Chapter Text
Jack woke, slowly becoming aware of the fact that he was in a familiar place from a perspective he wasn't wholly unused to. He had had his fill of being on this side of treatment, but waking up without the immediate recollection of what brought him here unnerved him.
Easy, slow down, assess. Eyes still closed, he took a slow breath. He was aware of steady beeping, could feel the crinkle of gauze and tape on his forearm and in the crook of an elbow, patient bracelet, nasal cannula, BP cuff cycling, and sat monitor on a finger.
Taking his surroundings in wasn’t taking too much effort but finding the conclusions they should have brought him to was proving more difficult. He felt cloudy, groggy from whatever medications he was given and condition he was recovering from. Snippets of memory from... Today? Yesterday? were making their way back to him. Humiliation and fear were tangible but there wasn’t anything yet to solidify why exactly. Something had shaken him.
He could hear hustle and bustle outside his room. Curtained off, not a room? Stable. Being discharged? Monitoring but no lines in for current or immediate access, and not a private room.
Ready to rip the bandaid off, he opened his eyes blearily and tried to give a cautious full body stretch, holding his breath. God just sore. It felt like he was back in his 20s after a week or two in the field when he remembered what it was like to feel that kind of full body sore that came from applying his skill and strength in what he had learned and made his expertise.
Ignoring the obvious of the walls surrounding him he took this in stride as the best outcome. Alright, hit by a truck maybe, but no casts, nothing being immobilized, no scrapes? Head injury? He reached up felt for facial injuries, then palpated front to back. No lacerations, no hematomas. The clock on the wall read 6:15, he felt for his cheek, trying to gauge if his stubble could tell him AM or PM. Doesn’t make a difference, I don’t know what day it is.
His bracelet read PMTC. Someone would certainly be checking on him soon, surprised he had already had this much time to himself. He had to roll his eyes when a cow and rolling stool caught his attention in the corner, gotcha. Glancing at his stable vitals he reached up to silence the alarms before removing his BP cuff and sat monitor from his finger, leaving the nasal cannula in place for now. Might need that crutch.
Jack shifted his body to sit up straight and kick his legs to hang off the edge of the bed, having to close his eyes and grip the railing against the sudden wave of vertigo. Great, definitely a fall waiting to happen. Snorting at himself when he glanced at the highlighter yellow FALL RISK band on his left wrist that had escaped his notice. At least they had given him the dignity of not restraining him against their best interests.
There was no way he would be able to stabilize himself on a rolling stool in this condition. The cow was almost within arms length, if he could stand on his good leg he could reach out and drag it over. Quick and easy, no big deal. What is it Shen says? I’m about to lock on. Slowly he slid from the edge, keeping his balance on his left leg, holding the gurney railing with his right arm and reaching out. His fingers swiped out only grazing the handle of the desktop closest him. Huffing he reached out again stretching as much as he could while still mostly leaning against the bed. He successfully secured his middle and pointer finger around the handle before getting a better grip and dragging the whole device over smoothly to his bedside. Huffing he scooted back to sitting before logging in under J.abbot.
Two turkey sandwiches sat purposefully on the desktop. Good a reward for all my work around here. He typed one handed and ate them in quick succession while finding his chart.
Ill plead hospital induced psychosis to Gloria later when privacy comes after me. His chart pulled up flagged. Awaiting psych consult and discharge. Wait, that’s an error, but... signed Dr. Robinavitch as primary and Dr. Shen as the secondary. Sedated for optimized recovery and pain management as well as precautionary to not endanger his own well-being. Weight heavy and sudden settled in his gut. He swallowed uncomfortably around his last bite.
Flipping through the notes he scanned quickly, pieces of the incident coming back to him as he read on. The notes went on to clarify that he was a documented veteran and the collapse and flashback he had suffered was believed and stated by him to be triggered by pain exacerbation, not any external trigger or incident. This sat much better with him rather than the alternative of him having had a full breakdown with so little recollection or reason. This would take work but could be managed.
“Jesus, I was gone for 10 minutes, can you please lay down.”
Startled from his justified snooping Jack tried to feign only sheepishness. “Yes ma’am,” He sighed, locking the computer and pushing it back to the corner, “only if you come scoot up on here with me for a few minutes.” Samira helped Jack adjust slowly and commented under her breath about his lack of vitals being displayed.
“How are you feeling? You’re getting discharged so we can go to your house and rest, but I'm sure you caught yourself up on that.” She snuck a hand up to brush moisture out of her eyes. “I haven't seen you like that before, I was scared for you but I'm happy to see you awake again. Are you comfortable?”
