Chapter Text
That's stupid.
Of course it wasn't stupid, but she still thought it, even though it was already too late.
She was a spy, a contract killer, or a serial killer, depending on your point of view; some even cast her as a terrorist, and yet, there she was, in the kitchen of the Avengers compound, baking a cake.
Considering all the harm she'd caused, she was getting off a little too easily.
Imposter syndrome, they call it.
Yeah, that's exactly it, the whole situation was stupid. She couldn't sleep because of the horrors she'd committed, and then she'd get up and try to be nice to her team as if that would erase her past.
With a mixing bowl under her arm and a whisk in her hand, she vigorously stirred together a mixture of egg, flour, and milk.
She resisted the urge to throw it all away by her frustration; it was unfair, why her and not someone else? She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. As she usually did, Yelena decides then amount of self-control was the best solution.
Finally, she grabbed the bowl of melted chocolate from the counter and stirred it into the batter.
It was just 5 am, she still had some time before the first people to get up arrived.
Nights had always been difficult for her, nightmares never seem to give her a moment's respite, but she was starting to live with it.
Or at least she was trying.
A while back, she and Bucky had a conversation about it.
He had helped her wake up as much as he had plunged her deeper into this haze of dark thoughts.
[A few months earlier]
-"Having trouble sleeping?"
Although she didn't show it, she hadn't heard him come in. She kept her eyes glued to her book, even though she wasn't reading: "I've slept enough."
-"Its not even 3 am"
-"You're up too" replied the blonde, avoiding having to explain herself. She knew perfectly well it was too early to be awake, even for her, who had learned to do a lot with a little.
-“I just got back.” He walked over quietly and sat down next to her. “Criminology? Interesting.” Bucky had never been much of a talker, he got straight to the point, so this need to exchange pleasantries was a red flag for her.
-“I would have preferred to train, but the training room isn’t soundproofed.”
-“It’s far from the bedrooms, it’s not a problem,” the dark-haired man explained, leaning towards his colleague and taking the book from her hands to force her attention to him “And you know that perfectly well.”
Yelena said nothing. Bucky was right. She’d trained late or very early before, and it had never bothered anyone.
However, she refused to look at him. She sank into the sofa and crossed her arms. The man waited patiently, knowing she would eventually speak to get rid of him.
And he's right.
-"I don't have all night," the widow explains, though it's a lie "Just spit it out Bucky." He watches her, seemingly searching for something in the young woman's eyes. He nods to himself, feeling as though he's gotten what he wanted.
-"Natasha was one of my friends.” It had barely begun, and Yelena already hated it, or so it seemed. “She and Steve helped me a lot. Steve accompanied me into this new era, and Nat, she…” he trailed off, realizing the blonde wasn't interrupting him, that she remained motionless. He glanced quickly at the young woman, even though she didn't show it, she was attentive, she stared at the coffee table. Her eyebrows were a little too tightly drawn, and her hands were gripping her knees too tightly.
The Winter Soldier managed a slight smile for a brief moment, and although Yelena wasn't comfortable with this conversation, she didn't shy away. This is new.
-"She taught me how to make choices, how to make decisions, how to say no if I don't want to do something. How to be free." It would certainly have sounded silly to anyone else, but Yelena closed her mouth, pursing her lips into a thin line. She, too, would have loved to have Natasha to teach her all that, and so much more. "I will be eternally grateful to her.”
Bucky was just getting started. He bent down and placed the criminology book on the coffee table, finally freeing his hands. “Yelena, I know what you’ve been through, at least in part, and I know it’s not easy.” He paused before concluding, hoping to finally get a reaction from Yelena. “Especially at night.”
The blonde held her breath, not wanting her neighbor to know how well he’d hit the nail on the head.
-“I still have nightmare” the Winter Soldier admits, surprising Yelena. She turns slowly, studying the man’s face to make sure he isn’t lying. “And I don’t think it will ever stop, but I know that with time you learn to live with it. You have to accept that it’s not your fault. Make peace with your past.”
-“And how am I supposed to do that?” Yelena ask sarcastically, unable to see how such a thing was possible.
-“Time” Bucky says, giving her an apologetic smile. “And talking about it” he stands, forcing Yelena to look up at him, “with someone you trust, someone who will listen. It won’t be easy to expose the worst years of your life, but you don’t have to keep it all to yourself. We all have complicated pasts, we won’t judge you. I’m not saying you have to tell us, just that you don’t have to pretend.”
