Chapter Text
SEPTEMBER 18th 2023
SHANE’s POV
September was killing Shane. It was moving so slowly and Shane hated it. Usually he was excited about going back to the rink with his second family and putting all of his efforts into his job.
But not this time.
He was physically drained.
Yes. Shane Hollander, who never catches anything in the world, was physically draining.
And didn’t know why. Which was killing him twice—well his mind tried to find possibilities and applied them to every situation lately.
For the nausea, he decided to blame it on the migraines he was having, almost everyday. Also, decided to blame the same migraines due to stress for the upcoming season and maybe for the upcoming pregnancy.
For the constant pee—more than breathing at this point— he decided to blame the fact he was introducing more water. Even though he wasn’t. But still decided to convince himself.
For the fatigue, it was simple, basic stress.
For the fact he was horny 100% of the time he decided to blame Ilya. He was so beautiful, he always had been handsome but there was something that made even more handsome.
For the dog he was seeing chasing a squirrel in an undefined place, he didn’t quite know what to blame.
Dog chasing a squirrel? Undefined place? What the actual fuck?
Oh. It’s a dream— Shane thought to himself. He has been having the craziest dreams lately. Some were really nonsense but others? Fuck they were deep. Going from dogs or any other animals chasing stuff to Irina—Ilya’s mom.
He has been dreaming about her a lot.
She had beautiful long golden curls and had these crazy high russian fashion clothes—but never a face. Every time he tried to look at her, something strange would happen, he would wake up. Like some kind of force was telling him not to cross that line, like they were keeping him safe maybe? Or maybe it was the fact he didn’t have any memory related to her?
He saw pictures of her. He memorized her. Still nothing.
Back to square one. Dog chasing squirrel, so he was asleep? He had been sleeping a lot, honestly strange but maybe for the best.
Wait.
Where was he sleeping?
It wasn’t home, he was sure. It wasn’t either a sofa or a mattress because; it was so hard against his side. So where was he sleeping?
Then a soft touch made him flinch and finally he was able to open his eyes. It was Barrett. Troy Berret.
“You okay?” he asked sincerely, at the sight of Shane’s body simply lying there—and probably by the round black circles around his eyes.
Finally he was able to connect the dots. He was inside the locker room. On one of the benches. Inside the locker room on one of the benches. Fuck.
He fell asleep before practice—he thought.
“Oh shit. I’m so sorry. I don't know what got into me. Let’s go to the rink so we don’t miss practice” he apologized, getting himself off of that bench—his vision blurred out as he was now standing on his two feet.
He saw Troy’s face change into something else. Compassion. He was compassionate towards Shane, and he hated it.
“About that,” he started.
“Practice is over. We didn’t want to wake you, especially Roz. He said he didn’t want you to be exhausted and to give you some time. Now he is taking a shower and asked me to come wake you up, the other guys have already left. I am waiting on—uhm—Harris”
Oh.
Oh.
He slept through practice. For the first time in his life. He slept through practice. Fuck, that’s was embarrassing but Shane couldn’t catch up with the embarrassment. What could he possibly blame this on? Falling asleep at practice? Nothing there was nothing.
So was he really dying or—
Oh shit. Oh shit.
A little smile creeped away from his face. He was supposed to be angry at Ilya for letting him sleep and losing practice but he wasn’t.
He was pretty excited instead. All these symptoms maybe could indicate that. Maybe he was finally pregnant—again. And maybe this time they were actually going to have a baby and not just a painful memory.
“You good?” Troy asked confused, not knowing what was going on in the other man's brain and not understanding why he was now smiling.
Shane was brought back—roughly—to reality by that question.
“Uhm—Yeah. Sorry. Uhm—If you need to go you can. Ilya will be back any minute now.”
“You sure?”
“Yes, I am super sure”
As he got the confirmation by Shane himself Troy awkwardly dismissed himself and basically ran towards Harris office.
Troy was a pretty nice guy, maybe at first it was kinda awkward between the two of them—and still was sometimes— but in the end he saw himself in some of his fears and more. He was so proud of Troy for being able to come out on his own terms and so jealous yet.
