Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

"Shit, shit shit!"

"You died!" was displayed on the screen sitting in front of Avery, the fireworks outside his window reflecting reds, yellows, and greens onto his computer. He stared at it, tears beginning to well in the corners of his eyes, his stomach turning in knots. He clicked the respawn button over and over and over and over, but it just stayed frozen on that damned screen. He curled over onto his desk, heavy sobs leaving his body.

Why did it have to be him? That thing wanted me, why did it take him? He thought, tears still spilling onto his desk. D3rlord3 could have done something in life, but Avery was just… Avery. A dumb botany major who couldn't even help the one person who seemed to care about him. He just didn't understand.

As he sobbed into his shaking hands, he suddenly got up to rush to the bathroom. He knelt down onto the cold tile floor, and gripped the sides of the toilet hard enough for his knuckles to turn white. He could feel the vomit bubbling up in his stomach, as saliva started to pool in his mouth.

He spent that night using what little energy he had to puke into his toilet, breath hitching as loud sobs wrecked his body. The fireworks were still being lit at a frequent rate, leaving him shaking even more as each firework reminded him of his grief.

D3rlord3- no, Derek was dead. And all he could do was cry.

Avery used to love fireworks.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════

A few days later, he decided to upload that damned recording onto his YouTube channel. It'd be his last upload for a while. He probably should've sent out at least a message, just something warning his subscribers that he'd be on hiatus from posting, but he really didn't have the energy. He didn't have the energy to do anything, really. He was only even posting the footage in case he missed something, though it wouldn't matter now. He posted the raw 15-hour recording onto his channel, and slumped into his bed.

Winter break would be ending soon, which meant his roommates would be back, and he'd have to start classes again. He really couldn't bear to face anyone right now, but it's not like he could just drop out. His family would be so, so disappointed in him.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════

On the second to last day of break, he could hear the door to his shared dorm unlocking.

"I'm home!" Talia yelled out to the seemingly deserted dorm. "Um. Is anyone else home?" They asked, setting their bags by the door.

Avery could hear them getting closer to his room, dreading the possibility of a conversation. He loved his sibling, but they could often be very overbearing.

"Elias? You home?" They asked, knocking on the door across the hall from Avery's room. "Avie?" They called, finally knocking on his door.

"Hm." He replied, not knowing if he could trust his voice to not crack after being used mainly just to cry over the past few days.

"Oh, so someone is home." Talia muttered. They opened the door to his room, and instead of him being sat in his usual place at his desk, he was curled up on his bed. "Um.. are you okay..?" They asked their brother.

"I dunno." Avery replied flatly, not taking his eyes off his phone.

"Hey. Dude. You know you can talk to me? I know sometimes I'm kind of.. um-" They started, searching for the right word before being cut off.

"I know, I know. It's just- dumb. You wouldn't understand."

"Okay, well I'm not gonna push, I know how that'll turn out." They said, "But do you need anything? We can order takeout if you want. I don't think Elias'll be home till tomorrow."

"I'm okay."

They sighed, and left Avery's room. The door quietly shut behind them, leaving Avery alone once again. Quiet sobs started to leave his body once more, his chest heaving slightly. He didn't want to disturb Talia, especially not after they just got home from being away all break.

A few minutes later, they came back into his room.

"Hey, Avie." They said, their voice soft. "I'm not gonna ask what happened, but just know I'm here if you ever decide you want to talk about it." They offer. They sat down on his bed, handing him a mug of warm milk.

He sat up and took the mug, noticing it was his favorite, the pretty one with intricate flowers painted on the sides. He wrapped his fingers around the mug, feeling the warmth spread through his hands.

"Hug?" They asked, and he just nodded his head. They finally noticed just how tired he looked, tear lines staining his usually bright face, dark eye bags accentuating his under eyes. They leaned over, wrapping one arm around his back and squeezing. He relaxed slightly, for the first time since New Years. He took a sip of the warm milk, and realized how similar this felt to those late nights in his childhood bedroom, when Talia would comfort him as their parents fought downstairs.

The two of them sat there, and after a while Avery's eyelids started to feel heavy. He dozed off, still being held by his older sibling.

What could possibly have happened? Talia wondered, as they carefully moved, taking the mug to the nightstand and laying him down onto his bed.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════

The next morning, Avery woke to quite the ruckus coming from their small living room.

