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🏒🏒🏒🏳️🌈Queer Hockey WAGs🏳️🌈🏒🏒🏒
KIP: Okay, I’m bored. Let’s play the Roll Call Question game.
KYLE: We need a better name for it already
JANE ❤️: Agreed. For one thing, how is it a game when no one wins?
LEAH: Oh Shane, you competitive autistic cutie, never change!
JANE ❤️: Wasn’t planning on it. 😎
ILYA: Pedantry making me hard again 🤓🍆💦
MAX: bonk! straight to horny jail with you, slutty slav
HARRIS: There is literally no point trying to get him to stop. Ask me how I know.
KYLE: And yet you keep trying…
HARRIS: It is, unfortunately, my job.
ILYA: Biphobia strikes again!
ILYA: Is not your job in chat, harris
LEAH: I would tell you to stop crying wolf about biphobia, Ilya, except that it is very funny, so
ILYA: 😭🐺???
JANE ❤️: “Crying wolf” is an idiom. It means, like, raising a false alarm? It comes from a folktale or something about a boy who keeps lying to everyone about wolf attacks, so when a wolf actually attacks, nobody believes him.
ILYA: Ah, i see. Is boy eaten by wolf?
JANE ❤️: I don’t remember.
ILYA: Seems like important detail to me
KIP: It’s from Aesop’s Fables. In the original tale, it’s only sheep that get eaten, but in a later English-language poetic version the boy gets nommed as well.
ILYA: Thank u, mr grad student! U are way too smart for himbo hunter
ILYA: English is very mean language! Poems about eating children (((((
KIP: So much to unpack here: 1) Yeah, I’m smart; I also know how to use google. Kyle’s the one who majored in Old Stuff. 2) Scott went to college, you know. He didn’t graduate because he got drafted after sophomore year, but he made Dean’s List. Twice. So there! 2.5) Calling him a himbo implies you think my husband is hot, I hope you realize 3) I don’t even need google to tell me that child cannibalism is a famously significant thing in Russian folklore. Baba Yaga and, I repeat, Baba Yaga.
KIP: Boom!
KYLE: *ancient history and latin, then ancient art & architecture
KYLE: But sure, Old Stuff works too
KYLE: Tw “underage cannibalism” lol
HARRIS: Nope, no, no way. If you bring up AO3, Kyle, I won’t be responsible for my actions!
KYLE: Lol, I’m not the one you need to worry about wrt to a*3 👀
KYLE: Also I’m not a centaur, so you can’t tell me what to do, old man!
HARRIS: I am literally younger than you
KYLE: You have a year-round beard and a grown-up job. I tend bar and look pretty
HARRIS: You MANAGE a bar and have a Master’s Degree??
HARRIS: Also, aren’t you from Vermont? i.e. a place where every other guy age 16-60 is bearded and/or wearing Carhartt?
KYLE: Ok, you’ve got me there. How do you know so much abt Vermont??
HARRIS: Apples are your official state fruit and apple pie is your official state pie, so. (I have been there for apple-related reasons, ofc)
KYLE: I do enjoy a nice, crisp macoun, I admit
JANE ❤️: Fun fact. Vermont almost became part of Canada instead of the US. And they’re famous for maple syrup and sharp white cheddar cheese as well as apples. (Their syrup and cheese are exactly the same as Canadian syrup and cheese. Probably their apples too. I don’t know. I’ve got sensory issues with apples. Bleh.)
JANE ❤️: Before anyone asks, I know all this because Montreal is less than an hour’s drive from the Vermont border.
ILYA: Also halfway between m******l and boston is in vermont
ILYA: Thank u 🙏maple leaf bed & breakfast for the memories 🍁👅💦🍆🍆💦
KYLE: I’m glad you guys had a good time there. I did Not
KYLE: That’s not totally true. Being a kid there was all right. Unfortunately my parents chose to live in one of the few towns in a famously progressive and queer-friendly state where gay slutshaming an 18yo out of town was 👍
KYLE: Uh, sorry to trauma dump. I mean, I’m not sorry I just said what I did, but I don’t feel like getting into it more over text rn
FABIAN: once again opening this chat is like entering a fever dream 💋
FABIAN: kip, I adore you & your colons & semicolons & whatever this numbered situation is
FABIAN: kyle, tell me the name of your home town and i won’t play shows there anymore
KYLE: Appreciate the sentiment but there aren’t any music venues in shaw, vt
FABIAN: whew. i would have done it, but I’m glad you didn’t say burlington or brattleboro
KYLE: 🙏
KYLE: Ok, enough about Vermont. Weren’t we gonna play a game, except it wasn’t competitive enough for Shane or something?