Yelena nods, not trusting her ability to hide the strong emotions that are beginning to overwhelm her.
-“You make mistakes. And that’s okay.” He knew Natasha; he could never be the support Yelena truly deserved, but he could do his best and be there for them, just as the former widow had always been: “No one will get hurt, there will be no punishment, no bloodshed, not a single scream or cry except from your own when you decide it’s time.”
Yelena raised her head. Bucky could see the moist reflections in the new widow’s eyes, watch her body tense to stay still, and hear the blonde’s trembling breath as she prepared to speak.
-“Can you tell me about Natasha?”
-“I’ll tell you as much as you like.”
She nodded gratefully as Bucky stood up and walked away. He stopped halfway to the exit, deciding he could already talk about her : “She took care of everyone, she never abandoned anyone. When she was there, no one was alone. Kind of like you.” He paused, then moved on.
-“I’ll never be Natasha, but one thing’s for sure: you’ll never be alone again.” He looked at her one last time before deciding that was enough for tonight. “Try to sleep.”
Yelena was motionless, unable to move, unable to answer all the questions swirling in her mind.
One among many others made her stomach clench.
-"So…" she said slowly, her mouth was dry, and she wasn't even sure she wanted an answer, yet she asked the question, "...Why have I never felt so alone?"
///
If you ask her, loneliness is a thing of the past, but as for nightmares, she's still working on them.
The difference is that before, she would have made sure no one knew...
She poured the batter from her cake now finished, into an old metal mold she found at the back of a cupboard.
The old Avengers didn't seem to be the type to get their hands dirty (in the literal sense).
The cake was in the oven for an indefinite period, and she settled onto one of the high stools at the bar, her phone in hand, aimlessly switching between apps.
She quickly started thinking about Kate. Nothing extraordinary, just a brief, minimalist, almost childish thought.
Stupid.
The visit she had paid him had done him more good than any conversation or time spent in that place. It was she who showed him how much joy a small gesture could bring. As a black widow, she never gave willingly; every action was calculated, nothing was left to chance, and wasting time was not an option.
The morning spent with Kate would have been considered a grave offense by the Red Room. A death sentence.
Here, it had only been a source of kindness and unhealthy curiosity.
In her eyes, it was pleasant, relaxing, and even fun, this girl was really funny, and Yelena didn't hesitate for a second before telling her.
There were too many things she hadn't been able to tell her sister. She was convinced she had the time, she had only just found her again. She put her phone on the counter, got up quickly, and still took the time to turn off the oven and leave. She needed some fresh air.
She had just found her sister.
After years of wandering in solitude, she had finally found the one thing that had never mattered so much to her. And it had been taken from her.
She would never make that mistake again. She would never put things off again, there would be no more unspoken words, and certainly no more loss of contact.
-"Ho hel-”
She didn't slow down or even glance at the young man; she just wanted to get away from that place for a moment, breathe, and let a few tears escape, hoping it would ease the knot in her throat that seemed determined not to loosen.
Yelena had many regrets. Chasing after Clint had occupied her for a while; it had given her someone to blame, a way to vent her anger.
After that, she drifted for a while, wallowing in her sadness and self-loathing, not having time to truly resolve anything, and then there was this whole thing with Valentina.
It was good, it kept her busy, got her back on her feet, thinking, "This is what Natasha would have wanted.”
Crime seemed to be subsiding, with the Avengers generally being called in for the most serious problems. The holiday season was often quiet, the villains were apparently preparing for Christmas too. The only things to deal with were countless trafficking operations and not-so-super villains, the kind of stuff the Champions and Defenders liked to handle.
Deep down, this tranquility was good. It allowed her to do pretty much what she wanted.
But now that she had entire days free, she was dwelling on her past, the losses she'd suffered, the regrets she could never undo. And all this negativity was preventing her from knowing if she wanted a mission just to occupy her mind or if she truly wanted to go and fight and save some lives.
-"Damn."
-"Understandable."
Yelena gritted her teeth, swallowing tears of anger, sorrow, and frustration that hadn't even had time to escape.
-“I hate it when you do that.”