"Elias!"

"Talia!"

Great. While Avery would usually be happy for the dorm to be full again, he really couldn't deal with this right now. He managed to drag himself out of his knot of blankets, and walked the short distance to lock his door. For the first time in what felt like forever, he caught himself staring at his laptop. Derek's laptop.

He's suddenly snapped out of his thoughts by a slow series of knocks on his door.

"Hey, man. Are you okay? Talia told me you seemed off. Can I come in?" Elias was one of Avery's closest friends, but he didn't know if he could face anyone at the moment. Even talking to Talia took a lot out of him.

"No." Avery said, simply. It felt wrong, but it was the truth.

"Oh. Okay. Love you, man." Elias said, and Avery could hear the defeated footsteps walking away from the door.

Avery made his way back to his messy bed, not getting up for another few hours.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════

The world must keep moving, so classes started back up, and Avery was forced to sit through lectures, unable to focus on anything. He couldn't even truly talk to anyone about any of this. It sounds crazy! This guy he knew for a day was given cosmic level infinite knowledge in Minecraft, then proceeded to sacrifice himself? Who the hell would believe him if he said anything?!

He wasn't able to really focus much on class anymore. He used to be a solid B student, getting A's frequently enough, but now? Now he could barely get a C on an assignment.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════

Avery could never really get a good nights sleep after everything. At the beginning, he would wake up almost every night from a nightmare. It would always be about that night, about Derek. About losing him all over again.

The dreams usually started on that stupid platform. Eyes surrounding, watching, waiting for… something. Avery trying to save Derek, convince him he didn't have to sacrifice himself, that there was another way. And Derek pushing Avery, because Avery was naive enough to trust that he wouldn't push him. He'd open the chat to type a question mark, a response to Derek's odd request for Avery to check his inventory, and instead of being able to send the message, he gets pushed. He'd send out an absurd string of letters, attempting to dodge the hit, before falling to the void.

He'd wake up in tears, scared beyond belief, having to relive one of the worst days of his life.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════

Time passed faster than Avery could even notice, and it was suddenly nearing the end of March. It'd been almost four months since he lost Derek, four months of this cycle of barely even existing, just functioning. As he's scrolling his YouTube homepage for something to watch, he stumbled across a familiar looking video, titled "Destroying a World That Doesn't Exist". Where had he seen this? Oh. This looked like the video that helped him find Derek, but it has a red thumbnail, and the video itself is 2 hours long. He clicked it out of curiosity, not sure what to expect, until he nearly broke down once he saw what the video was about. It's the footage from New Years. He forces himself to sit through the video. Why? He himself isn't quite sure. Maybe he really had missed something, and this "Wifies" guy had found it.

Once he got to the end of the video, he saw a letter. From Derek. To him. To Avery. How could he have missed this? He felt terrible, he didn't even get to read the final letter Derek wrote until someone else had to find it for him. He's just such an idiot. He doesn't deserve to still be here. Derek does. If he could take his place, he would. He would a million times over if it meant that Derek got to live his life. He wasn't able to read the letter himself through the tears obscuring his vision. Instead, he had to listen to it be read aloud. That just made it worse. So, so much worse.

At the crossroads, keep going forward.

If anything, Avery was moving back.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════

Avery sat on the floor by his bed, tears streaming down his face, his chest heaving from the sobs. His breathing was uneven, fast paced and desperate. There was a pretty bad storm that night, and the loud cracks of thunder reminded him far too much of fireworks. He couldn't stop thinking about that night. About Derek. How it was his fault Derek was gone. He'd watched that video only a few days ago, and it still lingered in his mind. Avery was just so stupid. If he was smarter, or stronger, or just better, maybe Derek would still be here. Why did it hurt so much? Avery barely even knew him. They had very sparse interaction, but they were still willing to sacrifice themselves for each other. Why?

Avery knew why. Or, at least, he knew why he would've. Derek cared. He cared about Avery more than most of Avery's friends did, even though he barely knew him. Or did he? He had infinite knowledge, so maybe he did know him. Not personally, but he knew him. He knew him and had decided Avery was worth his life.

