Chapter Text
Standing in front of the door to the Grant-Nash household, Buck was starting to doubt if he could in fact do this. The day had passed in a slow haze that only seemed to become murkier as noon rapidly approached.
It was already fifteen minutes past twelve and he knew that he should knock on the door, but it was like there was a weight pressing down on him that was refusing to let him move. Maybe he should just hop back in his car and turn around.
Sophie and Mikey had both sent him messages that morning assuring him that he could hide out at the bar if he didn’t want to go. He knew that they meant it and that they wouldn’t bombard him with questions and demand answers if he showed up like in full wet cat mode.
Buck closed his eyes softly and took a deep breath. No. He needed to do this. He needed to face them. He could run if everything quickly went to hell in a hand basket, but he needed to give them a chance. He owed them at least that much.
At the same time, he pulled his eyes open and he forced his arm to rise and knock on the door. For a few seconds there was nothing except the echo of the large wooden door in his ears and then the soft sound of footsteps.
The door swung open to reveal Athena.
“Buck.” She greeted softly. There was a warm light in her eyes as she stepped out of the way to hold the door open for him. “Come on in, we were just about to start eating.”
He nodded in lieu of saying anything and stepped through the doorway. His hands suddenly felt empty as he stuffed them into his jean pockets. Maybe he should have brought something.
Athena shut the door behind him as he took a moment to look around the entryway. The last time he had been there was when he left and decided to file the lawsuit. Oh, how times had changed.
Athena walked up next to where he was standing but Buck barely noticed until she rested her hand softly on his arm.
“Why don’t you head towards the dining room?” She suggested in a soft tone. “Everyone else is already there.”
Buck nodded silently and willed his feet to carry him towards the kitchen. He knew that Athena was walking behind him, but he couldn’t look back. He had to ready himself for whatever was coming next.
No one noticed as Buck appeared in the entryway to the dining room. He took a moment to look at everyone that was there. Bobby was at one head of the table while the other head was left open for Athena. The captain appeared to be engrossed in a conversation with Chim who was sitting next to him. Maddie was in the seat next to him and Hen was next to her. On the other side of the table Karen sat across from her wife, but the seat next to Karen was left empty. It seemed that seat belonged to Buck. The final seat next to Buck was holding Eddie. He briefly wondered where all the kids were and silently hoped they weren’t all hiding in the room next door.
Say whatever you want about the children of the 118, but they loved to eavesdrop and Buck wasn’t sure how this conversation was going to go.
They were all talking to each other with easy smiles and small laughs. Buck smiled softly as he stood there and watched. Such a large part of him wished that he could walk over to his seat and slide into it like nothing ever happened. Like this whole mess was simply a figment of his imagination. But he knew that wasn’t possible. He knew that things had changed and that he needed to figure things out with everyone. He just hoped they were willing to figure things out too.
Buck hesitated slightly before clearing his throat. As predicted, everyone’s eyes shot to him and all conversations stopped. Buck rocked back on his heels slightly and avoided looking at anyone specifically.
“Hey.” He breathed out, unsure if anyone actually heard him.
There was a few seconds where no one responded, and Buck started to worry that he had made the wrong choice in coming here. Maybe he should have gone to Sophie and Mikey.
“Hey Buck, why don’t you come sit down.” It was Bobby who responded to him with his kind voice and a warm look in his eyes. Buck still refused to meet anyone’s eyes as he walked over to his spot in silence.
Eddie was quick to pull out his chair for him and Buck offered him a quiet thanks. The slight scuff of the chair on the wooden floor was the only sound in the otherwise quiet room. It seemed that no one knew where to start.
In the end, it was Athena who spoke up. Buck hadn’t realized that she had sat down in her chair before she started to speak. “Thank you for coming Buck, we really appreciate it.”
Buck could only shrug as everyone else around the table nodded in agreement. “You asked.” He responded like it was the simplest thing. There was another bout of silence around the table and Buck winced slightly. He knew this was going to be awkward, but this was worse than he thought. He decided to spare them slightly.
“I know you all have questions; you can ask them.” He stated to no one in particular.
Maddie jumped on the opportunity to speak. “How long have you been playing the guitar?” Buck looked up from where he had been burning a hole in the table to make eye contact with her. He was surprised at the quiet devastation that was clearly written across her face. A shot of guilt went through his mind as he realized he was probably the one that had put it there.