“Shane” a worried voice said from across the room, more specifically directly from the shower stall.
It was his husband. His Ilya.
He was basically naked and with just a towel wrapped around his waist. His beautiful curls were flat and wet—so wet he couldn’t see the blonde anymore. Little drops of water were still falling from his chest. He looked like one of the Calvin Klein’s commercials and that was alternating Shane’s mind.
“I am so sorry I let you sleep in. I should have woke you but—”
“Ilya”
“But you were sleeping so peacefully and you’ve been feeling so unwell lately-”
“Ilya.”
“I get if you are pissed at me. I should have respected your wishes—”
“Ilya!”
By the time he got the third Ilya out of his chest he carefully took some steps and faced his husband closely. He left a gentle kiss on his lips and reassured with such a simple gesture.
“It’s okay. You did great, baby” he stated softly, pulling from the kiss and burying his face into Ilya’s neck. Making his own clothes wet and feeling a little cold—he loved feeling that cold into his husband's body.
For a brief moment there was just silence. Like home.
“We might need to stop at the pharmacy on our way back” he murmured softly into his husband's skin, he smelled nicely like ginseng. It must have been the new body wash he had bought specifically for showers in the locker room.
“Why?” his husband asked softly, not daring to pull him away.
Shane gathered all his excitement with his grin widening by what he was about to say.
“To buy the test” he said, trying to find his husband’s gaze.
Ilya’s eyes widened and his hands pulled away Shane from his husband. His face turned to face him eye to eye, a smile popped on his face.
“Seriously?”
“I think so. All the symptoms lead up to that.”
Before he could even process what he just had said he was pulled in a strong embrace by his husband. It was beautiful. He was going to be such a good dad.
He couldn’t have chosen a better father for his children. Their children. Shane was happy and he knew.
He pulled out from the embrace for a sweet minute just to get things straight before any of them got too excited.
“Please,” he started, before continuing as he had to swallow a bunch of saliva that accidentally formed into his mouth.
“Just know it could be negative. So please don’t get too excited and please don’t get too disappointed…”
Ilya's face changed quickly and gave him a reassuring smile.
“No matter the result, Shane, the only thing I'll keep doing is loving you” he whispered to Shane, like they were in a room full of people even if they were alone—like it was meant just for him.
Shit that man. That man may have looked tough on the outside, the typical tough Russian dude who had no emotion, but on the inside Ilya was much more than that. He was the best soul in the whole world and it was unfair to think about how much pain he had been through.
If time machines were a real thing Shane would have done anything in his power to make Ilya’s life less painful, to make him experience a true childhood and to lift the restless heavy feeling in his chest. But he couldn’t. He fucking couldn’t.
Next thing Shane could recall was the warm feeling of tears falling from his eyes. He wasn’t an emotional guy, he cried at serious moments or when he was just so overwhelmed and couldn’t take it anymore. It wasn’t even such a serious answer due to the fact that Ilya showed his love on a regular basis but still managed to let that man’s tears slide down, like a skying competition.
“Oh, Shanya, don’t cry! What do you call it? Mood changes?” he teased, his fingers slightly moving across Shane’s underline—trying to get the tears away from his eyes.
“Shut up! First it’s mood swings and second it’s not true!” he answered playfully, slapping away his hands from his face.
“Mood swings! I’ll take note”
Asshole.
His asshole.
His beautiful asshole.
An asshole which he was building a family with.
~.~.~
It took fifteen minutes to convince Ilya to dry his hair or at least get most of the water out of them. Ilya had the most precise rituals when it comes to his hair but those rituals were torn apart when he was too excited or exhausted.
And another fifteen to get to the pharmacy near their house. And it felt like an eternity.
Shane was usually the driver and Ilya just liked to play ‘passenger prince’—a term that he never understood and didn’t want to look forward to—but not that day.
That day once they were in the parking lot, next to the rink, Shane carefully slipped in the passenger seat without saying a single word. Before his husband started the engine he demanded multiple kisses just to have Ilya’s presence onto his body, just to know he wasn’t alone.
During their drive Shane mostly—repeatedly—told Ilya that if the test was negative they were going to keep on trying, trying to convince himself that it was going to be fine. But was he? Fuck he didn’t know. Not at that moment.