-“Do what?” Ava mocks, disappearing again just to annoy Yelena even more. But it doesn’t last long, as she reappears with her arms crossed and a worried look on her face. She may not be the gentlest or most tactful person (compared to everyone else in this tower, maybe she is), but she knows when jokes and irony should be put aside.“Did you bake this cake?”
-“I know, it’s stupid.”
-“I was going to say nice,” the other woman corrected, her eyes wandering everywhere but on the blonde. “Bob restarted it for five minutes.” She explained, without really waiting for a reply, that when she had come into the kitchen just to get a coffee, as usual, Bob had told her he’d seen Yelena acting unusually agitated, which seemed to be bother him. “I didn’t know you cooked.”
-“In the red room, I learned many things, but not really how to cook. The orders were simply to eat and drink, the method didn't matter as long as it was enough to survive and complete our mission. So I learned.” It didn't come from a desire to eat something delicious, but from the necessity of proper nutrition to prevent their strength from waning. “Eating well is essential for staying healthy. Obviously, I learned until I excelled in it; mediocrity wasn't an option.” Yelena turned to her friend, finally making eye contact. “It was the synonym of death.”
Yelena rarely spoke of her past, like everyone else on the team, but most knew that the new widow was among those who had experienced the most.
-“Luckily, mediocrity is acceptable here. I wouldn’t even know how to make an omelet” Ava replied after a moment of reflection. “There aren’t often kitchens in research labs, as you can imagine and with SHIELD, I had meal vouchers.” The ghost held out her hand to the other woman to pass her the phone. “You received some messages, from someone named Kate Bishop. We didn’t know if they were important.”
Yelena grabbed it and put it in one of her pockets: “Thanks.”
-“Aren’t you going to look?”
-“It can wait.”
Ava didn’t seem convinced; she stared intently at her colleague without a word.
-“If it were urgent, she wouldn’t have contacted me” the blonde explained, although in reality, she had no idea, but for the moment she didn’t need outside opinions on her relationship with Kate. She especially didn’t want her father involved.
-“So what? She sends you cute little cat GIFs to say hello before going to work? How adorable,” Ava teased, though she wasn’t trying to get answers or tease her friend; it was mainly to take her mind off things.
-“She doesn’t-” Yelena didn’t finish her sentence. Annoyed, she sighed and picked up her phone.
5 New message from Kate Bishop
She can't even deny it, because yes, she's convinced the archer could be that kind of person. Clingy, a little cringeworthy, but endearing via text.
She opened the app under Ava's curious gaze, who seemed to think she'd get more information by staring at the ex-assassin rather than reading the messages.
Kate Bishop :
-"Hi, Yelena :)"
"I was wondering, would you like to go for drink?"
"U know, the one I suggested during all Christmas stuff."
"Before you did it, yeah, it was a distraction, but who really care?"
"I hope Im not waking you up, sorry if I'm.”
As she read those words, the tension that had built up during the night, the morning, and this exchange with Ava seemed to dissipate. She suppressed a smile, all too aware of the other woman's smug grin.
-"Stop smiling like that."
-"Or what?" Ava asked, knowing that despite her considerable skill, Yelena wouldn't be able to land a single blow.
: Yelena Belova
Good morning, I've been awake for a
while now. I baked a cake for the team.
Anyway, I'll be here tonight.
-"So?"
-"Well, you'll have to manage without me tonight," the white widow replied, without saying anything more. She put away her phone and went inside.
Upon returning to the kitchen, Alexei was noisily chewing a piece of cake, Walker was sipping his coffee, which was far too strong, and Bob was waiting patiently in front of the now almost-finished cake.
-"I saved you a slice" Bob announced, moving aside to give the two girls access to the plate. "Alexei would have eaten it all if I hadn't reminded him that you might want some" he explained to Yelena. She didn't really mind, she hadn't cooked for herself, and besides, she wasn't very hungry. Yet, she took a small piece anyway, to taste it.
-“Actually, Yelena won’t be available tonight.”
Ava isn’t her favorite person, okay, that was false. She was one of those people with whom time flew by; she’s talented, loyal, and sometimes funny, but not today. At least not when she is interrupted in the middle of thinking about her sister or when her schedule is revealed to everyone.
-“A mission?” Alexei and Walker asked simultaneously. They’d been on edge for days, having remained hidden from the public for far too long.