“I bought a guitar for myself when I was fifteen. Mom and dad refused to get me lessons, so I taught myself how to play it and asked for advice from some of the music teachers.” Buck smiled softly at the reminder of all the hours he spent in his room or a random classroom of the school trying to get the chords right for one of his favorite songs. “I took it with me when I left,” Maddie winced slightly at the reminder of him leaving. “And then continued to play it while I travelled around. It was an easy way to make money when I was strapped for cash.”
“You play really well.” Buck glanced to the left of Maddie where Hen was sitting. The look on her face was completely honest and dare he say slightly proud. Buck ducked his head and tried to stop the warm feeling creeping up his neck and into his heart.
“Thanks Hen.” He muttered out.
“Everything you said before your song, was that all true?” This time it was Chim who spoke up.
Buck opened his mouth to deny it all, but he stopped. What good would that do? They had already heard everything. If he sat here and denied it, no one would believe him. Instead, he looked back at the table in front of him and nodded. “Yeah. It’s all true.”
“I’m sorry that you had to go through all of that.” Buck looked up at his soon to be brother-in-law expecting to see pity maybe some disgust in his eyes. But he didn’t see any of that. Instead, he saw sorrow and regret.
Regret for what exactly Buck wasn’t sure.
“It’s okay.” Buck deflected before he could fully think through his words. “I have a tendency to run people off.” It was an attempt at a joke, but no one seemed to think it was funny. In fact, if the way he saw Eddie move uncomfortably in his seat was any indicator, they thought quite the opposite.
“Sorry.” Buck mumbled with eyes back fixed on the table. It seemed like he would be staring at the table quite a lot before he got through this conversation.
“We’re the ones that should be apologizing Buck, not you.” Buck turned slightly at Eddie’s word. He opened his mouth to tell Eddie that the man didn’t need to apologize but Eddie cut him off. “No Buck. Please just listen.”
When it was clear that Buck wasn’t going to interrupt Eddie took a breath and started to speak. “I’m sorry for how I treated you during and after the lawsuit. I was a shitty friend, and I said some things that I really shouldn’t have. I need you to know that I don’t think any of those things are true. You aren’t exhausting. You don’t talk to much.”
There were small tears forming in Eddie’s eyes and his voice was on the urge of cracking. “I couldn’t think past my own anger towards myself and instead I took it out on you. I don’t deserve you as a friend and I will spend as much time as you want making it up to you because I am not abandoning you, Buck.”
Buck shook his head. He didn’t deserve this apology. “No Eddie that’s not it. I-I was selfish. I should have talked to someone before the lawyer. I should have been there to help Chris. It’s not your fault that my actions impacted you. You had the right to react how you did. There’s no need to apologize”. Buck wasn’t sure if he believed his own words. But this was what he was supposed to do. Brush off everyone else’s apologies and make dozens of his own until everyone understands that he was the one at fault.
“Buck.” Buck wasn’t sure how Eddie managed to fit so much emotion into one syllable but somehow the singular word held to much heartbreak and grief for Buck to look at Eddie any longer. He made the mistake of not looking back at the table and instead made direct eye contact with his sister.
Maddie’s expression was somehow worse than Eddie’s. There was an endless depth of pain in her eyes that Buck hadn’t seen in a long time. She held his gaze firmly and when she spoke her voice came out slightly strained. In the way a voice sounds when you’re desperate to hold back tears.
“Evan, you have to understand that we were wrong to leave you the way we did. I should have tried harder to reach out to you. I should have tried to understand what you were going through. I’m sorry that I didn’t know about our parents kicking you out and I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me. But you can’t think that this is all your fault. You’re the most selfless person I know so don’t you dare sit there and tell me you were being selfish.”
“I didn’t want you to know about mom and dad. They’re your parents too and you deserve to have a relationship with them.” Buck responded, refusing to focus to much on any of her other words.
Maddie looked at him like he had grown two heads. “And you’re my brother. I don’t want to have a relationship with them if they treated you badly Evan. I care about you a hell of a lot more than I care about them.”
“It wasn’t that bad Mads.” Buck held his hands up in a frantic attempt to appease her.