He hummed before answering. “I think I mostly remember what happened. Sedated huh? Definitely not my best look. I feel like I was hit by a truck-” Samira glanced sharply at him and moved to get up, before he secured his hold around her, “-no no, I mean I’m very sore but manageable.” She stiffened but remained in his hold. “And I also think the five star meal has given me a new perspective on life.” He tried to tack on humor only to fall flat.
Turning to hold his gaze she replied concerned, “Jack you aren’t meant to take yourself to the edge of what you can bear this is what got you here.”
Jack broke the eye contact to look at his bracelet tucked in her lap from having his arms around her. “Yeah I think that’s something I’m going to be working on, I’m not used to having it effect people other than me, it hasn’t been that way for a long time.”
“We don’t have to talk about it all today or even tomorrow, I know you’re exhausted, and you still have to talk to psych briefly before we go. But as much as I appreciate you being concerned about my feelings, you know this isn’t about me right? It effects me and us, but the person your pain effects the most is you and what makes me angry and hurt and sad is that YOU were hurting. Can you see that you need to take care of yourself for you and why?”
Jack was silent for a minute. “You know I’m very particular about my pain management and taking care of my leg, I've had a lot of practice. I guess when things started to go sideways I lost track of it all. I've had to be strong through some horrific stuff in my life, including bad pain days. I didn’t know how far it was going until it was too late. And at that point there was no other option except to try to turn off my brain and muscle through it...and obviously I couldn't. I’m sorry you had to see that.”
Samira kissed his temple, “Jack I don’t want you to be sorry, I just want you to be okay and if something like that starts to happen know that you can stop and ask for help, right?”
“It makes sense logically, especially as a doctor and helping buddies and needing help in the past. I just think in practice when it gets to the point of truly needing help it can feel embarrassing or that at that point I need to be a man about it even if I know better. Something to work on now that I've had such a persuasive reminder.” Jack leaned back on the gurney more and let his eyes rest. “Thanks for sticking around.”
“Well that’s another thing we’ll be talking about later, trying to give me the boot in the middle of all that? If you're trying to find a reason to break up with me you can just say so, I don’t think anyone’s ever gone that far before. I feel like I should be embarrassed.” Samira rolled her eyes and gave a crooked smile.
Jack snorted and gave a full belly laugh. “That did really scare me Samira and I would like to make sure you’re okay. I’m glad we can find some humor for right now, I could use it.”
Taking one of her hands lightly and pressing his lips there, “But Dr. Mohan if I don’t try to marry you have my full permission to take my up to the 7th floor for a psych eval and hold.” Warmth and surprise bloomed in Samira’s chest, she gave Jack’s hand a light squeeze.
The humor broke for a moment while Samira tried to mask her shock and keep the lightheartedness they had found in play. The relationship had felt both easy and serious enough that neither of them had said anything explicitly moving towards marriage, but that not being where this took them one day felt deeply wrong. Jack eased back closing his eyes hands still around Samira.
Changing the subject, “So what’s the plan, is psych going to hold me hostage, or are they going to move me to B1 for the night?”
Pulling the curtain aside, “Oh if only we could be that lucky Doctor Abbot.”
Jack’s eyelids flicked open, “Doctor..”pretending to squint, “Rabinowitz is it?”
That pulled a smirk from Robby. “Missed head injury? You might here longer than anticipated. How’s it going Jack? Good to see you awake. I’m gonna check you out real quick then Caleb’s gonna come in and square you away. Me and Samira also talked about me tagging along to get you settled at your house.”
Jack’s mind reared for an excuse, “I don’t see why-”
Don’t worry, not a priority and we can talk about it after and see how you feel. You know how discharge goes. I’m sure you’re itching to go so lets do what we need to.” Robby moved on.
Jack cleared his throat and gave Samira’s hand a quick squeeze, “Samira could you get me some water and I'll see you in a few minutes?”
Being understanding to Jack’s need for privacy while it had been stripped of him all day, Samira gave him a warm smile, “Sure I'll be back after, anything else?”
“Can you bring back spare scrubs so I can get dressed?”
Samira motioned to a fixed chair near to the rolling stool, where an old duffel of his sat, “I ran to my place and got you some of your clean sweats. I figured that would be better.”
Jack still processing all the time he had lost looked a little surprised, “Oh that's great thanks honey, no that’s all, I'll see you in a few.”
While Samira stepped out Robby settled dragging the rolling stool over to get comfortable for a few minutes, and glanced at the monitors. “Can I hook you back up for some last vitals or would you be prefer I get a manual cuff?”
