Chapter Text
“We need to talk.”
I jolt, and my blood runs cold. I clench muscles I didn't even know I could clench. I turn towards Rocky slowly to find him looming ominously behind me, his upper set of arms crossed as the lower hands rest on his hips. His face is fairly serious. I start debating if I could run past him and throw myself out the airlock before he’d catch me.
I try to ease the tension. “You know, back on Earth, saying those four words unprompted is about one of the most terrifying things you could do.”
He shrugs half-heartedly as he spins a chair to face me and sits down. I begrudgingly turn the rest of my body towards him. Maybe I’ll just sneeze or make a gross sound and run while he’s stunned. Has my heart been beating this hard the whole time? Oh, who am I kidding?
“Similar on Erid,” he tells me. Oh, okay. Great.
I nod. “So, uhm…”
“Please do not freak out,” he says, “your heartbeat is … loud.”
I swallow dryly, and take a deep breath. “Kinda hard not to, bud,” I say. “What’s up?”
He pauses, as if he’s chewing on his words for a moment. “I will say this in a way you are more familiar with,” he says, in the most clear English I’ve ever heard from him. It’s actually a little uncanny. “So that you can understand me clearly.”
“Wait, wait,” I sputter, “You don’t have to do that, Rocky. Whatever you have to say, tell me in whatever way you’re most comfortable.”
Rocky’s smart. It’s not like he doesn’t know how to speak English, or like he doesn’t understand our grammatical rules. I mean, as best as I’ve taught them to him - I’m a science teacher, not an English teacher. And I’d like to think I’m smart enough to understand Eridian more than well enough to have a serious conversation. Whatever brings him a source of comfort is fine with me.
“Even like this, question?” He sings to me in Eridian. Dear God. The heck did I do to warrant a ‘let’s talk’ in his own language?
When he speaks Eridian, his lips don’t move the way that a human’s would. Everything seems to come from the various sets of vocal chords in his throat, and his mouth isn’t actually involved much in the process. It’s a little jarring, at first. I understand fairly well. I mean, there’s only so much for us to do while we’re stuck in this ship together all the time - I’ve picked up enough Eridian.
I nod. “If that’s what you want.”
He nods in turn, and then he pauses as he chooses his words very carefully. “Why are we not mates, Grace, question?”
I choke on my spit. “What?” I sputter. I think for a second maybe I’m just misremembering and I don’t speak Eridian as well as I thought.
He frowns. “I know that you care for me like a mate would. I know that I care for you like I would a mate. Surely you know this, yes, question?”
I rub the back of my neck with my hand. “I-I mean… I hadn’t thought about if you, uhm…” I clear my throat. “I didn’t know. That you did.”
He stares at me like I’m stupid. “Really?”
“Yeah.” I admit, weakly.
“Really?”
I drag my hands down my face. “Yes.”
He squints at me. “No, no, you must’ve known,” he says. “You knew, statement. I have been trying to court you for weeks.”
I raise a brow. “You have?”
He throws up his hands in bewilderment. “♮♬♫♪♩♬♬♩♪!” I didn’t quite catch that, but I’m pretty sure he’s cursing at me. “Yes, of course I have, Grace! You are smart, Grace. You knew. Even if you did not let yourself know, you knew.”
I pause. I feel a warmth wash through my entire body, and something settles in my stomach. “When?”
He lets out a noise of exasperation. “I ask you how you would like to be courted, and you tell me that you want to be known! So I do my best to know you, just as you did to me!” Oh my God, he’s referring to when he felt my arms, the same way I did to him. “I even looked on the portable human thinking machine, and I saw a popular phrase, ‘dinner and a movie first.’ So, I tried to watch movies with you!”
I break out in a laugh. “Wait, wait,” I breathe between giggles, “that’s what that was?”
“I’m serious, Grace!”
I keep gasping to catch my breath. I know he’s serious, and the rest of this conversation is generally terrifying, but this specifically is killing me. “That’s why you kept staring at me, after every movie?”
“Yes!” He exclaims. “And you - the way that you hugged me!”
“What about the way that I hugged you?” I ask.
“When I woke up. You had built a nest around me and you threw your arms around my neck, the way that an Eridian would hug a mate. That’s not how you hugged me the first time.”
Heat rushes to my face. I think he told me this before, and I forgot. Either I forgot, or more horrifyingly, I knew. I knew, somewhere subconsciously. Eridians have two forms of hugs: a regular hug, with all arms wrapped around each other - usually between family members, or close friends. But wrapping your arms around their neck… it’s not a sign of submission, per-se, but it’s something close. It’s intimate and romantic.
“I wanted - ugh. I wanted you to know that you could tell me. That it was okay. That I love you, too. But no matter what I did, you would not tell me! I don’t understand why!”
“Rocky…”
“We have to leave, soon.” He says. I wince. I know. “We have to go home. We have to save our stars. We’ve waited as long as we can, but you have not said anything! I do not want to waste a second, Grace! I want to use every second you have, so why haven’t you said anything!?”
