Chapter Text
The Voyageurs group chat was never very active anymore. It used to be, but sometime in the past few years, the team dynamic shifted. They barely texted, and they hardly ever had team social events. If they did, it was usually JJ or occasionally Hayden organizing.
Which is why it was so unusual to wake up to multiple messages in the chat. JJ wasn't great at texting, he much preferred talking on the phone, but this caught his attention.
What the hell? JJ wondered. He clicked on the link Comeau sent.
Brad Humphery @bhumphrey.27
What the actual fuck? Is that Shane Hollander kissing Ilya Rozanov?
[IMG_2481.MOV]
"No way," JJ said to himself. He clicked on the video.
It was a video of Hayden wishing a happy birthday to a fan. It looked like Hayden was in his trophy room—JJ recognized different trophies that he himself had displayed in a similar room.
Then, in a mirror behind a wall of trophies, Shane and Ilya Rozanov walk into frame. Then Shane leans in and kisses Rozanov.
"What the fuck?" JJ stood up. His stomach dropped as he watched as Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov make out on his phone screen.
JJ thought back to the conversation he had with Shane only a few months ago, when the Centaurs plane had to make an emergency landing.
"Why do you think I keep trying to set you up? Having a crush on a straight man is no good, buddy," JJ had said to Shane that day.
All the times JJ tried to set Shane up and Shane brushed him off. All the times JJ expressed his concern for Shane, how he was worried Shane was lonely, Shane never told him the truth.
JJ didn't know what to think. He felt hurt and betrayed by his teammate, his friend. Why didn't Shane tell him? JJ thought he was comforting him for having an unrequited crush, when in reality, it wasn't unrequited at all! How long had his friend been hiding this from him? Had he been with Rozanov this whole time?
"Sorry, buddy. I'm not saying everyone sees it, but not much gets past me, you know?" JJ felt like an idiot.
And Hayden. Hayden. Did Hayden know? He must, because Shane brought Rozanov to his fucking house! Why would Shane tell Hayden but not JJ? What else did JJ not know?
JJ was shocked, and furious. Why would two of his best friends hide something so major from him? JJ had been nothing but supportive of Shane after he came out to the team! Why didn't Shane trust him?
"It hurts to love someone who can't love you back, and I'm sorry you've been dealing with that. You can always talk to me about it." JJ had said. Shane had looked stricken. JJ had thought Shane was heartbroken, but really, Shane was lying.
Shane lied to him. Shane lied to him because he was sleeping with Ilya fucking Rozanov. JJ watched the video again, disguised. Why Ilya Rozanov? Why would Shane lie to JJ about this asshole?
JJ's head was spinning. He maybe didn't like some of the language the guys were using, but at the same time he couldn't say he wasn't also disgusted by what he had seen. JJ wasn't homophobic, but it was Ilya Rozanov.
Cocksucking Russian. The words echoed in JJ's head. How many times had JJ called him that? All the guys did, except for Shane and maybe Hayden. It's just what hockey players did. That didn't make them homophobic, it's not like he ever meant it. It was a joke. They never actually thought Rozanov was… whatever he is.
It wasn't homophobic, it was just what they did. Shane would have known it was just a joke, or else why would he have come out to them? And JJ stopped saying stuff like that after Shane came out anyway. Shane knew JJ wasn't homophobic.
Suddenly, an incoming call popped up. Shane Hollander. He couldn't do this right now. JJ needed to clear his head, maybe go on a run or something, anything to get out this energy.
Practice was awkward. Shane showed up at the beginning, only to get benched and leave. He did seem apologetic to JJ, but JJ couldn't have that conversation, not right now, not there. He just needed to get on the fucking ice.
The rest of practice was a blur. He was more aggressive than usual, and Coach was obviously in a bad mood. After JJ checked Olsson a little too hard, Coach had them do bag skates for the rest of practice.
When he got back from practice, JJ had two more missed calls from Shane, which he deliberately ignored, and three missed calls from Léa, his sister. He knew she wanted to talk about Hollander and Rozanov—Léa was nothing if not a gossip—and honestly, he needed to vent. He hit redial.
