Chapter Text
There was no light left in the sky when Kaiser and Ness reconvened.
Kaiser dumped the heavy duffel bag onto a nearby bench, the same bench where they would have sat down together to talk through the whole night until the sun dipped its edges above the horizon once more. Now, it was no more than an ordinary park bench.
"Your things." Kaiser said it with so much venom, as if Ness's belongings had contaminated his hands.
"Are you serious?" Ness bit down hard on his lip. Kaiser stared at Ness's lips, looking for a trace of blood. For a pretty shade of red that he would love to smear on his own fingers.
"I don't need you anymore. Get lost." Kaiser roughly pushed Ness away, almost too eager to put distance between them.
Ness stumbled, losing his balance. However, his voice remained firm. "We both know that's a lie. You can't fool me."
Kaiser's gaze steeled, but his heart threatened to waver.
"Piece of shit. You think I'd ever love someone as worthless as you?"
Ness didn't budge. "Are you talking about yourself again? We've been through this before. You aren't a piece of shit. Stop thinking of yourself as subhuman."
"If you aren't leaving, I will." Kaiser turned on his heel, walking off. He felt a sharp tug on his arm. Ness gripped his sleeve, so harshly that Kaiser couldn't make another step. His glare pierced into Kaiser's skin.
"No, I'm not leaving. I'll never leave. You aren't leaving either. You think you can dump me? I won't accept it."
Kaiser's voice cracked. "Ness, stop trying. You're holding onto something that isn't there. I'm nothing. Just leave."
Ness's hands trembled, but he refused to let Kaiser go. His grip tightened even more. "You can't pull the wool over my eyes, you know? I know. I really do know, so... please don't leave me..."
The streetlights around them flickered every so often, and crickets filled in the gaps of silence left between them.
"Whatever you think we had between us, it's never coming back. We can never go back to those times." Kaiser shook Ness's arm off. Perhaps Ness could have fought back to hold onto him harder, but he didn't want to hurt Kaiser.
Ness's head drooped down to the ground. "No. I didn't 'think' there was something between us. There was something. You just..."
Ness continued on, tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. "I'm so tired. Why do I keep fighting for someone who doesn't even want to accept that he wants me?"
The last embers of life in Ness's eyes dimmed into nothingness, and only despair remained.
"You'll regret this. And when the time comes, I wonder, will I still love you enough to come crawling back again?"
In another universe where Kaiser was just a little stronger, he would have crushed Ness in a desperate embrace and apologised until dawn broke.
In this universe, Kaiser stood rooted to the spot as Ness grabbed his bag of belongings that once occupied Kaiser's house, watching Ness disappear for good.
Kaiser stood alone in that desolate, run-down park in the wind for a long time.
---
The next morning crashed into Kaiser like a freight train.
Kaiser slowly blinked awake. Harsh sunlight permeated through every crevice of his apartment.
Water.
Kaiser needed something, anything to quench his thirst. He reached out for the nearest bottle near him, fumbling to pry the cap open.
He tilted his head back, trying to dump the contents into his mouth. Not a single drop flowed out of the bottle.
It was empty.
Kaiser slammed the glass bottle on the dining table. He was surrounded by many more of such bottles, drained of their alcohol from the night before. They were all empty.
These days, a lot of things in Kaiser's life were empty too.
He dragged himself off the dining chair, fighting through the cloudy haze in his mind to move towards the kitchen. He pulled the fridge door open, scanning it for anything he could drink.
All that was left was a half-empty carton of milk. Not for him. It wasn't his, he despised milk. There was only one person who would drink it.
He shoved the carton of milk into the trash can. In the end, he had to settle with what he always had — a glass of water.
The coldness trickling down his parched throat shocked him awake. He downed the glass of water in one go.
This morning, there was no warm breakfast waiting for him.
---
Nothing of note happened for many, many, many, long months. People on the news died, and Kaiser didn't, but if he crossed out their names he could imagine his own.
Every day tasted like water. Plain, forgettable, neccessary but boring. Kaiser's capillaries wanted to burst from the monotony.
At least alcohol was there to wash away that irritating taste of water from his mouth.
---
No one called him on his birthday.
Everyone was busy celebrating Christmas with their loved ones. Kaiser didn't have anyone he loved, nor did anyone love him.
Kaiser preferred it that way. Probably.
---
Kaiser opened his eyes. The ceiling was wildly unfamiliar. He squinted, forced to shy away from the blinding white lights.
A man dressed in a white coat looked down at him.
"Alcohol poisoning," the man said.
"Ended up just like your deadbeat dad," Kaiser heard.
Kaiser nodded, but not a single word the man said registered in his mind.
---
When Kaiser was drifting between consciousness and sleep, he might have heard a somewhat familiar pair of footsteps enter his hospital ward.
Maybe. Maybe not. Kaiser could hardly recall anything that happened anymore.
So what if he did remember? So what if he regretted everything? This was his own torture, his own hell, fitting for someone who was beneath human.
Kaiser silently hoped he would not have another dream about magenta eyes and magic spells as he fell into a slumber.
---
He did. Seeing Ness smile at him again, even if it was just a stupid dream, made his skin crawl. He buried himself deeper into his blanket, keeping his eyes closed.
His fingers itched to wrap themselves around a bottle of red wine. Unfortunately, he was locked up in a lifeless hospital room, and his stash of alcohol was far away in his home.
A nurse came to check up on him. "Good morning! How are you feeling? By the way, the one who came here to give you those flowers was such a sweet boy, his name was... Ness, I believe?"