“Did they ever hurt you?” Maddie questioned, her voice fully breaking. The atmosphere in the room froze slightly as they all waited on Buck’s reply.
He didn’t reply. His silence was answer enough but he didn’t want to get into that right now. He couldn’t or he would fully break and this wasn’t supposed to be about that anyways.
He heard both Bobby and Eddie sharply inhale after a second.
Maddie nodded to herself slightly like she had expected that as tears started to roll down her face. “I’m so sorry Evan.” Her voice was basically a whisper. She brought her hands up to her face to either hide or wipe away the tears Buck wasn’t sure. He watched as Chim wrapped an arm around her shoulders. It was him who spoke next.
Buck figured that he was going to get an apology from everyone at this rate. How many of them would they let him refuse?
“I’m sorry that I didn’t realize how much you were going through. I should have been there to help you instead of watching from the sidelines. I could have done more to help you and I didn’t and I’m sorry for that. You’re like a brother to me Buck and I should have done more to show that to you.”
Buck froze. A brother. Buck had never said the word out loud because he didn’t want the man to say otherwise. But it seemed that he didn’t disagree with him.
Chim seemed to read Buck’s mind because a sad smile spread its way across his face. “You’re my brother Buck. Nothing you can do will change that and I’m sorry if I ever made you doubt that.”
Buck was at a loss for words. All he could do was offer a small smile back that he hoped Chim understood. By the way the man’s face softened, he did.
“I’m also sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed someone.” Hen’s voice drew him away from Chimney’s face to hers. “There was so much going on, but that isn’t an excuse for not showing up. You deserved to have someone there for you to walk with you through the fire you had fallen into and that should’ve been us. You’re are family Buck. No matter how terrible we are at showing it sometimes. And family doesn’t get to pick and choose when we’re there for each other. Your ours Buck and we aren’t leaving you behind.”
Buck faltered slightly at her words. Family doesn’t get to pick and choose when we’re there for each other. That hadn’t been true with any group of people Buck had called family before. His parents only showed up when he was hurt. The people at the ranch didn’t want him when they learned of his sinful ways. There was always a reason for people to leave. There wasn’t often one for people to stay in his experience.
His thoughts must have shown on his face because Hen shook her head adamantly. “What would I have to do for you to not call me family anymore?”
“There isn’t anything.” Buck answered without thinking. He sank into his seat slightly as he realized what he had just said.
Hen raised one of her eyebrows. “Then why do you think you’re any different?”
Buck opened his mouth to explain exactly why but Karen cut him off. “Don’t you dare say that it’s because you are different Buck. You deserve the same grace that you offer to others.” Karen leaned forward and placed a comforting hand on Buck’s arm. “Just because others have treated you poorly in the past doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like that for the rest of your life. You deserve to have people in your life who care about you and want what’s best for you.”
Buck could only stare at her. He had managed not to cry yet, but his moisture gathering in his eyes was getting dangerously close to spilling over. After a handful of seconds holding her gaze he nodded slightly. Maybe he was starting to be convinced.
“I think I owe you the biggest apology Buck.” Buck turned away from Karen to look at Bobby. The man looked more nervous than Buck had ever seen him. There was a layer of sadness that was covering his nerves too. Sadness and grief.
“After the embolism I was scared. I held you back from work because I didn’t want to see you hurt.” Bobby hesitated before continuing. “I didn’t want you to come back because I couldn’t see another one of my kids get hurt because of my actions.” Buck inhaled sharply. In the back of his head, he knew that his and Bobby’s relationship was more than simply friendship, but he had refused to think about it too much.
“And in the end I hurt you more. I should have talked to you about my fears, and I should have understood your own and why you decided to sue. I’m sorry for not listening to you. I’m sorry for not talking to you. I’m sorry for it all Buck.”
Buck felt a tear fall onto his hands that was resting on his leg and without looking he could guess there wasn’t a dry eye at the table. “It’s not all your fault Bobby. I should have tried to talk to you and understand why you did it instead of lashing out. You’re not the only one who didn’t use the best communication skills.”
Bobby nodded slightly. “You thought you were losing more people and reacted by taking what you thought was the only option. I should’ve understood that, but now all I can do is try to make up for it and earn your forgiveness.”
Buck shook his head. “You’re already forgiven Bobby. You don’t need to earn anything.”
