Chapter Text
“Stop saying that!” Ray yelled. “I need you too! You have to stop sacrificing yourself for me!”
“Why?” Ryan retorted, feeling his anger rise with his voice. “It’s my choice!”
“Well maybe it shouldn’t be!!!!” Ray screamed, eyes screwed shut in anger. There was a moment where the world froze and Ray had yet realize what he had said. But then he opened his eyes and the world melted. He wanted to take the words back. He wanted to say anything, but all he could do was stare at Ryan, waiting. It seemed as if the whole world had stopped; that the air had stopped moving and the dust had settled in a heartbeat. They were all waiting for what Ryan would say, for how angry he would be.
Ryan let out a shuddering breath, and the world started again at a breakneck speed, and yet Ray was still frozen, watching the world fly past; watching Ryan. The gent opened his mouth to speak, but closed it in less than a second. Ray couldn’t do anything as he saw the way Ryan stood just a bit straighter and how his hands had started to travel behind his back. He was forced to look at the tears that glossed over Ryan’s eyes. He wanted to look away or say anything to apologize, but he was stuck staring at Ryan’s eyes.
He could only gape at the sheer terror in Ryan’s eyes.
And then the man was gone, running out of the room with a childlike fear. Ray felt his insides crumbling and rotting, and he was finally able to move again. He sprinted after Ryan, the gent’s name already falling from his lips, but he was too late. By the time he was out of the room, the front door had already swung shut.
Ryan was gone. Ryan had run away from him, afraid . The realization dawned on him that he must have reminded Ryan of Masters, and he felt sick. Panic was pounding against his head and he couldn’t think. All he could see was the way Ryan looked scared of him. He was terrified, horrified, frightened, and above all else though, Ryan was scared . Ray ran to the kitchen sink just in time to catch the vomit. Ryan’s fear was childlike. Just pure fear.
“What the fuck is wrong with you!” Ray could barely hear what had been said, but by the tone it was probably Michael. He lifted his head to look at his friends, wiping vomit from the corner of his mouth. They looked horrified by what he had said, and suddenly he could hear everything too perfectly.
“What?”
“I said, what the fuck is wrong with you!” Jack yelled.
What he had said was so unthinkable that not even Michael could get angry. Only Jack could get angry, like a protective mama bear. Ray had never heard Jack say anything like that to one of them, at least not seriously.
“I don’t know,” Ray breathed out, feeling tears prick the corners of his eyes. No . He shook his head. He wasn’t the one who deserved to cry. He wasn’t the one who had been attacked in the worst way possible. He was the one who attacked.
The silence in the penthouse was heavy and filled with traps that would kill anyone who got caught in them. It was long and stretched, allowing plenty of space for frenzied thoughts that moved at a snail’s pace. No one wanted to break it, because then what had happened would have to be real. They were waiting to find out who would be strong enough to try to handle this .
“We have to find him,” Gavin’s voice was quiet, but it was the loudest thing Ray had ever heard. It should have been him who was ready to help Ryan. He was the last one to say anything, the last one to move. He stood over that sink filled with his vomit, as his crewmates got to work, for thirty-two minutes.
He just didn’t want it to be real. He didn’t want it to have been him who did it.
“It’s my choice!”
“Well maybe it shouldn’t be!!!!”
Ryan didn’t hear what Ray said at first. It was as if his body had heard it before him, and already spiraled into panic. He couldn’t tell whether his heart was pounding wildly, or holding completely still. The edges of his vision started to fade, and the only thing he could hear was television static. Then it hit him like a frieght train. He probably should have said something, but he couldn’t figure out what to say. He couldn’t decide .
And suddenly he was back in Sir’s office, standing at attention on that one stain on the carpet, waiting for Sir to reach down his throat and pluck his vocal chords like a violin.
Just as suddenly as he had left, Ryan was back. He was standing in front of Ray, who was breathing heavy from shouting. He wanted something to happen. He wanted Ray to do something so he didn’t have to, but Ray was just staring at him.
Suddenly he was in front of Sir again, but this time he was on the penthouse’s balcony, towering over Ryan. He pulled out a thorn and cut out Ryan’s tongue, tossing it off the balcony for some other guard dog to eat.
