Chapter Text
No matter how little of what limited information Simon gave about who he was made any sense whatsoever. Honestly, the more scraps Grace got the less he understood, but after yesterday Simon’s actions made more sense. Simon hated himself. He loved Erid and felt like he didn’t belong here and thought everyone would hate him as much as he hated himself if they learned too much about his past. So much fell into place with that and Grace felt like more of a jerk than ever for pushing him so much when he was scared that the life he built here was on the line.
Grace didn’t really understand what Simon’s life had been like or what he had done but it sounded like he was a soldier and wasn’t happy with it. He wasn’t sure if Simon had been conscripted or had joined out of some pressure or obligation and didn’t know how to get out or what to do if he left. Grace was guessing the latter, he seemed to be similar in age to Grace, too old for simple conscription, his term of service would have ended by now. Probably.
Being in the military did make sense, tests for the coma gene could have been mandated within whatever military Simon was a member of or maybe he was deemed suitable to remain awake for the four year journey. That would explain his horrible mental health. He could have easily been given training that wouldn’t raise too much alarm and likely had some skill in piloting or engineering. Whatever mission Simon had been sent on was likely more desperate, less well planned, and far more went wrong. Grace couldn’t help but wonder if Simon even knew that he was being sent to Tau Ceti until he woke up in space. Had he been drugged like Grace was? What about the rest of his crew? Was he forced to go? Simon had mentioned he had been in prison, did that play a role in why he was sent?
A military background did explain the way that Simon moved. Despite his large, intimidating build he moved quietly just about everywhere. The way that Simon always seemed to be scanning Grace’s body like he was analyzing him as some kind of threat. It certainly explained why Simon constantly seemed to be fighting against an instinct to use force when he felt cornered and running wasn’t an option.
There were so many questions that Grace wanted to ask and he doubted Simon would ever answer. He clearly loved and trusted the Eridians so much and they didn’t know anything about who he was or how he got here, just that his life was bad, he didn’t want to go back, and he didn’t want to talk about it. Then again, Simon had admitted to killing people, Grace not fully sure why the man had done so.
He was almost positive that Simon wasn’t threatening him with that information. It was something that Simon admitted while in the midst of some kind of breakdown before practically begging him to keep it quiet. Grace really didn’t think that Simon meant to tell him that, he just kinda did. If Simon told him about past kills and then made sure that Grace understood the difference in their strength, he would be a lot more concerned.
Grace couldn’t help but wonder what exactly made Simon so scared of human touch. Grace had at first thought that the man was simply touch averse until he saw Simon practically clinging to Adrian. Grace had seen Simon pressed against several different Eridians, each one usually petting his hair or back which he seemed to enjoy. He then thought that Simon was averse to human touch until he had clearly wanted to touch Grace and then be touched by him but fear held him back. He couldn’t help but wonder what could have possibly happened to the man before he left Earth. Maybe it was even on his ship. He had to have known a life filled with violence and cruelty.
Even though it made sense in a lot of ways for Simon to be a soldier, it was hard to imagine him hurting anyone. Grace saw the way that Simon touched every single plant in his garden with so much love and wonder. No matter how weird it was, Grace was pretty sure that Simon talked to his trees, treating them like they were people, always caring for them. Simon seemed so close with several different Eridians, holding them close, running gentle hands over their suits, looking like he wished he could touch their carapace without one or both of them getting hurt.
It was harder to imagine that with how Simon talked to the children. For the past several hours, Grace had watched from a distance while Simon had sat by clear xenonite tucked in a shallow cave in the biodome wall, carving one of his sticks into intricate patterns, and talking to the Eridian children through a translator. He got each of them to tell him about their lives and what they did for fun, answering each of the questions that they asked him in return.
Getting Simon to talk to him was like pulling teeth, but Simon spoke to the Eridians so openly and easily for hours. Grace really wished that he could get a fraction of that. Unfortunately, he knew that Simon didn’t want him here and Grace had disrupted Simon’s life in a way that couldn’t be undone. Simon didn’t want Grace here and he didn’t want him in the med bay, he wanted Grace to have never come here in the first place. Unfortunately, that wasn’t something anyone could fix.