Finally the car stopped in a parking lot in front of a small building with a sign that made it inevitably clear where they were: “Rexall, Drugstore”.
“Do you want me to go?” Ilya asked softly, his face turning to look at his man—just moments after he took the keys out the ignition.
“Yes, please. I am not running away but I am feeling sick and-” Shane spitted out his answer, though he didn’t have time to finish it because Ilya’s voice came quicker
“You don’t owe me an explanation. I’ve asked and you answered. Simple, da?”
Da, simple.
Was it actually simple?
What if it was negative?
What if despite all the reassurances Ilya would be disappointed?
What if it turns out to be positive but he loses it again?
Shane's mind was racing somewhere else, somewhere far. Far from that pharmacy and far from his husband. Too far. Too far he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to bring it back.
While Shane was trying to find a way to get his mind back inside of him, inside of the moment, a warm sensation thankfully brought it back. Lips. Touch. Someone.
A kiss. A kiss by—maybe—the father of his baby. After that gesture they exchanged glances for a few seconds before Ilya walked out of the car leaving him alone.
Alone.
“Physically. Remember, Shane, physically”
His mind kept on spinning the same two sentences, the same four words and the same thirty-six letters. All over again. For at least five minutes.
Five minutes where he completely spaced out looking at the building right in front of him, waiting. Desperately. Waiting.
Then suddenly the car door opened, his husband was back. Back with the most important object of their life.
“I bought four different ones. Two digitals and two regulars ” Ilya stated proudly but nervously at the same time, he handed over the little gray back who contained them.
Shane hesitated. Before taking the bag he looked up to see two beautiful teal tinted eyes looking at him, reassuring him, loving him and telling him to go for it. Looking down again he finally took the bag and looked inside.
Four boxes. Four little boxes with the same thing written on them. Four boxes that were going to write his future somehow.
“Tomorrow morning then?” Ilya asked, eyes fixed on Shane’s hands on the bag.
“Tomorrow morning” Shane confirmed, still looking at the boxes afraid to let his guard down.
The next day was about to completely change their life’s course—in better or maybe a little worse.
~.~.~
SEPTEMBER 19th 2023
SHANE’s POV
He waited that moment for an amount of time that was indescribable—like forever. He filled the waiting by making ‘shitty meals'—as Ilya would say—found on Instagram, cleaned every inch of the house and lost his mind by looking at every hockey documentary he could find.
He wasn’t sure how but he managed to sleep through the night—almost the entire night. The alarm went off at 5:45 AM, it was quick and intense, and as soon as Shane heard that awful sound he knew what he had to do.
Bathroom.
Vomit—not totally sure.
Wash his face.
Piss in a cup.
Take the tests.
Easy. It was a pretty basic and easy plan that thankfully Shane’s brain created in a small amount of time.
He carefully got out of bed, turned the alarm off and glanced over the other side of the bed. His husband was asleep peacefully, like that diabolic sound didn’t exist and like they weren’t about to take the most important test of their life. Most likely due to the fact he didn’t sleep that night—Shane was sure.
How was he so sure?
Well, there were many signs. Like the fact Ilya’s phone wasn’t charging and he always did—except when it was too late, so he would start not functioning properly.
Another sign was his clothes, he wasn't wearing only his boxers—no— he was wearing an adidas tracksuit. The same he was wearing the day prior.
But admiring his handsome husband asleep didn’t last long because saliva started to form in an unnatural way, he was about to vomit. With a quick pace he got himself in the bathroom, carefully locked the door—to try to isolate the awful noises he was about to make—and then kneeled down facing the toilet.
All the saliva in his mouth formed something else, something that had travelled from his throat and as soon as he was facing towards the only place that something could leave his mouth he let it go.
He vomited basically saliva mixed with other substances that came from his stomach. He didn’t want to know which or how, he just wanted to know if the cause of all was actually worth it and not a stupid illness.
He stayed still in the same position for about, at least, fifteen minutes. Then forced himself to get up and brush his teeth, since the taste in his mouth was so bad he was starting to gag again.
He needed to take those tests or he was about to go crazy.