Avery pulled at his loose curls, wishing everything could just stop hurting. He didn't deserve that, though. He deserved to feel all the pain Derek did. He had to hurt more.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════

The next morning, Avery woke up to a pain in his wrists, blood slightly staining his blanket where his arm had laid. He remembered the night before, the thunder, the tears, the small blade dragging across his skin. It ached, but he felt it was necessary. He needed to feel pain. Not just mentally, but physically. He needed to feel the pain he put Derek through.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════

As the months blur together, Talia and Elias got more and more worried for Avery. He would barely ever leave his room, and when he did, he more often than not didn't say a word to anyone. He even got fired from his job, and Talia had to turn to their girlfriend for help paying for the dorm. He felt terrible not being able to pull his weight around the dorm, but his lack in performance as of late caused the termination. That first night Talia was home was probably the longest interaction he'd had since New Years.

As much as the two trusted him to make the right decisions, they couldn't help but worry that self-isolation wasn't the best option.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════

Avery's phone rang, nearly rattling off the side of his nightstand. He woke up — well, woke up as much as he could. He still hadn't been getting as much sleep as he'd like, but it'd been getting better.

"…Hello?" Avery answered the phone, lack of sleep apparent in his voice.

"Good morning. Is this Avery Harklin?" A tired but warm voice greeted.

"Uh, yeah, that's me." He replied, waking up slightly once hearing his name. "Who're you?"

"I'm Michelle Hutchins. I believe you're friends with my son?" She said.

Avery blinks. What? Hutchins, as in Derek Hutchins, as in the stranger he'd been grieving for the past 5 months? No way this is real.

"If this is a prank or something, then it isn't fucking funny." Avery snapped. He didn't know where the sudden harshness was coming from, but if this is a joke then it's a real insensitive one.

A pause. "No, I'm Derek's mother. He asked me to tell you that he's finally in a good enough state for visitors. If you'd like to visit, you're welcome to."

Avery wasn't sure how to respond. How could he respond?

He started. "Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come off so rude. I- I'd love to visit him."

"Yay!" Michelle said. "It's been so sad seeing him all alone in the hospital, it'll be nice for him to have a friend there." Her voice seemed to be a touch warmer. How long had it been since somebody visited him? "He'll be so happy to hear you're visiting."

Avery's thoughts were able to finally fully catch up. He realized that Derek asked for Avery to be told. Derek wanted him to be there.

"And you can come whenever, it doesn't have to be too soon. I'll send you what you need to know." She added.

"O-okay. Have a good day!" Avery replied.

"You too, honey." She said.

The call ended, and Avery was left to the silence of his room.

He couldn't help the small smile blooming on his face, but with that came a guilty feeling in his stomach. Derek's probably been in the hospital alone the past 6 months, minus his family. Avery's spent his time since New Years doing practically nothing but lying in bed, while he could've spent that time trying to find him.

His thoughts were interrupted by a soft ding on his phone. Michelle had sent a text with the information Avery needed: The address of the hospital and the times it opens and closes at. Along with that information, she also told him to tell her when he was planning on arriving, so she could wait and sign him in. He looked up the hospital on his phone, and saw that it was only a little under an hour away. Derek had been so close to him this entire time, and Avery didn't even know.

Thank god it's the weekend, or else he might've just skipped a day of classes to get over there.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════e

Hm. He should probably take a shower before he leaves. He hadn't showered in a little over a week, so he could definitely use one. It isn't like he didn't want to shower, but he just hadn't had the motivation or energy to do so frequently since it all happened.

Before heading to the bathroom, he picked out his first proper outfit in what felt like forever. From his closet, he grabbed a pair of dark brown corduroy pants and a green hoodie, with a pair of slightly worn white sneakers that had sat under a pile of dirty clothes for god knows how long.

He opened the door to his room, praying he wouldn't disturb Talia or Elias and have to explain why he's up so early. (It was only 8:30. If he didn't have class then he didn't wake up until closer to noon). How was he even supposed to explain his sudden want to leave the dorm? He'll think about that later, he decided.

He slowly crept out of his room, clothes in hand, and slunk into the bathroom, locking the door. The realization hit him as he took his shirt off, that he was meeting Derek. Today. He feels a pit drop in his stomach, and his previous worries came back tenfold. What if Derek doesn't want to see him? It's his fault that Derek even had to take on The King in the first place. What right does he have to see him? He finished getting undressed, and stepped into the small shower.

