Chapter Text

Chapter 4

Shane stood in the drizzling rain on the smoking patio staring at his phone. As the bouncer had said, there was some protection from umbrellas and heating lamps, but it was still far too cold and wet to comfortably sit without his jacket. For the moment, Shane was warmed primarily by alcohol and nerves. 

“May I join you? I brought you some soda water.” Brooks sad down with two glasses of sparkling water. 

“Yeah… thank you…” Shane said gloomily. 

“You looked like you were enjoying dancing. Did that guy say something to you?”Her tone was that of someone consoling a sad child. 

Shane paused. Staring into his sparkling water, he didn’t know where to start. They already suspected. Maybe this was the opportunity to open up, even a little bit, to someone who definitely would understand. Who wouldn’t judge him. Who, if not in the same boat, was in a similar part of the sea. 

“No. He just looks like my ex. Sort of ex. Like someone I used to… um… hang out with. I don’t know. It ruined the mood.” Shane didn’t know why he said it like that. He and Ilya weren’t ever anything really. They fucked. They weren’t friends. 

Brooks looked a bit shocked and then nodded her head in understanding, as though she had been thinking this was the case, but was still surprised to have it confirmed. 

“Was it serious? You and your ex?” She placed a hand on his back with encouragement. 

“Yes and no. We were hooking up for years. It wasn’t ever more than that. We weren’t exclusive or anything. I know he slept around with other people, but what we had felt kinda special.” 

The walls in his heart were cracked and leaking, and Shane found himself suddenly wanting to spill everything. He didn’t exactly know where this was all coming from, probably the alcohol. But he could feel his eyes getting wet. 

“But then the last time was weird. He was cold, and then he stopped texting me. I don’t know what I did, but it's been like months, and I still have to see him occasionally, and I can’t get over him. And I can’t talk to anyone about it for obvious reasons.” 

Shane motioned to the room and sniffled as the first tear rolled down his face. 

“If anyone finds out, we could get in a lot of trouble. He’s not out either. And it's all one big secret, and I hate it.” 

Stacey wandered over and plopped herself on the bench next to Brooks. “What a fucking dick. Years of your life and he just stopped calling?” Clearly, she caught most of his deceleration. “You want me to call him and bitch him out?”

Shane sniffed and chuckled a bit. “No, it’s fine. What difference would it make now?”

“Girl. You can’t let fuck boys get away with it.” She said, crossing her arms and awkwardly taking a sip from the straw poking out of the vodka and Coke ballanced in the crook of her arm. “If someone treated me like a dick and ghosted me for months, I would give them the fucking business and then drop them. Block 'em. Burn 'em.”

Shane looked down at his phone and looked at the last texts he exchanged with Ilya. He still had “We didn't even kiss” typed in and unsent. 

“He wasn’t so bad.” Shane kept looking at his phone. 

“Let me guess, the sex was fantastic?” Stacey scoffed. 

Brooks kindly put her hand on Shane's arm. “Hollzy. It doesn’t matter how good the sex is. If he wanted to call you, he would. It sounds like it's eating you up. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.” 

“You’re right. I guess.” Shane mumbled into his chest defeated and humiliated.

“Fuck yeah, we are!” Stacey replied while lewdly eating the cherries from her drink. “You deserve better. Say it!” 

“I deserve better,” Shane said meekly. 

“Louder! Like you mean it!” The girls said together. 

“I DESERVE BETTER!” Shane yelled into the patio. Still, he looked down at his still-unlocked screen and wished this had been enough.

Suddenly, the phone was yanked out of his hands by Stacey. 

“Wow!” She said, scrolling back up through the last few texts. Shane was so grateful that he deleted any text with identifying information in it. “This guy is such a bossy dick. I’m going to text him.”

“No, please don’t.” Shane pleaded, but without heart. 

“You - are - such - an - asshole. You - think - you - can - ghost - me - for - 5 - months - and - that's - okay? Fuck - you. And…. Sent” 

Shane wanted to cry. But a part of him, a very drunk part of him, was grateful something had been said. The girls were right. He deserved better. 

“Yeah fuck him,” Shane said bitchily. Wow, he really was starting to slur his words. 

“I can’t believe you did that, Stacey.” Said Brooks, shaking her head. 

“I have no patience for fuck boys. Being gay doesn’t make you a saint.”

“He’s not gay. He likes both.”

“Well then, as one bi bitch to another… bye bitch. Get eraced.”

Then suddenly the phone pinged. 

Lily - I thought you liked it when I am an assole.

“Oh that mother fucker.” Stacey started typing furiously back. 

Shane didn’t know if he wanted to stop this or not. He looked at Brooks who also looked apprehensive, but just shrugged. Shane thought she was accustomed to her teammates' antics. 

“Okay, I’ve written ‘No, seriously. I’m done waiting for you. I deserve better. Goodbye.’ Captain, do I have consent to send?”

