Chapter Text
Three painful days later, Jack Abbot was losing his fucking mind.
He deserved every bit of her rage, and he knew it, but he was at a loss of how to prove her his intentions.
She, on her part, was no better. She felt kinda liberated for finally lashing out on him. She rationally thought she shouldn’t have done it. But she was tired, exhausted even. Cause she’s been bottled up for so long, trying to be mature, trying to do what the right thing. But she was so tired of it.
To be honest, she was tired in general. Her belly was growing and she was constantly uncomfortable. She decided to work until the very last minute, no point going into labour at home when she could already be at the hospital. So she was going to work, studying and trying to finish the article for publication; all the while attending the prepartum course, integrating some yoga, eating good and taking supplements. All the while trying to avoid Jack Abbot without actually avoiding him. She was determined to make him a part of their baby’s life and to make things work. She had no idea how, but she wanted her baby not to suffer from this situation. And she was trying to avoid Robby while actually trying to avoid him.
All the while growing said baby into her baby. So yeah, exhaustion was her constant companion.
She was actually trying to finish her residency with a couple of months to spare, just to stretch a little further her maternity leave.
She was still convinced that she could continue to push. She couldn’t. And she went to understand it in the worst way possible.
“Mohan, pick up the pace a little” Robby told her. She was usually under Al-Hashimi, that picked up her mentor role very seriously. But she was off and Samira had no choice but to present to him. Robby went to her baby shower dragged by Dana. He’d never acknowledged her pregnancy, let alone her relationship with Jack. He’d never spoke to Jack about that, but he came back from his sabbatical and the news fell on him. And he didn’t know what hit him. He hadn’t felt the need to adjust to her pregnancy in the slightest, like he saw many of his co-workers do. And when he noticed Jack pulling he away he felt even more entitled to do so.
Besides, pregnancy was not a disease. So…
So at the seventh hour of shift Samira needed to sit down, the baby was kicking like crazy and she needed a break. Instead, she was pulled into a trauma by Robby. And the baby kept kicking while she was intubating. And when the patient crashed she understood her limits and refused to perform CPR. Langdon immediately stepped in, not to overstep - but to help. Samira understood it, really. The problem was that, in her unhealthy relationship with Robby, the look of disappointment/disgust/distrust he mustered was enough to send her. She left the room, didn’t even know where she was going. She only know at one point LAngdon lead her to north 8 and helped her lay down. Her ears were ringing but she could hear Dana proposing to call Jack and Frank telling her to wait.
“Samira, listen to me. We have to lower your blood pressure, Dana will attach an IV now” Frank said “I’m going to lift your scrub top and hear the baby. Are you having contractions?” He asked and Samira shook her head.
“Samira, do you want me to call JAck” Dana asked when she was calm enough, and Samira nodded. She was fucking scared and she needed the father of her baby to tell her everything was going to be alright.
Jack promised Dana that’s he was going to be there in 15 minutes. He arrived in 12. Found her talking to her OB/Gyn, and he didn’t think he’d ever seen her so scared.
“What happened?” He asked, closing the distance with the gurney. She could only stare at him and it was Frank who spoke “Blood pressure skyrocketed, and she panicked on top of that”
“Samira, hey.” Jack turned her attention back to her
“I’m… I was fine, I swear…” she felt the need to explain “I knew I couldn’t perform CPR, and then it was worse than if I had”
“Hey Samira, hear me out. It’s not your fault, do you hear me? None of this is your fault” Jack said
“Ehm,” the OB/Gyn cleared his throat “as I was telling Dr Mohan, I do am a bit worried about her blood pressure. I think, Dr Mohan, should really take it easy.”
“As in bed rest?” Jack asked, gathering the courage she hadn’t to ask the question she was dreading so much to ask
“That depends on you, Samira” The doctor answered. “I’m worried that this baby is going to arrive before he should. You probably have quite a lot on your plate, and I understand you’re doubling the effort to have everything ready before the baby arrives… but it’s pointless if he arrives early anyway, isn’t it?”