DR. LISA: Wyatt wants me to remind you all that cooperative games are a thing
DR. LISA: Annnd he’s started muttering and pulling board games off the shelf. I suspect another themed Centaurs game night is in the offing
JANE ❤️: I’ve figured out how someone can win the question game.
KYLE: Yes please, hockey boy, enlighten us
ILYA: U call shanya “”hockey boy”” when i am also in the chat?? and max too?
ILYA: Nevermind, stupid question
ILYA: Me and max play hockey, shane IS hockey
JANE ❤️: Thanks, I think?
JANE ❤️: Anyway, my idea is to make an online poll where everyone votes on whose answer was the best. But you can’t vote for yourself.
KYLE: Lol, sure. Uh, what was the question? And who was asking it?
KIP: I was the one who suggested the game. And the question is…
KYLE: 🥁🥁🥁
KIP: Hang on. I’m thinking.
KYLE: 🤦♂️
KIP: Okay, I’ve got it - How did you meet your partner?
KIP: I’ll start. Mine’s cute but boring and probably everyone already knows that Scott came into my work to get a smoothie and the rest was history.
HARRIS: Yeah, literal history.
JANE ❤️: I introduced myself to Ilya at World Juniors in 2008. He was smoking in a no-smoking area.
KYLE: How on-brand
ILYA: Yes, he scolded me for smoking and shook my hand 2x. I could not resist his freckles and autistic rizz
JANE ❤️: You resisted for another year and half, actually.
JANE ❤️: Hey, wait. Does this mean I can’t beat Ilya? We have the same story. 😕
LEAH: Um, Shane. You won the Stanley fucking cup with him but you don’t want to share a nothing burger prize in our group chat? Men are bizarre
HARRIS: Not gonna argue with you about men being weird, but knowing certain things that I know, I think Ilya might have his own spin on the Hollanov meet cute.
ILYA: Thank u, harris. Yes i have things to say 🗣️
JANE ❤️: Of course you do.
MAX: you chose this life, bud
JANE ❤️: I did. And I do, over and over again. Every day. ❤️
MAX: damn, that was romantic as fuck
MAX: leah, quick! say something nice about me. we can’t let these boys beat us at romance 💪
KYLE: You’re a boy too, dumbass
MAX: hey thanks for the gender affirmation and also, fuck you
MAX: babe, talk sweet to me, pretty please?
LEAH: He’s so demanding! But also the cutest. I am forever grateful that we were both chosen to represent Team Canada way back when. (That’s how we met, btw. 🇨🇦🍁)
MAX: yep, my heart skipped a beat when i learned there was a total smokeshow underneath the mask and pads. almost made me wish i played defense
ILYA: Wow, defense. Must be true love
JANE ❤️: My husband does not mean to imply that defensive players aren’t important to a team’s success. Do you, Ilyusha?
ILYA: Of course not, моя любовь
BABY HAAS’S BOY TOY: r there even any d-(wo)men in here to get offended? everyone here is a goalie, a forward, or partnered with a goalie or a forward
JANE ❤️: Actually, Ryan Price played defense before he retired.
BABY HAAS’S BOY TOY: oh. sorry fabian! in my defense, im only a baby, according to ilya
FABIAN: you’re good, eli! i’m never gonna be the one who gets mad about someone forgetting hockey facts, lol. and ryan retired before you were born, so…
FABIAN: speaking of ryan, i first met him when he billeted with my family during our last year of high school. turns out we both wanted to kiss each other back then, but it didn’t happen for another 14 years after he was traded to toronto. we met again when ryan walked into the drug store where i was working the make up counter.
MAX: that is actually the cutest shit i’ve ever heard. y’all are high school sweethearts!
MAX: also gotta say, fabian, your man was a hell of a d-man when they let him. it’s bullshit the league forced him to be a boogieman instead of the player he coulda been
FABIAN: max, i just read what you said to ryan, and he says thank you. he’s also blushing like woah and it is v. cute, so another thank you from me!
FABIAN: (the league traumatized my big teddy bear of a man in more ways than one)
DR. LISA: Fuck the Guardians!
FABIAN: unfortunately, they weren’t the only team to mistreat my guy, but yes, definitely. fuck the guardians!
JANE ❤️: Fuck the Guardians!
ILYA: Yes fuck them with a chainsaw. UNgently
HARRIS: I think the Guardians fucked themselves when they traded Wyatt and Troy to stand by a rapist, but.
HARRIS: Fuck the Guardians! (Some more)
KIP: Is that true, Lisa? Did Wyatt also get traded because of Dallas Kent?