-“No, I’m going to visit a old friend.”
-“Do I know her?” Red Guardian asked quickly, no one able to say whether it was simple curiosity or a fatherly feeling.
-“No” Yelena replied, but Ava corrected her negative answer. “It’s Kate Bishop.”
-“The new Hawkeye?” the U.S. agent asked, suddenly interested.
-“Hawkeye?” Bob repeated, seemingly unaware of who the other man was talking about.
-“She’s the captain of the Champions, right?” the Widow’s father asked enthusiastically. “We should meet her!”
-“No” Yelena finally interjected, which was precisely why she wanted to keep quiet about it. “Nobody met anybody.”
-“Don’t be so possessive,” Ava giggles, nudging her elbow in the ribs. The spy gives her a dark look that’s no more defeated than a flick of the other woman’s. “We’re just curious.”
-“Yeah… how long have you known her?” Sentry ventures to ask, her voice almost timid, but her intervention manages to soften Yelena’s stance.
-“Almost two years.”
-“You’ve known a Champion all this time and you’ve never said a word!” the oldest member of the group accused her.
-“How did you meet her?” Walkers continued.
Yelena sighed, she’d already lost. Nothing stays secret for long when you’re surrounded by super spies, soldiers, and assassins.
-“I was hired to kill Clint Barton,” the widow finally conceded. “Kate was under his protection because she’d stuck a target on the middle of her back after borrowing the Ronin costume.” She paused for a moment to refill her glass of water. “And she thinking they were acolytes or something, so she had to protect him.”
-“And you didn’t kill her?” Yelena hadn’t planned to elaborate, much less answer a question like that honestly, but Ava watched her from a high chair with genuine interest. For the first time since they’d speak on Kate, there was no amusement, no irony or teasing, just real interest.
-“Even if I thought Clint was at fault, it was obvious that she was convinced she was on the right side, whether it was because of naivety or some kind of manipulation and lies, she didn’t deserve to die. She just needed to have her eyes opened.” That was the deep-seated reason, the first one, the one that made him hang the archer by a thread on the roof, then there was the second reason after his little visit to the brunette’s apartment, that was the official one : “She’s fun, good company,” Yelena finished with a smile.
-“Those aren’t exactly the adjectives Clint would use,” interjects the last missing team member, standing at the entrance with a small, almost imperceptible smile.
Yelena takes the time to turn fully toward him and take a sip of water before replying, “Clint isn’t exactly what I’d call a reliable source.”
-“Obviously” Bucky agrees, amused. “You should invite her over sometime,” he suggests, prompting a shout of approval from Alexei: “Yes! I want to meet little Hawkeye!”
Yelena sighs in exasperation.
-“I want to meet my daughter’s friends,” he insists, a little too loudly. This enthusiasm and insistence irritate her. There’s been this “I want” for the last five minutes. She explains that she doesn’t want to, but he doesn’t care in the slightest. Bucky has the courtesy and respect to offer to invite Kate.
Selfishness isn't something Yelena appreciates.
And her "father" is.
"We'll see if SHE wants to," the blonde insists, emptying her glass into the sink, grabbing a piece of cake, and heading for the door “None of you has any interest in meddling in what doesn’t concern you.”
Then she left.
[...]
-"You're falling back into your old habits!" Although the brunette stood with her hands on her hips, facing Yelena, who was hanging from the other side of her window, her expression was feigned annoyance.
-"It's much more fun," Yelena promised, her boots tapping against the floor. "You should try it." She unfastened the hook on her belt and went completely inside the apartment.
Kate shakes her head, amused. “I like heights, but doors suit me just fine,” the archer refuses. However, it wouldn't kill her to do the same to Yelena so she'd understand why it can be unsettling. “But as they say, never say never.”
-“I like what I hear,” exclaims the blonde, but her attention is already fixed on the small, four-legged creature. “Hello there.” She crouches down to its level and slides hands into the animal's long fur. “Do you feel then I've brought you something?”
Lucky barked happily in response, pressing his head against Yelena's ribs. The archer couldn't help but watch the pair with affection. The pizza-loving dog jumped up at the young woman, coming up light under her face with enthusiasm. She fell on her bottom, laughing loudly. "Okay, okay, give me two seconds."
