Chapter Text
“We really shouldn’t have done that”
Jooheon’s words echoed throughout everyone’s minds. He was right in some ways. Even if the manager’s ways of bonding weren’t exactly the best they still should have obeyed his orders.
“I’m not kidding. What we did was on the lines of immature and we should have at least tried at settling some things.” Jooheon said while crossing his arms over his chest.
“Your right. Even if you guys still hate him that doesn’t mean you have the right to leave him there.” Shownu added. His words seemed to have some effect on the other members. He was the leader of the group and what he said was right.
“Whatever. I’ll go in if that’s what you want, but that doesn’t mean that I want to reconcile with him any time soon.” Hyungwon said before stomping away towards the meeting room. The other members followed in pursuit as well.
“Don’t worry Jooheon,” Shownu said while putting his hand on Jooheon’s arm, “they’ll come around eventually.”
His words did reassure Jooheon somewhat but not completely. The word ‘eventually’ could mean soon, or possibly years from now.
He just hopes that Changkyun will be alright.
***
As the members filed back into the room, I was confused. They had just said they didn’t want anything to do with him and then left so I didn’t really expect them to comeback. I had to hurriedly wipe the tears off my face before anyone could say something about it.
They seemed to have noticed my irritated eyes but, thankfully, they didn’t comment on it.
The managers were nowhere to be seen. I guess the ten minutes haven’t passed yet. Luckily some of the time has went by so that mean I don’t have to stay in this room full of people who despise me too long. I could feel their glares on me but they weren’t as bad as before. Jooheon or someone probably bribed them to sit in the meeting room with me because they wouldn’t have made that decision on their own.
No one made any move to speak, but that was good in a sense. Even if they weren’t trying to reconcile with me at least they weren’t spitting out all the insults that they could manage.
However, knowing my members, that wasn’t going to last the rest of the day.
We sat in silence for another good minute until Jooheon finally spoke up. “Uh, Changkyun, how was your day?” I really appreciated the gesture but he had just made things even more awkward.
“U-uhm, it was fine I guess? It’s still morning so…” Hyungwon snorted at my remark. I glanced over at him while he glared at me. I shrunk in my seat, realizing that conversing with any of the members except for Jooheon was near impossible. Maybe Shownu, but I know he hates me deep down.
“Oh.” Was all that he replied with. We didn’t get the chance to say anything else because our main manager walked into the room again. What is his name, again? Kwang Ji?
“Ok, listen up guys. Obviously, I wasn’t expecting the best results out of my actions and this probably wasn’t the best of decisions. Sorry to break it to you but this was the only reason that I wanted to call you in today. Your debut song will be explained in detail tomorrow with all your trainers so you can take up the rest of this day to do whatever you would like. Just don’t stay up too late!” He said, before leaving the room and heading to the car where he would drive us back to the dorm.
I knew I had jinxed it when I thought that their glares had soften, because now they are harsher than ever. Well, at least some of them. I swallowed hard as I tried not to cry. They seem like nice people but I still don’t know why they hate me so much. I mean, there is everything about me to hate, but they could at least hold a conversation with me, right?
Who am I kidding, I was such a mistake.
“Look at what you did. We woke up early and wasted time because of you.” Minhyuk said, shooting me a harsh glance. It was impossible for me to shrink in my seat any further because I was as slouched as I could get. Jooheon seemed to notice my uncomfortableness because he started to stand up for me.
“Don’t blame things on him. It’s our fault for not acting like civil human beings.” He said, looking around for anyone that would say otherwise.
“Well we wouldn’t have to hate him if he wasn’t such a fuck up!” Hoseok yelled, gaining everyone’s attention. Even Minhyuk and Hyungwon seemed shocked at his words but they didn’t disagree either.
He was right, I am such a fuck up. Even as a kid.
