Tsukki..” Kei quickly realizes Yamaguchi might think that it's so sudden, it might not be possible, or maybe even a joke.
“I'm not joking, I just...I didn't want to say it out loud.” Kei looks all the way to the window behind him to see the far window, making the whole front of his body almost invisible to Yamaguchi. He hears him snicker.
“Ok, Tsukki. I'll accept your feelings.” Kei feels his head whip around on it's own accord, so fast he feels a muscle spasm. He ignores it. “On one condition.”
“Conditions? This isn't Let's Make A Deal , Yamaguchi.” Kei smirks and Yamaguchi points at him, jabbing a finger in his chest.
“I want you to say you like me, out loud. And I want to record it on my phone.” Yamaguchi smiles triumphantly, taking his finger off Kei's chest and pulling back. His chest is puffed and he's doing a classic “victory” stance.
“That's ludicrous. You have the note what other physical proof do you need?” Kei scoffs and Yamaguchi huffs.
“I guess I could rip up the note...” This wouldn't get to Kei had Yamaguchi not said it in the saddest voice Kei thinks he's ever heard. He swallows his pride and agrees.
“Yay! I knew you'd come around Tsukki.” Yamaguchi pulls his phone out and gets out the recording app, Kei gets ready to record an intimate thought.
“Ok I'll count to three and you'll say it, got it Tsukki?” Yamaguchi, gives a thumbs up, Kei gives a half hearted one in return.
And thus, on Yamaguchi's count and command Kei confesses to someone with words for the first time in his life.
“Yamaguchi Tadashi, I like you. Pl-please accept my feelings.” He grits out, Kei really doesn't want to stutter, he does anyways. Yamaguchi clicks off the recorder, and shoots Kei a grin that will probably be ingrained in his eyelids for all eternity. Kei feels more than ok with that.
“That was great, Tsukki. You should be one of those voice actors for yaoi.” Yamaguchi jokes, Kei feels his face heat up.
“Shut up Yamaguchi.”
~~~
Something Kei had not accounted for when he confessed to Yamaguchi was that they'd have to negotiate the terms and conditions. The fine print of his confession.
Confessing didn't automatically mean they were dating, at least not to Kei. Yamaguchi wasn't acting any different either, (although Kei was receiving a text for almost every breath Yamaguchi took, which wasn't a problem per say. Just not something he could really reciprocate.) so Kei assumed he was in the clear. He was going to have time to think and cultivate the proper way to ask Yamaguchi.
Kenma eventually came back from his mom’s house, and things lapsed into a realm of normalcy. Kuroo made food for three instead of moping around and making Kei live off burnt toast and cup noodles. Kenma went back to doing...whatever it is Kenma does. If Kei’s honest Kenma’s presence isn't something he notices, he’s like a house cat at times.
As the three men sit around the small breakfast bar, eating waffles and talking about random news articles and what the Saturday will bring, Kuroo asks if Kei’s boyfriend will be coming over.
“I told you, he's not my boyfriend.” Kei dismisses Kuroo’s claims. Sipping his morning tea he finds this dismissal becomes less of a snap everyday. He hopes he never wished for Yamaguchi to be his boyfriend, that would mean he wanted it and hadn't asked. He's trying to be better about that.
“Really? Because I found your little note.” Kenma gives a little smile as he sips his tea, obviously pleased with himself. Kuroo laughs and looks at Kenma, the light back in his eyes. Kei feels a tad like that sometimes, he feels like he gets closer to understanding this feeling everyday.
~~~
To: Yamaguchi
Subject: [No Subject Line]
You better pick this shit up. \
From: Yamaguchi
Subject: you didnt do a subject line :(
I dont know that you mean by that Tsukki? Half of your closet is at my house.
To: Yamaguchi
Subject:Re: you didnt do a subject line :(
I know that, and I regret letting you have any of my clothes everyday. Anyways I mean my letter
From: Yamaguchi
Subject:Re: you didnt do a subject line :(
You're totally not a confession confession? I have nowhere to put it :( if only had a skinny, tall, glasses wearing boy to help me buy a corkboard :((((
To: Yamaguchi
Subject:Re: you didnt do a subject line :(
Oh my fucking god
~~~
Kei really didn't like shopping, it wasn't anything that interested him. In the world of technology and home delivery, what was the point in going out anywhere to buy literally anything. Yamaguchi had told him that mindset was going to make him a shut-in, and that it was that kind of attitude that was destroying “the integrity of the physical shopping experience”. So here he was, sitting in an office supply store trying to shoot rubber bands into Yamaguchi’s hood.
“Tsukki, if you could pretty please stop trying to shoot rubber bands at me in a public place I would much appreciate it.”
“This is the integrity of the physical shopping experience though, Yamaguchi.” Kei articulates his point by shooting one at Yamaguchi’s ass, Yamaguchi gives him a death glare.
“You’re going to get kicked out for making a mess, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi scolds, looking at some gold markers. He has his cork board/white board combination, he now insists they get nice things to decorate it with.