From what Grace had gathered and Adrian told him, Simon was terrified of small spaces he couldn’t get out of and even the mere idea of feeling like he was imprisoned somewhere. Apparently, Simon had regularly injured himself trying to get out of the med bay in fits of panic even when he understood that the Eridian atmosphere was deadly to humans. Whatever had happened to him in prison, the fear was deep enough to be unable to even think about Grace being kept there with his consent even for a week or two.
Grace desperately wanted to sit next to Simon and talk to the kids with him but forced himself to stay back. He was sure that the man was still shaken up from the night before and if Grace actually wanted to prove to Simon that he meant no harm he was going to at least try to give him space. It was hard but he could manage it.
Simon talked to groups of Eridians for hours, never once seeming to grow tired of it, moving through sticks slowly, usually carving small ornaments. Grace didn’t think they were supposed to be anything in particular, he figured that Simon just liked using the branches and creating something beautiful. Maybe one day Simon would explain why he loved the maple tree so much. Maybe he was Canadian and had a lot of national pride…even if he refused to speak about his life at all.
When Simon finally walked away from the cave everyone came to visit him in, Grace waved, smiling warmly at Simon, hoping to get another opportunity to talk to him. More importantly, he wanted to make it clear that nothing had changed since Simon had confessed that he'd killed people before.
“Seems like you’re really good with the kids.” Grace said when Simon stayed silent. “You like them?”
Simon nodded, stopping about ten feet away from Grace, looking down at the ground.
“I really like kids too.” Grace winced a bit, sure that didn’t sound great. “I, uh, I was a middle school teacher before I was brought onto the Petrova Taskforce. I really miss them. They would have all grown up and graduated before I got to Tau Ceti, I hope they’re doing well.”
Simon finally looked at him, searching Grace’s face for a long moment but still didn’t stay anything.
“I initially wanted to go into research and did so for a bit but that kinda all went down the drain when I wrote a paper a lot of people didn’t like and made a few enemies.” Grace chuckled a little, scratching the back of his head. “Was there anything you wanted to do? Were you always in the military?”
Simon flinched a little at that and took a step back. Grace could only guess that he was right about Simon being a soldier.
“Sorry, I just kinda guessed, kinda sounded like you were pressured into the military from what you told me and some other things.” Grace explained quickly, pretty sure that Simon hadn’t explicitly told him he was military. “You just kinda sounded like you didn’t like it much. Thought you might have other aspirations.”
Simon played with one of his carvings for a little bit, looking at it intently before speaking. “I…I liked fixing things. I wanted to learn how to be a mechanic. It was determined I was better at breaking.” Simon seemed to shrink in on himself a little as he spoke.
“Were you drafted? Family pressure? Didn’t have many better options?” Grace asked, genuinely curious what happened.
Unfortunately, Simon just shrugged.
“Where exactly are you from? You sound like you’re from Canada or the United States. I’m from the United States. San Francisco, California specifically.” Grace asked, desperate for anything. “If you’re from Canada it might explain the maple trees.”
“Eden.” Simon answered simply.
Grace couldn’t name every country off the top of his head but he was like 99% sure that wasn’t a country. “Is that like a city or something?” He asked, desperate for any information on his companion. “Where is it?”
“I told you. It’s a space station.” Okay, back to that story.
“You were born on…a space station?” Grace asked, feeling even more confused. He still had no idea if Simon was making up parts of his past to throw Grace off, if he genuinely believed what he was saying, or if he was somehow telling the truth. Could it somehow be real?
Simon nodded.
“Dude, that's so cool.” Grace couldn’t stop himself from grinning, not really caring if it was real or not, it was still pretty awesome. “You have to tell me everything. What was it like? Did you live there all your life? Are you like better adapted to live in space than humans born on Earth? Is that why you were chosen to be sent out here? Did Earth look cool from there? D–” Grace forced himself to stop bombarding Simon with questions when he saw the man begin to shrink away, almost certainly feeling overwhelmed. “Sorry.” Grace managed to mumble.
“I don’t really want to talk about it.” Simon said after a long moment, fidgeting with his carving again. “Could you tell me about California?”
Grace smiled. As much as he would like to learn about Simon, he wanted the man to be near him even more. If Simon wanted to ask questions it at least meant he was willing to stay for a bit.
“Of course!” Grace hoped his excitement wasn’t too apparent, not wanting to scare Simon off already. “If you wanna sit down somewhere I’m happy to answer any questions you have about anything.”