Bobby tilted his head slightly and looked at Buck like he was a puzzle waiting to be solved. “If you can forgive me, then can you forgive yourself?” Buck froze.
The easy answer was that he still didn’t think he deserved to be forgiven. Not yet. He still had his penance to serve.
“It’s not that easy.” Buck’s words came out as a hoarse whisper. The tears were beginning to clog his throat.
“And why not Buck?” It was Eddie who spoke. “Why can you freely give Bobby forgiveness for reacting out of fear, but you can’t offer the same thing to yourself.”
“It’s different Eddie.” Buck knew he wouldn’t accept his answer, but he knew he would only dig himself into a deeper hole.
“Can you explain to me why it’s different?” When Buck fully looked at Eddie’s face he expected to see confusion or maybe even the left-over shreds of his anger. But instead, all he saw was patient understanding. Something in Buck broke at that. At the fact that the man who had snapped at him so many times in the past couple of months had apologized and was now offering him the patience to work through his jumbled thoughts.
Buck pointed towards Bobby. “Bobby reacted out of fear because he’s actually lost people before. He deserves forgiveness for not wanting more people to die.” And then he pointed towards himself. His breath hitching as more tears rolled down his face. “I reacted out of fear because what? Because a handful of people decided that I wasn’t worth their time anymore? That they didn’t want to talk to me? It’s not the same Eddie. I ran away from everyone in my life just as much as everyone ran away from me. It’s just what happens.”
“You shouldn’t have had to run away Buck. That shouldn’t just be what happens.” Chim interjected before anyone else could respond. “Not from your parents, not from us, not from anyone. You were hurt by people you trusted over and over again and it’s a miracle that you were willing to open yourself up to us. The way you reacted wasn’t stupid. You thought you were losing more people, and you reacted the only way you could. You felt trapped and that no one was offering you a way out, so you found your own way. And yeah,” Chimney breathed out a laugh. “Maybe you made some wrong choices, but you did what you thought you had to so you could keep your family and we couldn’t see that.”
“You deserve to be forgiven.” Maddie cut in before Buck could reply to Chim. “For the way you reacted and for anything that came after it. We all forgive you Evan.” She looked around the room, and everyone nodded in confirmation. More tears spilled down Buck’s face as they did.
Athena, who had been silent through all of this spoke up. “It isn’t your destiny to hurt Evan Buckley. You deserve to love and to be loved. You deserve to feel safe with your family. You deserve a family.”
Buck’s whole face crumpled and he couldn’t stop the sobs coming out of his throat. Everything that he had put off feeling was suddenly coming out at the same time. He didn’t even fully register it as he was pulled out of his chair and wrapped fiercely into a hug until there was a bone crushing grip on his back. He knew it was Eddie’s arms around him.
When was the last time he had been hugged?
Distantly as Buck continued to sob he heard chair after chair being pushed back and more and more hands wrap around him.
It felt like coming home.
*****
Buck wasn’t sure how long they stayed in their hug before they started to peel off. It could have been minutes, or it could have been hours. Time slipped away while Buck was surrounded by people who loved him.
Athena and Bobby went first saying that they would get the food ready. Buck had completely forgotten this was supposed to be a barbeque. He hadn’t been able to eat all morning because of how nauseous his anxiety was making him. Hopefully he would be able to stomach some of Bobby’s cooking.
Hen and Karen were the next to leave the group hug citing that they wanted to check in on their kids who Buck learned May and Harry were watching along with Chris at Eddie’s place.
Next to let go were Maddie and Chim. Maddie with a kiss to his birthmark and a quiet “I love you” and Chim with a reassuring squeeze of Buck’s shoulder and a smile.
Which just left Eddie. Eddie who did not seem like he wanted to let go of Buck anytime soon. Buck was honestly okay with that. It had been so long since he had been hugged and even longer since it had been as long as this.
There was a warmth blooming in his chest that was replacing a chill he hadn’t even realized was there because of how accustomed Buck had become to it.
They simply stood like that for a couple more minutes before Eddie pulled back. Buck tried not to look disappointed at not being hugged anymore, but with the reassuring smile Eddie gave him he wasn’t sure how good he did.
Eddie sat back down in his chair and turned it, so it was fully facing Buck’s. Buck got the message and sat down in his own chair, and it turned it so he was face to face with Eddie.