Samira could only nod. Shortly after the OB/Gyn left and the air in the room became suddenly thick.
“I’m going to ask Frank if he can discharge you, so you can go home. I’ll take you” JAck said
“No, I… I’ll have Cassie do it… You’re already here, no point in taking me home to come back here” she said
“I can ask Ellis to cover me…”
“No” she answered abruptly “I can manage”
“Samira…”
“Jack.” She left no room for dialogue.
“Fine. But promise me you’ll have Cassie with you for a while, and if anything is wrong- anything Samira- you’ll call me” JAck pleaded and she agreed to that.
In the end, it was Frank Langdon to take her home and stay with her for a couple of hours.
“Wow, so that’s what an attending salary gets you?” He joked
“That, and restitution for losing a limb” Samira joked back
They had ordered phō on the way home, and they had dinner together. Samira scrunched her nose more than once cause she’d asked minimum amounts of salt and spices, blood pressure issues bothering her.
“So, what’s the deal with you and Abbot?” Langdon said. They’d been not exactly friends, but in the end they (as Parker said) bonded over this eldest siblings energy they had.
So, maybe it was the scare she had earlier in the day, or the fact she had to engage in conversation with Langdon, or maybe the fact that she wanted to talk about the situation without having Cassie finally despise Jack, but she opened up to Frank.
About how scared she’d been.
About how Robby triggered her reaction.
About how she’d lashed out on Jack.
About her feelings for Jack.
About how scared she was that she was going to be a terrible mother, and how she wanted to be a good mother and a good mother without neglecting her baby or her patients.
About how she worried this situation with Jack was so fucked up they were messing up with this baby since before his birth.
Langdon, for being one of the doctors with the fastest patients’ turnover, was surprisingly a good listener. He rarely interrupted, sensing that she had to let it all out, only interjecting when to ask some questions here and there.
“Woah, Samira. No wonder your BP is so high. You’ve kept all this bottled up for months now?”
“Not all of this, I kind of lashed out to Abbot a week ago or so” she admitted
“and that bought you another week basically”
“I know, right?” Samira said, “the first months were so calm, I deluded myself thinking my pregnancy would be easy”
“And then he acted like an asshole” Frank stated
“That. And the thousand things to do before the baby comes, and Robby back from his sabbatical”
“He didn’t get any better, did he?” Frank said, quietly
“In a way yes, but I also think he has his non-negotiable berating list and I happen to be the number one”
“Followed closely by me?” Frank said
“Don’t worry, you’re already third, Cassie actually made it second. But she doesn’t give a fuck, lucky her” Samira admitted
“Why do you think he acts like that?” Frank asked
“I don’t know. I think he’s so into the rabbit hole of his head that he cannot see the hurt he causes. And I, in turn, get mad cause every time I promise myself I will not let his behavior affect me, and then…”
“And then it affects you… is this what happened today?” Frank said
“The baby was kicking, I actually know when to stop before I put him at risk. Before I put patients at risk. But then he looked at me like I was completely incapable of handling a patient” she said
“And you lost the battle”
“Yeah…” she admitted
“Do you feel like it’s over with Jack?” Langdon asked
“I don’t know… I want to forgive him, but I don’t know if I can forget, if this makes a sense?” Samira said
“You don’t have to do either just yet” Frank said
“It’s just… I’m struggling to understand if I want to forgive him cause he deserves it, and cause I know he can love me back like he used to…”
“Or if you’re forgiving him just for the sake of the baby” Frank finished and she nodded
“I mean, hadn’t it been for the baby I would’ve been long gone. But the baby is here and I can’t ignore his well being. And he deserves a father. And I know he’s going to be a very good one.” Samira sighed “And I can see that he is trying, and I’m letting him. But I’m struggling to have it clear in my mind, if forgiving him is my delulu self thinking I can have back what we had at the beginning, or if I am doing it cause we don’t want our baby to grow up in a dysfunctional environment”
“Samira, I think it’s safe to say you’re both dysfunctional enough as it is?” He chuckled
“I mean, I had my baby daddy’s dead wife’s mother with me at a sonogram” Samira said, smiling
“Yeah it doesn’t get more dysfunctional than that” he continued
“Dana half joked she wants the baby to call her grandma” Now they were laughing out loud.