DR. LISA: They didn’t give him an official reason for the trade, but it happened suspiciously soon after he backed up Ryan calling out homophobia in the locker room. I’ve always thought they would have traded Ryan then too, except getting rid of an actual queer person would’ve opened the door for a discrimination lawsuit. But an ally back-up goalie who had always been excluded from their shitty secret group chats? Yeah, no.
ILYA: I thought u are canadian, lisa? “”yeah, no”” is boston thing
DR. LISA: I’m Canadian. “Yeah, no” is also a prairie thing.
KYLE: Ok, I’ve got to ask. Ilya, what is up with all the “”extra”” quotation marks?
ILYA: fun
ILYA: and “”Drama””
KYLE: I respect it
ILYA: Thank you kyle. This is why i have always liked u
ILYA: Now back to my “”Epic Love Story””
ILYA: ANYWAY. Is 2008. I am in north america for the first time. Much pressure to win hockey championship for mother russia because i am captain and only 17. I barely speak english
ILYA: Here comes most beautiful boy i ever see in life. He has freckles like itty bitty stars on his face. He talks to me and shakes my hand (2x). I barely understand him. I do not know what to say so i do not say much. He thinks i am asshole
JANE ❤️: You are an asshole. Except for all the times you’re not. 😘
ILYA: Then! I go back to russia and work very hard learning english so i will know what to say to pretty boy when we are drafted (he WILL be mine)
JANE ❤️: Ilyusha, you did not learn English just to seduce me.
ILYA: Ok, maybe i also wanted to be good at chirping
ILYA: But i wanted to chirp u the most shanya 😘
ILYA: Actually maybe i DID learn english for u bc i learned english for hockey and u and hockey are the same thing for me—the thing i was born to do
JANE ❤️: Oh.
MAX: 😭
HARRIS: 🥹
LEAH: Another set of teenage sweethearts!
LEAH: Okay, Max and I have to dip. We have an appointment with a fertility specialist!
MAX: 👋
FABIAN: i’ve also gotta run. @ me if you need me!
BABY HAAS’S BOY TOY: u all have very tropey love stories. hollanov are ‘enemies to lovers,’ ryan and fabian are ‘second chance at love,’ leah and max (were) ‘lesbian jocks,’ and kip and scott are a coffee shop au
BABY HAAS’S BOY TOY: meanwhile, i met luca on tumblr debating stucky vs. stony as the superior captain america slash ship
ILYA: Say again in english?? 🤔
DR. LISA: I am unashamed to admit that I understood all of that
DR. LISA: Let me guess–you were Team Iron Man and Luca was Team Bucky?
BABY HAAS’S BOY TOY: close. i actually like both ships but it was fun to wind luca up
DR. LISA: Ilya, you are fluent in English and terminally online. I know you have some idea what the kid’s talking about
ILYA: Somewhat, maybe, partially yes
KIP: It was a smoothie place!
DR. LISA: LOL, Kip
BABY HAAS’S BOY TOY: same difference (no offense)
KYLE: Hey Harris, nothing to say about someone actually bringing up fanfiction?
HARRIS: Eh, I don’t care so long as it’s not Hockey RPF. In particular, any and all reviews of Hockey RPF fics about yourself and/or your teammates posted to your public. fucking. accounts.
HARRIS: *cough* Ilya *cough*
ILYA: 😇
HARRIS: Anyways, I met Troy at work. Pretty boring unless you consider that he was a closeted bad boy trying to turn over a new leaf and I supported him through coming out and such. Or the fact that I’m a former child invalid with a hockey fetish and he’s a model gorgeous professional hockey player 🤷
BABY HAAS’S BOY TOY: workplace romance, jock/nerd, redemption arc
DR. LISA: LOL. You are so adorable, Eli. I want to pinch your cheeks and ask you for fanfic recs
KYLE: Well, I met Eric at a bar. 🎶a tale as old as time 🎶
KIP: Yes, a bar that you were tending and he later purchased (with my man). And you pretended you were just facilitating his later-in-life bisexual awakening. No feelings involved here, no ma’am! 🙄
BABY HAAS’S BOY TOY: age gap, friends with benefits 😎
DR. LISA: Never change, Eli ❤️
DR. LISA: OK, I think I’m the last to go? I met Wyatt when he landed in my ER with a broken collarbone back when I was a resident and still treating adult humans. He was VERY high on painkillers and his no-filter babbling was uh, both very flattering and very forward, let’s say. I thought he was cute and funny, but I wasn’t really looking to date anyone, much less a straight, male patient.