The plan in his head was completely fucked since he just decided to pee directly on the tests, each one of the them. At first he thought that it was stupid since he didn’t think he body could produce that much pee, but somehow it ended up working.
Quickly he almost shoved them faced down in the sink and got quietly back into his bedroom to get his phone. His hands moved themselves, almost as they were possessed, finding his phone.
Ilya was still asleep and Shane didn’t want to wake him, he wanted him to be there for the ‘big reveal’ but he couldn’t just imagine the night Ilya had. And Ilya’s nights when he couldn’t sleep were intense—no man in the world could ever get through them, in Shane’s mind.
So he just let him sleep, peacefully, and would wake him immediately if the results were positive.
Finally his hands found the phone and he could quickly walk back into the bathroom. Once there he locked himself again and started a timer to his phone—to look at those results. Ten minutes, since he wanted to look at each of them at the same time.
The mirror in front of him called his name and Shane didn’t know any better so he simply looked. Looking at himself his left hand gently started to move towards his lower stomach and rested there.
“Hey, I really hope you are in there” he whispered, rubbing his thumb and looking directly down towards his stomach.
“And…I hope you don’t go away. I want you to stay, okay? Nine months…If you get too bored I'll be down for eight but—but whenever you’re ready, okay?” he pleads, still brushing his thumb gently through the soft tissue of his skin.
“You, me and your dad will make a good team. I promise. But-” his voice cracked at the last word.
“But don’t leave”
Shane’s mind was now racing with million thoughts and millions of more things he could tell, tell to someone he wasn’t even sure was there.
Shane needed control so he started to think, trying to find a happy memory. Suddenly a question hit his brain.
If he was pregnant, when was the baby conceived?
Oh.
Shane already knew the answer to that. At least he wondered and gave himself an answer.
August 22nd. August 22nd was the day Shane Hollander believed the magic could have happened.
~.~.~
AUGUST 22nd 2023
SHANE’s POV
What a fucking night, Shane thought in the back of his head. It had been exactly a month since he got the first positive ovulation test and when they had failed conceiving. Shane knew it was normal and had a lovely conversation with his therapist about how this doesn’t define the future or his relationship—still it felt heavy in his chest.
He got another positive test the day before so he knew there were other possibilities of making their plans real.
It didn’t end there.
Not yet.
They were going home after dinner and Shane felt it. He felt the annoying—yet so hot—sensation of needing that kid inside of him at that moment.
That exact moment.
Maybe it came from the tiredness of waiting,or maybe it was just the fact that his husband was wearing that gray Champions sleeveless hoodie that matched his gray Champions shorts. Plus, his curls were incredibly defined that day, and his light stubble on his face didn’t help.
Fucking handsome—Shane kept on thinking.
Thankfully, though, Shane wasn’t the one driving. Because if he was he would have probably stopped that goddamn car and would have sex with Ilya—there.
“Are you trying to kill me by any chance?” Shane murmured, as the uncontrollable feeling that began in his chest was now expending everywhere.
“What! I am going super slow…” Ilya answered with an attitude, not understanding what Shane meant.
“No! I meant your clothes…It’s…”
“It’s bad?”
“No! No…It’s..”
“Stupid?”
“It’s super hot and I want that baby inside of me, asshole” Shane spitted out, with a bitchy tone.
The mood switched with that simple sentence. Ilya let out a cheeky laugh and his hands switched from the steering wheel to Shane’s thigh quickly.
“Ah! Are you horny?” Ilya teased, he was totally down for whatever activity they were about to do once home.
“Ilya” Shane warned, fully tense and impatient wanting his husband there—in that exact moment.
“Shane. Are you horny?” Ilya teased again, not letting the mood ease.
“Yes! I am fucking horny so please let’s go home and…” Shane answered, he was irritated yet so he needed his husband.
“And put a baby in you?”
“And put a baby in me”
Once home, the car was roughly parked in the driveway before Shane literally jumped on Ilya. Leaving multiple kisses along his neck while his left hand slipped beneath his pants, immediately reaching for his husband’s penis.
“Shane…Can we at least get inside?” Ilya asked in a husky, breathless voice.