Jack gave an awkward laugh while Robby applied the monitors again. “So I really did a number huh?”
Robby gave firm eye contact before shaking his head and turning his attention to the computer before logging in, Jacks heart rate elevated slightly ringing out in the background to both of them.
“You’re stable to go home but it was hard to watch as a bystander and a friend. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, I really hope that’s the least of your concerns at the moment.” Jack nodded without a verbal response and Robby took his queue to continue on.
“Any chest pain, dizziness, shortness of breath?”
“None. Just some vertigo, but I sat up too quick and it settled.”
Robby clicked away, eyes on the screen, peeking back at Jack every few seconds.
“Pain from zero to ten and location?”
Jack stared at his lap and drummed his fingers against his left thigh before answering. “Probably a one or two, just generalized right now. Must’ve been bad because I know I was given the good stuff.”
Robby tried to study Jack’s face while he looked down and away from him. “You should be comfortable right now, but are you sure it’s only a one or two? Lets make sure you’re all set to leave and not run into issues on your way out or as soon as you get home.”
Jack faltered clearing his throat and glanced over at Robby before crossing his arms over his chest. “Yeah alright. Closer to a four or five. Just sore all over. Just give me a muscle relaxer? I’ll take it tonight. I don’t want to be junk having Samira with me trying to get from the car to the shower and couch.”
Robby huffed and gave an exasperated head shake. “Great a perfect opportunity for me to practice being gentle and firm, and for you to learn to accept help. You’re going to be junk either way, one will just be more painful. You’ve been being medicated for 12 hours. You’re going to be very unstable definitely for tonight and probably tomorrow. You need to take it considerably easier than you have in the last decade for at least the week.”
The heart rate monitor increased with Jacks frustration. Robby reached up to silence it before Jack could remove it so it was still being displayed.
Jack rubbed a palm into his right eye before combing his hand through his mopped curls. “Sure yeah yeah I got it. It’s really not bad now, nothing acute, and I’m sure I’m dosed up as is. I can make it home and settled. I’ll make sure I get all my doses right tonight and try to rest up more if you can believe it.” Jack closed his eyes and huffed out a breath frustrated.
He locked eyes with Robby and rushed out high and reedy, “Thank you. I’m not trying to be ungrateful. I just woke up, had no idea what was going on, what had happened. I’m groggy. I obviously have stuff to work on, but I feel thrown into it. Like the results need to happen this second, but I haven't gotten a second to myself. I feel exposed. And it's leaving me no time or energy to compartmentalize.”
Robby grabbed Jack’s shoulder when he turned away clearing his throat with wet sniffle. “You don't have to be grateful for anything. Pal I’d send you up to the seventh floor if you woke up skipping and singing. Do you think for today at least we can make a promise? Just today, I’d like to say tomorrow too but I won't push my luck.”
Jack’s emotions had calmed somewhat and he was listening trying to give what attention he had left to Robby.
“Whatever you’re asked, about pain or your needs. Be honest. Don’t say what you think would make it easier on someone else, or to not worry about you, or fluffing what you think you could manage. Just honesty, how much pain you’re in, what can be done to help you. I know the thought isn’t attractive to you but if you’re feeling like an invalid, then be one. The more rest you get the quicker you’re going to bounce back and you know it. Rest first, then building you back up. How’s that? I know its not what you want to hear or do but just release this tension and weight you’re carrying just for a bit okay? And honestly if you want to help us out, you not fighting us would be preferable if it helps you think of it that way. That and the fact that we want to help you Jack.”
Jack had little fight left in him. The gears were turning. “Yeah, I hear you. I think... It feels like that might be nice...I’ll try.”
Robby released Jack’s shoulder with a pat. “Good, good to hear, lets finish this up then. You’ll be asked the general orientation questions again by Caleb. But what do you remember last?”
“It's fuzzy but I think I remember what I need to, I'm still feeling a little groggy, maybe loopy. I remember trying to prepare myself for handoff, but I don't remember handoff. I remember the feeling of waking up in a trauma room...but not being there and being disoriented. Some of the memories mix with the ones... with other ones,” he corrected with a shake of his head. “I sort of remember being talked down. Not all of it but the jist and why I have to talk to psych.”
“We’ve obviously already talked to psych if you’re worried about that, nothing is going to affect your licensure, we’re just focused physically and mentally on you getting some rest.”
“Well, I also read my chart so I'm a bit groggy and still processing things, but I'm mostly caught up.”