Simon waited for Grace to sit down under the proper tree, claiming that the first one Grace tried to lead against didn’t like that and pointed to one that did. Out of every manifestation of mental illness, the personification of the trees was certainly one of the weirdest things that Simon did but at least it didn’t seem to be harmful. He would be a lot more worried if Simon was convinced that some of the trees hated him or something like that instead of just respecting boundaries that he invented for them.
When Grace was settled, Simon crouched down a few feet from him, still looking like he was examining Grace, maybe he was looking for something in particular. The more that Grace watched the movement of Simon’s left eye, the more he was sure that the man was at least partially blind in it, unsure where the red color came from.
Finally, Grace began to talk about California. He started by talking about the desert where he was born. Trashy part of the state with brutal summers and isolated towns only broken up by trashy little mining towns and how all the trash from LA seemed to somehow land in the desert. Grace did however explain the spring in detail, how the flowers brought the world back to life and filled the hills with so much color and beauty. He described how no one could remember how to drive when it would dump down rain and everything would flood. He talked about late nights with his friends out in the desert shooting at signs, drinking, and looking at the stars when he was in high school and visiting home from college.
He described his move up to San Francisco where he’s gone to graduate school and ended up staying despite his career change. He talked about how much he loved the beach and the foggy mornings. He talked about the redwoods, partially because he loved visiting and partially because he was sure that Simon would love to hear about more large trees. He was right about that, the redwoods sparking more engagement and questions out of Simon than just about anything else. The second biggest winner was the flowers. Grace wished he knew more about them to give a better description and talk about the species. Everything he tried to compare the smell to Simon didn’t seem to understand.
Grace made sure to describe every national and state park in detail as well as any natural feature he could think of. He talked about what he’d seen in other states and other countries, that seemed to be what Simon found the most interesting. It was weird how much Simon seemed to love to hear about nature and yet seemed to know absolutely nothing about it.
By the time he had finished describing everything he could think of, Simon had slowly moved to be right next to Grace, eyes bright, excitement on his face. Grace forced himself to not ruin the moment by reaching out to touch the scars on Simon’s face no matter how badly he wanted to feel how the skin ridged.
“You really got to live there?” Simon asked, eyes wide with wonder as he spoke.
Grace nodded. “Uh, did you ever visit anywhere on Earth or just stay in space?” He figured that maybe for now it was best to act as if what Simon said was reality. Regardless of what Simon’s life had actually been like, for now, being born on a space station called Eden was probably true in his mind.
Simon seemed to deflate and shook his head.
“Did you just never get a chance to?” Grace tried to prompt, looking for anything to try to understand the world that Simon had invented for himself.
Simon shook his head.
“Why not?”
“It’s gone.”
Grace felt a spike of fear in his chest before forcing himself to think rationally. He couldn’t take the word of someone as unstable and detached from reality as Simon at face value. There was no way that Earth could be dead by the time that Simon left, he would have had to have left within two years after Grace did to get to Erid before him. He just kept trying to remind himself of that and that half the time Simon probably didn’t know what he was talking about. He said some pretty insane things.
“Like did a lot of the population die?” He tried to clarify.
Simon shook his head. “No. It’s gone. Earth, Mars, the rest of the planets, the stars, everything they’re gone.”
Grace didn’t know why Simon would mention Mars specifically but figured it wasn't the best thing to demand answers to. “What happened to them?”
Simon shrugged, moving from a crouching position to sitting, looking down at his maple seed pendant. “They all just vanished and everything's horrible now. Or…was. I don’t…I don’t know how I got here. I never want to go back.”
“I don’t think going back would be an option even if you wanted to.” Grace said, glancing back in the direction of the cave that Simon had been talking to the Eridians in. “I’ve seen how loved you are here. No one, especially not Melody, is going to give you up without a fight. They really want you here.”
Grace was sure that he could see Simon smile a little at that.
“Rocky was so excited to show me off to the other Eridians and be the first to make contact with intelligent alien life and bring a living, willing specimen home who was alright with being studied as long as I could study them back. I wish Eridians had faces so I could have seen the look on his when he found out that Erid already had one for several years who was well known and well loved around the planet.” Grace said, smiling warmly at Simon.
Grace was sure he would lose his mind if he came back to Earth with Rocky excited to show him off only to find out Stratt had an Eridian best friend who loved it there. Rocky had clearly been irritated with something while Grace was recovering, but at least it had quickly changed to excitement even if he kept Simon’s existence a secret until Grace was deemed healthy enough to leave the med bay. He was honestly impressed with Rocky’s self control, Grace didn’t think he would be able to keep that quiet for months.
