Chapter Text
"Shauna, look im sorry" she pauses for a bit to catch her breathe "I know I got you into this mess, but…but…" it feels like it takes forever for both of them "i'll bring you back" she kneels down to the body further, "I fucking promise Shipman i will".
"stop calling me that, I fucking hate it" which was definitely a lie, she just didn't like how it made her feel even if she wasn't 100% alive or real now. "since when?" Jackie asks clearly not believing that she doesn't like it deep down, "since always" she stares at the body for a second it's not really glowing anymore she notices "why didn't you say something" it feels like a staring contest even though it's just Jackie staring at the corpse of her dead friend with sadness in her eyes.
"Is this really what i'm going to do until rescue" Jackie finally says with a sad strained voice, "just fucking sit here looking for ways to bring you back, sit here talking to a ghost." she stares until Shauna responds "how am i supposed to know im dead, you killed me" again she stares and places her hand on her hand "im sorry, i didn't…."
'EAT EAT EAT'
A voice commands nothing like Shauna's voice, she loves Shauna's voice this one is slightly distressing but she obeys, and bites her finger and eats it. "What the fuck Jackie." she hears her voice say, "what was that for." she doesn't answer, she cant explain and she wont not only because she doesn't know how but also because she doesn't want Shauna to think she is too far gone.
The irony of her not wanting Shauna to think she is too far gone doesn't set on her even though she is talking to her corpse and eating her flesh, of course she is too far gone, but aren't we all. "Im sorry I mean I uh im sorry Shauna" she stares and the part she bit it was cold and tender and bony and now Shauna's finger bone is exposed not much blood though; it all froze.
Again and again, over and over she stares longer and longer at the frozen corpse that's now missing an ear and now part of a finger, she did that she did all of this. Why? well she didn't mean it, she didn't want it either, she misses Shauna, Shauna alive not just some voice of a person she's talking to.
She hears a finger snap though nobody is behind her, "Jackie, Jackie!" its Shauna's voice again, "Uh sorry I was just thinking Shipman", she looks at the corpses face, frozen really frozen really dead. This is real, it really happened wow. "I said don't call me that, I don't fucking like it at all" again the ghost of Shauna tells that lie again, maybe now that there's no social consequences she is finally telling the truth.
"Ok, ok jesus Shauna i'll stop it now." she probably won't honestly, it's just a lie she tells herself and whatever is left of Shauna, she can't really tell honestly it could be just her body but something tells her that the ghost is real, Shauna is still partially alive like a zombie. Shauna has to be there right, she isn't just talking to her corpse; she's talking to her right?
"Shauna, I, I just don't know what to do right now, I don't know how to get you back" she silently sobs out "Shauna, Shauna, forgive me please." again another tear one after another, "Jackie stop crying, I don't fucking know what to do either, im dead," she hears Shauna speak again finally after a bit "i'm D E A D," she spells it out real slow like she is stupid "and it's your fault Jax" was it really? She looks up to sky like she's up there, but she's not, she might be here or she might be hallucinating.
"It's not my fault is it?" a single tear falls onto Shauna's corpse pathetically. "I, I, I'll kill myself and reunite with you if that's what you want Shauna." she hears a laugh "What the fuck, why would you" she pauses to laugh more proving its still the real Shauna she thinks "no, wait don't do that though that's so stupid Jackie, I never asked you to do that"
"Jackie you're so fucking pathetic it's embarrassing." again she knows she is deeply insecure, Jackie knows it so fucking much she is pathetic she is stupid; all the things Shauna says to her dead or alive are like holy words from a god or a king on a chariot. But also Shauna despite being dead and basically just fragments of herself now knows her words are really just a representation about how she feels inside not just about this but everything.
They are both two idiots, two insecure people pretending they aren't, pretending they aren't affected by this even if Shauna is dead that doesn't mean it doesn't affect her even just a little bit, well it affects her more then a little bit by the way she is acting right now and since this has happened.
"Maybe i am pathetic, but what are you then" she retorts back at Shauna leaving her unsure how to respond to the sentence, leaving a large silence of unspoken thoughts and emotions. "Someone you only pretended to know and understand." the words hit really deep this time, she wasn't pretending she thought, she thought she knew and understood Shauna deeply before, it was just never said out loud she guesses and that's why Shauna feels this way. "That's not true." she takes a deep breath in and out
"I understand you, I want you back and I cherish you so much, I try so hard, I, I love you Shauna" she says the last words before even realizing that she just professed her deepest feelings she has been feeling for years out loud, but what does it matter out here and she's dead so why not, she's dead for now at least.
Shauna is literally shocked, and Jackie is exasperated because she realizes she can't undo what she said, Shauna loves her back she does, she would never admit it but maybe she could now. "W..What???" Shauna laughs to avoid the vulnerability and openness of where this is headed, "Fuck you Jackie" her heart sinks to the floor as a wave of sadness and rejection washes over her.
"I knew you would say that Shipman" she stays in her feelings for a little bit before thinking of her next course of action until Shauna speaks, "Fine i guess you can call me that since you won't fucking stop doing it anyways" she scoffs "I guess i lied i do enjoy being called Shipman..just, just don't say you love me again… it's weird and it feels like it's only because i'm dead now" she states clearly, she is definitely done with this conversation.
"I hate you sometimes, you know that Jackie I especially hate the way you make me feel." she knows Shauna hates that but she wishes she would just be honest with her feelings like she kind of is, Shauna is dead she has nothing to lose but more small edible chunks of her body and maybe her dignity.
With feelings of sadness and disappointment Jackie decides to walk back to the cabin and sleep, pretend nothing happened, pretend the random periods of time she has gone missing were just scouting or something. still on the walk to the cabin the cold suddenly feels more real than ever unlike everything that has happened for however long they've been out here.
Nobody questions her, maybe she just needed some time to think or cry, being out here with no chance of rescue, no hope of rescue gets to you, so it's better to not ask.
it's better to just keep your thoughts inside Jackie thinks especially after the way Shauna acted after being told she was loved, and maybe it's better to not love someone and to not care it might keep you happier and stronger out here; but that doesn't change the fact that she loves Shauna deeply and cares for her a lot.
And when she goes to bed tonight she whispers into her pillow hoping Shauna will hear final "I love you" and "i'm sorry" for the day