They continued their banter for a while, and it was absolutely liberating for Samira. In the end, when Frank left, she was feeling much better and much lighter. The problems remained, but she felt slightly liberated, so much so that before going to bed she decided to text JAck
“I’m ok, baby’s ok. Langdon left, don’t worry about us”
‘Easier said than done’ thought Jack before answering ‘alright, sleep well. Good night’
He’d spent the evening trying to calm down. His heart rate picked up when Dana called him and didn’t seem to slow down all evening. He actually questioned Donnie about what happened, and he sensed that something happened with Robby. He d been worried for a while now, cause he saw that Samira was exerting herself. But he’d been scared to chase her away to intervene.
More to that, he perfectly know that so far he had only added to her problems and the guilt was eating him alive.
He arrived the next morning to find her still asleep. Frank had given her two days, added to her day off. He went out of the shower and he heard her whining before standing up abruptly.
“Move, now” she ordered and he went out of the way
He was finishing getting dressed when she came out of the bathroom
“Sorry, my bladder was in a hurry”
“don’t worry” Jack said “How are you feeling?”
“Tired”
“You’re body is catching up on your tiredness” he said quietly
“I guess so, Dr Abbot” she said, flatly
“Samira I don’t want to patronize you” JAck sighed
“I know…” Samira said quietly “I know I tired myself out. I just wanted to get everything ready for this baby”
“I guess you can only prepare so much, then he decided everything else. When to kick, when to come out…” JAck said softly
“I just… I know” she settled for
“Samira, you can talk to me “ JAck said. She pondered his proposition for a while, then decided to talk. Bottling up didnt help the first time, she wasn’t repeating that mistake again.
“I… this situation is complicated” she admitted and he looked down, taking the blow silently “I want this baby to have the best life I can offer him, which is not much. But there’s not a single aspect of my life that’s going as I wanted to, and this baby is going to have to deal with…”
“With his amazing mother.” He finished
“I’m not that confident” she said
“And you’re wrong. Samira, you’re trying to do your best for this baby before he even comes. That’s as good as it gets”
“It’s not enough” she cried - “It’s not enough. I want to be the best mother, the best doctor, the best fellow, and I am failing at everything”
“No you’re not. Samira, I might not be your favorite person right now, but I will not stand for that” Jack said “You’re the best doctor I know, and you’re going to thrive in that fellowship. And no, you’re not going to be the perfect mother. You’re going to be exhausted, and sleep deprived, and you will sometimes put his nappy inside out. And be convinced his bottle is in his mouth while it’s pointing at his cheek. And it’s ok. It’s part of the fun. It means you love him to death while also trying to work for your goals and be your own person.”
“How can you be so sure?” She whispered
‘Cause I know you’; ‘cause I love you’ he thought
“Cause there’s very little you can’t do, Samira Mohan. And that’s a fact” Jack said “and because you’re not alone”. There. He said it
“Jack…” Samira said
“I don’t know what role do you want me to play in your life, Samira. I can have hopes, but you’re not ready to hear them right now. But one thing I know for sure, and it’s that we’ll love this baby with all our hearts, and we’ll be the best parents we can and nothing less than that.”
She surprised herself when she said “Can you hold me?”
It took a second for him to react cause he didn’t think he’d heard correctly. But then he obliged. And man had he missed those moments. He soaked in the moment, trying to ignore the guilt he was feeling, and the self loathe. Cause what do you mean he’d spent 4 months not doing this? For his own doing?
Samira, on her part, was equally torn. She’d missed the feeling of being in his arms, how safe and cared for she’d always felt. But she also felt like she was stealing that moment, that it wasn’t meant to be that way. That he was supporting the mother of his child, not his partner.