“Yamaguchi, can you throw me that sharpie?” Kei points to the sharpie package beside the markers he’s looking at.
“Sure Tsukki, why-” Yamaguchi tosses them over, his sentence stops short when Kei side steps the sharpie package and lets it land on the floor.
“You’re now an accomplice.” Kei shoots a rubber band that lightly bounces off the side of Yamaguchi's head and into his hood.
~~~
They do not end up getting kicked out, but they are glared at very heavily when the teenager working there saw the aftermath of thier rubber band war. Yamaguchi had found it very amusing when the same teenager rang them up and told them “You know they don’t clean themselves up right?”
Now Kei finds himself in a position that hasn't happened to him in quite a while; in Yamaguchi’s presence while he is not speaking.
Kei continues to walk, his hands laced with Yamaguchi’s as they walk by a TJ Maxx. Yamaguchi stops right in front of the door, so close that the door opens for him, and tugs at Kei’s arm.
“Tsukki, you like me right?”
“That is what my letter said, yes.” Kei turns around, his face feels neutral, he doesn't know if that will make Yamaguchi nervous.
“So we’re dating right?” Yamaguchi looks at the ground, the door closes from inactivity.
“If you want to.” It’s far from the ideal way to agree with Yamaguchi to be official, but Kei is more focused on trying to move Yamaguchi out for the center of the door. Kei sees a middle aged women approach them.
“Alright,” Yamaguchi begins to walk as the middle aged women is in earshot, scampering off with Kei. “but that’s like a definite right?”
“Yes, Yamaguchi. I’m very sure of how much I like you.” Kei rolls his eyes, Yamaguchi stops in front of a bench.
“How much?”
“I’m not sure how to articulate that.” Kei raises an eyebrow, Yamaguchi looks determined to explain whatever it is he needs to.
“With your arms.” Yamaguchi lets go of Kei’s hands, and hold his arms out all the way, to demonstrate.
“So that’s how much you like me?” Kei says with a teasing tone, Yamaguchi’s cheeks fill with air.
“As much as my arms can reach.”
Kei sticks his arms all the way out, “oh, would you look at that. It seems I like you more.”
Yamaguchi gives a undignified squawk, “but Tsukki! That’s not fair!”
“That’s the rules Yamaguchi.” Kei says with an indifferent shrug of his shoulders, which must look ridiculous with his arms all the way out.
Yamaguchi runs up and tosses himself into Kei’s chest, taking most of the air out of it. Kei grabs Yamaguchi’s puffy coat by reflex, locked in an embrace with him in the middle of the sidewalk.
They don't let go for a while.
~~~
It’s been two weeks and Kei knows the fact they haven't kissed gets on Yamaguchi’s nerves.
If you’d like to be technical, they have theoretically kissed, but Kei was smashed and in all likelihood Yamaguchi was too. It hardly counts.
The carefully devised plan is to take place around Christmas, which happens to be in about a week. Kei begins the execution of his plan on an unsuspecting Saturday.
Inviting Yamaguchi over, check . Making sure the ingredients are in place, check . Making sure Kuroo doesn't fuck this up, Kei side eyes Kuroo and Kenma’s bedroom where he is supposedly sleeping, maybe check .
The knock on the door frightens Kei out of his mental checklist, he was just getting to “make sure a fire does not ruin this”, and he snatches the plant off the coffee table before robotically walking to the door.
“Tsukki, hello.” Yamaguchi takes his shoes off, before trying to walk past Kei and being stopped.
“I uh...” Kei averts his eyes, his collar feels too stiff around his throat “wanted to show you something”
“Oh, what is it?” Yamaguchi tries to look around Kei, probably looking for something unusual. After Yamaguchi finds nothing suspicious, he looks back at Kei.
“Just...ah,” Kei decides action will yield the best results, before holding the mistletoe over his head.
“Tsukki...” Yamaguchi looks up at the plant with weird, glassy eyes. Kei feels entirely too embarrassed, but there’s no way can't take this back.
“Uh...” His mouth supplies, usual quick witted nature leaving when he most needs it.
“That’s so lame.” Yamaguchi barely holds back his snickers, Kei huffs before dipping in to plant a kiss on Yamaguchi’s lips.
It’s quick, it’s meek, and it’s so light Kei can’t really consider it a true first kiss. But suddenly Yamaguchi’s hands find Kei’s shoulders, leaning in until they were breathing on each other's lips. Kei feels the shivers on his spine before he feels the pressure on his lips from Yamaguchi's revised kiss.
Yamaguchi is smiling into it, his hands clasped behind Kei's neck, obviously enjoying it. Kei presses a bit harder, tugging harder at Yamaguchi's sweater, he recognizes it as the one he straight up stole from Kei a couple days ago, he frowns a little bit. Yamaguchi laughs.
“Are you seriously cranky because this is yours?” Yamaguchi knocks his forehead with Kei’s, still laughing. Suddenly it’s not only Yamaguchi’s laughter that fills the room, the loud donkey cackle of Rooster Head breaks the silence, and by extension, the moment.