He took some of Talia's weird mandarin sage body-wash they got from — he assumed — the farmers market a few towns over. He remembered seeing them eyeing this specific scent months ago on a day trip the three of them went on there. After scrubbing his body for what felt like hours, he started on his neglected curls. He's never cared too much about his hair, really only washing it with whatever shampoo and conditioner he had on hand and not doing any extra steps afterwards. And that was not changing today. He wanted to be presentable, yes, but that doesn't mean he's magically gotten his energy back. He reaches for his shampoo that has sat untouched in the back of the shower shelf, tucked behind Talia's millions of hair and body products, and Elias's 4-in-1 body/face/shampoo/conditioner. With how nice Elias's hair was (and undamaged, might he add, after all that bleach), he was surprised at first when he saw the 4-in-1 scrub with the guys name on it.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════

About 10 minutes later, he stepped out of the shower and checked the time. 9:02am. Nice, he had time. But that also meant he had time to think. He started getting dressed, stepping into his pants and pulling his shirt over his head, but as he did so he started thinking again. And with those thoughts came a sickness he hadn't felt since New Years. He rushed over to the toilet (which wasn't very far at all, considering the size of the bathroom), and grabbed onto the sides, feeling like he might vomit. He didn't, considering the fact he'd barely eaten anything as of late, but he did sit there for a minute, dry heaving over the toilet. Tears built up in the corners of his eyes from the physical exertion, using up the small bit of energy his body had.

He heard fast footsteps walking towards the bathroom door, and quickly attempted to get up, not wanting to be seen like this. He stumbled a bit, and worried once he heard the knob twist, but was thankfully reminded the door was locked.

"Talia? Dude get out I needa' piss." Elias said, tiredness evident in his voice.

"Not Talia." Avery muttered, and went over to unlock the door.

"Woah, it's been like forever since you've been up this early. You okay?" Elias asked, coming into view as Avery opened the door.

"Hm..? Oh. Yeah, I'm fine." Avery responded, his voice a bit shaky from almost puking.

"You sure? You don't sound right."

"I'm sure. Can I get past you now? You're kinda blocking the doorway." He said, his patience already running thin. He really hoped he wouldn't snap at Derek or Michelle like that.

Elias moved to the side, making room for Avery to get past. "You goin' somewhere? You're never awake this early." He asked, a hint of concern in his voice.

"Yeah." Avery responded dryly. Wow, his conversational skills had really taken a hit, huh?

"…Are you gonna give any details..?" Elias questioned.

"If I need to I will. I don't need to right now." Avery said, and walked back to his room.

He felt like shit talking to Elias like that. That didn't sound like Avery. He was so… mean. Avery wasn't a mean person. He wasn't supposed to be, at least. He really should've tried harder to talk to people these past months, but he truly just didn't have the energy. He still didn't now, but he'd make do for Derek.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════

Avery sat at the foot of his bed, deciding what he should take with him. He should definitely grab his headphones and portable charger… both of which are dead. He'll need to find a charger.

He rummaged through the drawers of his desk, trying not to get too close to the laptop that ruined his life. He was able to find the chargers he needed, tucked back away in a dusty corner of the drawer. The chargers were plugged in by his bed, and he charged what he needed.

What did he need other than his headphones and charging brick? Maybe a water bottle? He wasn't all too sure. Whatever, he decided, and just finished getting ready.

He grabbed a pair of white socks from his dresser, and pulled them over his feet. On top of his dresser sat a jewelry dish that, much like most of his other belongings, had not been touched in months. He pulled out a necklace he made a few years ago; a smooth purple stone with twine tied around it in an amateurish manner. He still liked it though, and put it on around his neck. Along with that he added a simple silver chain, and some rings to his fingers.

This feels weird, he thought. It had been so long since he'd put effort into his appearance, and he just wasn't used to it. Not wrong. Just weird.

He checked the time. 9:23am. Talia was most likely awake at that point, which meant if he wanted to leave his room he'd have to probably have to talk to them in the communal spaces of their dorm. He'd also just realized he'd have to talk to them either way, seeing as he was planning on borrowing their car. He knew they didn't have work today, so he just had to hope they don't have plans.