A small Part of her still felt that his partner was, and could only ever be, Beverly. Another small part believed she was longing for him for the sake of uniting their family. The biggest part of her still believed in what they could be, and wanted to be. It was also the part whose trust had been broken in tiny little pieces, and glue them up was not an easy process.
She reluctantly stepped out from their hug, and gave him a small smile.
‘spell broken’, he thought.
“Do you want me to make some breakfast while you relax?” He offered
“You’re coming back from a night shift and should really sleep”
“Pancakes?” He ignored her
“Fine..”
Overall, the next few days went on quite good. Samira took it easy and Jack made sure she could rest as much as possible. She went back to work and Frank started to shadow her until she cornered him and promised him she was going to tell him if she was feeling out of the game.
She was also back under the stretch guidance of Al-Hashimi, who was not there three days ago but she made a point of being the one she presented the cases to. If she had to take a lucky guess, considering the three times she caught her and Dana exchanging gazes, she was made aware of what had happened.
Luck ran out after a week, when she had back to back traumas during the last three hours of her shift. Frank tried to chime in after a while, as did Cassie and Parker. Robby had requested her. They were, after all, cardiac patients, and she was about to start an Emergency cardiac surgery fellowship.
After the fifth patient, she straight up refused to go on and - without waiting for Robby’s permission, asked Frank to climb on board.
“If you can’t keep up, you can go home” Robby said, berating
“I won’t go home until my shift is over” Samira said, decisively
“You go home when I say you go” Robby said “pack up, we can manage without you”
“I won’t go home” Samira said
“You can’t pick up any more patients, I don’t need you here”
“I’ll finish charting the ones I have and leave, then” she said bowing out
she felt her heart a thousand beats per minute. With Robby, it was just like that. She could avoid overexerting by stepping out when she felt like she needed to, but he wouldnt let it pass. Thus stressing her. Or She could keep pushing through procedures, and still It wouldnt be enough. She took her gloves and gown off, and marched off to the lockers. What she didn’t notice was Jack abbot slipping in to the trauma room.
“What the fuck was that?” He asked and Robby rolled his eyes
“spare me”
“She’s 8 months pregnant” JAck seethed
“That sounds like a you problem” Robby actually had the nerve to be smug
“And you know she’s having issues with her blood pressure. Why are you doing this to her?”
“I’m not doing anything” Robby said defensively “She can’t keep up, that’s the door”
“She’s the best doctor here, you’re berating her for something that a thousand of doctors go through” JAck said exasperated
“I DON’T WANT HER HERE!” Robby finally admitted “She’s going to slow down the entire department, my residents will take after her and this place is going to be perpetually clogged.”
“SO YOU’RE WILLING TO PUT HER HEALTH AND THAT OF MY SON AT RISK?” Jack raised his voice.
“It’s nothing she can’t handle. And you’re actually favoring her” Robby said almost nonchalantly.
“THAT’S ENOUGH YOU TWO” Dana went in and stopped them “Jack, I’m sending Samira home with Cassie, take five.”
Jack looked at Robby like he didnt recognise the person in front of him. Then approached him slowly, and whispered
“You better pray everything goes well. Because if anything, anything, happens to Samira or the baby because you push her to the limit, I’m not going to stop until I destroy you”
And he left, leaving Robby in the trauma room with Dana looking at him
“What?” He snapped
“When I was pregnant with my third I worked until my water broke. You brought me gingerbread cookies every day cause it was the only thing I could keep down.” Dana remembered
“That was another time” Robby said
“That was another you.” Dana said, then left him
——————————————————————————————
Jack saw Samira coming back to the hospital at 6:45, later than she would usually arrive but still in time. Her eyes were tired and slightly bloodshot, indicating shed been probably crying.
“Are you ok?” He asked, cornering her near the lockers
“Yeah” she said, and the way it came out made it not believable “Rough night”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Jack asked
“Do you want to hear me rant about your best friend?” She asked sarcastically
“You rank higher in my list of priorities” Jack stated, simply.