Then he blinked and he was in front of Ray again, and he couldn’t think. He couldn’t talk. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t decide! He could feel the tears as they formed, and all he felt was that same impulse he had when he was twelve years old and allowed off the estate for the first time. He had to get away. He felt the impulse to run, and this time he did. He ran out the room, and past the rest of the crew. He was out of the penthouse before anyone could blink, and he didn’t stop running.
He wasn’t thinking. He just ran away. For a brief moment he considered that maybe he shouldn’t have left, but the thought was banished along with the rest of them. If he thought than he would have to see Ray screaming again. He would have to decide what to do, but he couldn’t remember how to decide.
He ran until he couldn’t. He ran until he reached the beach and the ocean soaked into his pant cuffs. His lungs burned and his legs wobbled. Then his knees gave out and he was sitting in the tide. Suddenly all his thoughts came rushing back and he wanted to scream.
You should have stayed. You should have talked. You should have yelled. You should go back. You should leave, You should go back and then leave. You should. You should. You should!
He needed to grasp onto one thought and let the others go.
He remembered the first time he had ever been to the beach. It was in the Caribbean. The sun was warm and the water was the prettiest thing he had ever seen. He killed “The Man in Red Sunglasses and Yellow Shorts”. His blood stained his shorts red, and Ryan thought it was the funniest thing. He was fifteen. It would be three years before he would return to the beach, but it would still be for the same reason. To kill the new “Man in Red Sunglasses and Yellow Shorts.”
Ryan didn’t want to think anymore. He let the cold water soak through his pants until all he could hear was the current of the ocean and all he could see was the foam on the waves. All he could think, was gone.
It took the crew four hours to find Ryan. Gavin looked through every security camera he could, but they didn’t see any sign of Ryan. Eventually Jeremy realized he hadn’t taken a car at all. They went back through all the footage of every camera, but they only got glimpses of a blur. It wasn’t enough. When Ray finally snapped out of it, he came up with every place he could think of that Ryan might go to. They started at the top of the list and made their way down. Luckily Ryan was close enough to the pier that Geoff could easily spot him from the ferris wheel while the others scoured every inch of the pier.
When they finally got on the beach, no one moved. What were they supposed to do and say? Normally Ray would be the one to go talk to him, but the lad had trouble looking at Ryan without the guilt pushing up his throat. They all stared at his back waiting for one of them to make a decision.
“Go talk to him Jack,” Michael broke the silence, shrugging when everyone turned to him. “You’re the closest thing to a mom that we’ve got.”
“Okay,” Jack nodded, taking a deep breath as he approached. He didn’t want to startle the other gent, so he paused a few feet away. “Hey Ryan. It’s me. Jack.”
When he got no answer, Jack cautiously went to sit next to Ryan. He was getting his clothes wet too, but he just wanted to help Ryan. When he looked at his friend, Jack saw that Ryan was smiling, eyes closed.
“Ryan?” Jack put a gentle hand on Ryan’s shoulder. The moment Jack touched him, Ryan whipped his head to the side so fast that Jack almost fell over. For a moment Jack saw no recognition in his eyes, but then Ryan smiled again.
“Hey Jack,” He turned back to look out over the ocean. Jack was baffled. Ryan had been a lot of things, but he had never been like this. It was as if he was a kid refusing to believe that his parents were getting divorced as he sat in the courtroom.
“Do you-” Jack hesitated for a second. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Talk about what Jack?” Ryan’s smile shrank minutely, and he glanced at Jack from the corner of his eye.
“About what Ray said,” Jack ventured. Ryan looked at him for a second before closing his eyes and turning his head upwards. Jack waited, but Ryan didn’t say anything else. Eventually, he gave up and walked back to the crew. They all looked at him expectantly, but he just shrugged.
“He didn’t say anything,” Jack explained. “When I asked him if he wanted to talk it was if he had no idea what I was talking about.”
“He’s in denial?” Gavin asked, looking at Ryan’s back. Ray’s eyes widened as he turned to look at his partner’s back.
“I guess. Michael, why don’t you see if you can get anything out of him?” Jack suggested, running a tired hand over his beard.
“Why me?” Michael asked. “I’m not like you. I don’t know how to handle this kind of stuff.”
“Maybe that’s what he needs,” Jack muttered. “Maybe he doesn’t need mom.”
