Chapter Text
Captain_Red: Recording of the Trial for the Unknown Murderer of the Death of Head Chef Yellow, additional crimes pending. Date is [REDACTED] on the interplanetary calendar, time is 5:28pm standard time. Mira Personnel present are Captain Red, Security Chief Purple, Head Chef Brown, Head Geologist Black, Secondary Geologist Cyan, and Unpaid Intern Green. All personnel are stationed on the starship: The Skeld.
SC_Purple: Is this really necessary?
Captain_Red: It’s standard procedure. Mira code mandates that all trials be recorded with a-
SC_Purple: Yeah, Yeah, I get it. Whatever.
SC_Purple: Besides, we already know who the murderer is.
Captain_Red: Do we now?
SC_Purple: Yes! It's you!
[Multiple voices, seemingly of complaint]
Captain_Red: Alright, Alright! Before we accuse anyone, can we please set up all relevant evidence for the recording? Black, Cyan, where did you find the body and what were you doing?
HG_Black: Well, Cyan had a few questions about the Ore+ but was being a wuss about going alone, so I went with them. We found Yellow’s body in a vent on the way to the cockpit.
Captain_Red: and?
HG_Black: And what? The hallway smelled bad and the vent was covered in that pink stuff. What do you want me to say?!
Captain_Red: [sigh] no need to get aggressive… Cyan, anything of note?
SG_Cyan: The vibes were awful! It's always bad on that side of the ship but today they're just TERRIBLE! I knew something bad would happen, and you said we should start traveling in pairs so I had Black come with me to talk to you and-
HG_Black: Oh my God! For the last time, there are no ‘vibes’! And even if there were, they wouldn’t be worse on one side of the ship compared to the other!-
Captain_Red: Alright! Can we please keep the fighting to a minimum!
HG_Black; [mumbling] Sorry, Captain…
Captain_Red: Excused. Now that we know where the body was. Can everyone say what they were doing at the time?
UI_Green: I was in Reactor, uhm cleaning! Cause it was kinda messy there after, um…
Captain_Red: Yes, we all remember. Can anyone verify Green’s position?
SC_Purple: Yea, I saw them in Reactor before you called the meeting.
Captain_Red: Green, can you confirm that Purple was in security?
UI_Green: uh, Yea! I waved at them before mopping!
Captain_Red: Good. Brown, where were you? You spent the most time with Yellow before they died, how did you get separated?
HC_Brown: I was in the kitchen.
Captain_Red: And?
HC_Brown: Yellow ran off for… some reason. I don’t know. They were gone for a while. I don't know for how long.
Captain_Red: Okay… Can anyone verify that?
[silence]
HG_Black: Sooooo, Brown was alone with Yellow before they died, no one saw Yellow other than Brown before they died, and no one can confirm that Brown wasn’t in the southeast hallway.
HC_Brown: What?? Yellow was my best friend! I would never hurt them!
UP_Green: All of that is true though…
SC_Purple: What?? Are you kidding me?? That was barely reasoning!
Captain_Red: It is some damning evidence.
SC_Purple: Evidence? Look at them! They're heartbroken! Brown would never hurt Yellow. Theres no way it was them. In fact, I know exactly who killed Yellow.
HG_Black: [mummbing] Oh my god…
Captain_Red: Alright, Fine. Why do you think it was me?
SC_Purple: You were also alone when the murder happened, and the cockpit, where you were, is right next to the body! Not to mention you’ve been suspicious this entire trip!
Captain_Red: Okay, how have I been suspicious? I’ve been working my ass off to keep my crew safe!
SC_Purple: And yet five people are dead! And you have no one accounting for you!
Captain_Red: Alright, this has gone on long enough. I don't like to sway the opinions of the people but I'll admit, I don't think the killer is Brown. I think you did it, Purple.
[gasps and mutterings]
SC_Purple: Me? How could I have done it? I was in security and Green saw me!
Captain_Red: Then how do you explain the camera in that hallway? If you were actually watching then you would have seen the murder take place.
SC_Purple: Well… I- Captain_Red: And how do we know the Yellow just died. Why isn’t it possible that Yellow died hours ago?
HC_Brown: They left a while ago, I wasn’t looking at the clock but…
SC_Purple: Wait, hold on-
Captain_Red: And my last piece of evidence. I saw Purple in the area where the body was found, for seemingly no reason, a few hours prior.
HG_Black: Come to think of it, I did see Purple pass through storage a little bit ago…
SC_Purple: Wait, wait, wait. Guys, you can be serious!
Captain_Red: All evidence points to you, Purps.
SC_Purple: Red!
Captain_Red: Purple. Did you kill Yellow?
SC_Purple: No! I was in security the whole time!
HG_Black: We both saw you, Purple. Just admit it.
SC_Purple: No! No, I didn’t do it! Cyan, you know I didn’t do it, you know why I was in oxygen. Tell them!
SG_Cyan: I-I, ummm
SC_Purple: Cyan! [sounds of struggle as Purple is grabbed, presumably to be ejected]
SC_Purple: Wait-! No, no no no no, It's not me! It's not me! Cyan! Cyan, please help me!
UI_Green: C’mon Purple. Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be.
SG_Cyan: [weeping]
SC_Purple: No, no! Let me go! You’re trying to kill me!
HC_Brown: And you killed my friend! I can’t say I’m sorry about this, Purple, but-
Captain_Red: [snickering, rising into laughter]
HG_Black: dude…Purple is literally begging for their life. Why are you laughing.
Captain_Red: [laughter rises in volume, wet noises begin]
HG_Black: oh, what the hell!
HC_Brown: Sweet pepperoni and cheese!
Captain_Red: [loud slashing, sounds of skin bursting] HAHAHAHA, never in my entire life have I worked with a crew so stupid!! IT'S HILARIOUS!
SC_Purple: Oh god… run. RUN!
[sounds of commotion, rapid footsteps, Imposter laughs, more skin tears. Recorder is grabbed]