Samira looked at him surprised, and Jack smiled.
He left short after, decided to stay awake before his night off. He worked on the rest of the baby’s room, which was -at this point- almost done.
Samira arrived at 7:20, kicked off her shoes, and went to look for him. She found him in the kitchen, cooking. She’d heard, at one point, Dana and Al-hashimi talking about what happened between Robby and Jack the night before, and then cornered Dana until she recounted in detail their fight.
“Samira, I’m not asking you to forgive him.” Dana had said at one point - “But you have to know that there’s little, very little, he wouldn’t do for you and the baby”
“I know” was her only answer.
“Besides, if he only makes you annoyed at his cologne I think there’s a dozen of people ready to kick his ass. But I really don’t think it will be the case” Dana stated
“Do you think I should forgive him?” Samira asked
“Do you want to?”
“I don’t know. Part of me, yes. Part of me is scared I’m letting this go too easily cause I just want what I had before” Samira said
“And that’s wrong?” Dana asked “I think, if you feel like that, that deep down you know he can give you that. But you’re still scared he will take it away from you again, I think you’re safe”
And Samira knew. Deep down. Knew for months that she couldn’t, wouldn’t, have misjudged him so much. She knew, even during those months, that he must have been somewhere down there. And yet those weeks, months, were not easy to erase. And so after, when he came into his senses, trust was not easy to give. And even those times when she wanted to forgive him, she craved his presence to soothe her doubts, to calm her down. All the times her hormones kicked in like crazy and she wanted to climb him like a tree. She resisted. Cause he didn’t deserve her forgiveness just yet. Cause she didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Cause she could’ve sought an abortion back there, and return to normal life. Or she could’ve done it alone since the beginning. But she chose not to, because he was there. And he’d promised he would’ve been there. And most of all, because she wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t in the picture. The point was, to Samira, that she needed something from him.
And hearing about his defense was not helping.
And so she entered the apartment and hunted him down in the kitchen. He offered her a small smile, but it wasn’t what she needed. She grabbed him by his shirt and smashed her lips into his.
And he tried, really tried to call her out “Sami…”, but he couldn’t even finish the sentence cause her lips were on his again. And Jack Abbot tried stoically to find a reason for this change of heart, but he’d longed for her lips for ages. And wasn’t going to stop. He only managed to turn off the stove and then tried to lead her to the bedroom trying to break their kisses as little as possible.
They both poured everything they held back during those months. The love, the hurt, the guilt, the longing, everything.
They laid in bed in the aftermath, him on his back and her with her head on his chest, his abdomen almost serving as a pregnancy pillow. His hands roamed lazily on her stomach, who moved as the baby shifted.
“You’re thinking” She said
“I’m debating” he answered
“About what?”
“About wether to ask now and possibly ruin thus moment or wait until tomorrow” he stated
“Sounds already like half a question” she answered
“It can wait until tomorrow” he said, looking at her
“I needed you. To feel you as close as possible. Not as our baby’s father. As egoistical as it sounds” She sighed
“You’re allowed to need me too” He said
“I deliberately complicated things” Samira sighed
“Samira, as much as I would like this to be the moment we start over, it doesn’t have to be like that if you don’t feel like it”
She had her head still on his chest and could feel how the his heartbeat started moving faster, anticipating.
“It’s just… I want this, but…”
“But I hurt you” he stated, simply.
“It’s hard to forget. And it’s hard to understand…” she said “how you can be the person who loves me like you just did, making me feel like I am the centre of the entire universe; and at the same time you can be the person who ignored me for months. Today, I needed the confirmation…”
“Confirmation of what?” Jack asked
“That this part of you is the real you” she answered
“I feel like there is a but hanging over here…” jack said
“But I’m not ready to give away my trust that easily” she said
His hand stilled on her belly, then moved to cup her cheek and made her look at him, “you don’t have to do it now. But please know, Samira, that I will spend every minute of every day proving you that you can trust me. And not only for you, but also for our baby. For what we have together, and also for me. Cause when I could finally look at myself i didn’t recognize what I was seeing.”