Eddie clasped his hands together in between his legs and took a breath before looking right into Bucks’ eyes. “I know I said it earlier, but I really am sorry for the things I said. Both in the grocery store and in the locker room. I knew it would hurt you and I said it anyways and I’m really sorry Buck. You didn’t deserve that. You don’t deserve that.” Buck resisted the urge to immediately say he did deserve it or that it was okay. Because it had hurt him. And maybe he didn’t deserve it. Instead, he let Eddie continue.
“I called a therapist this morning.” Bucks’ eyebrows shot up. Whatever he was expecting Eddie to say it wasn’t that. Eddie let out a dry laugh at Buck’s clear surprise.
“I know who would have thought.” He joked before his face turned more somber. “But I’m serious. I’ve spent so long being angry at everything and it’s hurting the people I love. I need to figure out a way to control my anger before I hurt more people.”
“You make it sound like you’re a terrible person Eddie. I’m not going to say what you said didn’t hurt, but you’re not a bad person.” Buck rushed to comfort him.
There was silence while Buck watched Eddie try to figure out what to say next.
“I joined a fighting ring and sent someone to the hospital Buck. I almost killed him.” Buck stared at him in shock and Eddie shrugged. “I want to be a better person Buck. For you, for Chris, for everyone in this house, and for everyone outside of it. And I’m sorry for all the ways I hurt you before I figured that out.”
Buck tried to swallow back his tears. He had already cried enough today.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for Chris. It was never my intention to abandon him after everything that happened with the Tsunami.” That had been the thing bugging Buck the most. What Eddie had said in the grocery store about leaving Chris. He had done exactly what so many people had done to him in his life. Left.
“Oh Buck.” Eddie whispered into the air between them obviously aware of what exactly Buck was referencing. “I never should have said that.”
Buck leaned back into his chair and avoided Eddies’ eyes. “I mean you weren’t wrong to say it I did basically aband-“
“Buck you didn’t abandon anyone.” Eddie cut him off with a stern voice before Buck could continue. “I wasn’t in a good place, and I needed someone to blame for what Chris was going through because I couldn’t admit to myself that I didn’t know how to help him.”
Eddie leaned down so he could catch Bucks’ eyes as he had ducked his head. “It’s not your fault Buck. It never was.”
Buck nodded slightly. Eddie wasn’t sure if Buck believed him, but he would work on it.
“Do you need anything from me right now?” Eddie questioned softly.
Buck hesitated.
“Can I…can I have another hug?” He asked timidly like he was scared that Eddie would say no.
Of course, Eddie did not say no.
“Of course you can.”
And for the second time that day, Eddie gathered Buck in his arms and held him as tight as he could.
*****
Buck had stepped away to splash some water on his face in the bathroom hoping that it would make him look at least ten percent less like the absolute wreck that he felt. He wasn’t sure the last time he had cried this much in one day.
When he walked into the living room area he was met with Hen and Karen curled up together on the couch. Buck wasn’t sure where everyone else had gone but he was happy for a few moments without as many people.
Don’t get him wrong, he was soaking up the time they were spending with him, but there had been a lot of emotions felt, and he needed a little bit of time away from all of it.
“Hey.” Buck greeted them as he sat down on the chair that was next to the couch. “I hope I’m not interrupting.”
He was immediately hit in the face with a throw pillow courtesy of Hen. Karen chuckled softly and Buck sunk into the cushion. Not because he was uncomfortable, but because he felt at ease around them for the first time in a while. He wasn’t scared that anything he said would be the wrong thing.
“Can I ask you a question Buck?” Karen asked after a couple moments of comfortable silence. “You can say no if you don’t want to talk anymore today.” Hen and Karen untangled themselves from each other, so they were both sitting up on the couch.
Buck offered a small smile. He had a hunch about what her question was. “You can ask.”
“Do you have a label you prefer to use? With what you mentioned about your time as a ranch hand I was wondering.” Buck internally winced at the reminder of everything they had learned about him during that speech.
“I’m bi.” Buck shrugged. “I’ve known since high school.”
Karen and Hen both nodded, but neither one of them seemed surprised.
“I’m assuming you both suspected something.” Buck added with an amused smile.