“Grace?” Simon asked, looking up and meeting Grace’s eyes. “Why were you sent to save the stars?”
Grace cocked his head, a little confused. “I, uh, the people who were supposed to go died last minute and I was the only person with the skill, genetics, and training who could do it with a three day notice.”
“No, you said you didn’t want to go because you wanted to live. Did you always know it was suicide?”
Grace nodded.
“You were forced to go?”
Grace nodded again.
“You just…you seem too kind. Like you added value to your world. Why would they kill someone like you?” That was further evidence to Grace’s theory that Simon hated himself and didn’t feel like he belonged here. Even if his past made less sense the more they talked, Grace did learn more about who Simon was at his core. That was arguably more important.
Grace tried to explain the situation again starting from how he was pulled into the Petrova Taskforce and ended up following Stratt around the world and became too important at work once he accidentally learned how to breed astrophage with Carl. He really hoped that Carl survived. He hoped that his friend didn’t feel too guilty about being the last person Grace begged for help to save him. He wanted Carl to feel a little guilty, but not enough to consume him. He hoped the same for Stratt. It was the right decision, but still a jerk move. He’d like to think he haunted their dreams two or three times a year and felt bad about it once or twice a month. That seemed reasonable.
“You were punished for being successful?”
Grace raised an eyebrow. “Were…you sent to space as a punishment?”
“The blood ocean, but yes.” Grace really hoped that Simon would either explain what the heck a blood ocean was and why he was down there or stop talking about it. Grace doubted he would get either of those. Simon said it was literal, but Grace didn’t know how that was even possible.
“This wasn’t a punishment for anyone. It was something we had to do for survival. Everyone but me was a volunteer.” Grace still felt guilty that he was the only one who chose himself over the world and the only one who actually got to save the stars. Yao and Ilyukhina were far better people than him who were ready and willing to give their lives for the greater good and they never even made it to the mission. Dubois and Shapiro didn’t even make it to space.
“You didn’t deserve that.” Simon said quietly, hugging his knees to his chest.
Grace resisted the urge to scoot closer to Simon. “I don’t know exactly what you did and I don’t expect you to tell me. Clearly whatever happened to you in prison was horrific if you're that scared of the mere idea of someone else being trapped in a small space because of you. I can’t imagine how horrible a blood ocean would be. Just looking at you I can see you’ve been hurt horribly. I’m positive that despite whatever you did, you didn’t deserve what happened to you either. Maybe you deserved to be arrested but I know you didn’t deserve whatever happened to you in prison. I can’t imagine anyone would.”
Simon didn’t respond for a long moment, body trembling slightly, and Grace could see tears rolling down Simon’s cheeks.
“Simon?”
Simon didn’t say anything but moved a little closer to Grace, sitting right next to him.
Grace turned to look over at Simon, desperately wanting to close the three inches between them. “Can I touch you?” Grace asked, raising his hand slowly. “I promise I won’t hurt you.”
Simon glanced at Grace for a moment before nodding once, his body tensing.
Slowly, Grace reached across to the far side of Simon’s face, brushing his hair behind his left ear. His hair wasn’t quite as soft as Grace had imagined but it was nice, clean, and well taken care of. He brushed his fingers through Simon’s hair three times, sure that was all he could get away with before cupping Simon’s heavily scared face in his hand.
Grace didn’t know what could have happened to create these patterns of scarring that covered so much of the man’s body. They had to have been painful to get but they were beautiful.
Slowly, Simon moved closer to Grace, glancing at him every so often, lowering his head onto Grace’s shoulder like he had the night before, but this time, his body slowly relaxed.
Grace repositioned his hand a little, gently tracing his knuckles over Simon’s cheek, tracing the overlapping web of scars covering the left side of his face, neck, and disappeared beneath his loose, soft, colorful clothes.
The two just sat like that for a long moment, Grace feeling himself relax as well as he got the contact his body had screamed for for so long, not feeling as though it would be snatched from him at any moment. Maybe things between him and Simon would be okay. Maybe they could even become friends. Maybe Simon would be willing to disclose what he held so close to his chest.
“Don’t stop.” Simon finally whispered, voice trembling.
Things would be okay.