“Granted, ma'am,” Shane said, head hanging between his legs. 

“Okay! Con-sent!” Stacey cackled as she dramatically pressed the send button and handed the phone back. The ‘woosh’ felt like a closing door.

Even if this is probably the right move, the thought of never being with Ilya again made him kind of sick. The finality of it. Shane needed to move. Just as he got up, though, the phone pinged again in rapid succession.

Lily - Hollander, are you serious?

Lily - I’m sorry.

Lily - Shane. I’m sorry, please.

Shane read the texts aloud to the group. There was a general consensus that this was kind of pathetic. It actually made Shane feel a bit better knowing it wasn’t just him in this. Being able to show people and see that maybe it wasn’t all just Shane's fault, and that Ilya was behaving badly. 

Then the phone began to ring. 

“Should I answer it?” Shane asked timidly, showing the screen to the group.

“Why does it say Lily? I thought you said it was a guy?” Stacey grabbed Shane’s shoulder and waveringly peered down at the phone with vodka-infused indignation. 

“Come on, Stacey. It’s not like he could be seen romantically texting a guy.” 

“I guess that makes sense. What are you to him? Jasmin?”

“No, he has me as Jane.” Shane couldn’t help but smile as he thought of their names and the graffiti in the bathroom. He looked down at the ringing phone in his hand. He didn’t know if he wanted to answer or not. 

Looking up, he saw Brooks' brow knit together, clearly thinking hard and mouthing “Jane” to herself silently.

Stacey reached over and pressed the answer button and leaned back, giggling. 

“Wait Stacey, no!” Brooks said, reaching for her arm, but it was too late.

“Shane! Are you okay? Why did you send those messages?” Ilya clipped his words like he had been sleeping. Shane realised it was 1am in Boston and he had a game the next morning. But fuck him. 

“I’m fine. I’m better than fine. I’m just now realising that I’m deserving of better than whatever inconsistent bullshit you’ve been giving me.” Shane slurred his reply with as much confidence as he could. ” Shane slurred his reply with as much confidence as he could. 

“Hollander, what brought this up? Wait, are you drunk? Where are you? Are you safe?” Ilya said with an increasing amount of panic in his voice. 

Stacey downed her drink and leaned forward. “He’s the safest he's ever been bitch! He’s out with his girls tonight. I don’t know who you are, but we’re taking him out for someone better. No one ghosts our boy like that and expects to come back like nothing happened.”

Shane couldn’t remember the last time someone other than his mother stood up to someone like this for him. It felt good. He was coming to love these girls very quickly. Was this what having girlfriends was like? 

“Hollander, Shane, we play each other next week. I’m sorry I haven’t talked. I was… I was.. Coward. Let's talk about this. Come by my place.” Ilya sounded genuinely remorseful. 

This was getting too much, too personal. Despite how drunk he was, he was starting to realise that he was exposed. Anyone could see. People already had seen. 

“I can’t go through that again. I can’t.” It was taking every ounce of his strength not to say his name. Not to give him any more away than he already had. “You were selfish and weird with me last time. Then you didn’t return my calls and texts. I fucking loved you and you broke my heart, and I can’t do it again.” 

Shane realised what he said a few seconds after he said it. Fuck when did he start crying? 

“Loved?” Ilya said quietly. 

“Yeah… fine, whatever, yeah.”

“Past tense only?” Shit was Ilya crying too?

“Past tense? I don’t know. Maybe?” Shaned looked to the girls. 

Brook was elbowing Stacey, whispering “Jane” to her, and pointing at Shane. They looked at each other like they were just coming to realise they had miscalculated something. Shane wondered if they had recognised Ilyas' voice. They had met him a few weeks earlier, after all. Stacy’s demeanor was no longer brash and argumentative. Instead, she looked at Brooks with a slightly frightened and sad look on her face.

Still, Stacey leaned forward and said into the phone, “If it was past tense, he wouldn’t still be on the phone.” Her tone was less aggressive and softer than it had been before. “Why are boys so fucking emotionally dumb?” She said under her breath, but still quite loud.

“Who is this person? Why does she speak for you?” Ilya sounded a bit more like his normal cocky self. 

“That’s Stacey. Defense for the Torrent.” Giving his friend a thumbs-up. 

“Oh, God! Are you out with Stacy and Brooks? Did they take you to that gay bar? What’s it called… Pony something?” 

Shane hated how much he liked talking to him right now. He was quickly forgetting why he was mad at him. Oh, right, because Ilya had ghosted him. Because they couldn’t be together in public. 

“Yes, I’m at a gay bar. I think it's called the Sparkle Horse?”

“Is anyone prettier than me? I need to know.”

Shane was trying not to find his concern sweet. Encouraged by Stacey's scowl, he tried not to get wrapped up in this. 

“If there are, it’s none of your business. We’re done.”

With a sigh, Shane hung up the phone.