Chapter Text
DC, Café, 12:03 PM
“So… Anyone else notice some being off?” JJ started hesitantly, fingers curling around the warm paper cup in front of her as she carefully searched her co-workers’ faces to see if they had noticed it too.
The three off them sat at a table at a café on break together. Which also means away from the rest of the time and enough space to talk without constantly looking over your shoulder.
“Oh my god, thank you, I was waiting for someone to say something. What’s up with ’em?” Emily replied immediately, leaning forward over the table.
“You guys noticed it too?” Morgan added, brows pulling together.
“Good to know I’m not delusional,” JJ muttered with a relieved huff.
“He’s been so… tired and…” Emily trailed off, stirring her drink absently.
“Irritated?” Morgan finished for her.
"Yeah, he snaps so quickly" She confirmed.
"Yeah, I noticed that. I just hope he's not using again," Morgan started "he's been covering his elbows too"
“What? Wait, who are you talking about?” Emily questioned, blinking.
“Uh… Reid?” Morgan replied, sounding confused.
“Oh, I thought we were talking about Hotch.”
“Well actually, I was talking about them both,” JJ admitted quietly. “They’re both annoyed lately, they snap way too easily, they keep sighing all the time, and they disappear together for sometimes forty minutes.”
Morgan frowned harder at that. “Together?”
JJ shrugged slightly. “Not always. But enough that I noticed.”
"Okay, yeah, that is really odd. I mean, I noticed Reid but now that you mention Hotch" Morgan added.
"You said Reid's covering his elbows?" Emily asked.
“Yeah, but it might not be on purpose. I don’t wanna assume or accuse him,” he replied quickly, guilt already creeping into his tone.
“You don’t think he’s actually… using again, right?” JJ questioned softly before taking a sip of her coffee.
Morgan sighed heavily before speaking again. “I don’t, JJ. I really don’t. But he’s irritated, he’s been snapping easily, he’s not as focused, he was late this morning and ignored me when I asked about it, and then he was in Hotch’s office for like ten or fifteen minutes.” He paused. “I mean… what does that look like?”
Silence fell over them as they thought about it. Because Morgan wasn’t wrong.
They knew the signs of withdrawal and addiction. They had all seen it before, seen Reid at his worst, seen the hollow exhaustion in his eyes and the shaking in his hands.
But Reid had been clean for years.
What could have happened to cause him to relapse?
He hadn’t said anything about struggling or about wanting to use again. But then again, this was Reid, and if Reid was suffering he usually buried it under work, statistics, and
Silence fell over them as the thought for some seconds. Because it is true what Morgan said. They know the signs of withdrawel and addiction. But Reid's been clean for years, what could've happened to cause him to relapse? He hasn't said anything about struggling or a problem he has. But then again, this is Reid, and if Reid's suffering he won't say anything. He didn't say anything when he was struggling before, he wouldn't say anything if he was struggling now.
"Do you think... Hotch knows?" Emily started "Since he was in his office for a while when he was late and Hotch has been off too"
"It's a solid theory, but if Hotch knows, why isn't he saying or doing anything?" Morgan replied.
"He could be doing it silenty to avoid getting Reid in trouble? Drugs aren't exactly legal and I doubt the FBI wants an addict working here" JJ replied.
"And we're not exactly anyone to judge Hotch for not doing anything you know" Emily added.
Quantico, BAU, Hotch's office
"Excuse me!?" He exclaimed after pausing, sounding baffled.
"Spe- Reid, calm dow-" He started but Reid caught him off.
"No! You call me in here and jus start accusing me of that when i've struggled so hard to stop, and you think i'd start again!? Am I not allowed to be a bit emotional or stressed with shooting up!? YES, i've been "odd" for the past week or so, Aaron, so have you!"
"Reid. Stop." He tried to sound stern.
"Why? Because you know i'm right? Because what I said about you being off is true?"
"Irritation, tiredness, hard time focussing, snapping easily,"
"Aaron-" He tried to cut in but to no avail.
"skin irritation on inner elbows, throwing up, sweating, chills,"
"Oh, you google-" He tried to cut in again but Aaron just started talking louder and took a few steps forward.
"sleep disturbance, yawning, anxiety,"
"googled "heroin withdrawel symptons in your free-time-" He was cut off again.
"You've been only wearing sleeved under your elbows, you pick and scratch at your skin, you're neglecting taking responsibility, you make up excuses that make no signs, you were late this morning to work and you're displaying all symptoms I just listed, I think I have plenty reason to believe you're using again"
Silence filled the office for a second that sudenly felt way too small too Reid.
"...So did you get that from wikipedia or..." He trailed off.
"No, i'm a profiler, i'm trained to notice things in behavior" Hotch replied.
Reid sighed and thought for a second before speaking again "I'm not... I... used... once," he paused "twice..." He said strained, tone dripping with shame and guilt.
"Does that include this morning?” he questioned quietly.
“I haven’t used today.” Reid rubbed at his arm anxiously beneath the fabric of his sweater. “I thought about it,” he admitted in a smaller voice. “But I didn’t.”
“You haven’t yet?” Hotch retorted before he could stop himself, accusation slipping back into his tone out of fear more than anger.
“I won’t,” Reid snapped back instantly.
Silence fell over them again. Long and uncomfortable.
"What happened?" Hotch asked, not stern or accusing anymore.
Reid stayed quiet for a moment, refusing to look at him. And this time it wasn’t just discomfort with eye contact by neurological cause. His eyes stayed fixed on the floor like he couldn’t bear what he’d see on Aaron’s face if he looked up.
“I was thinking a lot about you…” he admitted quietly.
That made Aaron’s chest tighten immediately.
“About Haley and Jack,” Reid continued carefully. “And that reminded me of my father and everything that happened with my parents, and then I kept thinking about what would happen if Haley found out about us.” His breathing hitched slightly. “Which she will eventually. And then Strauss finding out, and you getting in trouble, and me getting fired, and not being able to pay for my mother’s care-”
He stopped himself abruptly, pressing his lips together before the rambling could spiral further.
“Everything was stressing me out and I just wanted everything, my brain, to stop.”
Aaron watched him quietly.
Reid still wouldn’t look at him.
“…And one spiral was enough to get you to call your old dealer, meet up, buy drugs, and stick a needle in your vein?” Aaron asked harshly, though the anger sounded thinner now. More afraid than furious.
“It wasn’t one spiral,” Reid shot back immediately, finally looking at him. His eyes were glassy with exhaustion. “It was every day. Every single day.” His voice cracked. “So yeah, maybe I am weak because I couldn’t handle some guilt and stress without shooting up-”
“I wasn’t saying you’re weak,” Hotch interrupted firmly.
Reid laughed humorlessly under his breath, shoulders tense.
It sounded like it.
Aaron’s expression softened despite himself at the look on Reid’s face. Guilty and ashamed. Scared that Aaron was looking at him differently now.
And maybe worse than that, terrified that Aaron would stop looking at him with affection at all.
“Spencer,” Aaron said more quietly this time.
The use of his first name immediately took some of the fight out of Spencer's posture.
Aaron noticed the way Spencer's fingers trembled slightly where they were curled against his sleeves, hiding the marks on his arms like they were something shameful.
Instinctively, Aaron stepped closer again, slower this time, giving Reid every chance to move away.
He didn’t.
“You should’ve told me,” Aaron said softly.
Reid’s eyes finally lifted to his for a brief second before dropping again. “I didn’t want you to look at me like this.”
“Like what?”
“Like I’m a problem.”