It was Hen’s turn to shrug. “I’ve seen you check out one to many guy’s asses while on calls.” Karen shoved her jokingly, but Buck let out a full real laugh before his face turned more serious.
“It’s not that I didn’t trust any of you or didn’t want you to know, I was just…” He trailed off as his mind drifted off slightly.
“Scared?” Hen finished his thought.
Buck nodded. “Yeah. Scared.” He leaned forward slightly so his head rested on his folded hands. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”
This time it was Karen who launched a throw pillow at his head. “Don’t you dare apologize for not coming out when you weren’t ready. You always deserve to do it on your own terms and when you’re ready. Even if that means that you’re never ready. Okay?”
Again, Buck nodded. “Okay.” He repeated back to her.
There were another couple moments of silence before Hen spoke up tentatively. “The relationship you talked about before singing, was it anything serious?”
“No.” Buck quickly answered shaking his head. “It was just a fling. We just got caught at the wrong time. I thought that they would be supportive, but I guess I was wrong about that.”
Hen nodded in understanding. “I’m sorry you had to go through that Buck.”
Buck shrugged and again looked away from them. “It’s in the past. Nothing we can do about it now.”
“Still. I’m sorry.”
This time Buck didn’t brush her off. “Thank you Hen. I appreciate it.”
“This still doesn’t give you an excuse to be checking out so many people’s asses while on shift.”
This time it was Hen who got hit in the face with a pillow.
*****
Buck was sitting on the backyard patio watching the birds and clouds move past when he heard the door slide open behind him.
“This spot taken?” The voice Buck knew belonged to Chimney spoke as the man walked up next to Buck and gestured to the chair there.
Buck shook his head without looking away from the sky.
For a couple of peaceful moments neither man said anything as they both looked towards the horizon. Buck knew that Chimney would be the first to break the silence. But he found that he wouldn’t mind another conversation. He had missed talking to all of them. He had missed doing nothing with them too.
When Chim eventually broke the silence, he did it in a soft voice that Buck rarely heard him use. “I’m sorry Buck.” Buck finally tore his gaze away from the sky to look at the man next to him, but Chim was still looking away.
When Buck didn’t say anything, Chim continued. “I’m sorry that we couldn’t be the family that you needed when you needed us most. I’m sorry that we weren’t there for you like you had always been for us.”
Buck swallowed before answering. “It wasn’t your fault.” Buck repeated the same thing he had said to so many people.
Chim finally looked away and turned in his chair, so he was fully facing Buck. “And it wasn’t yours either.”
“So everyone’s to blame?” Buck scoffed
Chim raised his eyebrows slightly. “We could go around playing the blame game forever Buck. What matters now is that we’re here for each other. And that you know we’re here for you.”
Buck knew he was right. If they wanted to move on they needed to stop fighting over who did what and what the consequences were. They needed to move forward together and leave the past in the past.
“It’s like Hen said, “family doesn’t get to pick and choose when we’re there for each other.” We’re all in this together Buck. We just need to get you to understand that.”
Buck winced slightly and looked away. He knew he was being difficult. It was just hard.
“Hey,” Chim cut in before Buck could spiral further. “No one’s mad that you need some time to adjust. We’re just asking that you don’t lock us out while we help you realize we aren’t leaving you again.” Chim ducked to the side to meet Buck’s eyes. “We made mistakes, you made mistakes, everyone made mistakes and now we try our best to heal and move on. Together as a family. Okay?”
Buck nodded a bit shakily. “Okay.”
*****
“The bartender and the manager, they taking care of you?” Buck wasn’t surprised that Athena knew who Sophie and Mikey were. Even less so that she had figured out their occupations at the bar.
Buck still hadn’t moved from his spot on the patio, but Chim had gotten up about ten minutes before Athena appeared to check on Maddie. Buck was a bit nervous about the conversation he knew was coming with his sister. But he couldn’t think about that now.
“Yeah.” A real smile adorned Buck’s face as he spoke. “They’re good people.”
Athena nodded like she had expected that answer. “I’m assuming they’re the ones who let you preform there?” She questioned more than asked.
“I was there one night, and their act had bailed on them.” Buck shrugged. “They asked and I didn’t see a reason to turn them down.”