I could no longer hold my tears back. They were pouring down my face and I made no attempt to wipe them but I kept my head down. However, I do want my members to see me like this. They can’t know how much of a useless wimp I am. So, I did what I thought the best option was.
I got up out of my seat and swiftly walked to and out the door.
If the members had said anything about my little “outburst” then I didn’t hear it because I was already sprinting out of the building and towards the dorms. It was stupid of me because the dorms are like a 30-minute walk from the building but I was running blindly so time didn’t matter that much.
I reached the dorms eventually (probably in about 20 or so minutes but I was too much of a depressed mood to even care). Entering the dorms, I slammed the door shut behind me and ran into the bathroom. The bathroom is pretty much my second room hence the fact that I spend most of my time there trying to avoid my hateful members at all costs.
Closing the door behind me, I slid down the door with my hands in my face. None of my members were here. None of my family was here. It was just me, sitting alone in the bathroom. I took this situation to my advantage and cried.
I cried like I did that same night.
If only I had turned out like one of those hopeless kids that have no future. Well, I am a hopeless kid, but my future is with a boy group. Although they hate me, it’s still a future that I’ve always wanted. Sadly, given the circumstances, this isn’t exactly what I had planned everything out to be.
Instead, I’m just some fuckup interfering with other people’s dreams.
I cried until the tears no longer were streaming down my face. I must look like a mess. I got up from the floor and looked at the mirror. It was true. I looked like shit. All I wish is for them to stop hating me.
But that’s impossible when I hate myself too.
***
The ride back to the dorm was full of tension. After Changkyun had gotten up and left everyone looked around the building for him but he was nowhere to be found. Everyone had assumed that he had gone back to the dorms. There weren’t many places he could have gone, and knowing him, he wouldn’t do something rash like run far away.
Everyone could tell that Hoseok regretting his words. The moments Changkyun got up and ran he had known that he had fucked up. Sure, he still had some resent for him, but he’ll eventually come around.
Eventually…
No one had said anything about that moment; Hoseok’s words and Changkyun’s outburst still left a heavy tension in the air on the way back to the dorm. Obviously, not everything is going to be okay after that, but maybe things will settle down a little bit. Everyone felt bad for Changkyun, right? So, maybe everything will be okay?
Oh, hell no.
Sure, everyone felt a little bad, but they still hated him. Maybe they’ll settle down a little bit on the bullying, but everything was far from okay.
The car pulled up to the dorm and everybody quickly exited. If Changkyun wasn’t inside the dorm, then were the hell else where he be?
Everyone walked into the dorm. Jooheon started calling out his name. When there was no response, everyone started panicking a little on the inside. The members spread throughout the dorm in search for him.
Kihyun walked up to the bathroom door to check to see if he was in there but the door was locked. That meant that, in fact, Changkyun was inside. He started banging on the door repeatedly while yelling out his name. Everyone, upon hearing this, rushed to Kihyun’s side. When there was still no response, he did what he had to do.
He kicked down the door.
Now although Kihyun may be short, he was still semi-built. He walked over the broken-down door and walked over to Changkyun who was curled up in a ball in the corner.
He was sleeping with dry tears streaks on his face.
“The brat’s sleeping.” Hyungwon said, but deep down there was a hint of worry.
“And it looks like he was crying. I wonder why?” Jooheon said, before shooting a glare over at Hoseok’s direction who felt a little bit guilty.
Shownu walked over to where he was sleeping and picked him up in one swift movement. Walking over to the bed, he quickly placed him onto Kihyun’s bed (Changkyun had the top bunk and it was easier to place him on the bottom). Kihyun wanted to protest but didn’t say anything. The rest of the members eventually left the room to go do whatever they wanted but that didn’t stop them from worrying just the slightest.
Tomorrow was going to be one hell of a day and no one was ready for it.
***
“You’re a little piece of shit, you know? You’re so worthless that even Jesus could hate you. Just go kill yourself already.” Yoon Ki said before shoving him onto the ground. It was just another day at school. Changkyun goes to school, gets bullied, goes home and then cuts himself.