"JJ! Enfoiré!" she answered immediately.
"Bonjour, Léa," JJ grumbled.
"You've been ignoring my calls!" she replied in French.
"I had practice, Léa. Calm down," he sighed, also in French. He slumped over his kitchen counter.
"You had practice? How was it? Was Hollander there?" she asked. JJ's sister was possibly the only person on the planet who liked to talk more than him.
"For a minute. Coach sent him home. He's benched."
"My god. Did you know? About him and Rozanov? Did he tell you?"
"No, I didn't fucking know!" JJ snapped. "He lied to me."
"He lied to you? What do you mean? What did he say?"
"Nothing! He never told me." JJ paced around his kitchen island. He needed to make his post-practice protein shake, but his mind was racing.
"That's not the same as lying," Léa said. "He's allowed to have secrets, you know."
"I know that, but he's supposed to be my friend! Why could he tell Hayden and not me?" JJ didn't know how to explain how betrayed he felt. Instead, he told her about the plane incident, and their conversation after.
"He lied to my face, Léa. I told him he could tell me anything, and he stood there and didn't say anything," he explained.
"He was probably scared. I cannot imagine the team was thrilled when he came out. I'm sure everyone looked at him different."
"But I didn't! I've only been supportive of him."
"Sure, but dating another player is different," Léa argued. JJ didn't understand what she was getting at. "Maybe it's fine to be gay if he does not bring it onto the ice, but to be gay with another player is different."
"Yes, it is!" JJ replied, exasperated. "Rozanov is our opponent. He's Shane's rival."
"That's my point! You're not okay with it."
"Of course I'm not okay with it!" JJ exclaimed. "He's the captain of another team! It's messed up!"
"Why?" Léa asked, growing irritated. "Because he is a man?"
"No!" That wasn't it, it wasn't, but JJ every time he tried to explain, she twisted his words, making it sound different. "It's because it's Rozanov."
"So it would be fine if it was another player? Like if he were to be with say… Troy Barrett?"
JJ's face twisted in disgust. He didn't like the idea of that either.
"I don't know!" he sighed indignantly. "It would be weird."
"There are many female hockey couples," she pointed out. "Do you think that's weird?"
"No, but—"
"So how is it different with Hollander?"
"I don't know! It just is!" JJ huffed.
He knew he wasn't going to win this argument. Léa didn't understand, she wasn't in the locker room. Most of the guys would probably agree. He couldn't even believe Hayden was okay with it.
"Look, I have to go," JJ said.
"You are running away because you know I'm right," Léa said. He could hear the annoying smirk in her voice.
"No. I just need to—" JJ didn't know how to complete that sentence without sounding like an asshole or a coward. In the end, he just sighed. "That's not it."
Léa made an unconvinced noise.
"I'll talk to you later. Love you."
"Love you too, brother. Bisous."
The following days, JJ couldn't stop thinking about the whole situation, and what Léa had said. It had been two days since the confrontation with Shane in the locker room. He needed to speak to Shane, he knew, but he didn't know what to say. He was still upset and hurt.
That afternoon, Shane and Ilya posted on Instagram announcing they had been in a committed relationship for several years, which just added to the hurt and betrayal simmering in JJ's chest. Several years. Shane and Ilya had been in a committed relationship for several years. JJ felt blindsided, but it also added to the gnawing guilt growing underneath his feelings. He didn't understand it—he still didn't think he did anything wrong.
Shortly afterward, Coach sent a message to the team letting them know that Shane would be returning to practice. He should probably speak to Shane before practice tomorrow, but he still so angry and didn't know what to say, so he put it off. He decided to work out instead.
Finally, a little before 10, he knew he couldn't put off talking to Shane any more. He felt like he needed to do this in person, so despite it being late, he drove over to Shane's house. He was still upset, and he needed Shane to know that. He needed to hear why his friend hid this from him for years. He needed to know why Shane lied. He needed to know why he felt so guilty.