Athena nodded again but this time it seemed more controlled. “Were you going to a lot of bars before that?” Buck could clearly hear the worry in her voice.
Bobby had probably filled her in a long time ago on Buck’s less that healthy coping mechanisms of avoidance and sex.
Buck shook his head quickly. “No, no.” He hesitated before adding on the next part. “I think I would have if I hadn’t been given the chance to play though.” It was something that he had barely admitted to himself, but if Mikey and Sophie hadn’t given him the opportunity he most likely would have continued to spiral a lot more.
Some of the tension leaked from the cop’s shoulders at Buck’s admittance. “I’m glad that you people there for you Buckaroo. At least until we all got our head’s out of our asses.”
Buck chuckled slightly but didn’t say anything else.
“Your song really was beautiful Buck. I hate that you ever experienced those things, but you truly made something amazing out of all of it.”
“Thank you.” Buck basically whispered as his throat began to clog with whatever unshed tears were left in his body. He was going to need to drink a Gatorade or two with how much salt he was losing. Maybe he would just eat some pure salt.
He knew that his song was depressing, but he had hoped people would be able to see past the tears and heartbreak to how beautiful the song truly was. He was quite proud of what he had created.
“Do you think that you’ll write anymore songs?” There was only curiosity in her voice.
Buck took a second to think the question through. “Maybe. It took me years to figure out this song and only because bad things kept happening. I would rather live a simple and boring life that have to go through everything I did to make another song.”
“You do know you can write songs about things that aren’t sad?” Athena pointed out with her eyebrows raised in the way that made criminals shake.
Buck laughed. “Where’s the fun in that ‘Thena?” Although he teased, he knew she was right. There had to be more to his life than people abandoning him. There had to be some hippieness he could write about if he wanted to.
“Maybe one day.” He finally said with a slow nod.
Athena smiled softly at him. “I can’t wait.”
*****
Buck found himself walking into the living room when he saw Maddie sitting on the couch with her head in her hands. She was obviously crying.
He rushed over to sit next to her and rub his hand on her back. “Hey hey what’s wrong Mads?”
She looked up quickly. Her eyes were red from crying and attempting to rub all the tears away.
“Oh Evan.” It was the only thing she said, and it was the most sorrow he had ever heard in his older sister’s voice. Buck realized he wasn’t completely sure what his sister needed.
“I can go grab Chimney for you?” He offered but it only served to make her sob harder. “Or not, I can just stay here with you.” He backtracked quickly.
Maddie shook her head. “I’m so sorry I never realized.”
“I know you were dealing with a lot these past couple months Maddie, but I still could’ve reached out. It’s neither of our faults fully.”
Maddie only shook her head harder. “About mom and dad.” She clarified and Buck felt himself freeze.
“Oh.” It was the only thing he could think to say because he sure as hell couldn’t deny it now that he had told everyone.
“I hate myself for not knowing what you were going through.” Maddie spoke through another sob.
“You weren’t there Maddie there’s nothing you could have done to stop them. It’s not your fault they were bad people.”
Maddie didn’t seem to believe him. Must run in the family. ”I could have come home more or checked in with you more often.”
“Maddie you had Doug to worry about. And still,” Buck softened his voice as he prepared to admit something he knew Maddie didn’t know he knew. “The only thing that would have made them not hate me was if Daniel had lived.”
Maddie’s head snapped up as she stared at him in shock. Her surprised seemed to temporarily slow her sobs. “You- You knew?”
Buck grimaced slightly. “They mentioned it once or twice.” He didn’t need to tell her under what circumstances they would have spoken—or screamed—at him about their brother.
Maddie seemed to understand as the look in her eyes somehow became more heartbreaking. “I’m sorry I never told you.”
Buck shrugged. “Yeah maybe, but I understand why you didn’t. We both had our own shit to work through, and I don’t blame you for not telling me and not knowing about what was going on between me and them.”
“I hope you know I’m never talking to them again.” Her voice took on a cool edge.
“Madd-“ He went to argue that they were her parents and she couldn’t just cut them off, but she stopped him.
“No Evan. Never again.” Buck sighed as he knew he was not winning this argument, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to. It wasn’t like he had any desire to see them again.
Without warning Maddie launched herself at him so that she was giving him a bear hug. “If you’re willing, I want to talk about this more, but not today. Today is about rebuilding our family and I don’t want to ruin that for you.”