My head reels. Why haven’t I said anything? Well, I know why I haven’t said anything. I’m the same man I’ve always been. There’s still this persistent voice in the back of my mind that echoes Rocky’s - why not? Why haven’t I said anything?
“I thought you said that we’ll find a way to meet up again, after we get home?”
He stomps a foot. “We will! But why wait? Why waste a moment, Grace? Why can’t we do this now, while I still have you, before I have to risk anything?”
We won’t. I know we won’t. I think he knows this, too, because Rocky and I have spoken before about how I’ve got fifty-odd years left to me. But he’s stubborn, my Rocky. He wants to believe that he’ll figure it out, that he’ll fix this. Even when there’s no possible way he could ever fix it.
I sigh. “Because I’m scared, Rocky.”
“No, no you are not. I will not let you be,” he argues. “You are brave. Grace is brave.”
“I’m not!” I shout - against my own will. He’s just sitting here admonishing me, and he doesn’t get it. “I’m not brave, Rocky! I didn’t come here of my own free will, or anything! I got sent here cause it was convenient that I had nobody! I was dragged, kicking and screaming!”
He stares at me for a second. “You won’t let yourself have anybody,” he says. “You are loved. You must be. You have to be.”
“Yeah, well, I’m up here anyway, aren’t I!?” I run a hand through my hair. “You don’t - you don’t get how terrifying it is, to have somebody! To be willing to die for someone! I can’t do that!”
“You are acting stupid. You are saying stupid things.” He says.
“No, you just don’t get it!” I shout back. “You don’t-”
I’m interrupted when he puts his full palm over my mouth.
“You do not know how terrifying it is to be alone,” he says, and his fingertips shift against my cheeks. “For an Eridian, it is a fate worse than death. I may as well have died. I could have, and it would not have made a difference. That is terrifying. I would have done anything to have somebody. To die for somebody. Then I found you.”
I feel my gaze soften against my will.
“I am sorry, Grace. I am sorry you had to come here. I am sorry that you had to save Earth, I am sorry your crew couldn’t be here for you, and I am sorry that you had to save me. I came out here willingly, and I cannot imagine how terrifying it must’ve been to be forced to.” He pauses, for a moment, taking a deep breath. “But you are up here. We cannot change that. And we are here now, together, against all odds. And against all odds, we’ve figured it out. We can go home, and we can save our stars. Do you not believe yourself to have earned this one thing, after all of this?”
I stare at him. Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve let Rocky in further than I’ve ever let anyone else before.
I think of everybody I knew - that I can remember - before I was sent off into space. My eyes water as I think of Yao and Ilyukhina. I cry every time I think of them, actually. Would they have cried if it had been me, instead of them? I think of Carl, and I think of Marissa, who I met every Thursday for almost twenty years straight. And against my will, I think of Stratt. She kept me closer than anybody, even if we weren’t friends. Nobody else was glued to her side like I had been - not the rest of the crew, not Carl, not anyone.
None of them have known me like Rocky. By no fault of their own - it’s not like I’d have let them. And I only ever let Rocky come to know me the way he does because it was necessary. Because we’d both have died, along with our whole species, if we didn’t understand each other inside and out. And when I go home, everybody is going to be a decade older than I am. Everyone I knew - Stratt, Dimitri, my kids and any of my old colleagues - will be ages older than me. And some of them might not be here anymore. Rocky’s my only friend. I shudder at the thought that he might be more.
“I know what the word ‘brave’ means, Grace,” he says. “I would not say it if I did not mean it. Maybe you were not brave when you were sent here. Maybe you were not brave until it mattered. Maybe you were not brave until I needed you to be. But you were brave, no?”
I give a half-hearted shrug.
“Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid,” he says. He doesn’t say it with any malice - more so as if he was telling me grass is green and the sky is blue. “Maybe you do not know, but that’s okay, because I know. I know you. I know how your heart races around me. I know how you squirm and shift when we touch. I know you blush when I look at you. You are a scientist. Maybe you just need proof. Maybe you need to know how my heart beats, too.”
He grabs my wrist and pulls my hand up to his neck. I willingly fold my fingers until I’ve got two of them resting on his pulse point. I feel that funny rhythm of his heart again, far faster than I’ve ever felt it before. The repetitive, hypnotic, ba dum-dum, ba dum-dum, ba dum-dum.
“Do you hear that, Doctor Grace?” My breath catches in my throat. “That is how an Eridian’s heart sounds when they are in love. Our hearts beat stronger when we’re with our own, when we’re in love and cared for.” he says. “That is what love is, to me.”
God.
Such a musical people. The beat of his heart changes depending on how he’s feeling.
He drops my wrist and lets go of my mouth, taking a step back. I can tell how frustrated he is. I can’t believe I can tell just how frustrated he is.
“We need to go home soon,” he says. “We must. And after we go home, and after we save our stars, I will find you again. I will.”