Michael just shrugged after a moment and walked down the beach. He stopped next to Ryan, and looked down. The gent was still faced upward, but this time his eyes were open. He flicked them over to Michael, but looked back to the sky.
“I’m not sitting in the water,” Michael gruffed, kicking some of the tide as it came up. “I just got these pants.”
“Hi Michael,” Ryan smiled up at the lad. Michael grinned down at him, then leant over to pat his shoulder.
“So, how’re you doing?” He asked, and it was obvious he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to ask that. Ryan was silent for a long time, but right before Michael was going to turn back, he sighed.
“I was so angry,” He muttered, running his fingers through the water.
“Goddammit,” Michael groaned, kneeling down next to Ryan. “If my pants get soaked, just remember it’s your fault.”
Ryan watched as Michael situated himself before the lad continued, “Do you want to talk about it? How angry you were? Or are? Or whatever?”
Ryan sighed, closing his hand into a fist through the water, “I’ve never really been that angry before. I mean I was at Masters I guess, but that’s different y’know?”
Ryan glanced at Michael in time to see the lad nod, “Oh. Uh, yeah. I do actually.”
“And sitting here I got so angry at him that I never wanted to go back,” Ryan glared down at his fist, still submerged in water.
“Ray, you mean?” Michael clarified.
“You heard what he said,” Ryan’s voice started to sound bitter. “Like fuck it isn’t my choice!”
“I don’t think he really meant it that way. Maybe,” Michael put his hands on Ryan’s shoulders in an odd hug. “I’m not good at this alright. You should just talk to Ray and get this sorted out.”
Ryan narrowed his eyes at Michael but then looked back down at his fist. Michael waited to see if he had anything else to say, or if he was going to move, but nothing happened. With a sigh, Michael rose and made his way back to others and their silent question.
“He talked to me a bit, but-” Michael started explaining but was cut short when Ray turned to him.
“What about?” He asked, a hint of desperation in his voice. Michael winced slightly as he answered.
“About, uh, how angry he was at you,” Michael paused as Ray visibly deflated before continuing. “But then he just stopped. I don’t know if it was what I said, but he clammed right up.”
“What did you say?” Ray’s voice was laced with dread, as if he didn’t really want to know the answer.
“Well shit Ray,” Michael sighed, exasperated. “I suggested that he just talk it out with you. He just kinda ignored me after.”
There was a silence as Ray stared at the ground, and then Geoff clapped his hands, “I’m going in. If he doesn’t need a mom, maybe he needs a dad.”
Without waiting for the crew’s response to his statement, Geoff walked down the beach with determination in his step. He plopped down right next to Ryan without hesitation, sending water droplets into the air. Ryan was still staring at his closed fist, but he relaxed his hand when he looked over at Geoff.
“What am I going to do?” He asked, “Michael said I should talk to him but…”
“You don’t want to,” Finished Geoff, looking at Ryan with a sympathetic nod.
“What if I go home with him, but we just don’t talk about it?” Ryan asked, looking at Geoff as if is idea could be perfect. Geoff only sighed.
“It doesn’t work like that,” He shook his head. “If you ever want things to be okay, and I mean really okay, you have to talk to Ray.”
Ryan looked at him for a long moment, and then back down at his hand floating on top of the water. The silence was short, because Geoff figured that was as much as he was gonna get. So, with a pat on Ryan’s back, he walked back to the crew, ready to answer the question.
“I got him to talk a little more,” Geoff raised a hand before Ray could interrupt, “about how he doesn’t want to talk about it. He thought maybe you guys could ignore it, but I told him it wouldn’t work out that way. That’s when he started ignoring me.”
Ray sagged and turned away from everyone. Gavin looked between all his friends and wordlessly walked down to Ryan. He walked into the water with loud splashes and planted himself right in front of Ryan. The gent was staring at his hand as he held it underwater, but looked up at Gavin, startled.
“Hey Rye-bread,” Gavin grinned. Ryan smiled softly.
“Hey Gav.”
“I heard you started ignoring everyone when they said something you didn’t like,” Gavin mentioned, waving away Ryan’s defense. “So I’m gonna say a lot of things you don’t want to hear. Like this one time when I was hitting a gas station with Michael…”
Gavin rambled on and on for at least fifteen minutes, and Ryan listened to every bit. He took the words in like he was drowning in them. Then, as Gavin hit a lull trying to think of what to say, Ryan’s shoulders started to shake.