She stared at him for the longest time, finding in his eyes exactly what she was looking for. Finally. Romantically, she wanted to lean in and seal this with a kiss. She couldn’t bring herself to do it. It was too much. Instead, she settled for bringing her hand to his face and caress his jaw. From the way he closed his eyes and lost himself in her touch, it was enough. She closed her eyes and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up to find their bed empty. She smelled eggs and possibly bacon and she was sure he was making breakfast. She had a quick shower and got ready for work. They had breakfast quietly, soaking in each others’ presence for the first time in a long time.
She stood up and went to grab her bag to go to work. He stood up too, following her just to be in her proximity.
“One step at the time?” She asked
“One step at the time” he confirmed.
——————————————————————————————————————————————-
Samira was charting, but her mind was elsewhere. Shift was almost over, and she was glancing at the door to catch a glimpse of Jack.
“If you keep doing that you’ll develop the power to materialize him in from of you” Frank said, leaning on her station
“I’m obvious” She sighed, tearing her eyes off the entrance and looking at the screen in front of her
“Let’s walk” Langdon said and she glared at him
“You’ve spend the good part of your shift begging me to rest and now you want me to move?” She said
“I contain multitudes. come on”
They walked to the break room. She didn’t even know if they were close enough to talk like that, but she blurted out “I slept with JAck last night” faster than her brain could go
“Woah. I feel like one of your girlfriends” Frank said, chocking on his water
“Too much?” She said
“As long as we don’t paint each others’ toenails” Frank said
“Sorry to blurt it out like that” she said
“It’s fine.” He was then silent for a second “so, are you back together?”
she sighed “I don’t know”
“Samira…” Frank said
“I was thinking about that precise moment, not the before nor the after” she admitted
“So you don’t know if it was make up or break up sex?” He said questioning
“we agreed to take baby steps, not to rush back into anything” she answered
“Can I tell you something? Nobody really knows yet” Frank said
“Of course” Samira answered, motioning him to sit down
“Abby and I are getting divorced.” He said solemnly
“Frank I’m so sorry” Samira offered
“don’t be. We… I deserved it. Let’s start from there. We were expecting our third baby and I was hiding my addiction and then Robby kicked me out and she found out the worst way. Almost sent her into early labour. The day Jimmy was born I was overjoyed, I got to the same high as if I was on Benzos. But then we went home, and I saw her when I was around the baby, and my elder kids also. She was wary, like she didn’t trust her anymore.” He stopped for a second
“She’d completely lost her trust and I decided to follow my rehab at my parents. She refused, and I stayed. Then she served me the papers after three months. I thought we were getting better but she was getting used to be a single parent.”
“Frank, I’m sorry to hear that” Samira said, reaching for his hand
“What I’m trying to say is… you chose if you want to trust or not. But when you choose, you stick to your decision. You decide if you don’t want to trust JAck, it’s in your rights absolutely. But I suggest you put some real boundaries, and get to an agreement about how you’re going to co-parent this baby. Or you can choose to trust him again: in that case, you cannot be hot and cold as you wish. You either trust him or you don’t. Otherwise you’ll just end up hurting him back”
“I don’t want to hurt him” Samira said, quietly
“Then choose what you need to, but commit to that decision. I’m not telling you to decide in this precise minute, but I’m telling you that you have to be sure of your choice when you make it. Otherwise yeah, you’ll just confuse yourself and delude him”
“Sometimes I wish I could be out of my body and see us from the outside” she said
“If you could, you’d have just decided” He declared with certainty
She suspected that what he meant was that she would’ve already forgiven him, but she didn’t dare ask as much.
What was sure is that, once they went back to the nurse station, Samira’s eyes immediately scanned the room, feeling his presence before actually seeing him. And sure enough, when she found him, their eyes locked like they’d been waiting 12 hours to do so.