“Kuroo, put the camera down.” Kei says with more exhaustion than anything, Kuroo howls more.
“This is priceless.” Kuroo wipes at tears of mirth, the shaking phone still pointed at Kei.
“You will have no eyebrows, and no phone, if that isn't deleted in two seconds.” Kei threatens, before the video is cut off. Kuroo is still shaking with laughter, even in the face of Kei’s glare.
“Can I have that?” Yamaguchi says, running up to watch the video of their first kiss. Yamaguchi tells Kei they looks cute, and Kei can't really argue anymore.
~~~
Kei finds himself mulling over the incidents that have happened over the last few months. The day he found Yamaguchi in his room and blew him off almost feels like a distant memory. Like a dream, warm and fuzzy around the ends. A burning photograph of a person he no longer was and never wants to be.
Kageyama (the bastard) was (for once) right about something, people don’t change you, and you shouldn't change for people. You should change because it will better your life, and make you feel better by result.
Bokuto (the idiot) was (for maybe the third time) right about something, feelings shouldn't be bottled away, they should be dealt with, face first. Your partner would appreciate it, he had said, and Kei thinks he has a long way to go on that. He’s trying.
Kei wonders a lot why Yamaguchi never gave up on him, why he stayed and persisted. Through tears and terrible words snapped as his face, he stayed. A persistent pillar in his life, that bugged and annoyed him by standing firm in his actions. Yamaguchi Tadashi was a constant force to be reckoned with, always pushing and pulling. Kei didn't realize for a long time he had been doing the same.
Kei meets Yamaguchi’s ginormous family more, is introduced as “Tsukki, my boyfriend”, and all of Yamaguchi’s family welcomes him with opens arms. He tries again with the idea of getting along with family, including trying to call his brother and having conversations with him. Yamaguchi is eventually introduced, Kei’s mother and brother both call him “Tadashi” soon after. Tadashi asks him to do the same that night.
Kei get’s into his engineering program, even if he was trying to get into a less popular major, Tadashi throws a party for him. There is cake and streamers and loud cheering, all the overzealous things Kei would usually hate about parties, especially when directed at him. When he enters his apartment the night of however, everyone surprises him and Hinata makes him wear a party hat, he feels warm inside. The type of warness he would have bottled away several months ago. When he looks back on the memory, even the next morning, he feels himself warm again. The edges of the memory are golden and the scene itself is given a radiant hue.
It’s nearing the beginning of the next school year, when Kei suggests they move in together, they’re watching Ponyo and Tadashi had just gotten his class assignment for his transfer to Kei’s school. He says he knows it’s very soon, and that they haven't even been dating for a year, but yah know the rent will be cheaper and he doesn't want him to be rooming with a creep. It takes the amount of time for Tadashi to get over his shock to throw himself at Kei on the couch, a chorus of “yes! Are you kidding?! I’d love to!”. Kei tries to act like this isn't a big deal, but Tadashi is persistent that it’s “a huge deal”.
It is nearing Kei’s birthday when the last box to thier apartment is unpacked. It has all of Tadashi’s old notebooks from community college, and Kei thumbs through his introductory algebra notes finding the doodles and passed notes funny. He stops on a page close to the end of the book, with something that looks distinctly like a letter taking up the page in Tadashi’s loopy handwriting.
Dear Golden Boy,
I don’t know if I can ever give this to you. I find it hard to articulate my feelings into words on paper, I’m more of a ‘feel it and say it’ type person now. Hinata says you’re mean and scary, but I’m 99% sure it’s some sort of act. How can anyone be mean and scary when they have such pretty eyes? Such nice cheekbones? Such fluffy hair?
I know I must sound superficial, like all I care about is your looks. You must get that a lot. But actually I’ve heard more about you, you answer Hinata’s phone calls at odd hours, and you try and help Kageyama with chemistry, and you have a smart tongue.
I guess I’ll always admire you from afar? Maybe I’ll bulk up the nerve to talk to you, or maybe give you this letter. Or maybe this will always be a one-sided affair, where I ask Hinata everyday about you. Until you’re like married or something.
It would be beyond incredible if gangly, freckle faced, awkward me could come up to you. Ha! Maybe one day.
Tadashi
Kei finds himself feeling an overwhelming amount of emotion in the undelivered letter. Like he could read it everyday and feel this emotion. He rips it carefully out of the old notebook, and pins it on the corkboard in their bedroom.
~~~
In two years, Kei will muster up all his courage to give Tadashi his letter at thier college graduation, taking up a page in his own straightforward handwriting.
Dear Everything I Could Ever Want,
I’m also not very good at articulating my emotions. I’d like to think I’ve gotten better over the last couple of years with you by my side. I’m not a person that has enough courage to say my true feelings, covering up them up with dry humor and sarcasm.
Your ability to try harder and harder when faced with tough situations is encouraging, noble even. I love you, Tadashi.
I am not a good person, I am a salty individual who will never have the talent or natural drive to achieve greatness on my own. You, Tadashi, help me achieve greatness everyday.
Thank you for being the stars to my moon.
Tsukki