Buck’s heart stuttered over our family. But that was what had happened. A brother and sister had escaped against all odds and had found their own version of family in others no matter what their actual heritage was.
“Yeah, we can do this later.” Buck nodded into her shoulder and reached his arms around her back to hug her back tighter.”
It was good to have his sister back.
*****
Buck knew the last conversation would be the hardest, but he also knew he had to have the conversation. He made his way to the large kitchen area to find the room empty except for the man he was looking for. He wondered what everyone else was doing while he had all of these conversations.
Bobby was standing over a cutting board cutting up a watermelon with his back to Buck. He didn’t seem to hear him walk in.
“You need any help?” Buck asked while moving to lean against the countertop next to his captain.
The man flinched slightly in surprise before turning to look at Buck. Bobby stared at him without saying anything for a second before clearing his throat and looking back towards his watermelon.
“Why don’t you grab me one of the big metal bowls.” His tone was light like he was worried that Buck would flee.
Buck nodded and reached towards the cabinet where he knew where the bowls were. He selected one that seemed large enough to hold the whole watermelon and set it on the counter next to the cutting board before resuming his position leaning against the marble.
The two of them existed in a peaceful quiet. This time, Buck was the one to break it. “I’m sorry I didn’t try to talk to you more and understand what was going on. I was just so lost and confused and didn’t know what to do.”
Bobby set the knife down and turned towards Buck.
“I know you’re going to say you should’ve talked to me too and no one’s fully to blame and everything else, but I’m still sorry. I should have trusted you more and I should have known there was a reason you did what you did.” Buck finished with a shrug.
Bobby didn’t so much as blink as he continued to stare at Buck. “Do you want to know what I see when I look at you?” He asked softly.
Buck shrugged.
“I see someone who was forced to grow up too fast. I see someone who was never allowed to stay in one place or with the same group of people for a long period of time. I see someone who loves so freely no matter how much it might hurt him in the end. I see someone who never stopped running from others, from himself, from the world and didn’t know what to do when he couldn’t run anymore.”
Buck had never heard himself described by another person so well.
“I see someone who was hurt over and over again and kept getting up.” Bobby took a step forward. “I know you’re sorry Buck. I know you never wanted to hurt anyone. And even if you understand why I did what I did, it doesn’t mean that you can’t be upset about it. We all should’ve talked more, but we’re talking now. And that’s what matters.”
For once Buck wasn’t crying. Bobby’s words seemed to settle into a place in his soul along with everyone else’s’.
Instead of responding to anything the man had just said, Buck asked the question that was burning in his mind. “Did you mean it?”
Bobby looked confused so Buck clarified. “When you said you saw me as your kid. Did you mean it.”
A variety of emotions crossed Bobby’s face before it settled into a look of love.
“Of course I did Buck. I know you’ve had a lot of people hurt you and I know I’m no where near perfect and I don’t expect anything from you, but I love you like one of my own and everyone knows it.”
Buck launched himself at the man into a tight hug.
“Thank you.” He whispered out after a second.
Bobby only hugged him back. “Everything is going to be okay Buck; I’ll make sure of it.”
*****
After his conversation in the kitchen, Buck moved back to the living room where it seemed everyone else had congregated. If he looked close enough he would see the dried tear marks on almost everyone’s faces.
No one stopped talking as he made his way to the couch, but he could feel everyone’s eyes on him as he sat down in between Eddie and Maddie.
Eddie nudged him slightly with his elbow. “Everything okay?” Buck knew the man couldn’t help the concern in his voice and offered him a smile and a nod.
It was then that Bobby announced their slightly late lunch was ready and they all moved to sit back down at the dining room table.
There were still things they needed go work out. And there were still many conversations that needed to be had. But for right then, Buck felt happy for the first time in a long while.
He wasn’t magically fixed. No one was. He knew that Eddie wouldn’t be the only one starting therapy, but that was something to deal with tomorrow.
For tonight, he would sit at a table with his family and share a meal. He would exist with them in the way he had longed to for so long.
Tomorrow plans would be made.
The day after that Buck would start back at work this time with a true fresh start.
And then maybe some day in the future, the floor would no longer feel like it was moments away from giving out and him falling into oblivion.
The weight would be gone