“Wha- when did you have time to do that? I know Samira didn’t let you. You know what forget it. I don't know why that wasn’t my first question.” Robby threw his hands up exasperated but with an edge of comical acceptance.
“Not sure why I didn’t start with that actually.”
“Dr. Abbot, Dr. Robby, are we ready for a discharge?”
“Caleb,” Abbot tried not to squirm at the sudden uncomfortable attention. “Come on in I’m ready to get this show on the road.”
Robby stood to excuse himself.
“-Actually.” The room paused. “-I wouldn’t normally, but Mike, you were there. Would you mind staying just in case anything needs to be clarified?” Jack was trying to come off casual, but embarrassment colored his cheeks.
Robby plopped himself back down. “Sure thing. I’ll finish the discharge summary here and wrap up my other notes and if there’s anything I need to add I will.”
They went through the incident briskly. Jack looking increasingly wrung out with each question. Finally, they neared the end.
“Lastly, have you ever thought of killing yourself?”
Jack had been raw and vulnerable answering as appropriately and honestly as he could, imagining this screening only as an interview as a bystander to expedite it in his mind. He knew his job wasn’t in jeopardy, and Caleb and Robby were sworn to HIPPA and or friendship.
The question threw him off his game. “Y-” Caleb’s pen paused, Robby’s typing ceased.
“-Yeah- yeah no I haven’t.” Jack’s eyes burned a hole into Caleb’s clipboard. The room didn’t move as much as Jack willed it to. No psych patient needing immediate evaluation screaming in the hallway. No trauma desperately calling for more hands. Only Jack on a gurney willing to world to need attention anywhere but here on him.
Jack gave a false chuckle, bringing a hand to rub the back of his neck. “-Sorry I wasn’t- I’m not sure why that caught me off guard. I know the questions. I just thought about,” gesturing to the room, “the rest of it.” The silence stretched. “Yeah, I have in the past. But that’s not a positive screen.”
Caleb made sure Jack’s eyes met his. “No Dr. Abbot, it isn’t. It’s okay, these are important to be honest about. Let's continue.”
“Have you ever made a plan for killing yours-”
“-Aren’t the current ideations the most pertinent? These seem unnecessary, I currently screen negative for homicidal and suicidal intent.”
“Dr. Abbot, the purpose isn’t to make you relive any ill experiences; it’s only as a psych professional to be able to gauge if past history could contribute to you having possibly a higher risk to yourself now at this moment. Especially if you’re in a state of mind experiencing high stress or are unwell. I know you know this, and I'm sensitive to the fact that this may be difficult when you’re on the other side.”
“Jack we know you’re well, its precautionary and by the book,” Robby tried to ease Jack back into whatever calm he could.
Damp sweat broke out on Jack’s forehead. “I know the book, I could've written it myself with how many times I've had to use it. Which is more than it’s been used on me, if you want to write that down Caleb.”
Robby glanced at the monitors and murmured, “A few deep breaths alright?”
Jack paused realizing he was losing himself more than he had intended. He closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them he had a more pointed focus but his eyes were glazed with a settled exhaustion.
“I know you’re doing your job Caleb but at this point you’re being a paper pusher. I’m done answering the questions. You have no reason to keep me. I’m not going to harm myself, I have no plans to, and you know it. I have a therapist, and if you have real concerns, you can call him. That’s it. If for some reason you were to admit me against my will, then I’ll take you to the board.” Jack was coiled with tension, hair wild from having run his hands through it, despite this his posturing made him appear small and defensive.
The room stuttered to a halt waiting to see who would break the sudden tension.
Caleb rolled forward to Jack’s side. “Dr. Abbot thank you for your time. I believe you’re of sound mind and suggest you follow up with your therapist to discuss your more daily struggles. I look forward to seeing and working with you back in the ED when you return.” He reached up for a firm handshake. Jack’s palms more clammy than he would have liked. And with that Caleb excused himself.
Robby turned to Jack, “Wow so that was...one way to do that. Gonna have to jot down a few notes for my own use just in case. Not sure if I threatened a psychologist with the board if it would turn out the same way though. You must just have the charisma.”
Samira poked her head around the curtain, “Hey just checking in, I saw Caleb leave. Are we ready to start heading out?”
Jack looked between her and Robby, still surprised by himself and processing what had just happened. “Yeah I guess we are right?”
Robby checked his watch, “Yup pal been a long day. Alright Samira can you help him get dressed, I’m gonna hand off real quick and then we’re gonna get going.”
Jack made no comments about the understanding that they would be leaving as a trio. Too relieved to leave and too wrung out to argue.