He started crying and got up from the ground to run away before he felt a foot trip him from behind. He fell face first into the ground. It’s a good thing he didn’t break his nose.
“Oh, look what we have here? You scared?” Yoon Ki said before punching him face. His face was going to look fucked up tomorrow. Changkyun reached up to touch his nose when he felt a warm substance on his fingers. It was blood. Tears were now uncontrollably flowing down his face. The salty water along with the blood didn’t taste good in his mouth.
“Oh my! The pussy’s crying! Go to hell! You’re a worthless brat!” Yoon Ki said, spitting in his face before walking away.
The walk home was devastating. The bully was right, he did deserve to die. Music was all that kept him alive and he was shit at producing it. It had started to rain, but he could care less. By the time he reached his house, he was a soaked mess. His parents were out again so he had the whole house to himself. He walked upstairs to his bathroom and closed the door behind him. Opening his cabinets, he searched for the only friend the he had.
His razor.
This unidentifiable warm feeling spread throughout his body as he grabbed the cold piece of metal. His body sunk to the ground right next to the toilet and he pulled up his sleeves. He had been clean for about, what, five days? Recent scars lay on top of new ones, and he couldn’t wait to add more to his collection.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Eventually he had lost track and just sliced away endlessly. If only each cut could get rid of each problem.
He closed his eyes and just thought for a moment. He thought about what would happen if his parents saw him like this, or even Yoon Ki. What would they think? Would they even care? He didn’t have the time or energy to think of an answer to those questions because he could feel himself slowly passing out. He must have been hearing things because he can almost hear someone calling out his name. He didn’t hear the door open. Or maybe he did? He could hear his name being called out louder and louder. Was there banging on the door? He couldn’t tell.
“Changkyun! Changkyun are you in there?” He could hear his mom yelling. Shit, he was slowly dying and his mom was on the other side of the door. Must have gotten home early. His mom doesn’t love him anyways because he was so pathetic. He opened his eyes. The door was broken down (that sounds familiar) and his mom was standing over him with tears rushing down her face. He felt the presence of something around his body. His mom was cradling him in her arms.
He didn’t want this feeling to go away.
“M-Mom! I’m sorry…” He managed to squeak out. He had realized that his mom had cared for him at that moment, even if he was somewhat useless.
“No Changkyun! Don’t go!” He heard her yell. He could also hear sirens. Sirens? His mom must have called 119.
Eventually he felt that he was suffocating. He struggled greatly; he couldn’t keep his eyes open. He started blinking uncontrollably trying to stay awake. His mom must have noticed it too because she started calling out his name even louder.
“Changkyun! Please don’t go!” But he could no longer hear her words. Everything felt as if he was drowning underwater. Couldn’t hear or see anything. Everything was a blur. Is this what death feels like? Either that, or he must be in hell already because there was no way he was going to heaven…if it even exits. He started seeing black dots in his vision until eventually all he could see was black.
“Changkyun…please don’t go!”
I yelped and jumped up in my bed, hitting my head on the top of the bunk. It’s funny how this situation had happened earlier in the day. Except this time, I was sweating uncontrollably with tears pouring down my face.
I took in my surroundings. I was no longer on the bathroom floor but in a bed other than mines, even though I was still in my room. Must be on Kihyun’s bed. The man was sitting on the bed next to his, looking over at me with worry. I turned my head on him and wiped away all of the sweat and tears that was on my face.
“Did you have a nightmare?” He asked, clearly worried.
But why would he worry about me?
The dream in mention had got me shook for a while so when I didn’t respond he just sighed. He got up from the bed and walked over to me and pat me on the head. “Hope you’re okay.” Was all that he said.
He started walking to the door. Before exiting, he turned around and smirked at me.
“Oh, and by the way, Changkyun, you’re paying for that door.