Chapter Text
"Good morning, my gallant gooses!" Caine called out, appearing from thin air on the stage as usual before the humans. "Today, I have some AMAZING news to share! I've been crunching all the numbers, and I think I've cracked the secret to crafting the most-statistically-likable adventure ever created!"
"Does the secret involve actually listening to us?" Zooble asked, rolling their eyes.
"HAHAHA! Don't be silly, that's no way to objectively measure things!" Caine replied, wagging his finger at them before summoning a clipboard and pen. "No, the numbers don't lie, and they say there's a pattern to making you all happy! See, I've been tracking your dopamine and serotonin levels, and found a common pattern! On average, all of you feel better after talking to Pomni!"
The jester in question blinked twice. "Wait, what-?"
"The only exception is Zooble, who hasn't really talked with Pomni." Caine continued, circling something on his board before giving Zooble a blank stare. "Like...what's your problem...? Why don't you ever talk to her...? Did she do something to you?"
"Sounds like someone's scared of clowns!" Bubble popped in to add.
Zooble sputtered, looking over at Pomni who shrugged back. "Uh...I don't really-"
Jax leaned in suddenly with a grin. "Yeah, gosh Zooble, how could you be so mean to little ol' pompom?"
"Oh, shut up Jax."
"Regardless! Based on the always-accurate art of extrapolation, Zooble will cheer up after 'hanging out' with Pomni, which is the goal of today's adventure, 'A shopping date with a jester!', where you'll all pair up with Pomni and explore a huge mall to find all the items on your shopping lists." Caine explained, the title to the adventure appearing behind him in bright colors.
"Oh! Shopping could be fun!" Ragatha exclaimed, clapping her hands.
"...Wait, we're all pairing up with Pomni? Doesn't that just mean we're going as one big group...?" Gangle questioned, looking at the others, mostly Zooble.
Caine floated in the way, blocking her off. "Of course not!" He chided. "I'm smart enough to know that'll just result in you splitting off like normal! So I came up with a clever solution, I'll simply split Pomni into six!"
He snapped his hands and a shadow appeared over Pomni's head. Her eyes widened, and her pinwheel pupils shrunk as she looked at the giant fruit dicer looming over her. "...Wait, no, no no no-!" Pomni shouted, beginning to run, but too late, as it came crashing down, echoed by a mix of screams and cries from the others.
"Oh, god, Pomni!" Ragatha was the first to dash forward, only to freeze in her tracks as Caine pulled up the dicer to reveal...six full Pomnis standing where there'd been one, all of them wobbling with scribbled eyes and each wearing a different outfit. Some they recognized, like a greyscaled Pomni in suspenders from Zooble's bar adventure, others were new to them, like the one in the swimsuit or the glittery one that had a unicorn horn.
Stunned speechless, the group stared for a moment before Jax shook it off first, smiling. "Oh, great, just what this circus needed: more clowns!"
Shooting a glare at him, Ragatha approached the first, normal-looking Pomni, grabbing her by the shoulders. "Pomni!? Is that you? Are you okay!?"
"Mmf-fine..." The jester answered dizzily.
Ragatha hesitated, looking at all the other ones also barely keeping themselves on their feet. "Caine...? Are these all NPC's...? You didn't actually clone Pomni, did you...?"
"Of course not! That would be unethical!" Caine answered cheerfully. "Instead, I've split her mind up based on her six defining personality traits and given each of them a different body!"
"I think that's actually worse." Zooble glared up at Caine. "This might actually be the single worst thing you've ever done."
"Honestly, I didn't even know Pomni had that many personality traits." Jax added helpfully with a wide grin.
"Jax, shut up."
"-Anyway!" Caine interrupted, moving to float over the group of Pomnis, who stared up at him wide-eyed. "Let's introduce our mini-pomnis, since it'll be your choice which one you take with you on your adventure! First off, we have normal Pomni!" He moved over the first, regularly-dressed Pomni. "This one is the part of her that's just a little ball of anxiety! The perfect cross between a wet cat and a jelly bean!"
"Hey, what's that supposed to mean!?" Pomni tried to glare up at him, but it came off as a angry little pout instead. Jax broke out into laughter, holding his stomach and pointing a finger, only to get swatted by Zooble.
"See? Perfect." Caine then moved over to the swimwear-wearing Pomni. "And next, Beach Pomni, containing her joy and fun-loving side!"
"...Cute." Ragatha said blankly, staring, only to blush when all six Pomni's turned to her with wide eyes. "Uh- I mean- the outfit!"
"And next, Noir Pomni!" Caine moved over the greyscaled Pomni in suspenders who looked at the group with a tired expression. "She's the side of Pomni that's 25 years old!"
"That's not even a personality trait..." Gangle mumbled.
Caine ignored her, moving over a Pomni dressed in a schoolgirl sailor uniform. "Anime Pomni! Representing a rich inner world of hobbies and artistic expression that will never ever get explored, wrapped in a blunt and angry shell!"
The school girl stared up at Caine with cold eyes. "Caine, some day I'll get you for this, and you'll never see it coming."
"Woooweee! I bet she said something really insightful and poetic just then, but too bad none of us speak japanese and the subtitles are off." Caine shook his head, disapointed. Gangle moved to protest, but Caine ignored her. "Anyway, next is Evil Pomni! Her darkest and most awful tendencies manifest!" Caine introduced, floating over the yellow-and-red Pomni.
"Wait, is that really part of me? Isn't that just the npc from the softball adventure?" Regular Pomni looked at Caine doubtfully.
"Well f@!k you too! I don't need you!" The evil jester called back, giving her the middle finger, which of course was instantly censored.
"Dibs on that one!" Jax smirked.
"But that's the one I wanted..." Kinger said, sighing sadly, drawing surprised glances.
"And finally, Unicorn Pomni! Representing her kindness and innocence..." Caine said daintily, floating over the last Pomni as a heavenly light shone from above onto her vacant expression, seemingly dazzled by her own horn. "And with that, we have one Pomni for each of you, so take your pick-"
"Uh, wait, Caine?" Kinger spoke up, the other humans turning to him. "Maybe I'm just bad at counting, but aren't there too many Pomnis for us?"
"Oh, Kinger, do you need your eyes checked?" Caine asked, pulling out a magnifying glass to look at the group from a distance. "There's six of you, I would never lose count!"
"Wait, no, Kinger's right," Ragatha called out in realization, looking back and forth. "Without Pomni there's only five of us. Won't there be a Pomni left over?"
Caine blinked, eyes rapidly glancing between the six Pomnis and the five other humans, and quickly counted on his fingers. "...Huh. The numbers did lie." He said, seeming devastated as he stared at his hands.
"Statistics are just another kind of lie!" Bubble chimed in.
"Hold on, we're getting distracted!" Zooble shouted, stomping. "Caine, please tell me you can undo whatever it is you just did to Pomni. Because this..." She gestured to the six jesters. "-has to be a human rights violation. Like, even more than normal."
"There's no rules about splitting someone's psyche, I checked!" Caine defended, crossing his arms. "And of course I can...figure out how to undo this. Later. While you're off shopping." Caine hesitated, which drew a mix of glares from the group. "Uh...enough standing around! You have shopping to do, people!" A portal appeared above them, and gravity reversed, the cast shrieking in various shades of anger as they fell up into it.