“Ryan?” Gavin questioned, leaning forward so Ryan would look at him. The gent’s eyes were brimmed with tears, and Gavin could see the sadness etched into his face. “It’s your turn to talk now, innit?”
“I’m scared Gavin,” Ryan conceded. “That’s why I don’t want to talk to him.”
“You’re scared of Ray?” Gavin questioned, glancing over Ryan’s shoulder at the crew staring at them.
“No. I’m not scared of him,” Ryan shook his head, and a tear dripped onto his hand. He sniffled as he tried to contain himself, “I’m scared of what will happen.”
“You’re scared of losing Ray?” Gavin asked, watching a few more tears dropped out of Ryan’s lashes.
“Everyday,” Ryan breathed. “He’s everything good in the world- in my world, Gavvy. I need him, but I don’t deserve him.”
“You two need to stop with all this deserving crap,” Gavin rolled his eyes, tugging Ryan into a hug. “Everyone deserves better, because nothing is perfect Rye. You’re not perfect, and Ray certainly isn’t perfect, but I know that he loves you. He loves you a bloody lot Ryan. It’s actually a little gross.”
Ryan wrapped his arms around Gavin, and pressed his face into his shoulder. When he pulled away, Gavin’s shirt had a big damp spot where Ryan’s face had been.
“You going to go talk to him now?” Gavin asked, wiping the dampness off of Ryan’s face, and standing. He offered a hand to Ryan, but the gent hesitated and shook his head, looking down at his hand as it fell back into the water.
Gavin sighed deeply, and walked back to the crew, who waited with bated breath. When he returned there was a long silence before he spoke.
“I did most of the talking at the beginning, but he eventually told me that he’s scared of what might happen when he talks to you,” Gavin looked at Ray briefly, who was staring at the obvious dampness on his shirt. “When I asked if he wanted to talk yet, he just shook his head.”
“Fuck,” Ray breathed, letting his head fall into his hands. “Fuck. He hates me now.”
As everyone turned to console Ray, Jeremy slipped away and walked over to Ryan. He stopped next to him, but didn’t look down. Ryan didn’t look up either, just staring as he pushed his hand into the sand underwater. Jeremy bent over suddenly and fished a rock out of the water.
“Listen, I know that you’re really angry, and hurt, and overwhelmed,” Jeremy flicked his wrist and they both watched the rock skip over the water, “but just because you ignore it doesn’t mean it will go away. It’ll just get worse. It sucks, like a lot, but sometimes you have to do the stuff that scares you, and I mean really terrifies you. So, are you going to talk to him, or what?”
Ryan looked up at Jeremy after a long moment and let out a deep breath. He stood slowly, watching as his hand left the water. Jeremy turned to him with a smile.
“I think I need to talk to Ray,” Ryan said, and Jeremy laughed happily.
“Finally!” He joked, pulling Ryan into a proper hug. “Do you want to come back with me, or do you want me to send Ray down here?”
Ryan looked down at his feet, and the water softly lapping at his ankles, pulling him farther in the water, “Can you ask him to come down here?”
“Of course dude,” Jeremy grinned, and Ryan actually smiled at him. “Just let me go tell him.”
Before Jeremy could jog away, Ryan grabbed his wrist, “Thank you Jeremy.”
Jeremy just smiled and turned away. However, when he halfway between Ryan and the crew he crowed, “Battle Buddies!”
Through his laughter, Ryan couldn’t see the way Ray took off at a sprint before Jeremy even stopped moving, or the way he suddenly slowed as he got close. When Ray cautiously approached him, Ryan had stopped laughing, and the two watched each other carefully.
“Hey Ryan,” Ray sounded like he could burst into tears in a moment’s notice. Ryan’s shoulders sagged and he walked out of the water toward Ray. Silently, he pulled Ray into a hug, wrapping around him as much as he could.
“Uh, what’s goin’ on here Rye?” Ray started. “I thought-”
“Ray,” Ryan interrupted, “for once, can you please just shut up.”
“Rude,” Ray muttered, but pressed his face into Ryan’s chest with an overwhelming sense of relief. When Ryan released him, the lad looked up and asked, “Where do you want to start?”
Ryan took a moment to think about everything that had happened. He furrowed his brow as he thought about what Ray said. It had sounded so familiar, and yet completely different.