DR. LISA: But it seemed like he really needed geeky friends in Toronto and also something to do with himself while he couldn’t play hockey, so I told him about the scifi b-movie nights at my friend’s yarn shop–not expecting that he’d actually show up–but he did! He kept coming week after week and I semi-jokingly said I’d go out with him if he knit me the 4th doctor’s scarf from Doctor Who–if you’re not familiar, it’s REALLY long & stripey. And…he fucking taught himself how to fucking knit and actually made it for me, so I had no choice but to marry him. The end.
DR. LISA: What do you say about that, Eli?
BABY HAAS’S BOY TOY: 🤔
BABY HAAS’S BOY TOY: i mean, doctor/patient is a trope in itself with hints of forbidden romance and hurt/comfort. plus geek4geek. but the real one here is ‘engagement challenge’
BABY HAAS’S BOY TOY: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EngagementChallenge
ILYA: This is extremely cute, lisa!
ILYA: Why has your husband not knit anything yet for me, his captain??
DR. LISA: I dunno. Take that up with him.
JANE ❤️: You already have like 10 scarves, Ilya.
ILYA: None that are handmade with love by nhl’s best goalie!
DR. LISA: Wyatt says, and I quote, “aw shucks” and “what colors does he like?”
ILYA: Red and black, obviously!!
HARRIS: Go Centaurs!
HARRIS: Also, vote for your fave meet cute in the chat:
HARRIS: https://form.typeform.com/to/wcG39MBY
ILYA: 1 vote for me = 1 vote for immigrant rights
JANE ❤️: 🙄
10 YEARS AGO . . .
👩❤️👩 Lesbians Love Cool Wyatt 🥅
WYATT: Hiiiiii. Im in the hospital but don’t worry!!! Im only temporarily broken 👍
KRISTY: Oh my god. What happened??
WYATT: Hit during practice. Wyatt go down! Crunch owwwww
KRISTY: Crunch? What the fuck does “crunch” mean?
WYATT: Broken collarbone. Routine surgeon. Gotta wear sling for some weeks
KRISTY: “Some” weeks. Way to be specific, lil bro.
EVE: Give him a break, babe. He’s obviously high AF rn
WYATT: Yes! Drugs are very god! Also I mighta got distracted when the doctor was talkin. She is very pretty and smart. And pretty
EVE: How do you know she’s smart if you weren’t listening?
WYATT: She’s a doctor. Hello??? Also her eyes. She has smart eyes
EVE: What color are they?
WYATT: Smrt color
EVE: Oh boy 😂
EVE: Hang on, bud. Kristy is on her way to you now
~
KRISTY: Okay, surgery went according to plan. We’re headed home soon. Just got to stop by Wyatt’s place to pick up comic books and clothes and toiletries. And yes, that IS the order in which he listed his “essentials.”
EVE: Cool. I made up the bed in the guest room
KRISTY: And I met Dr. Lisa. She is, in fact, very pretty and very smart. And almost certainly gay, shocking NO ONE.
EVE: LOL, not again. Your brother has the best taste and the worst luck
EVE: Wait a minute. Dr. Lisa? Remember Lisa, my ex? She’s doing her residency at Toronto General. What are the fucking chances?
KRISTY: Short dark hair. Looks kind of like an elf?
EVE: YUP
EVE: Oh, this is hilarious
KRISTY: . . .
KRISTY: Should I be bothered by this?
KRISTY: Nevermind. It’s not like he can date her or anything.
EVE: Actually…
EVE: If it’s the same Lisa, she’s bi
EVE: That’s actually part of why we broke up. I was young and stupid. And jealous
KRISTY: Okay, this is a lot to take in.
KRISTY: Did she cheat on you? If she’s a cheater, she can’t have my one and only baby brother.
EVE: NO. No, she didn’t. It was on me. I’m not proud of it. I didn’t, like, understand bisexuality? And was a paranoid asshole
EVE: She was right to break up with me. But we’re good now
EVE: Had a good talk a couple years ago at someone’s birthday party
KRISTY: Okay
KRISTY: Plus, he literally just met her today. We’ll see if he even remembers this infatuation once the good stuff wears off.
EVE: Yeah
EVE: She’s a geek like him tho…
EVE: Well, not exactly the same. I don’t remember her talking about comics so much. But she was OBSESSED with Dr. Who and Star Trek
WYATT: 😍
KRISTY: Jesus christ, jump scare!
KRISTY: Fully forgot this was the group chat, ha.
KRISTY:: And get off your phone, Wyatt! Or I’ll tattle to Dr. Lisa.
WYATT: Noooooooo