Kaiser sat upright in a flash. On his bedside table, a vibrant bundle of blue roses lay limply. Kaiser froze. The nurse smiled at the roses in awe.
"Beautiful, isn't it? That boy must treasure you dearly."
Kaiser wanted to sneer and toss the bouquet of roses out of the window, but he simply stared at them for a very long time. If he had dared to touch them, to taint such splendid beauty with his dirty hands, then he might have found Ness's note hidden amongst the thorns.
But he didn't. And Ness never bothered to check if he did.
---
Kaiser thought he could die like this. Alcohol poisoning? Love was even more poisonous in his veins. Being sober was like agony, because being sober meant that he was clear-headed enough to recall the name of the person whose voice haunted his every step.
He was out of the hospital, but nothing had changed. All that remained were the wilting blue roses that drooped in shame whenever Kaiser looked at them.
Blue roses, to Kaiser, symbolised the impossible. Perhaps this love was just as impossible for him to carry.
Ness would understand. Ness played along with Kaiser at times, like how a caregiver would act dumb with a child just to appease them, but he always knew the truth.
Kaiser wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time. Ness knew, and Ness still let Kaiser push him away. Let him ruin himself until he was beyond return.
Love made his stomach churn. Kaiser took one last glance at the bouquet of dying roses and burned them all. Only one single rose petal that had fallen out without him noticing survived the blaze.
Kaiser's eyes remained glued on to it, before he hid it away between the pages of a book amongst the many others on his bookshelf.
---
Kaiser should have been aware that Ness was an independent human being who had the free will to do whatever he wanted.
But still, Kaiser couldn't help but slam his phone on his desk when he saw Ness's new post on social media.
How dare he, how dare Ness fraternise with Isagi Yoichi of all people? Isagi, the same Isagi that had humiliated Kaiser, the same Isagi that Ness glared at with scorn at every turn, the same Isagi that Kaiser was enemies with since the second they met.
Ness's post was nothing personal. Just an excerpt of a recent interview he did.
"Is there anyone you look up to?"
"Well, it'd be my close friend Isagi Yoichi for sure! We may have started off on the wrong foot, but he's done so much for me. He's a great guy. I really respect him."
"What about your past teammate, Michael Kaiser?"
"Kaiser? We decided to go on our own paths and focus on different things. I admire his determination."
Kaiser had long since retired from playing football, but he felt an irresistable urge to go outside and kick the ball into a wall again. The way Ness looked so giddy as Isagi's name curled around his tongue was drilled into Kaiser's mind.
Unlike the current Ness, at least that ball would rebound back to his side again.
---
Ness's recent tweets... hit rather close to home for Kaiser.
-- everyone, please take care of your health~ drink lots of water :)
-- if you're feeling down, i'd recommend going out for walks! i do that a lot, it's nice to get fresh air
-- i hate alcohol
-- listening to desperado by eagles a lot these days
-- i rewatched one flew over the cuckoo's nest last night. great movie but it makes me feel sad
-- ahh the rose by bette midler makes me sob my eyes out every time i listen to ittt... my favourite line: "i say love, it is a flower, and you, its only seed"
-- [video] been a while since i last touched my piano. this cover of clair de lune is dedicated to my best friend!
Kaiser stared at the last word of that tweet. 'Friend'. Ness had called Isagi his close friend. Did Ness really return to playing piano after years just so he could play a piece for Isagi?
The comments seemed to think the same.
↳ ness played piano for isagi!! so cute
↳ this cover is so good, isagi must be crying right now
↳ @isagiyoichi Is this for you???
Kaiser's eye twitched. Ness chose Isagi over me? He mindlessly scrolled through a few more comments, coming to a stop at a specific one.
↳ i love clair de lune, if you guys haven't then you should check out the poem it's based on!!
Below was a link to the poem in question. Kaiser's finger hovered in the air for a few moments before he clicked on it.
======
Clair de lune (Moonlight) - Paul Verlaine
Your soul is a chosen landscape
Where charming masquerades and dancers are promenading,
Playing the lute and dancing, and almost
Sad beneath their fantastic disguises.
While singing in a minor key
Of victorious love, and the pleasant life
They seem not to believe in their own happiness
And their song blends with the light of the moon,
With the sad and beautiful light of the moon,
Which sets the birds in the trees dreaming,
And makes the fountains sob with ecstasy,
The slender water streams among the marble statues.
======
Kaiser read and reread the poem until the moonlight dissolved and sunlight began to peek through the windows again. Every single word was burned into his retinas. Kaiser could recite the entire poem word for word if someone asked him to.
---
When the emptiness of his apartment became too stifling for him to endure, and when breathing became a heavy chore, Kaiser's mind wandered back to the sound of the grand piano, back to the poem that struck a chord in his heart.
"They seem not to believe in their own happiness." Kaiser flipped through his thoughts over and over again, but could not push this line away from his soul. It crept up on him when he least expected it, determined to carve a permanent place in his brain.
Did Kaiser ever believe that he was happy with Ness? Or was he too afraid to come to terms with his heart?
Come to think of it, why did he break up with Ness in the first place? The details were fogged up like a mirror after a hot shower. Kaiser wiped and wiped at that mirror until his thumbs were sore, but it remained a blurry mess.
"Your soul is a chosen landscape."
"Your soul is a chosen landscape."
"Your soul is a chosen landscape."
...
Kaiser's arm reached out towards his cabinet of alcohol.
-- i hate alcohol
He paused.
And then grabbed a can of soda instead.