Samira gave him a smile and went back to her station where she found a takeaway cup with chamomile tea. Honey sweetened. With a drop of lemon. Minty. Her favorite.
——————————————————————————————————————
The next Wednesday marked her day off. Which was also his night off. That means they were going to have the next 24 hours to themselves. He received her message at 6:01
- I won’t let you in without breakfast burritos. (6:01)
- Your wish is my command. (6:20)
He went inside and saw her. Yoga mat laid out, she was moving wobbly, belly protruding and peeking out every time she bent over.
“Oh come on, I have to stretch so you don’t rip me apart. This is so not the time to kick.” She whined.
“Hopefully he doesn’t rip you apart even without all the stretching” he said leaning on the living room wall
“Hopefully he doesn’t take his head size after his dad then” She said, faking bitterness
“Ouch, Dr Mohan” he joked “And here I was, bringing you breakfast”
“That’s your duty, Dr Abbot, for being the one who put me in this situation in which I move like an elephant”
“A beautiful elephant, if you ask me” he said, and she softened
“You take a shower and I set up the table for breakfast?” She said
“Deal”
——-
“I needed it” She said, patting her belly
“The carb load?” He asked
“The grease” she said, laughing
“The OB/Gyn could have a stroke knowing you ate that”
“then we’ll not going to tell him, Mr Whistleblower” she mocked him
“I’m not going to tell him cause you’ve been good for weeks with the salt intake. I will never have BP problems in my life” he said. It was like he opened her eyes with his fingers and she could see him.
Since the doctor had suggested that she cut her salt and spices intake, in a way that she could keep her blood pressure under control, she had to completely modify her diet. Not her, cause she could cook some basics and would add spices to water if she could. But him. He meal prepped all week long in what he called “boring white man cooking boring white food”. But he prepared for both of them. So he ate spiceless and flavorless food just like she did. And he prepared her water and electrolytes. Every morning. And a chamomile tea to go at night when he got to the hospital. And she found dinner to heat up when she was home. And he’d spent three hours on YouTube learning to do a lymphatic massage to drain her legs after she complained about her swollen calves. Asked an expert he knew how to prevent it. And booked her a Brazilian wax from her usual salon to go to their house, cause she complained she didn’t want her pregnancy to change her habits so much. And the little things he was doing for her. She stood up and kissed him. He stood up and kissed her back.
And the baby kicked. And they both laughed. And then kicked again. Harder.
“Let’s lay down” he said. Lazily kissing, lazily touching, slowly crawling back into each other’s skin. And heart.
“I want to be with you” she said at one point. Barely a whisper.
“Say that again?” He really wasn’t sure if he’d imagined it. She propped up on one elbow, leaning the other on his chest. Then took one of his ears as if to open it wider
“I said I want to be with you. Every day. All day.” Samira said then started to lay back down but he put her on her good side and faced her
“I’m going to love you, Samira. Every day of my life. And while we’re at it, I’m going to make love to you. Every day, every night, whenever and wherever you’ll want me. ” his voice broke and she had tears in her eyes “I’d be so proud, and so fucking lucky to be your partner everyday for the rest of my life which- for the first time in a long time, maybe since ever, I really hope could be long enough to see our son grow and to have as many memories as I can with him. And you.”
She was openly crying, and could only fiddle with his shirt. Shirt that she was currently soaking.
“I don’t want to overwhelm you, Sam…”
“I love you.” She said, this time sure of her choice “I’m choosing you, and I know it’s the right choice.”
“Say the first part again?” He pleaded and she raised an eyebrow - “Please, Samira”
“I love you, Jack Abbot”
He crushed with an hug, as much as her stomach could allow. He started smothering her with kisses and she giggled in such a carefree way she wasn’t used to. They would be alright, she finally felt it.