He stepped out of his room after figuring out how to explain why he needed to suddenly borrow his siblings car for the day. He wasn't gonna lie or anything, but the full truth probably sounded very unbelievable.

He could already see them standing in the small kitchen of the dorm, cooking something over the stove. Talia has very good hearing, annoyingly good sometimes. Like now, seeing as they turned around as soon as Avery took a quiet step in their direction.

"Avie?" They said, their voice soft. "Whatcha doin' awake already?"

"Oh. Um. I-I need a favor." He said.

"Oh?" Talia questioned, curiosity apparent on their face, no matter how hard they tried to keep a neutral expression.

"I need to borrow your car." He said quietly. This was embarrassing.

They paused what they were doing so they could fully turn to face their younger brother. "…Why?"

"It's… difficult to explain."

"Well. Explain."

"Um, well." He stuttered. There was no need to be nervous, but Talia could be quite scary sometimes, even if it wasn't their intention. "I need to visit a friend. He's in the hospital."

"What?" They asked, slightly surprised.

"He, um, I-I got a call. From his mom. She said he's recovered enough to have visitors." Avery started, sounding like he might cry.

"Oh, Avie…" Talia said. They took a step closer to him, and opened their arms, offering a hug. Surprisingly, he took their offer, and fell into their arms, wrapping his arms around them. "Are you sure you're well enough to go? You've been so down lately." They said, letting him cry slightly into their shoulder.

"Mhm. I think." Avery said, his voice muffled. "I'm feeling better. Kinda."

"..Really? Any reason?"

"Yeah." He said, stepping back a bit, out of the hug. "Um." He started, still sniffling. "It's because he's feeling better. He got really sick on New Years and I didn't know what happened and- uhm" He said, trying not to have a full-on breakdown.

"You don't gotta explain. I… think I understand." They comforted. "If you think you're able to, you can take my car. Just… please be careful."

"Th-thank you." He said.

"Do you want me to come with? So you don't have to drive." They asked.

"Yeah, I think. That'd be nice." He said, his voice still wavering.

"Okay. When do you wanna leave?" They asked, their voice still soft.

"One, I think?"

"Okay, that's doable."

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════

Avery looked down at the plate of food in front of him. He felt like he was gonna puke again. Well, try to. There was just too much on the plate, it was too overwhelming. He'd barely been eating recently, maybe having a few granola bars or bag of chips or something. An actual meal seemed like far too much.

"You good?" Talia asked, noticing the uncomfortable expression on Avery's face.

"Huh? Oh. Yeah, I'm fine." He replied.

"I need you to eat something before we leave. Can you please try?" They said.

"I am trying, believe it or not. I - shit, sorry." He apologized quickly, realizing he was getting snappy again. "I-I dunno why I've been doing that. I'm sorry."

"It's okay." They started. "I don't wanna push you, but you need to eat something fulfilling."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing. You didn't do anything."

"I- um." He starts, realizing he was just about to say sorry again.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════

Avery left campus for the first time in months. Before he and Talia left, he made sure to grab his bag (the green messenger bag with patches he got from various concerts), and inside of it included his headphones, charging brick, phone and phone charger, and a water bottle and some snacks (Talia insisted).

They're on the road for a while, and Avery shuffled through his playlist.

After about an hour, they finally made it to the hospital Derek's staying at. Talia dropped Avery off near the entrance, and tried to find parking nearby.

Avery walked through the busy lobby and found a somewhat peaceful place to sit. He took out his phone to text Michelle.

Avery sat in the lobby with his headphones on, and waited for Michelle. He realized he doesn't actually know what she looks like, but hopefully he'll be able to spot her.

After about 10 minutes had passed, Avery thought he could hear his name being called out. He paused his music and took off his headphones, looking around. When he turned his head up, he saw a dark-skinned woman with tight curly hair walking towards him. Is that Michelle?

"Avery!" The woman called.

"Michelle?" Avery asked.

"You bet!"

She seemed very… energetic… for someone whose son has spent the past 6 months in the hospital.

"I have you all signed in, we just need to go get your name tag from the desk." She said.

"O-okay." Avery stuttered.

He stood up from the chair he found himself in, and walked closely behind Michelle to the front desk.

════ *ੈ✩‧₊˚.ೃ࿐ ════