I nod. I choose to let myself believe his blind optimism.
“But before we go,” he breathes, “before all of that - let me have you. Let yourself have me. Please, Grace.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say please before,” I chuckle half-heartedly.
“I’m serious, Grace.”
I run my fingers across my knuckles. “I don't think loving me is all you’ve chalked it up to be, Rocky.”
“I don’t care.”
“And what’ll Adrian think about all this?” I ask - in a sort of flimsy attempt to crawl out of this.
He shakes his head. “Adrian will love you, as I do, because you are easy to love. Because you will have saved our stars, and you saved me. My Adrian will love you as easily as I love you, as easily as they love me. They could not love me without loving you - not if they are to love the person I have become, as they promised to.”
I take a shaky breath.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Okay, what?”
I groan. “Rocky - don’t make me say it, you know what I mean by ‘okay!’ This is a lot for me.”
“No, say it,” he says - or more so demands.. He leans close to my face, until we’re eye-to-eye. He leans in just close enough - which is still insanely close - that he can study my eyes with his poor vision. The only way that he can. Rocky can see and hear practically every part of my body running, but the one thing that constantly eludes him is the details of my eyes. “You need to say it. I told you, Grace, that Eridians do this very particularly. I take this very seriously. Tell me no, and I will never bring it up again - as I should. Tell me yes, tell me you love me, and I will love you in kind.”
I know that he’s serious. I’ve rarely ever heard him this deathly-serious about anything. There’s a low hum underneath all his words, just barely within my range of hearing, that he’s using to stress how serious he is. I run a hand through my hair, then across the back of my neck, and rock back and forth where I sit.
“Iloveyou,” I mutter, quickly and quietly.
“Couldn’t hear you.”
“Yes, you could!” I cry. “Come on, Rocky!”
There’s a crap-eating grin on his face. He’s not letting me go till I say it with my big boy voice.
I sigh and chew on my words. “I love you.”
He smiles wider, and throws his arms around my neck as he encompasses me in a hug. His lower set of arms snake around my torso as I hug him back. Oh God, what am I doing? I’ve fully lost my mind. Well, being crazy isn’t as bad as it was made out to be, at least.
He’s dangerously close to my ear when he tells me, “I love you too, Grace.” It makes my whole body shiver. And then, once more in English, “Love, love, love. Love Grace.”
I chuckle, and he giggles with me. “Yeah,” I say, grip tightening on his clothes, “I love you too, bud.”
“Not ‘bud.’ Rocky. Ro-ocky.”
I roll my eyes. “I love you too, Rocky.”
He pulls back - hands arms still resting on my shoulders - to look me in the eyes. “Humans typically consummate mateship with a ‘kiss,’ yes, question?” He knocks twice on my shoulder blade.
I make some sort of ungodly choked noise. “Don’t call it consummation.”
“Why, question?”
“Cause that - it sounds suggestive.”
He rolls his eyes. “Suggestive this, suggestive that, humans so perverted.”
“Whatever you wanna believe,” I say.
“But is it correct, question?” He asks.
I sigh. “Yeah… typically…”
He nods. “Eridians do not typically do mouth stuff.”
I laugh, “‘Mouth stuff?’”
“But, if it is for Grace,” he sighs, putting on a show of it, “Rocky can make an exception.”
“You’re very keen on doing this all in a ‘human’ way. Why is that?” I ask.
“Grace is human,” he says. “Grace is not on Erid. Couldn’t do things the Eridian way, even if Rocky wanted to.” He sounds a bit sad about it.
I frown. “I’m sorry.”
He shrugs at me, “It’s okay. Can still do things the way Grace does.”
“You’re real insistent on this. You absolutely sure? I know you think mouths are gross.”
“Yes.”
“Are you really su-”
“Grace,” he cuts me off abruptly, “Yes. Hurry up.”
“Okay,” I sigh, shakily. I’m oddly nervous, right now. First kiss with an alien. Talk about first contact, am I right? Hahaha. Fuck. “You just uh, you purse your lips and part them a little bit. And then tilt your head and lean in.”
“Like this, question?” He asks, following my directions.
“More or less, yeah,” I reply. “Oh, close your eyes.”
“Why, question?” He drops his ‘kissy face’ to stare at me in confusion.
“Cause it’s awkward to stare into your soul while I’m lip-locked with you.”
He rolls his eyes. “Rocky thinks it’d be more romantic.”
“I’m beginning to not trust your opinions on romance.”
He gasps in mock offense. “Rocky is very romantic.”
“Uh-huh, sure. Prove it to me, then.”
“Fine! Come here, then!”
Rocky abruptly knots his hand into the hair on the back of my head and pulls me closer. To his credit, he did listen to me and closed his eyes this time. His lips abruptly crash against mine before I have a chance to react. A choked noise comes out of me and dies against his mouth. He’s so warm against me, and he tastes like metal. It occurs to me to kiss him back about five seconds after I should’ve.
Oh my God. I’m kissing Rocky.