————————————————————————
Baby Daniel Kiran Abbot-Mohan arrived nine days later. Three weeks earlier than his due date. He decided to show up mid-shift, when Samira was performing light duty and teaching a med student a particular type of stitches. She turned to Dana and her look of panic was enough to alert the nurse, who quietly ushered her to a private room and had Cassie triage her, before excusing herself to call Jack. By the time he arrived at the hospital, 16 minutes later cause he was under the shower, Samira was already upstairs. Dana was holding her hand, telling her that everything was going to be alright and that their baby was early but already formed, and he didn’t need any more time cause now that his parents were good he wanted to meet them.
That, and all the ways in which Dana helped them throughout the pregnancy, were the reason they decided to call him Daniel.
Dana left quietly when Jack arrived cause she wanted to give the two some privacy. Besides, Samira’s attention completely shifted to Jack by the time she felt his presence. And vice versa.
Jack was with her throughout labour and delivery, cheering her up, holding her hand, reminding her how strong she was.
“I can’t do it anymore” Samira pleaded at one point. He gently took her hand and kissed it
“Samira, there’s very very little you aren’t able to do” and that was enough to push. One, two, three more times.
Until they heard it. A strong cry and a hand lifting her gown to place their baby on her chest.
“He’s perfect” he whispered a couple of hours later, Dani latched on Samira’s breast. “You both are”
“We created a life, Jack” Samira said, gaze shifting between the two halves of her heart.
“You’re incredible Samira” he said and he kissed her softly “I love you so much. Both of you”
They went home the two days later. Jack took Dani inside with the carseat, Samira behind a little slower. Jack left them to pick up the bags. And the flowers. And the gifts. They asked their friends and Maggie to give them the time to adjust before visiting, and they were happy to oblige on the promise to receive as many pictures as they felt comfortable sending.
As if sensing his father had left him for one single second, Dani whimpered, waking up. Samira checked on him and then picked him up softly, rocking him and whispering sweet nothings.
“You just want a house tour, don’t you?” She said, and then proceeded to guide him through the kitchen. Then she moved to the living room and stopped breathing for a second. She went near the wall, the same wall in which there was that picture she’d felt was haunting her. She didn’t feel haunted anymore. She felt like she was a new, hopefully longer chapter. And most importantly, she felt that she had the right to be there. Cause she was exactly where she belonged. Besides, instead of one picture there were two now.
“Look Dani, those are your two guardian angels. This one here is grandpa Kiran, and the toothless girl he’s holding is me. The other angel here is Beverly. You will never met her but you’ll meet Grandma Maggie, and that’s as close as it gets” she said softly but Dani had already fallen back asleep
She turned around to see Jack was watching her, eyes glassy with unshed tears. They met each other halfway, in the middle of the living room. He kissed her and cradled Dani’s head
“Thank you for putting his picture on the wall” she said
“He’s family, and I was putting up some more” he briefly glanced at the bookshelf, where she saw a picture of her graduation. Then he lead her to their bedroom, where he hanged a picture of them taken right after shed moved in. Then there was the second one, taken at the baby shower, and the last one from the day Dani was born. Taken by Cassie. Samira lingered on the second one briefly, and he came up behind her
“I cannot erase what I did during those months. I wish I could, but I can’t. But it’s part of our history and it’s also the story of a broken promise” he said and she turned to look at him.
“That night, you made me promise that I would love him as if he were beverly’s. I won’t. I will love our son for what he is: ours. cause he was born out of our love, and he will grow up feeling loved every minute of his life. That I can promise you”
She tried to interrupt but he needed to let it all out “And Samira, you made an amputee veteran middle aged man feel lucky. Cause you love me, cause you forgave me, cause you gave me the most amazing little boy”
She leaned in to kiss him. And the baby fussed and snuggled even closer to his mother.
“Hey” Jack said “she’s your mother but she’s also the love of my life. No business being jealous little man”
Samira laughed “could say the same about you if he could talk”
“But he can’t. Yet.” He said and picked him up to change him.
Samira looked at the scene in front of her and leaned on the wall. This was her home. And her family. And she would burn cities for the people in front of her. And she knew Jack would do the same for her and their son.