Shane stepped away quickly from what he was doing to open the front door, to let both of them inside of the house.
As they finally walked inside and after Ilya carefully locked the front door, the fun that began outside started again inside.
Ilya drew Shane closer to him, making their tongues have sex even before they did.
They kept the motion until they clumsily walked towards the sofa, in their living room. Once there he softly pushed Shane into the sofa, his back carefully pressed onto the softness of the cushion around him.
“Pull down your pants, please” Ilya ordered, voice tense but controlled.
So he did. He let the soft fabric slip through his thighs then proceeded to pull out his boxers too. He was basically naked,the only thing left on his body was his shirt, and hard—really hard.
“Fuck, Hollander. You really want this baby, huh?” his husband whispered, as he was about to remove his own pants.
At the sight of Ilya removing his pants, Shane automatically removed his shirt and shifted forward, already gripping into the cushion in front of him, knowing damn well what was about to happen.
He could hear Ilya removing the last bit of his clothes and the lube he was about to apply on his dick. The magic was about to start.
Suddenly he felt something, a finger. Maybe two. Inside of him. Deep inside of him. Ilya’s fingers. Inside of his ass.
“Is alright?” Ilya blurted out, as his hands continued to navigate through Shane’s hole.
“More” he pleaded, as his hands were now fully buried into the cushions—like he was about to break them.
“Not yet. I don’t want to hurt you after”
His husband kept massaging his hole making irregular moves, moving from slow, steady motions to faster ones in a heartbeat, making everything feel perfect . Making him moan and cuss at the same time, that made everything perfect.
Fuck. It’s all I want. All I dreamed of. Everything.
Then something switched in everything that was happening.
His hole was not filled with Ilya’s finger anymore but with something else. His dick. Ilya’s perfect dick was inside of him. When he noticed Shane gasped loudly. Ilya’s dick started by moving slowly into Shane’s hole.
“Still alright?” Ilya asked out of breath, he was moving forward to get more close to his ear.
“P—Fuck, Perfect” Shane replied quickly, moaning as he could feel his husband basically in stomach now.
move quicker, as he tried to bite back every moan that was forming in his mouth. While Shane cried out his name, hands still fully glued to the cushions. When Ilya saw that, he decided to take one of his hands—the same hands that were gripping tightly onto Shane—and grab Shane’s.
As he would go harder inside, Ilya would often leave kisses among his spine and ask him if it was still fine. Shane, of course, at that gesture couldn’t answer as he was to focus on the goal or maybe as he was too busy making loud noises.
Mostly moans. And Shane hated doing that. But when he felt Ilya, he didn’t care. When he felt his man he could only think about how perfect he was, how perfect was the thing they were doing.
After a while Ilya came. He came into Shans. Perfect. Fucking perfect.
Ilya’s cum was warm inside of him and maybe that night something magical could have happened. Maybe they really would become parents after that. Maybe he could have started to worry less and enjoy more.
Their breathing both steadied as Ilya pulled out and let his forehead slide out into Shane’s back.
“Is everything alright?” Ilya asked, trying to find his husband’s glaze.
“Perfect, baby. But we made a mess on the sofa..” he responded softly, getting himself comfortable.
“Fuck the stupid sofa!”
That made Shane laugh. That was Shane’s everything. Them and that—now—messy sofa they were lying on.
~.~.~
SEPTEMBER 19th 2023
SHANE’s POV
Shane’s alarm went off. Bring him back to reality.
Home. Test. Wake up.
He found his hand still rested upon his stomach and felt disgusted by what he just remembered and by what he was thinking about.
While he was waiting for the results that were going to announce if their sweet baby was on the way he thought about sex? Honestly disgusting. Yet so beautiful because that could have been the beginning of something, something so beautiful Shane couldn’t express with words.
Back to what he needed to do.
He stopped the alarm, cussing himself out as that could have woken Ilya.
As he stopped the alarm, Shane stopped too.
He was about to look.
Look at the most important things in his life.
He looked up as he his hands rolled the little tests facing the right side, with the results finally showing.
It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.
After about five minutes staring at the ceiling Shane looked down.
What he saw changed him completely.