Lucky sat down in front of her within seconds, ears pricked, his bright eye focused on the spy's every move. She opened one of her pockets and pulled out a bag of treats, which she immediately tore open so as not to keep the dog waiting any longer. As soon as he had his treat, he went off to lie down a little further away to chew it.
Yelena sat up slowly, a slightly too sweet smile on her face. When she raised her head and met Kate's tender gaze, she suddenly felt uneasy. She had acted as if she weren't there; she had let her guard down.
This is bad.
Quickly, she tried to correct herself by repeating that it was normal.
Everything's fine.
You can do whatever you want.
Be yourself.
No persona, no games, no interrogation.
"You arrived a little earlier than I expected, give me five minutes." Yelena didn't see why her host needed five minutes. Her slightly baggy jeans and plain white t-shirt were perfectly adequate for a drink. She herself hadn't made any particular effort; she was wearing a thermal long-sleeved t-shirt tucked into her cargo pants and a vest with lots of pockets (as usual) that she'd picked up in the fishing section. Her outfit was, of course, completed with her belt and ranger boots; without them, getting in through the window would have been a bit more complicated.
Kate came back down at a good 7 minutes and 27 seconds, but the blonde refrained from commenting; anyway, she was far too busy watching her friend pull on a tracksuit jacket over a purple crop top.
-“Sorry, I took longer than expected,” Kate apologized, settling down on the ground next to the entrance to lace up her boots. “I hesitated to change into different pants; it’s supposed to rain later this evening. Baggy pants are cool, but they always get wet.”
-“The water dries,” Yelena informs her. Kate raises her head, ready to defend herself, but the blonde doesn't give her the chance. “Or I can carry you.”
Now, Kate wasn't sure if the new Avenger was insulting her or trying to be nice. Naturally optimistic, she obviously chose the latter.
-“Well, that'll be for another night,” Kate replies, tightening her shoelace and getting back to her feet. In her eyes, these words mean nothing, yet she had just given Yelena far more than anyone since her sister.
The promise that it wasn't over, the promise that they would see each other again.
-"I was thinking of the little bar down the street," the archer suggested, removing her keys from the lock. They were adorned with a plastic keychain bearing the Hawkeye logo and a small purple bead, and a second, faded and scratched metal keychain of the Statue of Liberty. "It's quiet. Not many people, soft lighting, and a very nice waitress." She described the place as if it were a regular haunt, and the blonde couldn't resist mentioning it as they left the apartment.
-“Are you sure we’re going there for the peace and quiet and not for the pretty barista?”
-“That’s not what I said!” the brunette exclaimed, almost horrified, slamming the door. “I mean,” Kate added more calmly, inserting her key into the lock of her front door and double-locking it. “She’s pretty, but that’s not the point.” She clipped the carabiner fob to one of the belt loops of her jeans. “We can go somewhere else if you want.”
-“No, that’s perfectly fine with me, unless they don’t have vodka,” Yelena smiled, following the other woman outside the building.
-“They do have vodka, I checked.” She had literally asked that “pretty barista” the day before, with her luck, and the probability that the one day she would have invited Yelena over, they would be out of stock.
Yelena nodded, satisfied. She wasn’t yet sure what was considered “intrusive” so asking more questions wasn’t in her plans.
Silence fell between them. Kate tried her best to focus on the sounds of passersby's conversations, the hum of traffic, and the metallic clinking of her keys with every step she took. Beside her, Yelena seemed peaceful. The Widow wasn't complicated, despite what many liked to think. She looked everywhere and nowhere at the same time, lingering on details no one else had ever noticed, like the slight discoloration of a cobblestone, a bird's nest in the street across from the young heroine's apartment, or the latest graff on the shutters of the clothing store at the end of the street.
Small details, but if you look closely, if you look beyond them; this simple stone, these birds, and this dripping paint are demonstrations that life moves forward, evolves, and improves. Everything is constantly changing; when things get damaged, break, crumble, or are lost, we start again, replace, cover, or rebuild.
Life is something perpetual.
That's why Yelena has faith. She will eventually grieve, forgive herself for all the harm she's caused, and above all, she will take control of her life again, climb back up, and one day think, "I'm happy to be alive and to be living the life I'm living."
For the moment, she has a drink to go have with the woman who seems to be the small detail that allows her to move forward in life.
…