“It’s not for you to decide.”
That was Masters.
“It’s not up to you.”
Masters.
“You don’t have a choice.”
Sir.
“Don’t talk back. My decision is final.”
Sir.
“I said don’t talk back! You don’t have the right.”
Sir.
“Yes Sir.”
Vagabond.
“It’s my choice!”
Ryan.
“Well maybe it shouldn’t be!!!!”
…
Ray.
There was a difference there. It was subtle but at the same time monumental. Ryan sighed and took a step back from Ray, locking eyes with the younger man.
“What you said was really fucked up, and, if I’m being honest, the one thing I couldn’t handle,” He declared. Ray’s eyes widened with panic. “It was really fucked up and I couldn’t help but remember all those years with Sir- er, Masters.”
Ray’s eyes widened further and he felt sick again. Talking through the bile rising in his throat, he pleaded, “Fuck Ryan, I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin- I can’t believe- You must hate me. You looked at me, but I could tell you were looking at Masters. Christ, you should have seen yourself Rye. You started standing at attention like in that warehouse, and you just looked so- so scared. And when you ran away it was like- I almost couldn’t believe it was real. I’m so so so sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I’m sorry Ryan. So sorry.”
As Ray’s rambling trailed off, Ryan spoke again, his voice calm, “I’ve never been in a real argument before Ray. I had no idea how to handle, and I sure as hell don’t know how to fix one. I think I’m starting to understand though, and all I can say right now is, you’re different. What you said is different.”
“What do you mean?” Ray asked, confused. Ryan took a breath as he thought, looking upward, as if he could see his thoughts floating around him, and he just had to pluck one out of the air.
“What you said did sound a lot like what Masters had drilled into my brain from the moment I was born,” Ryan conceded, watching as Ray’s face crumpled. “ But , at the same time it was nothing like Masters. You did it because you were angry, and not thinking straight. I hope. Masters’ was calculated, and purposeful, and planned. Masters was always definite, precise and unwavering. You, even if it was just a difference of one word, weren’t definite. You didn’t say it’s not my choice, but maybe it shouldn’t be my choice, which it still a really shitty thing to say. It makes it different though, because you aren’t trying to break me, or control me like Masters. You were scared of me getting hurt because you care about me.”
“So,” Ray spoke slowly as he processed Ryan’s words, “it’s not as bad, because I love you?”
“No, that makes it a hundred times worse,” Ryan shook his head, a humorless chuckle seeping out of his nose and Ray felt his heart sink. “But it makes it easier to forgive.”
Ray sighed, nodding slowly as his gaze drifted to the ground. There was a moment of silence and then, very softly, “I am sorry Ryan.”
Ryan felt his heart swell in his throat, and he suddenly realized how much he missed Ray. The lad could keep him grounded, calm, in a way nothing else could. How ironic that the one person who caused him to spiral into an emotional storm was who he usually needed the most during those moments. Ray looked back up just in time to see Ryan’s chest approaching before he was being hugged. He wrapped his arms around Ryan as best he could, listening to his soft breathing. Ryan buried his face in Ray’s hair, pulling him as close as he could.
“Uh, Rye,” Ray croaked. “This is great and all, but you’re starting to squeeze.”
“Oh!” Ryan let Ray out of the embrace, but kept the lad close. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Ray shrugged, the slightest smile on his face as he looked up at Ryan. The gent smiled back and Ray felt a sudden sense of deja vu, “Can I kiss you?”
Ryan chuckled, feeling the same sense of deja vu, “Sure.”
Ray let himself grin before lifting himself up on his toes, and pressing his lips to Ryan’s. The moment was short lived, however, when a sudden cheering broke out. The two turned to the noise to find the whole crew simultaneously cheering, and then simultaneously shushing each other. Ray and Ryan laughed, and started making their way back to their friends.
“Way to go guys,” Jeremy complained loudly. “You ruined the moment!”
“You were yelling just as loud as us asshole,” Michael snarked. Jeremy opened his mouth to argue, but turned with everyone else as Ray and Ryan approached, laughing.
“Hey assholes,” Ryan greeted, starting feeling okay again, surrounded by his family. They would talk about it more, but right then, he knew it would be okay. They would be okay. They always were, weren’t they.